What I had to say so far, most would see it as poor taste. If I was just an on looker, I would have to agree. Judging the same way. The fortitude that has gone into this blog is absurd. Just a glance, most would think this is someone wailing out, saying I was abuse. Fuck that! I have a hard time with people who use crutchs. Example, I don't mind people who use. To each there own. Go right ahead, as long as it consensual and its adult. My issue, is when people have the luxurys to get out of there own addictions. Yet, they do it over and over again. Then give everyone a lame explanation.
You ever see those programs, where you see a reform drug addict on TV. Blaming the substance. "I had the white picket fence, the three story house, the BMW, two kids, a husband and a dog and I lost it to my addiction. "BULLSHIT!" You lost everything because you believed in a lie. Your husband loves being fisted by other men, your kids molesting each other or by the fucking mail man. One is pregnant for a third time. Your in fucking debt up to your eye balls and you needed an outlet from life. So you over indulged in your substance. That's why you crashed the damn BMW threw the white picket fence. Threw the three story house, which caused a fire and killed the family fucking dog.
I feel like saying, "You do this because you don't want to deal with reality!" Which I have to say. Life does suck, but come on take some accountability for yourself. When someone reads this whole entire blog, by now a person should know where the hell I am coming from. To be able to step back and see it for what it is. I take burden for what I have done. Of course, I don't see anyone else taking their mature affairs. What the hell was I suppose to think. From what I have been threw, what I have seen. What I have obtain as knowledge. Hello! There were and still are, too many consequences.
I believe what I have to say on here is the best it going to get. Why? I had to step back yet again and reavalute the whole premise. Going threw all this crap. The Courts. The Anger management. The chaos of the state of New Jersey. Threw hospitals, and doctors. Embracing the Emotional and Psychological Trauma. For almost 4 years, I have been screaming on top of my lungs, at a camera on my netbook. Recording myself. Using this as an outlet. As my own self help therapy. So anyone who says, that it didn't work, fuck them. I said, in the old blog. The worst is yet to come. Cause I knew this was going to happen. Any person with logical common sense could predict this. I have done this before . A way of coping. I knew I would have to do this by myself. With little or no support. Face up and go threw my repression. Yet again. Knowing that there was a discernment for others spiteful intentions.
There are many situations I can divulge, the peices of dirty laundry. These are just a few aspects of what I am babbling about. I don't think sharing all my life problems, is the answer. This is not a fucking auto biography. I just want the reader to get the notion. I am just like anyone else who was forced to live in someone else's shadow. It works for some and others it does not. I had to fake it for a long time. Now looking back at it, I'm glad I took this road. I did have alot to learn. I was naive and some what simple minded. I fell down so many times. By my own hands and others. From those failures and those lessons. I did learn what the true definiton of respect and what it really meant. Also, why that these three people. Didn't not obtain that from me. The over all lesson here is. You have to keep perceived obligations and issues on good terms, no matter how small it is.
Long ago I blogged, " Your secerts are yours and mine to keep, until you fuck me over. Then our secerts become everyones else's business!" I have heard these three, banter the ten thousand and one excuses. I have never seen one of them try to fix the many problems. These three talk their game and their smack, saying whatever they wanted. Thinking they could just walk away from the problems. They had there chance in a damn court room and yet never fucking press chrages! They chicken out when it came to being an adult and taking the responablity for there own actions. Two going on a verge of a third, (Documented) break downs.
Here I am blaming myself for everything and almost deem the notion of it. To come back from those predicaments and trying to secure and solve this all by myself. To be so precise. Shangela is very accurate. When people talk bad about you, it's because they know that you are in the right. I said that in the last blog. But didn't give them the recognition, at that time. The influence of that line holds power of authority. I want to show how anything can be taken from life, from pop culture. From politic debates, etc. How something so small as a word or a sentence can be used. To help out someone. Even if the person has to take it out of context. I did say this in another blog. But hey, were always acquiring information as people. As I said before, take what you can learn. Embrace it and leave the rest behind. So thanks memebers of Drag race. I am charmed by everything said and done on the show. Also, to Shangela. Please take this as a comp. You are the man and you are the woman!
