The Paranoid Game / Overthinking it?

The last time I was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC, I tweeted a link of a certain illustration. Of all the wondrous representations that are located in the Asian Art section. I was drawed to this certain depiction called, Carpet of Male Effigy. I found myself asking," Why am I attract to this carpet? " Was it because of the taboo subject matter? A naked male, fasten and restricted by chains. The faded color secheme? Maybe, it's just on some deeper level of subconscious? I feel its the reader, who should deliberate what the grounds maybe. Only, "I," will know the true reasoning behind it.


The gallery's label reads. This is a rare example of a carpet depicting a chain-bound male figure (Tibetan: ling ga), here "imprisoned" within a triangular enclosure guarded by severed heads at the terminus of each projection. Such iconography is associated with the destruction of the effigy, during which surrogate imagery is sacrificed in rites that mimic the practices described in ritual texts, which dictate how one must "summon," "bind," and "destroy" internal "demons" and other negative forces that obstruct the attainment of advanced wisdom. The Tibetan sacrificial brazier used in fire ritual (Homa) is also triangular in form, similarly serving as both a prison for capturing destructive elements and a gateway to higher consciousness. The famous manuscript Secret Visions of the 5th Dalai Lama describes and illustrates such rites and the necessary ritual paraphernalia.


http://www.metmuseum.org/works_of_art/collection_database/all/carpet_of_male_effigy/objectview.aspx?page=1&sort=6&sortdir=asc&keyword=carpet of male effigy&fp=1&dd1=0&dd2=0&vw=1&collID=0&OID=60050155&vT=1&hi=0&ov=0



My enlighten insane ramblings now out of the way. I'm going to give some insight on the subject matter called, "The Paranoid Game". Which we all play as human beings.




(The Paranoid Game)




"The Objectives of the Game"




1) Is to get your opponent to react in such a way. That arises suspicion or comfirms. The opponent will do or say something which answers the benefactors assumptions.




2) Once the knowledge is obtain, The information can be use against the opposer.




3) The information can be use to control the opposer. It being mentally, physically, or emotionally. Or, all the above.




4) The Paranoid Game, can be applied to two or more players.




5) At the end, the person would say to their rival. "Your just being paranoid!" Obtaining that information needed but placing the seed of doubt, within the opponent.





EXAMPLE




One day after a heated debate. Cliff and I went to his car to go to the store. The arguement continued inside the car. His aberrant tone made me wonder a bit. He told me to move out. Yet again, this was not the first time he had said this. I remember him also using one of his favorite expessions. "Love it or leave it!" I was getting fed up with this shit. Which was his intention. Anyway, he turned on his CD player and played a song and exclaimed. "This is one of his favorite songs!" "Situation" by Yazoo. Giving me the stink eye while playing that song. So I asked, "What are you trying to say. You want me to move out? You have something to say, then just say it!" Cliff responded, "Oh no, your just being paranoid!"





Now, here is the kicker. Remember, I said something about being two steps ahead in a previous blog. There was a bar friend that Cliff, John, and I had in common. This "Friend," worked at the same mall as I did. He was trying to enquirer info about Cliff and all that drama. You know, the gossiping trash that people talk about. My gut instinct, told me NOT to trust this guy. So to settle the issue. I told him about a few disagreements and how I played songs with lyrics. That matched my feelings of what I felt at that moment. I figured, that there were going to be two ways that this was going to play out. This "Friend," would stay quite and turn out to be genuine. Or, that he would blab and it would get back to Cliff and John. Confirming everything, that I felt and already knew.




How low rent and childish is this game. Yet, it's not uncommon at all. Here is a website that breaks down about mind games. I hope this explains a lot more about the people I had to live with and the games that they played. Also, sheds light on the reason why I had to do what I did.





Psychological Mind Games -- Serious Business, Serious Players





Psychological mind games are habitual patterns and methods of structuring time and obtaining Strokes.

Games are interpersonal time structuring options sandwiched in between the safer, more superficial option of engaging in Pasttimes and the riskier, more candid option of authentic Intimacy.

Psychological games were first identified and cataloged by Eric Berne M.D., founder of Transactional Analysis in his classic book from the mid 1960's Games People Play.

Berne defined a "Game" as: A patterned and predictable series of transactions which are superficially plausible but actually conceal motivations and lead to a well-defined predictable outcome.

Subconscious Repetitive Programs or Patterns of Behavior

These psychological mind games are habitual [neural networked] programs of behavior that exist in the implicit memory and run subconsciously - beneath the awareness of even the initiator of the game.

In other words, we don't intentionally engage in these games... In fact, many of us have expressed and/or heard this friendly warning early in a relationship..."I don't play games".

It's not a good thing to have a reputation as a "player" or a "tease". But since healthy intimacy, 24/7, with everyone we know is not possible in our society we have little choice but to engage in various games.

