Lies and Bullshit Theories

I can not say this is the higher road and majority of people may debate about this topic. Of course, I can say. I exhausted all other options without conforming. This book / blog has been in the works for years. At least the idea. Others would have given up by now. Seeing it as a lost cause. I felt that I had to do this. To get some closure and be able to finally put this behind me. I know for a fact though, I will never get over this fully. There was just no other way to go about it. I'm not sharpest tool in the shed but I'm pretty damn useful. A quote from my old blog.



There were times that I was paranoid, and maybe I'm still to this day. We can even say it was, Hypervigilance. Your call, I don't really give a shit. How many can say though. That paranoia / hypervigilancy was what saved them. I choose truth, instead of that Delusional lie of a life that I led before. Not into Kurt Cobain, but he said something that I think most people can relate to. Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you. Hopefully, you see what I mean.



This battle that I have been striving with. Has been a second rude awaking for all. Who would have thought that it would have gone this far. I am responsible for a lot of issues. What I can not comprehend. Is why nobody else couldn't do it either. To suck up there pride for just a bit. Anybody could have prevented this. Friends, family, etc. Instead they didn't want to get involved because there own problems. I understand that. So a note to those people. Please understand why I am doing this. This was plan. To discover the truth. Should have applied, "Murphys Law" though. The intent almost backfired on me too. ALMOST... being the key term here. I didn't apply all my emotions to it.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law



The design for this book or blog was memoir, not autobiography. As for the scheme that I constructed. I was trying to get confessions from the three people I knew who were screwing me over. I had agenda. Most people would say that was the dumbest thing I could have done, but who was going to believe me. No one. I looked like the boy who cried wolf. Cut everyone off and let the snakes fall out. Is something that I thought of alot. Ever since Countryside Place. A low income apartment complex in Howell, NJ. I became almost anti social at times with anyone that was close to me. With very good reason though. Throwing myself into work and school.



I just knew that these few people. These inablers were hiding something. They would never amitt to there own faults. I knew this. I had to develop the tendencies of a Sociopath. But why not, I learned it from them. Why not flip the script. They didn't want see the bigger picture. That they were wrong too. They had to learn some how.



http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html




Here is something that I went by, If you suffer your people to be ill educated and there manners corrupted from infancy. Then punish them for there crimes that they were first education was exposed to them. Then what of it, if you make theives and then dispose of them! No offence to Drew barrymore, but I took this out of context and made it work for me. My own trashy philosphy. Not a thief here, but a troubled youth turned into a troublesome man. So as you can see. People made the troubled youth. Then what of it, when people know how the troubled youth will turn out.



It may not make any sense but let me prepose why I thought there were issues here. What made me change my mind about these people. The first thing was my credit report. After sometime, living in Parlin, apart of Sayerville, NJ. Where most of my mother's family resided. Friends were urged me to forgive and forget. I noticed something very starnge. I only lived in NJ, but the address for my parents in PA was on the report. I asked the representative at Experian. Why would this would happen?


Two ways she told me. One , you lived there. Two, someone else used your Social Security number. Well we can honestly say, that number one was not the case. I flagged that bitch so fast. Then made nice, with my parents. They were the only ones who could explain it. Forgiveness could have happen but that was not my true intention. I mean, remember I didn't even know I was adopted at the time. Didn't find out till August 2010. Don't believe me, the Credit report is down below. Also isn't an criminal offence? Sorry, bit of air head here.



An addition to what I am stating. My sister had my home number, and I got a call from her. When answered I the phone. No one replied. It sounded like shuffling and I could here my mother talking. With my father or now we know him as adopted father. I listened, to there conversation. "Well if that fucking faggot thinks he's going to get one over on me he has another thing coming!" Nice huh! Well you could see why I stopped talking to them afterwards. So any theroies on me being jealous of my sister are crap.



Let's jump to another time. Where the letter below will help us. In this letter. She states that I abandon her. That they did not abandon me. I received this reply when I was in jail. This is where I have a problem. If I left them, why was I at the hospital. Centra State, to be exact. Maybe she meant, I left them mentally. Being sarcastic here. The paperwork states it, parents were called. Odd though, they never showed up.



You might ask, why did I have the break down. This will be mention in another blog. Having to do with hospital records. Right now, I can point out the trigger. Besides, having so much stress. Dealing with lifes many issues. Working two jobs and about to go into my senior year of high school. My sister and I had a little disagreement. Her friend was standing on the side lines of this great dabate. We had are squables before, but have to hand it to her. She won this disagreement. By saying this. "This is the reason why were are leaving you here!" You see my parents were in the process of moving again. Didn't know they made a group decision about leaving me in Howell though.



The great thirteen minute phone call. Was one of the hardest situation I ever had to go threw. Almost as hard as my two breakdowns. Also, it pushed me even more so. To do what I had to do. Long story short, I sent her a letter after I got out of jail. An eight page letter which had my cell number. She called. Pulliung over, I had bad gut feeling. So I held back. I was willing to hear her out. She rambled about there is no book on parenting, which my feeling were. Well there is fucking common sense. Then she lead to change the subject. Something about a child hood friend, Joseph. Being killed in a motorcycle accident. This is where I stopped her.


