Lies and Bullshit Theories

I can not say this is the higher road and majority of people may debate about this topic. Of course, I can say. I exhausted all other options without conforming. This book / blog has been in the works for years. At least the idea. Others would have given up by now. Seeing it as a lost cause. I felt that I had to do this. To get some closure and be able to finally put this behind me. I know for a fact though, I will never get over this fully. There was just no other way to go about it. I'm not sharpest tool in the shed but I'm pretty damn useful. A quote from my old blog.



There were times that I was paranoid, and maybe I'm still to this day. We can even say it was, Hypervigilance. Your call, I don't really give a shit. How many can say though. That paranoia / hypervigilancy was what saved them. I choose truth, instead of that Delusional lie of a life that I led before. Not into Kurt Cobain, but he said something that I think most people can relate to. Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you. Hopefully, you see what I mean.



This battle that I have been striving with. Has been a second rude awaking for all. Who would have thought that it would have gone this far. I am responsible for a lot of issues. What I can not comprehend. Is why nobody else couldn't do it either. To suck up there pride for just a bit. Anybody could have prevented this. Friends, family, etc. Instead they didn't want to get involved because there own problems. I understand that. So a note to those people. Please understand why I am doing this. This was plan. To discover the truth. Should have applied, "Murphys Law" though. The intent almost backfired on me too. ALMOST... being the key term here. I didn't apply all my emotions to it.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law



The design for this book or blog was memoir, not autobiography. As for the scheme that I constructed. I was trying to get confessions from the three people I knew who were screwing me over. I had agenda. Most people would say that was the dumbest thing I could have done, but who was going to believe me. No one. I looked like the boy who cried wolf. Cut everyone off and let the snakes fall out. Is something that I thought of alot. Ever since Countryside Place. A low income apartment complex in Howell, NJ. I became almost anti social at times with anyone that was close to me. With very good reason though. Throwing myself into work and school.



I just knew that these few people. These inablers were hiding something. They would never amitt to there own faults. I knew this. I had to develop the tendencies of a Sociopath. But why not, I learned it from them. Why not flip the script. They didn't want see the bigger picture. That they were wrong too. They had to learn some how.



http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html




Here is something that I went by, If you suffer your people to be ill educated and there manners corrupted from infancy. Then punish them for there crimes that they were first education was exposed to them. Then what of it, if you make theives and then dispose of them! No offence to Drew barrymore, but I took this out of context and made it work for me. My own trashy philosphy. Not a thief here, but a troubled youth turned into a troublesome man. So as you can see. People made the troubled youth. Then what of it, when people know how the troubled youth will turn out.



It may not make any sense but let me prepose why I thought there were issues here. What made me change my mind about these people. The first thing was my credit report. After sometime, living in Parlin, apart of Sayerville, NJ. Where most of my mother's family resided. Friends were urged me to forgive and forget. I noticed something very starnge. I only lived in NJ, but the address for my parents in PA was on the report. I asked the representative at Experian. Why would this would happen?


Two ways she told me. One , you lived there. Two, someone else used your Social Security number. Well we can honestly say, that number one was not the case. I flagged that bitch so fast. Then made nice, with my parents. They were the only ones who could explain it. Forgiveness could have happen but that was not my true intention. I mean, remember I didn't even know I was adopted at the time. Didn't find out till August 2010. Don't believe me, the Credit report is down below. Also isn't an criminal offence? Sorry, bit of air head here.



An addition to what I am stating. My sister had my home number, and I got a call from her. When answered I the phone. No one replied. It sounded like shuffling and I could here my mother talking. With my father or now we know him as adopted father. I listened, to there conversation. "Well if that fucking faggot thinks he's going to get one over on me he has another thing coming!" Nice huh! Well you could see why I stopped talking to them afterwards. So any theroies on me being jealous of my sister are crap.



Let's jump to another time. Where the letter below will help us. In this letter. She states that I abandon her. That they did not abandon me. I received this reply when I was in jail. This is where I have a problem. If I left them, why was I at the hospital. Centra State, to be exact. Maybe she meant, I left them mentally. Being sarcastic here. The paperwork states it, parents were called. Odd though, they never showed up.



