THRASHING JUSTIFICATION AND "FUCKING" COMPOSURE / Medical Records Volume Two

What I had to say so far, most would see it as poor taste. If I was just an on looker, I would have to agree. Judging the same way. The fortitude that has gone into this blog is absurd. Just a glance, most would think this is someone wailing out, saying I was abuse. Fuck that! I have a hard time with people who use crutchs. Example, I don't mind people who use. To each there own. Go right ahead, as long as it consensual and its adult. My issue, is when people have the luxurys to get out of there own addictions. Yet, they do it over and over again. Then give everyone a lame explanation.





You ever see those programs, where you see a reform drug addict on TV. Blaming the substance. "I had the white picket fence, the three story house, the BMW, two kids, a husband and a dog and I lost it to my addiction. "BULLSHIT!" You lost everything because you believed in a lie. Your husband loves being fisted by other men, your kids molesting each other or by the fucking mail man. One is pregnant for a third time. Your in fucking debt up to your eye balls and you needed an outlet from life. So you over indulged in your substance. That's why you crashed the damn BMW threw the white picket fence. Threw the three story house, which caused a fire and killed the family fucking dog.





I feel like saying, "You do this because you don't want to deal with reality!" Which I have to say. Life does suck, but come on take some accountability for yourself. When someone reads this whole entire blog, by now a person should know where the hell I am coming from. To be able to step back and see it for what it is. I take burden for what I have done. Of course, I don't see anyone else taking their mature affairs. What the hell was I suppose to think. From what I have been threw, what I have seen. What I have obtain as knowledge. Hello! There were and still are, too many consequences.





I believe what I have to say on here is the best it going to get. Why? I had to step back yet again and reavalute the whole premise. Going threw all this crap. The Courts. The Anger management. The chaos of the state of New Jersey. Threw hospitals, and doctors. Embracing the Emotional and Psychological Trauma. For almost 4 years, I have been screaming on top of my lungs, at a camera on my netbook. Recording myself. Using this as an outlet. As my own self help therapy. So anyone who says, that it didn't work, fuck them. I said, in the old blog. The worst is yet to come. Cause I knew this was going to happen. Any person with logical common sense could predict this. I have done this before . A way of coping. I knew I would have to do this by myself. With little or no support. Face up and go threw my repression. Yet again. Knowing that there was a discernment for others spiteful intentions.






There are many situations I can divulge, the peices of dirty laundry. These are just a few aspects of what I am babbling about. I don't think sharing all my life problems, is the answer. This is not a fucking auto biography. I just want the reader to get the notion. I am just like anyone else who was forced to live in someone else's shadow. It works for some and others it does not. I had to fake it for a long time. Now looking back at it, I'm glad I took this road. I did have alot to learn. I was naive and some what simple minded. I fell down so many times. By my own hands and others. From those failures and those lessons. I did learn what the true definiton of respect and what it really meant. Also, why that these three people. Didn't not obtain that from me. The over all lesson here is. You have to keep perceived obligations and issues on good terms, no matter how small it is.






Long ago I blogged, " Your secerts are yours and mine to keep, until you fuck me over. Then our secerts become everyones else's business!" I have heard these three, banter the ten thousand and one excuses. I have never seen one of them try to fix the many problems. These three talk their game and their smack, saying whatever they wanted. Thinking they could just walk away from the problems. They had there chance in a damn court room and yet never fucking press chrages! They chicken out when it came to being an adult and taking the responablity for there own actions. Two going on a verge of a third, (Documented) break downs.





Here I am blaming myself for everything and almost deem the notion of it. To come back from those predicaments and trying to secure and solve this all by myself. To be so precise. Shangela is very accurate. When people talk bad about you, it's because they know that you are in the right. I said that in the last blog. But didn't give them the recognition, at that time. The influence of that line holds power of authority. I want to show how anything can be taken from life, from pop culture. From politic debates, etc. How something so small as a word or a sentence can be used. To help out someone. Even if the person has to take it out of context. I did say this in another blog. But hey, were always acquiring information as people. As I said before, take what you can learn. Embrace it and leave the rest behind. So thanks memebers of Drag race. I am charmed by everything said and done on the show. Also, to Shangela. Please take this as a comp. You are the man and you are the woman!




Individuals will come across these problems and issues in life. This is a fact. I am just denoting what I had to do. To either, get out of it. Or go threw it without much support. To do all of this without an addiction, as well. YES WITHOUT AN ADDICTION. NOT BIG USER HERE, there is a difference. Saying right now by thirty years old. I did considerably good. Yet, still staying true to myself and was able to morph into an entity that is more so adult. This process of mature development, in which domain and era changes. Not to mention and how a person adapts to there atmostphere and what habits they pick up. Should be to no one's surprise. But for me to be so adept to pin point my epoch period. Should say something! So if anyone can do this by themselves, without or with minor connerstone of help. Pat yourself on the back.