Individuals will come across these problems and issues in life. This is a fact. I am just denoting what I had to do. To either, get out of it. Or go threw it without much support. To do all of this without an addiction, as well. YES WITHOUT AN ADDICTION. NOT BIG USER HERE, there is a difference. Saying right now by thirty years old. I did considerably good. Yet, still staying true to myself and was able to morph into an entity that is more so adult. This process of mature development, in which domain and era changes. Not to mention and how a person adapts to there atmostphere and what habits they pick up. Should be to no one's surprise. But for me to be so adept to pin point my epoch period. Should say something! So if anyone can do this by themselves, without or with minor connerstone of help. Pat yourself on the back.
So for me to speak this way, to be so blunt. This is satisfactory. Remember, I have been exposed to correctional facilities and mental wards. Been around human beings who have killed for inferior motives. Not the most educated person in the vicinity. I do speak out of life experience though. My life experience. The low rent experience. As I like to call it. Anybody can do the same as well. There are far more abominable issues going on. Cancer, Aids, Etc. I find mounds of people helping with grand issues such like the ones I have stipulated and no one concentrating on the small stuff. Like themselves.
Pick yourself up, find an outlet that you can cope and control. Easier said, then done. I know. Do your means to fight back at reality and to keep your sanity. This what I have to say is volger, and a bit straight forward. I find it's exceptional for someone else to depic this as an example and comprehend from it. Knowing that sometimes assistance from groups and support systems do not always help. That your community will not have the answers, and will not be there. It happens sometimes. That's is not there fault. They are humans as well. You and you alone will have to find new ways of survival. Something like this blog maybe would have prevented many individuals from jumpping off a bridge. Or doing something far more worst. Which we all know has been accomplished by many characters. As malicious as it is to say, it's true. Why am I so equivalent because I came from that kind of product as well.
My way is not the right for everyone. I don't expect anyone to go ahead and beat the shit out of someone. No matter how much I feel the person richly deseverd it. Though to say something like this is better then me being some low primate in a jail cell ready to kill. Also, faking it along the way. ( I will tell that tragic story another time during jail records. ) So if I'm the next Bristol Palin, for gay low rent experience. (SNAP!) Then I am.
I made myself look like an asshole in front a lot of people. Have done a few nude shots with photogarphers. I had no idea what I was doing. This was for me to feel myself out, not to mention to explore my sexuality. It happens in your twentys. Others, thirtys. Depends. Can I be honest. If I was going for strung out two dollar gay hooker. I hit the nail on the head. Also my ridiculous appearance in front of one of the biggest names in the gay porn was pathetic. I will not mention their name either. Don't think they would want associated with something some feeble and inadequate. Just for everyone to know, nothing happen. Professional as hell. But really come on, no one was going to touch me anyway with a twenty inch dildo. ( Laugh please, I am. ) There is an upside though. A commodity, to say the least.
It took me sometime to learn. I don't know if they use the qoute anymore. "Good publicity or bad publicity. It is still all publicity!" To understand concept fully but make it work for myself. Maybe way off the chart here but please follow my logic. These three assholes talked so much game, that I knew it would catch up to them. So if they made a big deal about it now. They will look like hypocrites. Oh shit, wait a minute. They already are. I had accept the negative feed back and those labels. Of course, knowing as well. They would not be able to take all that scrutiny. After awhile, I acknowledge I would sooner or later get to the other side of that spectrum. It was just going to take some time, some sanity, and some maturity.
They also did something that most people did not do. They were an arrogant bastard to my face. That's where I have to give the once over thank you. Safe to say, that porn was not the concept for me at that time, maybe it never will. I do have a baffling appreciation for someone like that and anyone else who comes into play of that after thought. Ha! Being a strong minded man. You gonna have to be. To put up with my crazy shit. Either your fucking mentally deranged or you must really love me. The person must really think I am worth their time. Also, I should conclude the same about them.
At the time, that I was throwing over fourty pills in my mouth, I went numb. I am not just talking about the after effects. Not because of what I have generally done in my past. Or that I was abused since the age of four years old. (wink, rolling eyes.) I wasn't even thinking about that. Everyone had given up on me and I had to review there reasons why. Not to mention why I was giving up on myself. My life bit hard. I was at my wits end. I had a weak moment, which this was not the first. Those who are at that point or feeling that temptation , will know what I am talking about. Anyone who says they never been at this point in there own existance, is lieing. It happens to EVERYONE! It is as normal as taken a shit. Don't let anyone tell you different. Now, let's hit the Roxy story one last time. Which was before my second apartment at country side place, the many photographs, making myself into a total asshole, or embracing majority all those brands as what people have placed upon me.