You might ask, why did I have the break down. This will be mention in another blog. Having to do with hospital records. Right now, I can point out the trigger. Besides, having so much stress. Dealing with lifes many issues. Working two jobs and about to go into my senior year of high school. My sister and I had a little disagreement. Her friend was standing on the side lines of this great dabate. We had are squables before, but have to hand it to her. She won this disagreement. By saying this. "This is the reason why were are leaving you here!" You see my parents were in the process of moving again. Didn't know they made a group decision about leaving me in Howell though.



The great thirteen minute phone call. Was one of the hardest situation I ever had to go threw. Almost as hard as my two breakdowns. Also, it pushed me even more so. To do what I had to do. Long story short, I sent her a letter after I got out of jail. An eight page letter which had my cell number. She called. Pulliung over, I had bad gut feeling. So I held back. I was willing to hear her out. She rambled about there is no book on parenting, which my feeling were. Well there is fucking common sense. Then she lead to change the subject. Something about a child hood friend, Joseph. Being killed in a motorcycle accident. This is where I stopped her.


"Mother, what the fuck does this have to do with us!" I had to put my foot down. Stating that I wanted to see her face to face. Public place and we have dish it out there. I didn't care how cold hearted it sounded, or how crazy I was. She tells me the truth. To my face. No more hiding behind other people. What did I get? "Well.. you need to give me your respect!" Can you see why I was so unwilling. "Listen I'm giving you one more chance, the truth. Meet me face to face." She said no. The last words that came out of my mouth were. Well you know what, have a nice LIFE! I hung up the phone, and changed the number. Never heard from any relative again.



Can you understand where I was coming from. Does anyone see the one too many consequences here. If you don't well let me divulge this info, then you can tell me what you think. Anyone can place comments. When it came to Cliff, his bullshit was something I just dismissed. I didn't want to see it for what it was. The Roxy incident was one of them. Remembering Cliff's lines that he used, the bartender did it, or I was drinking to much. Was just ridiclous. Number one don't drink that much. Number two, mother was right about this. Never put your drink down and take your eyes off it. I always did that. As feble minded as that sounds. Anyway I will write more about the Roxy story later. The point. That he did it. Which ruined whatever you want to call this LTR but more so that he betrayed me. The most atrocious part is that I didn't blame him fully. I blamed myself for letting my guard down and for trusting him.


I'm not going to go into any of my cars being sabotage or at least in opinion they were. The only proof I have is that Cliff was the only one who worked on them. I will keep that short for now until another blog I planned to write about. The sexual escapades was another, his and mine. Difference though, it's okay for him to do it. But it's not for me. I will talk about this subject matter under the Countryside Place blog.


Cliff and John had a way of saying things non sholantly. Well, with Cliff partically. He used to say things such as. He had a twin. But only when I was in the room. Making a bigger deal out of it. Showing some picture of a guy that didn't have any resemblance to him whatsoever. I dismissed it, not thinking about it. Not agknowledging anything about my past. I only knew so much. Another thing, he pointed out was one time we were in his, "Lexus ES300". (The one John sold to him.)



He was trying to relate to me. And said, "Hey I'm a wed lock child too!" That made me think a bit. Since I never agknowledged that I was one. Another issue. Which worried me. Was a fight we were having. He mummbled something to me afterwards. "That's the reason why your parents are disowning you and had you taken off there will!" I asked, "How would you know that?" He simled and just walked away.



Anyone putting two and two together yet? I think, with what I know and facts that I have. Gives me a lot of reasonable doubt. That my mother and Cliff did chat it up with each other. Or he chatted with someone within the family. Now I really can't jump the gun about the twin thing or half brother issue. I would have never even though about a twin, if I didn't remember my grandmother saying to me as a teen. "Alex, pss meda. You have a cousin in Chicago that looks excatly like you!" Now looking at the doucments down below. You can see that my old birth cirticate compared to my recent. States two different last names. Rosario was my mother madien name. But if you look at the duration of my birth and how long it was to process. October 25, 1981 to November 4, 1981. Shows concern. Not to mention that I was a C section birth, with complications.



It's hard to shallow, and you can imagine why I feel it is necessary to find out as much I can. So no one can play these damn head games with me anymore. Nor take advantage. I wanted to keep this in the family and I had no problem doing so. That meant I had to conform to there standards. The main point was to show how these people went about attaining my respect, threw manipulation and control. They wanted trust. They wanted, respect. Fact of the matter, they only wanted to take advantage of my naive nature. To keep my mouth shut of as many immoral indiscretions and wicked secrets that I knew.