So for me to speak this way, to be so blunt. This is satisfactory. Remember, I have been exposed to correctional facilities and mental wards. Been around human beings who have killed for inferior motives. Not the most educated person in the vicinity. I do speak out of life experience though. My life experience. The low rent experience. As I like to call it. Anybody can do the same as well. There are far more abominable issues going on. Cancer, Aids, Etc. I find mounds of people helping with grand issues such like the ones I have stipulated and no one concentrating on the small stuff. Like themselves.





Pick yourself up, find an outlet that you can cope and control. Easier said, then done. I know. Do your means to fight back at reality and to keep your sanity. This what I have to say is volger, and a bit straight forward. I find it's exceptional for someone else to depic this as an example and comprehend from it. Knowing that sometimes assistance from groups and support systems do not always help. That your community will not have the answers, and will not be there. It happens sometimes. That's is not there fault. They are humans as well. You and you alone will have to find new ways of survival. Something like this blog maybe would have prevented many individuals from jumpping off a bridge. Or doing something far more worst. Which we all know has been accomplished by many characters. As malicious as it is to say, it's true. Why am I so equivalent because I came from that kind of product as well.





My way is not the right for everyone. I don't expect anyone to go ahead and beat the shit out of someone. No matter how much I feel the person richly deseverd it. Though to say something like this is better then me being some low primate in a jail cell ready to kill. Also, faking it along the way. ( I will tell that tragic story another time during jail records. ) So if I'm the next Bristol Palin, for gay low rent experience. (SNAP!) Then I am.






I made myself look like an asshole in front a lot of people. Have done a few nude shots with photogarphers. I had no idea what I was doing. This was for me to feel myself out, not to mention to explore my sexuality. It happens in your twentys. Others, thirtys. Depends. Can I be honest. If I was going for strung out two dollar gay hooker. I hit the nail on the head. Also my ridiculous appearance in front of one of the biggest names in the gay porn was pathetic. I will not mention their name either. Don't think they would want associated with something some feeble and inadequate. Just for everyone to know, nothing happen. Professional as hell. But really come on, no one was going to touch me anyway with a twenty inch dildo. ( Laugh please, I am. ) There is an upside though. A commodity, to say the least.





It took me sometime to learn. I don't know if they use the qoute anymore. "Good publicity or bad publicity. It is still all publicity!" To understand concept fully but make it work for myself. Maybe way off the chart here but please follow my logic. These three assholes talked so much game, that I knew it would catch up to them. So if they made a big deal about it now. They will look like hypocrites. Oh shit, wait a minute. They already are. I had accept the negative feed back and those labels. Of course, knowing as well. They would not be able to take all that scrutiny. After awhile, I acknowledge I would sooner or later get to the other side of that spectrum. It was just going to take some time, some sanity, and some maturity.






They also did something that most people did not do. They were an arrogant bastard to my face. That's where I have to give the once over thank you. Safe to say, that porn was not the concept for me at that time, maybe it never will. I do have a baffling appreciation for someone like that and anyone else who comes into play of that after thought. Ha! Being a strong minded man. You gonna have to be. To put up with my crazy shit. Either your fucking mentally deranged or you must really love me. The person must really think I am worth their time. Also, I should conclude the same about them.






At the time, that I was throwing over fourty pills in my mouth, I went numb. I am not just talking about the after effects. Not because of what I have generally done in my past. Or that I was abused since the age of four years old. (wink, rolling eyes.) I wasn't even thinking about that. Everyone had given up on me and I had to review there reasons why. Not to mention why I was giving up on myself. My life bit hard. I was at my wits end. I had a weak moment, which this was not the first. Those who are at that point or feeling that temptation , will know what I am talking about. Anyone who says they never been at this point in there own existance, is lieing. It happens to EVERYONE! It is as normal as taken a shit. Don't let anyone tell you different. Now, let's hit the Roxy story one last time. Which was before my second apartment at country side place, the many photographs, making myself into a total asshole, or embracing majority all those brands as what people have placed upon me.







It's remarkable when a song triggers a memory. It is still displeasing to hear though.( Shiny disco balls. By Who da Funk. On the playlist.) The modest span of my club haydays. I was just a nobody. New Years Eve. This specific holiday, now hold me captive. I get wasted enough so I am ignorant to a count down and the rest of the night. That evening, I had two cheap one dollar drinks in my system which did not have that much of affect. Hollywood, Cliff, and I got to the club early. No one was there. I'd danced on the floor beening my naive self. After awhile, I started to get thirsty and went up to the bar. I wanted a bottle of water. Cliff gave me his instead. Which was already opened. There was my fatal mistake. Most boys and girls at this time period will learn this lesson in there own lives.






Now, I remember mother dearest 2.0's phrase." Never put your drink down or look away. Cause it's never going to be yours!" I was pretty good about it, until that dimday. I know that I'm not the first that this has happen too. Many guys my age have been threw the same. Some delete from there head. Others relive it. The rest even pride themselves on it. I just brush it off. Oh well comes with the turf. If it was anybody else, or even if I knew about it. Then I would gotten over it. Since I was sound about keeping my drinks with me though, and knew it came from his hand delibrately. Not to mention what happen afterwards. I do blame him. Within minutes, I lost track of time, never mind a count down. I was lucky to even stay balanced. The reader by now should be able to guess what happend on that balcony.






