My apology for the delay. I have been having some difficulties keeping up with this blog. I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed to write this entry. Not to mention the hoilday season is finally here. So, I am finally getting more work. Anyway, Rousseau delivered this qoute. "It is not the criminal things which are hardest to confess, but the ridiculous and shameful!" Now, I did mention I would do this blog in a way of chrological order. Come to think of it, fuck that! I listen too many poeple tell me what I should do. There criticism.
Let alone I did take some of there advice, but not all of it was best for me. I'm going to do this my way, because this is for myself. Not anyone else. Not to mention that it is your choice wether you want to understand this or not. To sympathize from a far. But here is another qoute by Rousseau. Which a have to say, this enlighten man had very great intuitiveness. "We pity in others only those evils which we have ourselves experienced!"
Now, there is a photograph that is down below of this blog, from the book Robert Franks, "The Americans". It was taken in New York City around 1955 to 1956. There was also an exhibit at the The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I just so happen to stumble upon it. I went there by myself for a day trip. Just to get a little culture. The website is down below, if you care to check it out.
http://www.metmuseum.org/special/se_event.asp?OccurrenceId={1FD57D4D-FE17-41FA-9025-E2667E36AD27}
One photo that caught my eye, which is NOT the one below. Was of three gay men walking across the street. They were walking in such a way, that it was inspiring to me. Like models on project runway. Completely adrift and not giving a care of the coruption that surrounded them. These bitches worked it, and were going to be who they were no matter what. It wasn't because they were prostitutes or because they were gay. It was because they were just being them at that given time. With what little they had. These men had to do. What they had to do to surive.
They put up with each others shit, because all they had was an understanding of each other. The scurtiny these bitches had to go threw. Even in that heighten era. I felt drawn to this specific picture and the rest of the photos. That were about them. I sort of looked at them like they were forefathers. It was compelling in someway. I felt I knew what they went threw.
Now here starts the peevish bullshit. After I was leaving, The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I past by a bunch of gay youths. Around in there teens or early twenties. One made that comment, to say the least. He was not to first to say something like that to me. His comment, "It's guys like him that make the gay community look bad!" That came as a shock to me, but I still understood what they were talking about. Also why he felt, he had to say it. It was out of them being naive but also there lack of knowledge.
First of all, it's guys like me that always took those denouncing remarks. Those slings and arrows. If it wasn't for men like those in the photo below and guys such like myself. Gay youths today wouldn't even be able to afford to say those sort of comments out loud. Just to say this , I'm not letting it all go to my head because there are many more such like myself. Who been threw the same and even worst scenarios then me. Even when I was young, I use to scrape the back of my class ring on the lockers at school when coming down the hallway. Just to pre warn anyone I was coming, hence for anyone that hated me.
Not to mention if anyone else was getting picking on. Those bullies would turn there bullshit out on me. I would use my flamboyant ways as a shield. The more they gave dirty looks and called me names. The more I increase the flamer in me. My defence mechanism. Anyway, I knew my problems that I had were bigger then the ones that I faced at school. College acceptance, was the last thing I was thinking of. As the the bitches from Ab Fab would say, Boo hoo squish squish.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism
It's was guys like myself. Also, men like the ones in in that photograph down below that knew what the price was to be this way. To be themselves. To be this outspoken and have that will and think for themselves. No matter what anybody else said or did. It wasn't just about the acceptance. It was the self acceptance. Knowing that anyone elses approval and tolrance was not desired nor fucking required. How to wong foo of me. It might sound wrong, it might sound spiteful. Of course, I can afford to talk that way because I have been threw that run of the mill. Just like anyone who has been threw this kind of treatment.
Why am I stating this, well I'm noticing this alarming trend. With many homosexual people in there twenties or early thirties. The ones say, my parents accepted me. Now, I am only being general. Maybe I'm not seeing threw there eyes. Remembering that everyones case is just a bit different. Hopefully I'm wrong but to define it, acceptance.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance
Acceptance is when a person agrees to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.
The Acceptances
coming to terms with something: the realization of a fact or truth and the process of coming to terms with it
toleration: the toleration of something without protest
social tolerance: willingness to treat somebody as a member of a group or social circle
http://www.bing.com/Dictionary/search?q=define+acceptance&FORM=DTPDIA&qpvt=Acceptance+Definition
Tolerate
3. accept existence of different views: to recognize other people's right to have different beliefs or practices without attempting to suppress them
That is a lot to ask for from any person. The process is slow and the duration of time can be lenghty. I don't think most people understand this. I think people just say this to make themselves feel justitied in polite settings. It's just the right thing to say. But after awhile, we do need to talk about the elephant in the room. With that said, most poeple would just wait off till the problem becomes worst. Or blows up in everyones face. Hence, The Thanksgiving senerio. Mom, I suck dick. Can you please pass the gravy!
It's not the coming out, which is hard enough. But everything else that comes with it. The problems, the situations. Not to mention that stigma which is not just about you or your partner. You have to think of others as well too. Let face it, most people have there own problems, and don't want to be bother with yours. This we all should know, but afarid to amitt. Or not recognize it. Maybe secertly we do. You know what, who gives a flying fuck. When it came to me , my issue was a little more extreme. After awhile, I started to notice that if this is what its all about. Those people who said that they did care but bit there tounge. Then I need to start practicing some self acceptance, but also start being more realistic. Which I find most people are not.
I do not want to be around people who have been tolorating for years. If thats there attitude, then why make it more uncomfortable for them and I. Why even bother? The sad thing here to say , you are going to have to think for yourself sooner or later. To be able to see what right in front of you, besides what lies are all around you. It's like doing the hokie pokie, around people. It's exausting.