"Mother, what the fuck does this have to do with us!" I had to put my foot down. Stating that I wanted to see her face to face. Public place and we have dish it out there. I didn't care how cold hearted it sounded, or how crazy I was. She tells me the truth. To my face. No more hiding behind other people. What did I get? "Well.. you need to give me your respect!" Can you see why I was so unwilling. "Listen I'm giving you one more chance, the truth. Meet me face to face." She said no. The last words that came out of my mouth were. Well you know what, have a nice LIFE! I hung up the phone, and changed the number. Never heard from any relative again.



Can you understand where I was coming from. Does anyone see the one too many consequences here. If you don't well let me divulge this info, then you can tell me what you think. Anyone can place comments. When it came to Cliff, his bullshit was something I just dismissed. I didn't want to see it for what it was. The Roxy incident was one of them. Remembering Cliff's lines that he used, the bartender did it, or I was drinking to much. Was just ridiclous. Number one don't drink that much. Number two, mother was right about this. Never put your drink down and take your eyes off it. I always did that. As feble minded as that sounds. Anyway I will write more about the Roxy story later. The point. That he did it. Which ruined whatever you want to call this LTR but more so that he betrayed me. The most atrocious part is that I didn't blame him fully. I blamed myself for letting my guard down and for trusting him.


I'm not going to go into any of my cars being sabotage or at least in opinion they were. The only proof I have is that Cliff was the only one who worked on them. I will keep that short for now until another blog I planned to write about. The sexual escapades was another, his and mine. Difference though, it's okay for him to do it. But it's not for me. I will talk about this subject matter under the Countryside Place blog.


Cliff and John had a way of saying things non sholantly. Well, with Cliff partically. He used to say things such as. He had a twin. But only when I was in the room. Making a bigger deal out of it. Showing some picture of a guy that didn't have any resemblance to him whatsoever. I dismissed it, not thinking about it. Not agknowledging anything about my past. I only knew so much. Another thing, he pointed out was one time we were in his, "Lexus ES300". (The one John sold to him.)



He was trying to relate to me. And said, "Hey I'm a wed lock child too!" That made me think a bit. Since I never agknowledged that I was one. Another issue. Which worried me. Was a fight we were having. He mummbled something to me afterwards. "That's the reason why your parents are disowning you and had you taken off there will!" I asked, "How would you know that?" He simled and just walked away.



Anyone putting two and two together yet? I think, with what I know and facts that I have. Gives me a lot of reasonable doubt. That my mother and Cliff did chat it up with each other. Or he chatted with someone within the family. Now I really can't jump the gun about the twin thing or half brother issue. I would have never even though about a twin, if I didn't remember my grandmother saying to me as a teen. "Alex, pss meda. You have a cousin in Chicago that looks excatly like you!" Now looking at the doucments down below. You can see that my old birth cirticate compared to my recent. States two different last names. Rosario was my mother madien name. But if you look at the duration of my birth and how long it was to process. October 25, 1981 to November 4, 1981. Shows concern. Not to mention that I was a C section birth, with complications.



It's hard to shallow, and you can imagine why I feel it is necessary to find out as much I can. So no one can play these damn head games with me anymore. Nor take advantage. I wanted to keep this in the family and I had no problem doing so. That meant I had to conform to there standards. The main point was to show how these people went about attaining my respect, threw manipulation and control. They wanted trust. They wanted, respect. Fact of the matter, they only wanted to take advantage of my naive nature. To keep my mouth shut of as many immoral indiscretions and wicked secrets that I knew.



This was another form of there Betrayal. You see everyone had there reasons to cover up there lies and say I was the insane one. It was easy to blame me. So why not make it easier. Until they run out of excuses and have take the blame for themselves. Betrayal. This is what all these people have in common. Besides me.



As I said before I have no problem keeping within the family. At least back then. This women who told everyone else her bullshit theroys about me but had nothing to back it up. Now, if anyone else states that I should kept it in the family, why should I? Out of respect for her and others, so they could live a blissful life. Oh hell no! There was something that I learn from another movie which, I took out of context yet again. Something from Clea Duvall. Don't be nice, because the world is not nice. It is complicated and messy. Over flowing with arrogance, greedy, and uncertainty. A lot of shit. It's a world where bad wins out every single time. Now you might be to naive to believe that or stupid to learn it. If you believe in the good and mercy of others. You will lose. You will always be the victim. Then you will learn , you'll learn.




It's a motto that now I apply. I had do a lot of Sacrifices. Just to become me, and see the truth for what it was. To see the corruption that surrounded me. This had nothing to do with how many wrongs or traumas I went threw. How many times I was sexually abuse, or treated. Please! I said in the old blog. One time, I understand, Second time, I sympathise from a far. Third time, Tell it to fucking Oprah. Oh I forgot she's on farewell season! This was to show and expose those people. To show what there true nature. They thought they were in the right. These Sociopaths, are not. I may sounded paranoid from which I started this blog but I will leave you with this to ponder on. Paraniods are people too, they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you be paranoid too. D. J. Hicks.