The whispered saying, " Welcome to New York! " Is still to this day, on debate by many. My claims and accuations the same. The dizzyness plus throwing up of water onto the dance floor. Also, by the entrance was not my highest point at very packed club. Does anyone get the picture yet. What pissed me off the most is how many times I confronted him on it. I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Afterwards of years of many different excuses. Like the bartender did it. Your being paranoid. You were Drunk! Excuse me! The fucking bartender looks like a dreamy Calvin Klein model. I high doubt that. I am not being paranoid, not to mention I was drunk. Yeah right!






After years of arguements, the many issues that happened afterwards, and the games he played. I'm surprised I didn't fucking kill him in his sleep. I have to say I do have a high tolerance for twisted insanity. Anyone who doesn't agree with me by now. Well gee.. don't be to shocked when you find my young ass with the bitter old queens at the end of the bar. Quoting Ethel Merman. " Here's ten dollars, ... GO FUCK YOURSELF! " The Roxy and those events were never the problem. I did had awesome time there. I was just stuck on an issue I could not comprehend. So please, if your bitch who can relate. Stop yourself and play this song on the playlist by Frankee. Fuck you right back. There some power there. Then continue on.







I am sorry to all of those people who had to hear my late night / early morning screams. It's hard to keep that kind of composure with not much support. Also trying to do your own treatment. For those who are lost, if this is your best way. Please learn from me. Or at least try. Another example of people who might not understand. Is Meridian Health care. Record is down below. It was over in Red Bank. At the time. Right across from the hospital. I was living by myself at countryside place. Cliff had me considering, that I need to get help. I still didn't fully trust my mother and not to mention that phone call with Marlena's cell phone.






I went into Meridian Behavioral Health Clinic, and filled out the forms. Saw this intake worker who was gay. Before I go any futher. To anyone who is about to do the same as I did. Take into consideration, when you go shooting your mouth off. Your going to be label. Be prepared and make sure you don't have any false hopes. I blabbed anything and everything that came to mind. You have to be open minded when it come to this line of work, I know. After the chat, I was told to sit outside in the waiting room. I was about to sit down. When the urge to suddenly piss, hit me. I walked to the front desk. Asked where the restroom was. The receptionist pointed me to the other hallway. Just as I rounded the conner, I saw the same in take worker walk into his Supervisors office. The rest room was a few doors down on the other side of that hallway. The door was a bit open. I just so happen to eavesdrop on what they were saying.








The laughter that came from that office was discouraging enough. Especially, when my name was involved. I pushed myself back, felt that moment of dread. That sinking feeling, that no one can help me now. I didn't have to piss anymore and my walk accelerated. Never returning to that hospital and vowing never to fully trust another medical professional as long as I live. Here is another kicker, a couple of days later. I got call from the intake worker. Saying that he would like me to come to one of his group sessions. Does anyone see the reason why, I didn't return the call. Rousseau and Dorthany Parker once said, This book is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. Well here I am, once again! Takening it out of context and making work for me. THIS BLOG IS NOT TO BE TOSSED LIGHTLY ASIDE. BUT TO BE HURLED WITH GREAT FORCE! Now, I leave it up to the reader to decide. Whom it will be metaphoricly be HURLED at?







There were two times in my era that I lived at the countryside place. A low income complex in Howell, New Jersey. Off the long strech of Route 9 and West Farms road. Behind the Home depot. Surrounded by tralier parks and farm land. Five o' clock in the morning you can hear the roasters crow and the birds chirp. Sometimes, before dawn, before work. With a cup of coffee in a cheap green cermaic mug. I'd sit on the cemment and watch the sun rise. With all the crazyness. The insanity. Of life and the many problems and issues. This was where things made sense. Where there was no complexity. Where I could enjoy myself. Be at peace, even for 15 minutes the most. I like to call this. My down time.







The first time I lived at countryside. Was with an ex boyfriend of mine. A vast decade older then me. I was basicly on my own by now. My parents had already left for PA. I still had to finish high school. Some friends did help me cope. Staying at there place. Until the issues subsided. The school borad understood what I was going threw. The white trash gay boy, who's parents left him. Cause of his own problems that he brought upon himself. Cliff did come around at this time, not to say there wasn't bliss but there is a price for such emotions. My ex had anger issues as well, since it was like taking care of a kid. Hell, like. It was. Since I was only a senior with no clue. Who had a mental collapse just a few months ago. Went threw court, etc. Of course, that is no excuse.






The companionship between my ex and I endded badly. Cliff did not break us up. I did. It was out of some gay melodramtic drama. Years later, I did meet my ex yet again. We did get a chance to squash the shit that was between us and put it behind. I would have gotten pissed too. I do hope he is doing well, and to those others that I left it on good or bad terms but we have reconciled. Thank you. For the many precious times and those few atrocious periods. To say you have to pick your own battles, is yet understatement but which ones to hold a grudge too. Is another. You 'll see what I mean.