This was another form of there Betrayal. You see everyone had there reasons to cover up there lies and say I was the insane one. It was easy to blame me. So why not make it easier. Until they run out of excuses and have take the blame for themselves. Betrayal. This is what all these people have in common. Besides me.



As I said before I have no problem keeping within the family. At least back then. This women who told everyone else her bullshit theroys about me but had nothing to back it up. Now, if anyone else states that I should kept it in the family, why should I? Out of respect for her and others, so they could live a blissful life. Oh hell no! There was something that I learn from another movie which, I took out of context yet again. Something from Clea Duvall. Don't be nice, because the world is not nice. It is complicated and messy. Over flowing with arrogance, greedy, and uncertainty. A lot of shit. It's a world where bad wins out every single time. Now you might be to naive to believe that or stupid to learn it. If you believe in the good and mercy of others. You will lose. You will always be the victim. Then you will learn , you'll learn.




It's a motto that now I apply. I had do a lot of Sacrifices. Just to become me, and see the truth for what it was. To see the corruption that surrounded me. This had nothing to do with how many wrongs or traumas I went threw. How many times I was sexually abuse, or treated. Please! I said in the old blog. One time, I understand, Second time, I sympathise from a far. Third time, Tell it to fucking Oprah. Oh I forgot she's on farewell season! This was to show and expose those people. To show what there true nature. They thought they were in the right. These Sociopaths, are not. I may sounded paranoid from which I started this blog but I will leave you with this to ponder on. Paraniods are people too, they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you be paranoid too. D. J. Hicks.

Acceptance / Goodtimes AND A LOT OF FUCKING QUOTES

My apology for the delay. I have been having some difficulties keeping up with this blog. I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed to write this entry. Not to mention the hoilday season is finally here. So, I am finally getting more work. Anyway, Rousseau delivered this qoute. "It is not the criminal things which are hardest to confess, but the ridiculous and shameful!" Now, I did mention I would do this blog in a way of chrological order. Come to think of it, fuck that! I listen too many poeple tell me what I should do. There criticism.

Let alone I did take some of there advice, but not all of it was best for me. I'm going to do this my way, because this is for myself. Not anyone else. Not to mention that it is your choice wether you want to understand this or not. To sympathize from a far. But here is another qoute by Rousseau. Which a have to say, this enlighten man had very great intuitiveness. "We pity in others only those evils which we have ourselves experienced!"

Now, there is a photograph that is down below of this blog, from the book Robert Franks, "The Americans". It was taken in New York City around 1955 to 1956. There was also an exhibit at the The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I just so happen to stumble upon it. I went there by myself for a day trip. Just to get a little culture. The website is down below, if you care to check it out.

http://www.metmuseum.org/special/se_event.asp?OccurrenceId={1FD57D4D-FE17-41FA-9025-E2667E36AD27}

One photo that caught my eye, which is NOT the one below. Was of three gay men walking across the street. They were walking in such a way, that it was inspiring to me. Like models on project runway. Completely adrift and not giving a care of the coruption that surrounded them. These bitches worked it, and were going to be who they were no matter what. It wasn't because they were prostitutes or because they were gay. It was because they were just being them at that given time. With what little they had. These men had to do. What they had to do to surive.

They put up with each others shit, because all they had was an understanding of each other. The scurtiny these bitches had to go threw. Even in that heighten era. I felt drawn to this specific picture and the rest of the photos. That were about them. I sort of looked at them like they were forefathers. It was compelling in someway. I felt I knew what they went threw.

Now here starts the peevish bullshit. After I was leaving, The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I past by a bunch of gay youths. Around in there teens or early twenties. One made that comment, to say the least. He was not to first to say something like that to me. His comment, "It's guys like him that make the gay community look bad!" That came as a shock to me, but I still understood what they were talking about. Also why he felt, he had to say it. It was out of them being naive but also there lack of knowledge.

First of all, it's guys like me that always took those denouncing remarks. Those slings and arrows. If it wasn't for men like those in the photo below and guys such like myself. Gay youths today wouldn't even be able to afford to say those sort of comments out loud. Just to say this , I'm not letting it all go to my head because there are many more such like myself. Who been threw the same and even worst scenarios then me. Even when I was young, I use to scrape the back of my class ring on the lockers at school when coming down the hallway. Just to pre warn anyone I was coming, hence for anyone that hated me.

