Quality of Being
By Alex Blodgett






As I look upon my name. Transcribe in bold lettering along the small
standard screen of a cheap net book.I realized that the name “Alex” is
something I am not living up too. In ways of the definition. Also, in
the eyes of societies standards. The label that I carry around. Was
given to me by an emotional distressed mother, who tried to raise a wed
lock bastard of a son. Making me feel that I am at this state of being.

Protector, Defender. One who defends, who supports, who protects and
vindicates. A champion, an advocate, a vindicator. ( Websters
Dictionary, 1943) Mankind, all of the living human inhabitants of the
earth. ( Word Net, Late 2000 ) Humanity, the state of being humane. (
Merriam - Webster Dictionary, 2010 ) All these words describe the name,
“Alex”. Which was coined by the Greeks as Protector of Man / Mankind.
Or Defender of Humanity. ( Name Lab, 2010) With all that being said, I
have to ask myself. “What the hell was this hysterical bitch thinking?”

Besides naming me after a great grandfather that I had no relationship
with. I see no reason why this stamp was placed upon me. This vile
cycle that I put my sanity threw leaves a preponderance. Which I
believe does not describe me. Yet, I can not get rid or change this
name because of my own naive faults and actions. The benefit factor of
this issue is. I have embrace the power that came with it and use it
for my own. In this quality of being humane. I feel that I have been
threw enough in this era to make me want to stop being one who
maintains and supports. One who protects for other living human
inhabitants that will never be advocates themselves.

Generally, speaking this comes from my perspective of how I see the
circle of the human condition. Knowing that we are all lower primates
with just a bit more intelligence. With moral corrupt standards. Social
and cultural view points from the old and the new generations. I yield
and wonder if anyone feels the same way. Knowing that this is true but
it’s a rarity to see anyone step forward without having some
intentional motive. Which comes back to the circle of the human
condition.

I being a gay man of over twenty-eight years. Am amazed that I even
have a concept of this. I wish I did not suffer from guilt. Able to use
my vices and indulge. To be like most of the human race. Using self
sabotaging situation as a crutch or an excuse. Being blissfully
ignorant. Like majority of the human race. My wannabe freshman writing
skills, my barely pasted high school education, and 10 years of the
working class environment. Not to mention the flamboyant gay culture of
the late 90's and early 2000's.

I find this stamp, this label, this name. Not to be fitting, not
suiting. Knowing that I have many more years to go. Decades. Knowing
what my future will look like. Do these sound like the words of a
vindicator. Or someone who protects. This small display of what’s on my
platter of humanness. Yet, as I know that the, “ Who am I? ” years are
coming to an end.

The benefits of being this self absorbed. Is how much I know myself.
Having that insight on others too. Being able to rip out all the
factors about myself. Putting out there for all to see and not being
scared of it. Unlike most men and women, who hide under false
pretenses. My perspective has grown as much as my strength and
character. Some people see this as pride. On the contrary, it is not.
As depressing as all this sounds. The trick is to see how people are
victims of there own lies and need someone to depend on or to give them
a will to live. Instead of being dependant for themselves. Guess that
is being realistic. Or on the other hand, as others have told me crazy.
Of course, as the old saying goes. “Crazy people don’t know that they
are crazy!” Go figure. I know I am after going threw all this.

But alas, I think I bitch and complained enough or spoke quite clearly
about this case. Why this name does not fit. Why it does not describe
me. At least not yet. The only thing I can do is take the meaning out
of context. Using only the noun, humanity and it’s definition. In the
quality of being. Humane.