The second time, I was at country side place. I lived in a small studio apt. Cliff and I had made our split and I did have somewhat contact with my mother. I already caught Cliff and Hollywood with the many excuses of fooling around with each other and other men. Not to mention the Roxy thing already happened. How I caught him was way simple. When I was living with him at the habour club. I went into his closet to get a shirt for work. One of his shirts in the way back of the of the closet started crinkled and crunched. It was coming from his shirt pocket. Grabbing it, I found 14 condoms.







Que in the dramatics. I did call my mother at the time. I ask for advice. We were somewhat on speaking terms. Then I came to the small plan of putting them back. Now there wouldn't such a problem, if he didn't have a shower bag full of over 30 or so condoms in his bathroom. There was no reason to hide the shirt, unless he was being dishonest. So to make a long story short. I went to work. Working for a company called Charlotte Russe. I made a call over to Cliff on my lunch break and Hollywood was over. The next day, Cliff went to work. I went into his closet, and pullled out the shirt. 11 condoms left.







Like any relationship, any person knows it's going to have it issues. But these, are where problems lie. The roxy story happened. Cliff is talking his game. Saying his many white trash phrases. Hollywood aka John Halm is manipulating the issue. Let alone, Cliff as well. Fucking codeine and cough syrup sociopath. Mother dearest 2.0 is still spiteful and trying to get back at me. Using my ssn number and talking her game as well. Everyone is being dishonest and pushing me to believe that I'm paraniod. Saying I'm the trouble maker, I'm insane, working on my insecuritys and I'm letting them. The bullshit had to stop somewhere. So when I write this shit. To those three, remember. What I have to say are just labels and words. IT WON'T FUCKING HURT YOU!






Anyway, I think the readers would also want to know why I have such a profound respect for prostitutes. Maybe it's because I did the same kind of work just for a few months. Another excuse for Cliff, Hollywood, and my mother to use against me. Here is the reason why it will not work. I was with Cliff before I started to do what he like to call, Hookering it! Mother dearest 2.0 already used my ssn number, and it's already stated and proved as a fact on my credit report. Picture down below.





How I got into it was pretty simple. My last job I was let go from. To say the least not the smartest lad of the bunch. I would see why they would push me out. I had bills to pay. I answer an ad in the newspaper for a driver. Surprise, it was for an escort business. This was around the early spring. The money was and easy. The only thing I had to do, was sit back and wait for the girl. If there was a sign of trouble, we had a code. she get out of there and we take off. I get small percentage, the girl would get her cut, and the pimp would get his.






One night, I got call from the pimp. ( Can I say this pimp was goodlooking, not model wise. But very good looking. ) He mention that he has a client who wants a guy. I asked him why didn't he do it himself. " He wants younger, you interested? ". I thought about it for a minute, the rent is due in a few days. Not to mention I was jobless. So fuck it. I told the pimp, which now he became my pimp. "I'll be ready in a hour!" I'm not going to go to much of what happened that evening or what I had to do. To say that it was degrating. Is bullshit. There was nothing degrading about it. Did I like it? Lets just say, I go back and forth. I can owned up to it with a chuckle. I still did the driver thing for a couple more weeks and a client here and there. Then I did something which made everything awkward. I slept with my good looking pimp. Let's just say, my inexperienece surrpasted me. Yet his did too. Afterwards, I debated about my placement in his company. It endded there.






By then, I started pimping myself out, now having no work what so ever. Oh I was ever so fucking clever. ( Sarcasm here. ) I would be more like a massage therapist. To be honest, let's drop the massage part. In calls and out calls. My little low rent ways did place some good looking clients to which I even had to ask myself, "Why are you even paying me?" I should be paying them. Some of the men that walked threw my doorway. Oh my lord if he exists. I had a nice small income as well. Leanred something too. They all need an outlet. Just for that hour. They needed to get away from the hysteria of the reality. From the world that they created. Hard to believe, for some yes. Others, no. You have to put yourself in that situation, to comprehend. Some of the stories I have heard were heart breaking. Others just pityful excuses. The whole idea about it, they all had there problems and felt they were at fault. Wether if they were or weren't. Their drug addict partner, doesn't give them that pleasure anymore. They are separated. Being around them makes them depressed and they tried working on it for years. They have different expections about money. Not just sexually, but mental and emotional too.





Cliff by now knew about what I was doing and lets just say the car problems started to happen again. So this is where abouts things stared to make a turn, and now I was fighting again. Struggling, money finally stopped. Cliff stared to appear more so, mother dearest and her daughters phone call. That's when I came to that conclusion. That one night, thinking about that phone call. The roxy story. The lies. The cars. The problems my mother put me threw. The ssn being used. Etc. Etc. Etc. Not to mention where I was at in life. See the patterns, see what I am talking about. For somweone to say I don't know people. Is bullshit! In my small era, I have gone threw my fair share of shit. The last point in my life at countryside, sitting at a cheap Ikea table. This is where the plan was kicked into effect. The book was born, even as an idea.








