LOW RENT SABBATICAL: SURMISED FORTHCOMINGS

WELCOME TO A LOW INCOME LIFE!

The content in this blog is to show a small life story. On this sabbatical, I had to put down an insane blog, called Directional and Delusion Aspects. To define it, It was suppose to show the directions that were taken and this delusion of a life that I led in small aspects. Which got a contract to be published. Believe it or not! I'm even amazed that I got it. I became over obsessive with it, because I felt at that time. It was the right thing to do for my sanity and my life. Within the last few months , I had to reserch paper work, doucuments, and go threw repressed memories of my past. Go to police stations, hospitals, lawyers, etc. Come to find out that at the end. If I didn't do this perivous blog, or cry baby story. I would have never figured out the real answers that were being kept from me. I'm no angel and nor a martyr, did a lot of things in my life. To say the least, I'm a example, if i can give myself that much credit. I was this naive dequlient, who repressed everything because of manipulating and spiteful people. Also, it was my own fault too. I'm partially to blame for this. I want this to be known, before anyone presecutes and judges. More so, then what they do now. I must say I'm sorry to those this will affect...in the negative way. It was never my intention! My intention was to better myself. I never wanted it become anything more. I didn't want to becomes famous, nor infamous. I just wanted to be heard and to move on. Finally, to let it go. This was for myself and anybody else who wanted to learn from it. To grow and move on but how can you do that. When you don't even know where you are coming from. Or don't even realize it. So maybe this is just being realistic and just coming to terms. I expect no gratitude, no praise, no pity, no sorrow. Cause I have enough. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say...almost three years worth. I think it's time. What I wanted out of my life, was to overcome my suppressors and live a full life with all emotion. Ican finally say. I can do that. NOW!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

SURMISED FORTHCOMINGS

James V. Smith, JR. Author of, "You Can Write A Novel". Implicate in his book, cardinal rule number three. Begin the end in mind. It's gay agknowledging that notion. Since I always did that for some unknown reason. Maybe it was schooling. Anyway, after putting away. Directional and Delusion Aspects. The purpose was to come back to it. Not just to show a difference. Or if there was any, but more so the process of coming to terms. I wanted to ajoin both Directional and Delusion Aspects and Low Rent Sabbatical together. Not saying this was going to happen but it was a general concept. Beginning with the sentence, "Is it worth it?"

There were jokes in my blog. But the nature of it's content was taken very literary . No one knew what to do or think. Not to mention, no knew me for who I was. My personality. Also, I did sound a little. What is the word I am looking for here? Oh yes, INSANE! The comments I got from people were. A complex person. Or very misunderstood. With a childish essence, or outlook. I could blame this on myself. Of course, no one wanted to take the time out to understand. Which is all to common with people. They had there own problems or issues to worry about. To self involved to even bother.

To describe me a bit, if you haven't gotten the jist already! By reading this blog. I use humor to deflect any given tragedy. My sarcastic character can be seen on my wish list provied on this profile. Even though, the low self esteem jokes about myself seem a bit distasteful. It's the only way I knew how to process tragedy. Not to mention, I feel that if I agknowledge it. That no one can use it againt me, because it's already known. I have already beaten them to it.

Examples, I always use to say. "I am half hispanic and half white trash. Destined to be low income for the rest of my life!" Now with all the knowledge that I have. I can't even say that joke anymore. I don't know who my real father is. Not to mention, what his genetics are. Or if there is any living relatives, like a twin brother or half brother. I will chat more about that subject matter later. So, to be honest, maybe it's a good thing. I don't tell that joke.

Another dispicable joke, which a lot of people could not believe that this came out of my mouth. Was the, "All I ever wanted in life" antic. Now, this one always put anyone in awarkward place. But first, lets give credit to where it's due. Remember the movie. Josh Whedons, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." The one with Luke Perry and Kristy Swanson. Remember the scene where she points out what she want's in life. Well, that where I got that joke from. "All I ever wanted in life. Was to write a book, go see Italy, Marry my retired gay porn star boyfriend, Have three houseboi's, two cats, a dog and DIE! Now you might not think that is so great but I think it's perfect. I mean at least the sex would be decent!

The point of that joke was to show how low my expectations were. Not how high, if there were any high expections there. Not to mention. I did have a low rent version of a porn star boyfriend. Also does the web cam model count too? Hell, looking back at my life. I realized that I should have set my goals just a bit higher. I should have went for a Treasure Island Media model instead. Joking here!!! No offence to anyone either in T.I.M. or the company. I mean really it's not like I was setting my sites higher then what they were suppose to be. Like a lawyer or a doctor. Anyway, the point of the joke has made clear.

There are only three true intentions that I really want to come out of all this. Number three, to point out that I'm not trying to milk this cry baby story for money. If any money ever came my way for this idea. I would want it all to go to charity. Any charity, that is at least gay affiliated. Now, there is sub reasoning behind that. Just in case. Since I know how these people really are. If anyone sewed, the money would be already gone. I would rather stay in welfare hell. Then let anyone get it, especially those who contributed to my downfalling. At least with a charity, it will go to someone else who can benefit from it.

Number two, influence. For anyone who wants to listen or learn from it. Or not. The point is that in one way or another, the person who even reads a few sentences. Will be influenced. Wether they choose to believe it or not.

The number one reason and it is a bit selfish. Is for myself. To be able to open a book or open a web site. Look at the dedication page, and be able to read. "This is for myself. For once, you finally did something right! In your whole fucked up life!" This is not my way of turning my shit into gold. It's my way of just turning my shit into bronze.

So I will repeat it one more time, "Is it really worth it?" Well, by the time that I start from the beginning, and go threw some aspects in a way of Chronological order. At least I hope, it will make more sense. To place doubt and to show a pattern that I can only see. Also, anyone who reads this will have the endding already in mind. "WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?"