It's remarkable when a song triggers a memory. It is still displeasing to hear though.( Shiny disco balls. By Who da Funk. On the playlist.) The modest span of my club haydays. I was just a nobody. New Years Eve. This specific holiday, now hold me captive. I get wasted enough so I am ignorant to a count down and the rest of the night. That evening, I had two cheap one dollar drinks in my system which did not have that much of affect. Hollywood, Cliff, and I got to the club early. No one was there. I'd danced on the floor beening my naive self. After awhile, I started to get thirsty and went up to the bar. I wanted a bottle of water. Cliff gave me his instead. Which was already opened. There was my fatal mistake. Most boys and girls at this time period will learn this lesson in there own lives.
Now, I remember mother dearest 2.0's phrase." Never put your drink down or look away. Cause it's never going to be yours!" I was pretty good about it, until that dimday. I know that I'm not the first that this has happen too. Many guys my age have been threw the same. Some delete from there head. Others relive it. The rest even pride themselves on it. I just brush it off. Oh well comes with the turf. If it was anybody else, or even if I knew about it. Then I would gotten over it. Since I was sound about keeping my drinks with me though, and knew it came from his hand delibrately. Not to mention what happen afterwards. I do blame him. Within minutes, I lost track of time, never mind a count down. I was lucky to even stay balanced. The reader by now should be able to guess what happend on that balcony.
The whispered saying, " Welcome to New York! " Is still to this day, on debate by many. My claims and accuations the same. The dizzyness plus throwing up of water onto the dance floor. Also, by the entrance was not my highest point at very packed club. Does anyone get the picture yet. What pissed me off the most is how many times I confronted him on it. I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Afterwards of years of many different excuses. Like the bartender did it. Your being paranoid. You were Drunk! Excuse me! The fucking bartender looks like a dreamy Calvin Klein model. I high doubt that. I am not being paranoid, not to mention I was drunk. Yeah right!
After years of arguements, the many issues that happened afterwards, and the games he played. I'm surprised I didn't fucking kill him in his sleep. I have to say I do have a high tolerance for twisted insanity. Anyone who doesn't agree with me by now. Well gee.. don't be to shocked when you find my young ass with the bitter old queens at the end of the bar. Quoting Ethel Merman. " Here's ten dollars, ... GO FUCK YOURSELF! " The Roxy and those events were never the problem. I did had awesome time there. I was just stuck on an issue I could not comprehend. So please, if your bitch who can relate. Stop yourself and play this song on the playlist by Frankee. Fuck you right back. There some power there. Then continue on.
I am sorry to all of those people who had to hear my late night / early morning screams. It's hard to keep that kind of composure with not much support. Also trying to do your own treatment. For those who are lost, if this is your best way. Please learn from me. Or at least try. Another example of people who might not understand. Is Meridian Health care. Record is down below. It was over in Red Bank. At the time. Right across from the hospital. I was living by myself at countryside place. Cliff had me considering, that I need to get help. I still didn't fully trust my mother and not to mention that phone call with Marlena's cell phone.
I went into Meridian Behavioral Health Clinic, and filled out the forms. Saw this intake worker who was gay. Before I go any futher. To anyone who is about to do the same as I did. Take into consideration, when you go shooting your mouth off. Your going to be label. Be prepared and make sure you don't have any false hopes. I blabbed anything and everything that came to mind. You have to be open minded when it come to this line of work, I know. After the chat, I was told to sit outside in the waiting room. I was about to sit down. When the urge to suddenly piss, hit me. I walked to the front desk. Asked where the restroom was. The receptionist pointed me to the other hallway. Just as I rounded the conner, I saw the same in take worker walk into his Supervisors office. The rest room was a few doors down on the other side of that hallway. The door was a bit open. I just so happen to eavesdrop on what they were saying.
The laughter that came from that office was discouraging enough. Especially, when my name was involved. I pushed myself back, felt that moment of dread. That sinking feeling, that no one can help me now. I didn't have to piss anymore and my walk accelerated. Never returning to that hospital and vowing never to fully trust another medical professional as long as I live. Here is another kicker, a couple of days later. I got call from the intake worker. Saying that he would like me to come to one of his group sessions. Does anyone see the reason why, I didn't return the call. Rousseau and Dorthany Parker once said, This book is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. Well here I am, once again! Takening it out of context and making work for me. THIS BLOG IS NOT TO BE TOSSED LIGHTLY ASIDE. BUT TO BE HURLED WITH GREAT FORCE! Now, I leave it up to the reader to decide. Whom it will be metaphoricly be HURLED at?
