"CATCH 22 SITUATION"

Not to sound elementary or intended be enlighten, Albert Einstein once said. The defintion of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. In my given, "Catch 22 Situation". I found myself full of complex thoughts and mixed emotions. Knowing why so many people get lost in the system and become second offenders. A subject, or cycle that's citizens of the states know all to well. Or maybe they don't. Your opinion lies here. In a few words, which will be explained in futher detail later. I seeked out righteousness as I saw fit at that given time and point. Remembering what I said when I was on the stand. "I took justice into my own hands and I was wrong for it!" But sliently thinking to myself, "But, it sure did mother fucking help!" The judges ruling was pretty cut and dry. Since I was denied Pre trial Intervention.

http://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/criminal/crpti.htm

All the evidence was there, for all to see. For whoever was at this closed trial. Not to mention, three different restraining orders. The last restraining order. I had to place back on him for contacting me twice. I never contacted him when I was posted bail from Middlesex County Correctional Facility. Which I only spented thirty eight days behind bars. This matter fell under domestic violence and it was a slam dunk case. Yet, no one sued for restitution and out of my five charges that were pending. I had to plead guilty to only to two. Aggravated Assault # 3 and Criminal Mischieve. What I had to do afterwards was definitely a problem. Not to mention cause for concern.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assault

http://definitions.uslegal.com/c/criminal-mischief/


I would now be a convicted felon for the next ten years. Of course, I would have three years probation. So it would thirteen years before I can even be consider for expungement. I would have to tend an Anger Management course apointed by the State of New Jersey. Which has been already been completed. Numerous drugs screenings, not to mention, I have to maintain a job. Even with a recession going on. Let's just say the odds were againts me. This was a slap on the wrist compared to the five charges that I was facing. Ten to fifthteen years in prison and five years of patrol. All this done with a public defender. Which the only thing I had to do was supply the documents. Anything, I could get my hands on. Which I will be posting soon.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expungement

Now looking back at all of this. Knowing there only five months left in my probationary term. I shake my head and wonder in amazement. Content of what little I had. With what lack of knowledge and those who could help out only so much. What lied a head was this cycle I didn't expect. I had to get a job and maintain it, which finding a job for an Ex Con is not the easiest task. To say the least. Even though, still shaken up by the many issues of my past. That came flooding back like tidal wave. Therapy would be crucial.

I could not collect unemployment for I had to obey to the judges ruling about maintaining a job. The only work I could get were small time alloted projects that lasted a week or two. In a five or six month timed off period. No dental nor medical benefits. The only thing I could receive from the State of New Jersey was Food Stamps. Two hundred dollars a month. I stayed with a openly gay male couple who supplied me with room, in which I would do work around the house in return. Most people would see this as a houseman position.

My sanity was another thing. A total mess or a man on the edge. I will let you decide that. Almost completely broken as Wendy Williams once told me personally. I wonder why this couple would take such pity on me. Even still to this day. I think maybe one half of the couple was on some mission from, "GOD!" The other half wanting to suffer from punishment. I tried therapy where I could get it. Experimentive trials at Mount Sinai for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Fairleigh Dickerson too. For ADD. Which did not past. UCPC of Plainfield. ETC.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADD

You named it, I already have tried. The false diagnosis that other people said I might be. The doctors not taken a chance because I was suffering from one too many traumas. Then being referred to another hospital. Not to mention, no medical coverage because of the catch 22 cycle. It led to a dark dishearting road which many grow into a dispair. At my last interview at Fairleigh Dickerson. I remember that I told one of the doctors, "That sometimes I just feel like just taking a bottle of sleeping pills and going for the big sleep!" Trying to use laughter as a deflection. The bitch said to me, "That's a great idea!" With a sinster smile. Which finally broke me. I came home that day and tried to take my own life with a bottle of sleeping pills.