These psychological mind games are not played for fun...They are dysfunctional subconscious programs that have been created by our Little Professor in order to adapt to the dysfunction of our family and obtain strokes -- even negative strokes are better than no strokes at all.

The games we play are also, at least partly, the result of the role-modeling of our parents. When we watch them play certain games over and over again we develop the network for that program (Intensity and Repetition). They become part of our Love Map.

Many times our parents (subconsciously) even teach us the rules and how to play the games. These teachings are apparent in the Injunctions and Attributions we carry within us throughout life.

Even though many psychological mind games can be harmful, there is always a secondary gain or "payoff" for playing -- also known as a positive intention in Parts Integration Therapy. Here is a partial list of possible Payoffs...
•To structure time
•To obtain strokes -- either negative or positive attention
•To protect one from experiences that are believed to cause pain -- e.g., trusting others or risking intimacy
•To maintain belief systems in a steady-state
•To maintain the experience of familiar emotional themes -- e.g., a steady-state of abandonment, shame, & contempt
•To confirm and maintain an Existential or Psychological Position -- e.g., "I'm not ok...you're ok"
•To block intimacy while receiving enough strokes to "get by" -- it takes a LOT more negative strokes to get by than positive ones.
•To make life and other people predictable


Angular & Duplex Complimentary Transactions

Psychological mind games are played on two levels...the social level (represented by the solid lines) and the psychological level (represented by the dotted lines).
With games, more than two ego states are involved in two complimentary transactions occurring simultaneously...one on a conscious (social) level the other on a subconscious (psychological) level.
•Duplex Transactions involve four ego states. (Diagram - Right)


•Angular Transactions involve three ego states. (Diagram - Below)


On the social level everything appears to be above board, honest Adult-to-Adult communication... but on the psychological level a subconscious program stored in implicit memory is sending a hidden message.

The hidden message is the invitation... or "bait"... from a Child Ego State designed to "hook" a perceived limitation in a Parent or Child Ego State of the receiver of the message.

Key Point: "It takes two to tango"... The partner we choose must know how to play the games we play.
Perceived limitations are identified and "cataloged" through subconscious perception in the partner or mate selection process -- what I call the subconscious synchronization of compatible neural networks.

So, on a conscious level Person A... the initiator... appears to be sending a socially acceptable message -- while on a subconscious level a game is being played.

When the receiver -- Person B -- responds by taking the bait there is a "switch" in ego states by Person A who gets a surprise feeling or experience (the payoff).
Angular transactions are consciously employed by tele-marketers, bill collectors, and door-to-door salesman in order to get the sale or collect the money (payoff). This is probably where the phrase... "What's your angle?" came from. Perhaps the following will illustrate...•Salesman A - Social or conscious Level... "I think this is the best model, but you probably can't afford it". (Verbal message from Adult-to-Adult)

Psychological or subconscious level..."It's not for you". (Non-verbal para-message from Adult-to-Child)


•Customer B - Social or conscious Level... "I'll take it." (Verbal message from Adult-to-Adult)

Psychological or subconscious level..."I'll show you! I'm as good as anyone else!" (Non-verbal para-message from Child-to-Adult)


Duplex transactions, those involving four ego states, are the psychological mind games that we are concerned with here... They are played by innocent people on a subconscious, or mostly subconscious level.

Let's take the following example to show how games are passed on from parent to child...(Diagram - Below)

Context: Billy's mother sat in the living room, talking on the phone with a friend... Suddenly there was a loud crash in the next room... upon entering the room Billy's mother found the cookie jar had been knocked off the table and onto the floor -- Billy was standing next to it.
•Mother (M) - Social or conscious Level... "Who did that?". (Verbal inquiry from Adult-in-the-Adult to the Adult-in-the-Child -- aka Little Professor)

Psychological or subconscious level... Mother knew that Billy broke the jar and she discounted that she should have child-proofed the room... Her social "fact-finding" question was a subconscious invitation for Billy to lie.


•Billy (B) - Social or conscious level..."Sissy did it".

Psychological or subconscious level... Having been witness to mother's anger before, Billy's Little Professor creatively came up with a way out...except for one thing, Sissy had left the house with her father to run errands 30 minutes earlier.


•Mother (M) - Social or conscious Level... Slaps Billy and yells..."I can't stand a liar!". (Switch from Adult to Adapted Child -- specifically the Critical Parent ego state to Billy's Vulnerable Child)

Psychological or subconscious level... Mother's payoff was a surprise feeling of righteous anger that confirmed her strongly held belief that "males cannot be trusted"(M).

When her anger had passed the game was over... When she was able to re-activate her Adult and Parent ego states, she felt terrible for "over-reacting".