Not to mention if anyone else was getting picking on. Those bullies would turn there bullshit out on me. I would use my flamboyant ways as a shield. The more they gave dirty looks and called me names. The more I increase the flamer in me. My defence mechanism. Anyway, I knew my problems that I had were bigger then the ones that I faced at school. College acceptance, was the last thing I was thinking of. As the the bitches from Ab Fab would say, Boo hoo squish squish.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism

It's was guys like myself. Also, men like the ones in in that photograph down below that knew what the price was to be this way. To be themselves. To be this outspoken and have that will and think for themselves. No matter what anybody else said or did. It wasn't just about the acceptance. It was the self acceptance. Knowing that anyone elses approval and tolrance was not desired nor fucking required. How to wong foo of me. It might sound wrong, it might sound spiteful. Of course, I can afford to talk that way because I have been threw that run of the mill. Just like anyone who has been threw this kind of treatment.

Why am I stating this, well I'm noticing this alarming trend. With many homosexual people in there twenties or early thirties. The ones say, my parents accepted me. Now, I am only being general. Maybe I'm not seeing threw there eyes. Remembering that everyones case is just a bit different. Hopefully I'm wrong but to define it, acceptance.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance


Acceptance is when a person agrees to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.


The Acceptances


coming to terms with something: the realization of a fact or truth and the process of coming to terms with it


toleration: the toleration of something without protest


social tolerance: willingness to treat somebody as a member of a group or social circle


http://www.bing.com/Dictionary/search?q=define+acceptance&FORM=DTPDIA&qpvt=Acceptance+Definition


Tolerate


3. accept existence of different views: to recognize other people's right to have different beliefs or practices without attempting to suppress them




That is a lot to ask for from any person. The process is slow and the duration of time can be lenghty. I don't think most people understand this. I think people just say this to make themselves feel justitied in polite settings. It's just the right thing to say. But after awhile, we do need to talk about the elephant in the room. With that said, most poeple would just wait off till the problem becomes worst. Or blows up in everyones face. Hence, The Thanksgiving senerio. Mom, I suck dick. Can you please pass the gravy!


It's not the coming out, which is hard enough. But everything else that comes with it. The problems, the situations. Not to mention that stigma which is not just about you or your partner. You have to think of others as well too. Let face it, most people have there own problems, and don't want to be bother with yours. This we all should know, but afarid to amitt. Or not recognize it. Maybe secertly we do. You know what, who gives a flying fuck. When it came to me , my issue was a little more extreme. After awhile, I started to notice that if this is what its all about. Those people who said that they did care but bit there tounge. Then I need to start practicing some self acceptance, but also start being more realistic. Which I find most people are not.



I do not want to be around people who have been tolorating for years. If thats there attitude, then why make it more uncomfortable for them and I. Why even bother? The sad thing here to say , you are going to have to think for yourself sooner or later. To be able to see what right in front of you, besides what lies are all around you. It's like doing the hokie pokie, around people. It's exausting.



I had someone say to me. "Glad to see that you have no hope!" Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe he didn't understand where I was coming from. Or it was little bit of both, who knows. But as I see it. It's not that I have no hope. I'm just being more realistic. Also, a bit more extreme. Perhaps, I'm finally coming to the end of the process of my own acceptance. Here is another qoute, which I heard from a TV show. "No hope, no family, no friends. What do you have left?"



Most people pride themselves, around these three things. Take those away and they fall apart. The real answer, is this. Yourself. Not saying that having these people in your life is such a awful thing. Be grateful for what you have. Just make a mental note. That these people that you pride yourself around with. Are not going to always be there for you. Literary. Some are going to be even resentful and vindictive. You might become so too. Not saying, I'm an enlighten being and it may come across that way. At least though, I can say. I'm pretty content with myself. No matter what lows and highs that I had in my past and what my future may hold. What lessons that are in life. Or as other people may see as regrets or mistakes. I mean, what is the point of living, if not to live.