We all have defining moments in our lives. Those turning points. Sometimes, it's right in a court room. Others, when we wake up from a nightmare. Even when it's on the brink of death. I remember I said to someone. Death is the inevitable. I hope that person figured the rest out like I had too when he pasted a comment to me. "So live it for what it is!" Stupid but true. I think this moment was mine. To turn the tables and make them eat there words. No matter what the cost was. So to say this is done in poor taste. I don't think so. I would rather be a Chemically induced drug mule in the most low rent revolting gay snuff film. Then go back to these three assholes. It is very well, extreme. But here is the reason I say this. There is nothing like freewill and being knowledgeable, and knowing where you come from. At least. Now, I know why. Compared to being with those three. Who kept me in the dark about everything. Who have denied me, from who I am. Not to mention, manipulating me into something that was not true from the get go. What I had to indure to find out the truth myself and to be overall right. PLEASE! ( Snap! ) It's the fucking principle of this matter that pisses me off. So why the hell, should I let it go.






So, I might have a askew preception on sex industry, drugs, people, therapy, life etc. Hey, at least I have an improved appreciatation, then most. We can say a lot didn't work out for me but it makse me a bit more confidant in myself. To at least struggle to live to the next day. Which I am proud to amitt that. Also, this will help with the next partner if there maybe one. Cause he might feel those overall emotions but at least he knows what he's is getting into. Also, I conclude he will know just like anyone else who crosses my path. Why am I so guarded and I believe such a statement holds so much truth. No man is ever a man complete without his bitch! Meaning, you are nothing without your fucking partner. Period!

The Paranoid Game / Overthinking it?

The last time I was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC, I tweeted a link of a certain illustration. Of all the wondrous representations that are located in the Asian Art section. I was drawed to this certain depiction called, Carpet of Male Effigy. I found myself asking," Why am I attract to this carpet? " Was it because of the taboo subject matter? A naked male, fasten and restricted by chains. The faded color secheme? Maybe, it's just on some deeper level of subconscious? I feel its the reader, who should deliberate what the grounds maybe. Only, "I," will know the true reasoning behind it.


The gallery's label reads. This is a rare example of a carpet depicting a chain-bound male figure (Tibetan: ling ga), here "imprisoned" within a triangular enclosure guarded by severed heads at the terminus of each projection. Such iconography is associated with the destruction of the effigy, during which surrogate imagery is sacrificed in rites that mimic the practices described in ritual texts, which dictate how one must "summon," "bind," and "destroy" internal "demons" and other negative forces that obstruct the attainment of advanced wisdom. The Tibetan sacrificial brazier used in fire ritual (Homa) is also triangular in form, similarly serving as both a prison for capturing destructive elements and a gateway to higher consciousness. The famous manuscript Secret Visions of the 5th Dalai Lama describes and illustrates such rites and the necessary ritual paraphernalia.


http://www.metmuseum.org/works_of_art/collection_database/all/carpet_of_male_effigy/objectview.aspx?page=1&sort=6&sortdir=asc&keyword=carpet of male effigy&fp=1&dd1=0&dd2=0&vw=1&collID=0&OID=60050155&vT=1&hi=0&ov=0



My enlighten insane ramblings now out of the way. I'm going to give some insight on the subject matter called, "The Paranoid Game". Which we all play as human beings.




(The Paranoid Game)




"The Objectives of the Game"




1) Is to get your opponent to react in such a way. That arises suspicion or comfirms. The opponent will do or say something which answers the benefactors assumptions.




2) Once the knowledge is obtain, The information can be use against the opposer.




3) The information can be use to control the opposer. It being mentally, physically, or emotionally. Or, all the above.




4) The Paranoid Game, can be applied to two or more players.




5) At the end, the person would say to their rival. "Your just being paranoid!" Obtaining that information needed but placing the seed of doubt, within the opponent.





EXAMPLE




One day after a heated debate. Cliff and I went to his car to go to the store. The arguement continued inside the car. His aberrant tone made me wonder a bit. He told me to move out. Yet again, this was not the first time he had said this. I remember him also using one of his favorite expessions. "Love it or leave it!" I was getting fed up with this shit. Which was his intention. Anyway, he turned on his CD player and played a song and exclaimed. "This is one of his favorite songs!" "Situation" by Yazoo. Giving me the stink eye while playing that song. So I asked, "What are you trying to say. You want me to move out? You have something to say, then just say it!" Cliff responded, "Oh no, your just being paranoid!"





Now, here is the kicker. Remember, I said something about being two steps ahead in a previous blog. There was a bar friend that Cliff, John, and I had in common. This "Friend," worked at the same mall as I did. He was trying to enquirer info about Cliff and all that drama. You know, the gossiping trash that people talk about. My gut instinct, told me NOT to trust this guy. So to settle the issue. I told him about a few disagreements and how I played songs with lyrics. That matched my feelings of what I felt at that moment. I figured, that there were going to be two ways that this was going to play out. This "Friend," would stay quite and turn out to be genuine. Or, that he would blab and it would get back to Cliff and John. Confirming everything, that I felt and already knew.




How low rent and childish is this game. Yet, it's not uncommon at all. Here is a website that breaks down about mind games. I hope this explains a lot more about the people I had to live with and the games that they played. Also, sheds light on the reason why I had to do what I did.