I had someone say to me. "Glad to see that you have no hope!" Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe he didn't understand where I was coming from. Or it was little bit of both, who knows. But as I see it. It's not that I have no hope. I'm just being more realistic. Also, a bit more extreme. Perhaps, I'm finally coming to the end of the process of my own acceptance. Here is another qoute, which I heard from a TV show. "No hope, no family, no friends. What do you have left?"
Most people pride themselves, around these three things. Take those away and they fall apart. The real answer, is this. Yourself. Not saying that having these people in your life is such a awful thing. Be grateful for what you have. Just make a mental note. That these people that you pride yourself around with. Are not going to always be there for you. Literary. Some are going to be even resentful and vindictive. You might become so too. Not saying, I'm an enlighten being and it may come across that way. At least though, I can say. I'm pretty content with myself. No matter what lows and highs that I had in my past and what my future may hold. What lessons that are in life. Or as other people may see as regrets or mistakes. I mean, what is the point of living, if not to live.
Now, let me touch on this subject matter. Another person told me that all I do. On this blog is talk about the depressing times. Looking at this, he is right. As people we focus on the vile more then the pleasent. So I will point out the virtuous times that I had. Let me add a tip here though. That most people show there lives as happy extience. If you notice majority show a blissful photos of them skiing or doing family activies. Those fond memories. I did have those too. Not saying I didn't. If you ever seen, Factory Girl. The main lead pointed out the family potrait. Which everyone was happy but yet, what lies were behind that picture. That is the reality and the taboo subject matter we do not talk about.
It almost seems hypocritical. Actually, it is! You see, I can be up beat. During work and with those people that I think are worth my time. Even at times that I am alone. I'm happier by myself. Turning the music up loud, and toning out the issues. Dancing my little ass off. Just letting it go and shake it off for a few hours. That is what makes me ..... Me! That will never change. Unless I feel that it is necessary.
My childhood memories, pictures down below. At stafford apartments, were the very first memories I had. Poping my energetic perky head threw a small window into the kitchen, which had blue shutters. Sort of an irritating to anybody in the room. Watching the Smurfs on ice on the old wooden Quasar TV. Giggling like a small school girl. Having a cat named Moonshine with pierced ears that my mother tested on. Don't ask. Even at times that my adopted father, used to bathed me. Still getting use to the term adoptive father. There was one time that my father turned away to get the towel. He turned back, I endded up pissing onto my own face. Who knew I was into watersports in such an early age.
I rode plastic big wheels around the unit, and screamed out for ice cream when the truck came by in the summer. I had childhood playmates. One was a boy name Joseph, Rest in peace, from what I last heard. Other times, where at my grandmother house. On James street in Sayerville. Dancing, to the hispanic station and techno music on the old stereo. With my aunts and other relatives. Them cheering the name "Ally Ally!". We were a loud rambunctious bunch. Playing the regular kids games, as Hide and go seek. With my cousins. Which they lived a block over on Rose street.
We moved from the apartment, to a house in perth amboy. On the conner of Mary street and Krochmally. Which hello, can you see the gay pun here! There were good times there too. Birthdays celebrated, my aunts babysitting. Other kids on the street, which we play child hood games too. We also moved to Jackson and also Howell too. I was a odd ball, big time into the horror slasher films. Like the movie, Wes Craven A Nightmare on Elm Street, which I loved. Let just say movies had a big influence in my life. Which it does for everyone.
During my school years, I was very active. Doing such things as chours, band, yearbook, newspaper, track, taekwondo, going to the library.Being apart of such clubs, as Human rights committee and gay striaght allience. doing the fashion show, and coming with the idea for it. I had many good times. A lot of laughes. Smiles. Light hearted jokes with good people. I went school dances, I volunteered for two summer at the Menlo Park Vets home. The special needs unit. I hung at the mall, and shopped. I worked at such stores as Bang Bang when it was popular. Even Mc Donalds and Burger King.
Even supermarkets. Such as Path mark and Doyles Thirftway. I went to theme parks such as Great Adventure and rode rides , chilled with friends at the park. I was even on the prom court, for my senior year. It may have been a pity thing since everyone knew my parents had left me. I was happy for at least small duration and I will never forget that. I graduated, with out any of my relatives being there. Only just a few friends. It was the most liberating experience, because I did not think I was going to make it.
There were times I went to NYC with friends. Also, going to the beach, such as Avon by the Sea and dancing and doing cart wheels in the sand. I danced at gay clubs, and did the sence for a bit. Being airheaded and naive. Trying to be myself. Or who I was to become. I did not care about what the cost was, or what a delinquent I might have been to people. I was me and I was happy at that time. Not really seeing the reality for what it was.
I explored my sexuality doing things that would be shameful to other people and there social circles. I did drugs too. I was the stereo type. I willing to accept what was coming. With what lack of knowledge I really knew. With that said, I had to own up to those things, and knew there was consequence. I don't use that as a vice or excuse. I was dumb and naive, but what was everyone elses excuse. I mean, that is what your twenties are all about, right? Testing the waters and experimenting.
I want thank those people that were in my life, even the ones that were deceitful. I'm not happy with it but I'm content, because if I never went threw these splendid and damaging problems. These life issues. I would have never become the person I am today and I will never want to change that. So thanks to everyone, for making me who I am. It took some time but at least I'm happier to see the truth for what it is. Have this gift of knowledge about myself and human behavior. Not to mention this life, and what futrue there may be. I feel like I have been born, once again.
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