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In the above example mother was playing a Persecutor game called "Now I've Got You, You SOB!"(M) and Billy was learning a Victim game called "Kick Me"(B).
All Billy had to do was say "I did it" and his mother couldn't play her game. But the Little Professor goes on instinct since it does not yet have the wisdom of experience... the instinct for self-preservation says "stay out of harms way".

Key Point: The sudden shift in ego states by mother provides intensity which, combined with the repetition of playing the game over and over again, will burn the game instructions into a neural network that Billy will likely carry with him into his adult relationships and mate selection process.

In other words, Billy may subconsciously search out and find a partner who knows how to play "Now I've Got You, You SOB!" so he can continue to play the "Kick Me" game. It's in the courtship phase that the subconscious auditions are done -- with the use of subconscious perception.

Psychological mind games fit easily into the framework of the Drama Triangle and always include a Victim, Rescuer, and/or Persecutor. They may be played with mild, moderate or severe intensity.

Check out the common relationship mind games to explore further.


http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/psychological_mind_games.html





Well, I think that stated a mouthful. At this time, I have to mention. I did get some feed back. Comments that I heard before. The samantics. In a way, Linguistic development. Which most poeple have heard before in there own lives. Grow up, shut up , your being retarded. Or some other form undermining. It's to be expected. Of course, I take it and view it as. Any comment that is negative or has a negative passive undertone is just an reaction becasue they know that I am in the right.
I also, did some recon about mental schemas. This was pretty insightful but yet, does not really apply to me.




Subjugation
This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these clients fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Clients who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent.



Self-Sacrifice
This schema refers to the excessive sacrifice of one's own needs in order to help others. When these clients pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own. Often people whom self-sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.




http://www.cognitivetherapy.me.uk/schema_therapy.htm



http://www.lucreid.com/?p=2331







The reason why these do not work out in my theroy. Number one, I was right. Mother dearest 2.0 was holding something back. Cliff and John were hiding something too. Number two. I summited myself into that propaganda. I gave up that control, knowing there would be negative bullshit and backlash. The truth was, I did sacrifice. I did it more then enough. Not to mention, I didn't want to be overall right. I just wanted to be correct about Cliff and John. Putting that all aside. I was accurate about everything. I do feel guilty that it had to come to something like this. In the matter of speaking. My low rent eloquent phrases and the preponderance of these intentional head games has placed me on the edge of my humanity.




Why would anyone do such a thing and place themselves in that way. For a higher consciousness? Cause they enjoyed it? Or got tried of it? Many excuses here can be used. My motive, I just wanted to hear him tell me to my face. I felt I should have gotten that much respect. Not like it was going to make me feel better but at least some closeure. As for mother dearest though. It always plauged in the back of my head, something was not right. Maybe it was the ssn number being used. Or the whole concept of school. Or that saying that rang in my head after our Thirteen minute conversation. "Well, you know..History repeats itself!" Or the many fights. Or the abuse. Etc, etc, etc.



Now, that I have opened my mouth about this. Also, how about this insanity comes into play and my mentality. I do have to show a couple of things that were left out. With in the past three years, I went threw the process of the system. My probation finally ended. In the month of march, of this year. Still trying to find a better job. Not to mention, writing this blog. Which shows patterns. Not to mention motives. I do believe that these three people have a lot more to own up too. That is my opinion. There is enough infomation to show, I am overall correct.




To say the least, I seen many tricks , friends, lovers, companions, etc. Go threw the same process. Not just with John and Cliff. With their friends too. This is way to common with most people. But there was a great difference, in this senerio. Having seen there true nature. I was not first that these two assholes have done this too. I seen it happen with many others, with my own eyes. I came to a point where I had enough. Concluding, that I was not the first but I was very well going to be the last. Not giving myself too much credit here thought. Beating up Cliff was not my intention. That was not part of my plan. I let emotions get the best of me. That was my fault. I believe I have stated this before. I was processed, judged, and served my sentence. Was that justifed? Some would say, yes. Others would say, no. That is on their own behalf. As for breaking societies rules. That is another story.





Was there a better way to go about this. No, who would listen to me. and thats where this comes into play. This would be my justice. To be able to be heard , no matter how crazy this sounds. I'm bequeathing the same common manner as did to me. Being able to talk smack about these three, only this time able to back it up.





The restraining orders. (Yes plural, more then one.) Come to my head. During this tragic event of my life. I had a Temporary restraining order placed on me by the police department. Which was signed by Cliff. As I stayed in jail. Within the two weeks time. I had to go to court to finalize that restraining order. Oh how I remember that allotment. To shorten this. I had to go to the family court. Just sitting there alone, hand cuffed. Waitng. Scraping my finger nails under the table that was in front of me. The empty court room stood quite expect for the police officers that were in the room. Cliff came in. I made every attempt to not look at him.