Nobody was around anymore because this was not the first time I had hit rock bottom. The one who found me, almost half pasted dead on study floor. Who suffered, from his many problems and issues himself. Saved my life. This couple, who bailed me out. I don't know what to say. Even when there are times we fight and bitch and moan at each other. They are the closes thing to family I have. How odd to say. Out of all the people in my life. It was these two trashy men, who pulled me out of this and I thank them and will ever be so loyal. No matter how much of a pain in the ass I am.

I started pulling my weight and then pushing myself to do things with such the time I had on my hands. Going to the library, and reading up on. Adjustment disorders, Identity Crisis, Double Life,Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, A.D.D., Schizophrenia,Bipolar disorder, Manic depressive,Multiple stress syndrome,Mania,Hypervigilance,Paranoid,Anti social...ETC. I think you get the point. All these things I just listed were to discribe me. Or I was called. Yet no one had any proof. Or was an expert.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypervigilance

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mania

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identity_Crisis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post_Traumatic_Stress_Disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADHD_predominantly_inattentive

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adjustment_disorders

Someone once told me that society dictates who you are. Well after almost thirty years of all these mostly false diagnosis. Rumors. Gossip. No wonder why people think I'm so Anti social. Can you blame me?

I almost had to play incognito in a way. To hide this little boy with so many issues. Everything felt like a life or death choice. Even though, I dispise the word surivior. I had that complex up all the time. I stayed out from the club and bar scene. Hardly went out. No parties. The few times that I did. I was more jumpy and scared. Suffering more so from the victim's side of PTSD. Then the peratators. Which made no sense to anybody. Not to mention, I had to deal with Probation and legal fee's almost costing me over two grand. In which, I never had. Ten thousand dollars in student load debt, and my car repo.

The only thing I had when I walked out of my Ex's place. Was my cat, my out of date clothes, and my balls. Which I have to say, are pretty big now that I look back on this. I thank those people for giving me the benefit of a doubt. Giving me a few crumbs to spare. To stabilize. The rest was up to instinct and knowledge. Taking what I could get and what I could use. Not abuse to a point, or over indulge. Leaving the rest behind and take it as a lesson and not as a regret.

I did other things to keep myself busy but only so much. I didn't want it to look that I was trying to hard or that it would be taken as phony. Volunteering once a year, a lot of walking and jogging. Working out at home. Practicing taekwondo at home from what I could remember. Trying to keep active but not going overboard. Slowing down everthing that was around me wether it was by my hand or not.

I went to such groups that help ex cons. Like a place called, "Team 2000". Only to have it being thrown in my face. Chuckled at when I left. Trying another group, which helped ex cons get work which the turn over rate was less then five percent. I was lied to by many people or misguided. The basic run around. I was this running joke which was insufferable. This was the purpose. To kill my pride. Leaving very few options. To conform to religion. Or something much worst. For people to relish on this misery.

To have this subject matter of my life, laughed at many dinner conversations. Whispered into many ears of drunken fools over loud dance music. Pity and protaryed on the streets and at the few jobs I could obtain. I being an agnostic, didn't rely on religion. I find it to be pretentious and bogus. Knowing the little faith that I had was reserved and supplied for myself. Which most of us know the faith is just another form of trust. At least I hope we know.

With some experience under my belt. Also an abundance of knowledge better then most. I see why so many educated and uneducated. Not to mention the emotional and the mentally distressed get lost in this system. Then as a country wonder why we have second and third offenders. I remember back when I was a child. Watching cartoons and one of the charcters saying. "Justice isn't blind. She is crosseyed!" Now thinking about it. I see the truth in it. I have always said this and I wrote in my old blog. " We are all Victims, and we are all Villians!"

Knowing how we all are superifical, materialistic,hypocritical,and pertentious. Thinking about an old movie qoute from, Steel Magnolias. "An ounce of pertention, is worth a pound of manure!" How, "gay" can I get. Anyway, you can see my, "Catch 22". A situation in which a person is frustrated by a paradoxical rule or set of circumstances that preclude any attempt to escape from them. This definition brought to you by The Free Dictionary. By FarLex.