Now, let me touch on this subject matter. Another person told me that all I do. On this blog is talk about the depressing times. Looking at this, he is right. As people we focus on the vile more then the pleasent. So I will point out the virtuous times that I had. Let me add a tip here though. That most people show there lives as happy extience. If you notice majority show a blissful photos of them skiing or doing family activies. Those fond memories. I did have those too. Not saying I didn't. If you ever seen, Factory Girl. The main lead pointed out the family potrait. Which everyone was happy but yet, what lies were behind that picture. That is the reality and the taboo subject matter we do not talk about.

It almost seems hypocritical. Actually, it is! You see, I can be up beat. During work and with those people that I think are worth my time. Even at times that I am alone. I'm happier by myself. Turning the music up loud, and toning out the issues. Dancing my little ass off. Just letting it go and shake it off for a few hours. That is what makes me ..... Me! That will never change. Unless I feel that it is necessary.

My childhood memories, pictures down below. At stafford apartments, were the very first memories I had. Poping my energetic perky head threw a small window into the kitchen, which had blue shutters. Sort of an irritating to anybody in the room. Watching the Smurfs on ice on the old wooden Quasar TV. Giggling like a small school girl. Having a cat named Moonshine with pierced ears that my mother tested on. Don't ask. Even at times that my adopted father, used to bathed me. Still getting use to the term adoptive father. There was one time that my father turned away to get the towel. He turned back, I endded up pissing onto my own face. Who knew I was into watersports in such an early age.

I rode plastic big wheels around the unit, and screamed out for ice cream when the truck came by in the summer. I had childhood playmates. One was a boy name Joseph, Rest in peace, from what I last heard. Other times, where at my grandmother house. On James street in Sayerville. Dancing, to the hispanic station and techno music on the old stereo. With my aunts and other relatives. Them cheering the name "Ally Ally!". We were a loud rambunctious bunch. Playing the regular kids games, as Hide and go seek. With my cousins. Which they lived a block over on Rose street.

We moved from the apartment, to a house in perth amboy. On the conner of Mary street and Krochmally. Which hello, can you see the gay pun here! There were good times there too. Birthdays celebrated, my aunts babysitting. Other kids on the street, which we play child hood games too. We also moved to Jackson and also Howell too. I was a odd ball, big time into the horror slasher films. Like the movie, Wes Craven A Nightmare on Elm Street, which I loved. Let just say movies had a big influence in my life. Which it does for everyone.

During my school years, I was very active. Doing such things as chours, band, yearbook, newspaper, track, taekwondo, going to the library.Being apart of such clubs, as Human rights committee and gay striaght allience. doing the fashion show, and coming with the idea for it. I had many good times. A lot of laughes. Smiles. Light hearted jokes with good people. I went school dances, I volunteered for two summer at the Menlo Park Vets home. The special needs unit. I hung at the mall, and shopped. I worked at such stores as Bang Bang when it was popular. Even Mc Donalds and Burger King.


Even supermarkets. Such as Path mark and Doyles Thirftway. I went to theme parks such as Great Adventure and rode rides , chilled with friends at the park. I was even on the prom court, for my senior year. It may have been a pity thing since everyone knew my parents had left me. I was happy for at least small duration and I will never forget that. I graduated, with out any of my relatives being there. Only just a few friends. It was the most liberating experience, because I did not think I was going to make it.



There were times I went to NYC with friends. Also, going to the beach, such as Avon by the Sea and dancing and doing cart wheels in the sand. I danced at gay clubs, and did the sence for a bit. Being airheaded and naive. Trying to be myself. Or who I was to become. I did not care about what the cost was, or what a delinquent I might have been to people. I was me and I was happy at that time. Not really seeing the reality for what it was.


I explored my sexuality doing things that would be shameful to other people and there social circles. I did drugs too. I was the stereo type. I willing to accept what was coming. With what lack of knowledge I really knew. With that said, I had to own up to those things, and knew there was consequence. I don't use that as a vice or excuse. I was dumb and naive, but what was everyone elses excuse. I mean, that is what your twenties are all about, right? Testing the waters and experimenting.

I want thank those people that were in my life, even the ones that were deceitful. I'm not happy with it but I'm content, because if I never went threw these splendid and damaging problems. These life issues. I would have never become the person I am today and I will never want to change that. So thanks to everyone, for making me who I am. It took some time but at least I'm happier to see the truth for what it is. Have this gift of knowledge about myself and human behavior. Not to mention this life, and what futrue there may be. I feel like I have been born, once again.