I wanted to jump out of that chair so bad and suffocate him. Instead, I sat there quite and looked at the judges chair. This document was processed rather quickly and explained. With all honesty, I really didn't give a flying fuck. As long as he stayed far away from me. I was happy. After the document was pushed threw. I was told to stay seated. Cliff was told to leave first. Without any warning, he walked over to me and was trying to resure me that everything was going to be okay. That my bills would be taken care of and that my car and my cutie of a chubby tabby cat, Snickers would be okay.I jumpped back from him so fast that I was from one end of the table to the other in a slpit second. This happened right in front of the judge and the two police officers. My heart was pounding out of my very own skin . Now worried about, what would happen to the belonging that were left behind. What he had acess too. There was that paranoia again.




Here's the another kicker. I beat the shit out of this guy, because of the many issues. The many problems he put me threw. I became uncivilized and was punished for it. I beat this man who was older and stronger then me. In the middle of the afternoon. In front of the many neighbors at his complex. Yet, I had to place a restraining order back on him. YES!!! HELLO!!!




First of all. For those haven't placed a restraining order in the great state of New Jersey. If someone places an order on another person. The person who placed it can still contact the other one but that party can not contact the one who placed the restraining document. A peice of infomation which I think is valueable to anyone. Most people think that a restraining order goes both ways. It does not. I had to go back to family court and place one back out on Cliff. How he contacted me was by e-mail. The first time, telling me that I had mail still coming to his place.





WHAT THE FUCK! I mean are people that dumb or subconsciously did he want me to respond. Really. I felt that he was trying to find out where I was at. Give it back to the fucking post office and tell them I don't live there anymore. I was so petrified that he would find me. Being that two people took a chance on me, and bailed me out. Now, I had to worry that my drama would be coming and affect these people as well. At that period, I was so scared. Not of him but I was afraid that he did find me. And approuched me. I would have finished what I had started, this time endding his extistance. Losing my myself completely and letting some primimal force take over.





I didn't respond to that email. I just saved it. Then try to move on. Maybe it was just me and I was looking to deep into it. Of course, was not going to give him a benefit of a doubt. I considered changing the screen name. Then I started to realize that by doing this I was cutting myself off. I could have made a new name but that premise bother me . What was next? Hide underneath a rock. I was stuck in New jersey by law for awhile. So there really wasn't much that I could do.






I just had to suck it up. Just deal and hope that was the last e-mail. I was wrong. He contacted me again. This time to say, Happy Birthday. When I got that e-mail, I collapse again. This man scared me so much. Cause him, just like my mother could bring out the worst in me. Looking back, throwing the restraining order back on him. Suffering the hyperventing, evevry time I though he might find me. Threw people or friends. Parties. My Anxiety threw the roof. Jumping up, when hearing the slightest noise. Having knives and other weaponry by my bedside. You know, just in case.





My paranoia was amplified, highten to hypervilgency which I felt I could not get a grasp on. Having mininal support, because others did not know what to do, or did not want to get involve. I attempted anything and everything to get few bits of help. Help lines. Joining programs and expermentations for disorders. Going to medical behavior centers. Hospitals, clinics. I was a hot crazy mess. Actually, just a crazy mess. There is that low self esteem again. Actually, still a crazy mess. Just a bit more tolerable.






After seeing all those doctors, going threw all this process. I think I could honestly say, that therpy and going to get treatment was not going to overall help. I was going to have to do this by myself. Doesn't help either that I couldn't afford medical, with recession going on. To boot being in a catch 22 situation. Please read blog, "Catch 22." I understand I was acting out in a way that society would see as abnormal. Give me some kudos though, at least I could recognize that. If someone can say that to themselves, recognize and believe that. Then they have some hope. Remember the old saying. "Real crazy people don't know that there crazy!"





Not saying, I am the sanest person in the room either, but if I can amitt that, know that, and feel that. Even accept it. I'm a lot better off then most. The truth about normalcy, in my opinion is pretty simple. Is to show one persona for one enivorment or atmostphere. Then another, at another time. I touched this subject before about the work persona and the home persona. It's basic Pych 101 really. We all know this. It's how we are to maintain a social acceptance. Sometimes I feel its like being in the "CLOSET" again.






Forbid that if we show are true overall selves. Inner Freak and all. There are just some things that we as people keep behind close doors or in the cloest. Which people love to find out and use for there own benefit. Better to do that, then to think of their own bullshit. Now I'm sounding crazy again. Oh shit! Wait a minute! TOO LATE! Anticipated it too much. Hey, I would rather overthink everything. then not consider it. At least then, I feel better knowing that I tried and made sure to not leave any stone unturned. A last I do have to leave my qoute. Something that I now say and know it holds true. At least, I think! (Smile) "You have to be a strong man to stand next to me...A strong minded man!"