There were two times in my era that I lived at the countryside place. A low income complex in Howell, New Jersey. Off the long strech of Route 9 and West Farms road. Behind the Home depot. Surrounded by tralier parks and farm land. Five o' clock in the morning you can hear the roasters crow and the birds chirp. Sometimes, before dawn, before work. With a cup of coffee in a cheap green cermaic mug. I'd sit on the cemment and watch the sun rise. With all the crazyness. The insanity. Of life and the many problems and issues. This was where things made sense. Where there was no complexity. Where I could enjoy myself. Be at peace, even for 15 minutes the most. I like to call this. My down time.
The first time I lived at countryside. Was with an ex boyfriend of mine. A vast decade older then me. I was basicly on my own by now. My parents had already left for PA. I still had to finish high school. Some friends did help me cope. Staying at there place. Until the issues subsided. The school borad understood what I was going threw. The white trash gay boy, who's parents left him. Cause of his own problems that he brought upon himself. Cliff did come around at this time, not to say there wasn't bliss but there is a price for such emotions. My ex had anger issues as well, since it was like taking care of a kid. Hell, like. It was. Since I was only a senior with no clue. Who had a mental collapse just a few months ago. Went threw court, etc. Of course, that is no excuse.
The companionship between my ex and I endded badly. Cliff did not break us up. I did. It was out of some gay melodramtic drama. Years later, I did meet my ex yet again. We did get a chance to squash the shit that was between us and put it behind. I would have gotten pissed too. I do hope he is doing well, and to those others that I left it on good or bad terms but we have reconciled. Thank you. For the many precious times and those few atrocious periods. To say you have to pick your own battles, is yet understatement but which ones to hold a grudge too. Is another. You 'll see what I mean.
The second time, I was at country side place. I lived in a small studio apt. Cliff and I had made our split and I did have somewhat contact with my mother. I already caught Cliff and Hollywood with the many excuses of fooling around with each other and other men. Not to mention the Roxy thing already happened. How I caught him was way simple. When I was living with him at the habour club. I went into his closet to get a shirt for work. One of his shirts in the way back of the of the closet started crinkled and crunched. It was coming from his shirt pocket. Grabbing it, I found 14 condoms.
Que in the dramatics. I did call my mother at the time. I ask for advice. We were somewhat on speaking terms. Then I came to the small plan of putting them back. Now there wouldn't such a problem, if he didn't have a shower bag full of over 30 or so condoms in his bathroom. There was no reason to hide the shirt, unless he was being dishonest. So to make a long story short. I went to work. Working for a company called Charlotte Russe. I made a call over to Cliff on my lunch break and Hollywood was over. The next day, Cliff went to work. I went into his closet, and pullled out the shirt. 11 condoms left.
Like any relationship, any person knows it's going to have it issues. But these, are where problems lie. The roxy story happened. Cliff is talking his game. Saying his many white trash phrases. Hollywood aka John Halm is manipulating the issue. Let alone, Cliff as well. Fucking codeine and cough syrup sociopath. Mother dearest 2.0 is still spiteful and trying to get back at me. Using my ssn number and talking her game as well. Everyone is being dishonest and pushing me to believe that I'm paraniod. Saying I'm the trouble maker, I'm insane, working on my insecuritys and I'm letting them. The bullshit had to stop somewhere. So when I write this shit. To those three, remember. What I have to say are just labels and words. IT WON'T FUCKING HURT YOU!
Anyway, I think the readers would also want to know why I have such a profound respect for prostitutes. Maybe it's because I did the same kind of work just for a few months. Another excuse for Cliff, Hollywood, and my mother to use against me. Here is the reason why it will not work. I was with Cliff before I started to do what he like to call, Hookering it! Mother dearest 2.0 already used my ssn number, and it's already stated and proved as a fact on my credit report. Picture down below.