Psychological Mind Games -- Serious Business, Serious Players





Psychological mind games are habitual patterns and methods of structuring time and obtaining Strokes.

Games are interpersonal time structuring options sandwiched in between the safer, more superficial option of engaging in Pasttimes and the riskier, more candid option of authentic Intimacy.

Psychological games were first identified and cataloged by Eric Berne M.D., founder of Transactional Analysis in his classic book from the mid 1960's Games People Play.

Berne defined a "Game" as: A patterned and predictable series of transactions which are superficially plausible but actually conceal motivations and lead to a well-defined predictable outcome.

Subconscious Repetitive Programs or Patterns of Behavior

These psychological mind games are habitual [neural networked] programs of behavior that exist in the implicit memory and run subconsciously - beneath the awareness of even the initiator of the game.

In other words, we don't intentionally engage in these games... In fact, many of us have expressed and/or heard this friendly warning early in a relationship..."I don't play games".

It's not a good thing to have a reputation as a "player" or a "tease". But since healthy intimacy, 24/7, with everyone we know is not possible in our society we have little choice but to engage in various games.

These psychological mind games are not played for fun...They are dysfunctional subconscious programs that have been created by our Little Professor in order to adapt to the dysfunction of our family and obtain strokes -- even negative strokes are better than no strokes at all.

The games we play are also, at least partly, the result of the role-modeling of our parents. When we watch them play certain games over and over again we develop the network for that program (Intensity and Repetition). They become part of our Love Map.

Many times our parents (subconsciously) even teach us the rules and how to play the games. These teachings are apparent in the Injunctions and Attributions we carry within us throughout life.

Even though many psychological mind games can be harmful, there is always a secondary gain or "payoff" for playing -- also known as a positive intention in Parts Integration Therapy. Here is a partial list of possible Payoffs...
•To structure time
•To obtain strokes -- either negative or positive attention
•To protect one from experiences that are believed to cause pain -- e.g., trusting others or risking intimacy
•To maintain belief systems in a steady-state
•To maintain the experience of familiar emotional themes -- e.g., a steady-state of abandonment, shame, & contempt
•To confirm and maintain an Existential or Psychological Position -- e.g., "I'm not ok...you're ok"
•To block intimacy while receiving enough strokes to "get by" -- it takes a LOT more negative strokes to get by than positive ones.
•To make life and other people predictable


Angular & Duplex Complimentary Transactions

Psychological mind games are played on two levels...the social level (represented by the solid lines) and the psychological level (represented by the dotted lines).
With games, more than two ego states are involved in two complimentary transactions occurring simultaneously...one on a conscious (social) level the other on a subconscious (psychological) level.
•Duplex Transactions involve four ego states. (Diagram - Right)


•Angular Transactions involve three ego states. (Diagram - Below)


On the social level everything appears to be above board, honest Adult-to-Adult communication... but on the psychological level a subconscious program stored in implicit memory is sending a hidden message.

The hidden message is the invitation... or "bait"... from a Child Ego State designed to "hook" a perceived limitation in a Parent or Child Ego State of the receiver of the message.

Key Point: "It takes two to tango"... The partner we choose must know how to play the games we play.
Perceived limitations are identified and "cataloged" through subconscious perception in the partner or mate selection process -- what I call the subconscious synchronization of compatible neural networks.

So, on a conscious level Person A... the initiator... appears to be sending a socially acceptable message -- while on a subconscious level a game is being played.

When the receiver -- Person B -- responds by taking the bait there is a "switch" in ego states by Person A who gets a surprise feeling or experience (the payoff).
Angular transactions are consciously employed by tele-marketers, bill collectors, and door-to-door salesman in order to get the sale or collect the money (payoff). This is probably where the phrase... "What's your angle?" came from. Perhaps the following will illustrate...•Salesman A - Social or conscious Level... "I think this is the best model, but you probably can't afford it". (Verbal message from Adult-to-Adult)

Psychological or subconscious level..."It's not for you". (Non-verbal para-message from Adult-to-Child)


•Customer B - Social or conscious Level... "I'll take it." (Verbal message from Adult-to-Adult)

Psychological or subconscious level..."I'll show you! I'm as good as anyone else!" (Non-verbal para-message from Child-to-Adult)


Duplex transactions, those involving four ego states, are the psychological mind games that we are concerned with here... They are played by innocent people on a subconscious, or mostly subconscious level.

Let's take the following example to show how games are passed on from parent to child...(Diagram - Below)

Context: Billy's mother sat in the living room, talking on the phone with a friend... Suddenly there was a loud crash in the next room... upon entering the room Billy's mother found the cookie jar had been knocked off the table and onto the floor -- Billy was standing next to it.
•Mother (M) - Social or conscious Level... "Who did that?". (Verbal inquiry from Adult-in-the-Adult to the Adult-in-the-Child -- aka Little Professor)

Psychological or subconscious level... Mother knew that Billy broke the jar and she discounted that she should have child-proofed the room... Her social "fact-finding" question was a subconscious invitation for Billy to lie.


•Billy (B) - Social or conscious level..."Sissy did it".