How I got into it was pretty simple. My last job I was let go from. To say the least not the smartest lad of the bunch. I would see why they would push me out. I had bills to pay. I answer an ad in the newspaper for a driver. Surprise, it was for an escort business. This was around the early spring. The money was and easy. The only thing I had to do, was sit back and wait for the girl. If there was a sign of trouble, we had a code. she get out of there and we take off. I get small percentage, the girl would get her cut, and the pimp would get his.
One night, I got call from the pimp. ( Can I say this pimp was goodlooking, not model wise. But very good looking. ) He mention that he has a client who wants a guy. I asked him why didn't he do it himself. " He wants younger, you interested? ". I thought about it for a minute, the rent is due in a few days. Not to mention I was jobless. So fuck it. I told the pimp, which now he became my pimp. "I'll be ready in a hour!" I'm not going to go to much of what happened that evening or what I had to do. To say that it was degrating. Is bullshit. There was nothing degrading about it. Did I like it? Lets just say, I go back and forth. I can owned up to it with a chuckle. I still did the driver thing for a couple more weeks and a client here and there. Then I did something which made everything awkward. I slept with my good looking pimp. Let's just say, my inexperienece surrpasted me. Yet his did too. Afterwards, I debated about my placement in his company. It endded there.
By then, I started pimping myself out, now having no work what so ever. Oh I was ever so fucking clever. ( Sarcasm here. ) I would be more like a massage therapist. To be honest, let's drop the massage part. In calls and out calls. My little low rent ways did place some good looking clients to which I even had to ask myself, "Why are you even paying me?" I should be paying them. Some of the men that walked threw my doorway. Oh my lord if he exists. I had a nice small income as well. Leanred something too. They all need an outlet. Just for that hour. They needed to get away from the hysteria of the reality. From the world that they created. Hard to believe, for some yes. Others, no. You have to put yourself in that situation, to comprehend. Some of the stories I have heard were heart breaking. Others just pityful excuses. The whole idea about it, they all had there problems and felt they were at fault. Wether if they were or weren't. Their drug addict partner, doesn't give them that pleasure anymore. They are separated. Being around them makes them depressed and they tried working on it for years. They have different expections about money. Not just sexually, but mental and emotional too.
Cliff by now knew about what I was doing and lets just say the car problems started to happen again. So this is where abouts things stared to make a turn, and now I was fighting again. Struggling, money finally stopped. Cliff stared to appear more so, mother dearest and her daughters phone call. That's when I came to that conclusion. That one night, thinking about that phone call. The roxy story. The lies. The cars. The problems my mother put me threw. The ssn being used. Etc. Etc. Etc. Not to mention where I was at in life. See the patterns, see what I am talking about. For somweone to say I don't know people. Is bullshit! In my small era, I have gone threw my fair share of shit. The last point in my life at countryside, sitting at a cheap Ikea table. This is where the plan was kicked into effect. The book was born, even as an idea.
We all have defining moments in our lives. Those turning points. Sometimes, it's right in a court room. Others, when we wake up from a nightmare. Even when it's on the brink of death. I remember I said to someone. Death is the inevitable. I hope that person figured the rest out like I had too when he pasted a comment to me. "So live it for what it is!" Stupid but true. I think this moment was mine. To turn the tables and make them eat there words. No matter what the cost was. So to say this is done in poor taste. I don't think so. I would rather be a Chemically induced drug mule in the most low rent revolting gay snuff film. Then go back to these three assholes. It is very well, extreme. But here is the reason I say this. There is nothing like freewill and being knowledgeable, and knowing where you come from. At least. Now, I know why. Compared to being with those three. Who kept me in the dark about everything. Who have denied me, from who I am. Not to mention, manipulating me into something that was not true from the get go. What I had to indure to find out the truth myself and to be overall right. PLEASE! ( Snap! ) It's the fucking principle of this matter that pisses me off. So why the hell, should I let it go.
So, I might have a askew preception on sex industry, drugs, people, therapy, life etc. Hey, at least I have an improved appreciatation, then most. We can say a lot didn't work out for me but it makse me a bit more confidant in myself. To at least struggle to live to the next day. Which I am proud to amitt that. Also, this will help with the next partner if there maybe one. Cause he might feel those overall emotions but at least he knows what he's is getting into. Also, I conclude he will know just like anyone else who crosses my path. Why am I so guarded and I believe such a statement holds so much truth. No man is ever a man complete without his bitch! Meaning, you are nothing without your fucking partner. Period!
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