Psychological or subconscious level... Having been witness to mother's anger before, Billy's Little Professor creatively came up with a way out...except for one thing, Sissy had left the house with her father to run errands 30 minutes earlier.


•Mother (M) - Social or conscious Level... Slaps Billy and yells..."I can't stand a liar!". (Switch from Adult to Adapted Child -- specifically the Critical Parent ego state to Billy's Vulnerable Child)

Psychological or subconscious level... Mother's payoff was a surprise feeling of righteous anger that confirmed her strongly held belief that "males cannot be trusted"(M).

When her anger had passed the game was over... When she was able to re-activate her Adult and Parent ego states, she felt terrible for "over-reacting".



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In the above example mother was playing a Persecutor game called "Now I've Got You, You SOB!"(M) and Billy was learning a Victim game called "Kick Me"(B).
All Billy had to do was say "I did it" and his mother couldn't play her game. But the Little Professor goes on instinct since it does not yet have the wisdom of experience... the instinct for self-preservation says "stay out of harms way".

Key Point: The sudden shift in ego states by mother provides intensity which, combined with the repetition of playing the game over and over again, will burn the game instructions into a neural network that Billy will likely carry with him into his adult relationships and mate selection process.

In other words, Billy may subconsciously search out and find a partner who knows how to play "Now I've Got You, You SOB!" so he can continue to play the "Kick Me" game. It's in the courtship phase that the subconscious auditions are done -- with the use of subconscious perception.

Psychological mind games fit easily into the framework of the Drama Triangle and always include a Victim, Rescuer, and/or Persecutor. They may be played with mild, moderate or severe intensity.

Check out the common relationship mind games to explore further.


http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/psychological_mind_games.html





Well, I think that stated a mouthful. At this time, I have to mention. I did get some feed back. Comments that I heard before. The samantics. In a way, Linguistic development. Which most poeple have heard before in there own lives. Grow up, shut up , your being retarded. Or some other form undermining. It's to be expected. Of course, I take it and view it as. Any comment that is negative or has a negative passive undertone is just an reaction becasue they know that I am in the right.
I also, did some recon about mental schemas. This was pretty insightful but yet, does not really apply to me.




Subjugation
This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these clients fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Clients who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent.



Self-Sacrifice
This schema refers to the excessive sacrifice of one's own needs in order to help others. When these clients pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own. Often people whom self-sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.




http://www.cognitivetherapy.me.uk/schema_therapy.htm



http://www.lucreid.com/?p=2331







The reason why these do not work out in my theroy. Number one, I was right. Mother dearest 2.0 was holding something back. Cliff and John were hiding something too. Number two. I summited myself into that propaganda. I gave up that control, knowing there would be negative bullshit and backlash. The truth was, I did sacrifice. I did it more then enough. Not to mention, I didn't want to be overall right. I just wanted to be correct about Cliff and John. Putting that all aside. I was accurate about everything. I do feel guilty that it had to come to something like this. In the matter of speaking. My low rent eloquent phrases and the preponderance of these intentional head games has placed me on the edge of my humanity.




Why would anyone do such a thing and place themselves in that way. For a higher consciousness? Cause they enjoyed it? Or got tried of it? Many excuses here can be used. My motive, I just wanted to hear him tell me to my face. I felt I should have gotten that much respect. Not like it was going to make me feel better but at least some closeure. As for mother dearest though. It always plauged in the back of my head, something was not right. Maybe it was the ssn number being used. Or the whole concept of school. Or that saying that rang in my head after our Thirteen minute conversation. "Well, you know..History repeats itself!" Or the many fights. Or the abuse. Etc, etc, etc.



Now, that I have opened my mouth about this. Also, how about this insanity comes into play and my mentality. I do have to show a couple of things that were left out. With in the past three years, I went threw the process of the system. My probation finally ended. In the month of march, of this year. Still trying to find a better job. Not to mention, writing this blog. Which shows patterns. Not to mention motives. I do believe that these three people have a lot more to own up too. That is my opinion. There is enough infomation to show, I am overall correct.




To say the least, I seen many tricks , friends, lovers, companions, etc. Go threw the same process. Not just with John and Cliff. With their friends too. This is way to common with most people. But there was a great difference, in this senerio. Having seen there true nature. I was not first that these two assholes have done this too. I seen it happen with many others, with my own eyes. I came to a point where I had enough. Concluding, that I was not the first but I was very well going to be the last. Not giving myself too much credit here thought. Beating up Cliff was not my intention. That was not part of my plan. I let emotions get the best of me. That was my fault. I believe I have stated this before. I was processed, judged, and served my sentence. Was that justifed? Some would say, yes. Others would say, no. That is on their own behalf. As for breaking societies rules. That is another story.





Was there a better way to go about this. No, who would listen to me. and thats where this comes into play. This would be my justice. To be able to be heard , no matter how crazy this sounds. I'm bequeathing the same common manner as did to me. Being able to talk smack about these three, only this time able to back it up.





The restraining orders. (Yes plural, more then one.) Come to my head. During this tragic event of my life. I had a Temporary restraining order placed on me by the police department. Which was signed by Cliff. As I stayed in jail. Within the two weeks time. I had to go to court to finalize that restraining order. Oh how I remember that allotment. To shorten this. I had to go to the family court. Just sitting there alone, hand cuffed. Waitng. Scraping my finger nails under the table that was in front of me. The empty court room stood quite expect for the police officers that were in the room. Cliff came in. I made every attempt to not look at him.





I wanted to jump out of that chair so bad and suffocate him. Instead, I sat there quite and looked at the judges chair. This document was processed rather quickly and explained. With all honesty, I really didn't give a flying fuck. As long as he stayed far away from me. I was happy. After the document was pushed threw. I was told to stay seated. Cliff was told to leave first. Without any warning, he walked over to me and was trying to resure me that everything was going to be okay. That my bills would be taken care of and that my car and my cutie of a chubby tabby cat, Snickers would be okay.I jumpped back from him so fast that I was from one end of the table to the other in a slpit second. This happened right in front of the judge and the two police officers. My heart was pounding out of my very own skin . Now worried about, what would happen to the belonging that were left behind. What he had acess too. There was that paranoia again.




Here's the another kicker. I beat the shit out of this guy, because of the many issues. The many problems he put me threw. I became uncivilized and was punished for it. I beat this man who was older and stronger then me. In the middle of the afternoon. In front of the many neighbors at his complex. Yet, I had to place a restraining order back on him. YES!!! HELLO!!!




First of all. For those haven't placed a restraining order in the great state of New Jersey. If someone places an order on another person. The person who placed it can still contact the other one but that party can not contact the one who placed the restraining document. A peice of infomation which I think is valueable to anyone. Most people think that a restraining order goes both ways. It does not. I had to go back to family court and place one back out on Cliff. How he contacted me was by e-mail. The first time, telling me that I had mail still coming to his place.





WHAT THE FUCK! I mean are people that dumb or subconsciously did he want me to respond. Really. I felt that he was trying to find out where I was at. Give it back to the fucking post office and tell them I don't live there anymore. I was so petrified that he would find me. Being that two people took a chance on me, and bailed me out. Now, I had to worry that my drama would be coming and affect these people as well. At that period, I was so scared. Not of him but I was afraid that he did find me. And approuched me. I would have finished what I had started, this time endding his extistance. Losing my myself completely and letting some primimal force take over.





I didn't respond to that email. I just saved it. Then try to move on. Maybe it was just me and I was looking to deep into it. Of course, was not going to give him a benefit of a doubt. I considered changing the screen name. Then I started to realize that by doing this I was cutting myself off. I could have made a new name but that premise bother me . What was next? Hide underneath a rock. I was stuck in New jersey by law for awhile. So there really wasn't much that I could do.






I just had to suck it up. Just deal and hope that was the last e-mail. I was wrong. He contacted me again. This time to say, Happy Birthday. When I got that e-mail, I collapse again. This man scared me so much. Cause him, just like my mother could bring out the worst in me. Looking back, throwing the restraining order back on him. Suffering the hyperventing, evevry time I though he might find me. Threw people or friends. Parties. My Anxiety threw the roof. Jumping up, when hearing the slightest noise. Having knives and other weaponry by my bedside. You know, just in case.





My paranoia was amplified, highten to hypervilgency which I felt I could not get a grasp on. Having mininal support, because others did not know what to do, or did not want to get involve. I attempted anything and everything to get few bits of help. Help lines. Joining programs and expermentations for disorders. Going to medical behavior centers. Hospitals, clinics. I was a hot crazy mess. Actually, just a crazy mess. There is that low self esteem again. Actually, still a crazy mess. Just a bit more tolerable.






After seeing all those doctors, going threw all this process. I think I could honestly say, that therpy and going to get treatment was not going to overall help. I was going to have to do this by myself. Doesn't help either that I couldn't afford medical, with recession going on. To boot being in a catch 22 situation. Please read blog, "Catch 22." I understand I was acting out in a way that society would see as abnormal. Give me some kudos though, at least I could recognize that. If someone can say that to themselves, recognize and believe that. Then they have some hope. Remember the old saying. "Real crazy people don't know that there crazy!"





Not saying, I am the sanest person in the room either, but if I can amitt that, know that, and feel that. Even accept it. I'm a lot better off then most. The truth about normalcy, in my opinion is pretty simple. Is to show one persona for one enivorment or atmostphere. Then another, at another time. I touched this subject before about the work persona and the home persona. It's basic Pych 101 really. We all know this. It's how we are to maintain a social acceptance. Sometimes I feel its like being in the "CLOSET" again.






Forbid that if we show are true overall selves. Inner Freak and all. There are just some things that we as people keep behind close doors or in the cloest. Which people love to find out and use for there own benefit. Better to do that, then to think of their own bullshit. Now I'm sounding crazy again. Oh shit! Wait a minute! TOO LATE! Anticipated it too much. Hey, I would rather overthink everything. then not consider it. At least then, I feel better knowing that I tried and made sure to not leave any stone unturned. A last I do have to leave my qoute. Something that I now say and know it holds true. At least, I think! (Smile) "You have to be a strong man to stand next to me...A strong minded man!"