EFFORT, WAS IT WORTH IT? ( THE END OF AN ERA)

You see, "addiction" is a human trait, everyone who has "wants" has addictions, the difference between these addictions is some are socially acceptable, and some are not. (James Jamesson)





I do agree with this concept. James hit the nail on the head. The difference is, I'm more UPFRONT about my issues. He has an image to live up to. He will not be able to speak in depth about everything that he might like. Not to mention, being a representive for any company that hires him. It's is hard for some poeple to read others. PERCEPTION! Not saying, it's awful. It just sometimes he has to think for his career. Yet, also his lifestyle. Just like anyone else.







I decide to let everything go. I say, go ahead protray me as a drug addict, depict me as this horrible person. Represent me as what anyone else can say, but forbid if I have the proof behind it. Showing people and people alone, made me this way as well. Why can't anyone take there own responablity? It's every man for themselves, right?. I understand that, but that isn't the issue anymore! THERE IS A PRICE FOR EVERYTHING. When it comes to having people in Life. Money. Marriage. Careers. Etc. Well, I say, let this be the fee. With 100 precent interest!








Like I said before. I smoked the pipe. I DON"T OWN A PIPE! NEVER DID! NOR HAVE A SOURCE. BUT YET, HERE I AM BEING PUSHED AND PROTRAYED AS A BIG DRUG ADDICT. I MEAN, Also METHADONE!!!! SO I FIGURED, IF THATS THE WAY PEOPLE WANT TO PLAY IT. LETS OWN UP TO IT AND SHOW THEM WHAT I REALLY HAVE DONE. Which is nothing compared to most. I have seen and been on websites, that are the unmentionables to others standards. I say, how does one comprehend such. If they have not gone through similar. Then allowed to make a choices for oneself. Or whoever is in those surroundings of there very own life. To decide what is morally wrong in there own lifestyle, and what is sensibly right. Fact of the matter is that ADDICTION is another word for DEPEDENCY.






In which, we as a human society / community. Are all depended on something or someone. Example. Money! We are all depended on money, right? Money makes the world go round, right? I guess that would make majority of people, MONEY ADDICTS! As stupid as that sounds. Forbid that pedantic outlook which holds true. You need that
currency to survive. People are dependent on funds wether they know it or not. It's the same as humans. We are all dependent on each other. We need others to live, to teach us. Give us work. ETC. Or we will become the lower primates and most likely perish, sooner then later. Remember though, their are such principles of behavior to every lifestyle and family atmostphere, sweethearts. You just have to make the choices and be able to DEAL with whatever the conclusions maybe. Hasn't the Repression, taught people anything?







I'm expecting a lot of oral punishment by many. Like, I haven't gotten far more then enough! Although, I have this knowledge to be able to aruge and understand. RATIONALIZE. For my actions and the reactions! A lot of humans can not do this! I am conflicted, but I can at least, amitt to it. That's why most people are bothered by me. Even the attempt to consider, offends most. Everyone wants to be in the right but no one wants want to be in the wrong. That is the issue here as well! You can't keep blaming someone for the wrong over and over again.







http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addiction


See also: Substance dependence (drug addiction) and Behavioral addiction



Historically, addiction has been defined as physical and psychological dependence on psychoactive substances (for example alcohol, tobacco, heroin and other drugs) which cross the blood-brain barrier once ingested, temporarily altering the chemical milieu of the brain.

Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it. Pleasure and enjoyment would have originally been sought; however, over a period of time involvement with the substance or activity is needed to feel normal.[1] Some psychology professionals and many laymen now mean 'addiction' to include abnormal psychological dependency on such things as gambling, food, sex, pornography, computers, internet, work, exercise, idolizing, watching TV or certain types of non-pornographic videos, spiritual obsession, self-injury and shopping.[2][3][4][5]

The American Society of Addiction Medicine has this definition for Addiction:


Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in the individual pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. The addiction is characterized by impairment in behavioral control, craving, inability to consistently abstain, and diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships. Like other chronic diseases, addiction can involve cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.








I mention, "I dispise Domestic Violence for any human being. But as a last resort, sometimes, it's justly!"







With the matter of Cliff and I. That's where I take this statement to heart. For the second case at 915 Kensington Ave. Well, in that situation. Yes, I did go off. I felt and knew where I was at fault. Though, they were trying to push me out. As well, my limits. They made a choice. I don't think people understand what they get themselves into. There might be good intentions in the beginning. In the future though, it takes a toll. You either, work threw the problem / issue at hand. Or do like most people and jump ship. There was only so much I could have done. In my position. It was sort of like a concept of a marriage. I mean, hello. I stayed with them for almost five years! ( Cooking, cleaning, Etc. They bailed me out for 25 thousand dollars. I felt obligated! )










The points below are the basics to Domestic Violence. There also the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project. Might be a bit to late for me but this can as well help someone else. I read, that threating to throw someone out and making them homeless is considerd domestic abuse. That fact is. Also, my opinion. There is always some abuse / problems in every relationship. It just if both parties are willing to understand, respect, and are willing to fix it.( Also, how much can they take! Mentally, physically, and emotionally. ) THIS TAKES TIME....A LONG LENGTHY DURATION.





No one deserves to be abused.




Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.




Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion.




Abuse often occurs and is most dangerous when one partner in a relationship seeks to leave.




The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.




The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do.




A pattern of violence or behaviors exists where one seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of their intimate partner, or to punish their partner for resisting their control. This may been seen as physical or sexual violence, or emotional and verbal abuse.





http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/gay.shtml

http://gmdvp.org/









Fact is, they could not handle it anymore. One can say, I couldn't either. It's a lot of bullshit that I have on my plate. More so, when the issues bleed onto someone else. People need to take that concrete existence of what you are getting yourself into. Be able to take accountablity for yourself and those actions. Also, what you don't put into it. Besides, anyone else that may be accounted for. It's alot think about, KNOWING IT JUST NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU! Some once told me that humanity is shit. That it is overrated. Yet, this was from a bitter old queen, who lived life and wasn't content with himself or his lifestyle which he established. I learned from him but did NOT want to become him. That's why we clashed. Set in his old ways, I defining ways and being able to have some ADAPTATION.







I aruge, that concept of of age is nothing more so then a number. It's the mentally. What the persons have been threw that can make a couple / group work. What they see as eye to eye. Make there packs. There own rules. Not saying that couple / groups maybe in love. There is though a understanding and a profound respect. The old saying goes from Mrs. Jackie O herself. “The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.” Well, legally. I did not marry. It sure felt like a two marriages though! Not to mention, the years I put into it!








You see, we are coming to an end of an era. Where you have to be up front. Reputation is easy to demolish.( Unless, that is what the person wants! So they can start a new! ) This we all know but, most of us do not want to agknowledge. Once you are set, in one lifestyle, one extent. Just know how to conduct yourself in that area, that time, that moral code. That's where you can make the decision, wether if you can stay, or just suck it up for awhile. To tolerate it. In order, to be human. To be that humanitarian. You have to be both, cruel and kind. Also, be able to have the concept of that. To endure that notion. Know where your boundards are. To be able to do that. You have to be able to live your twenties. You are allowed to your mental state, the first emotion is usually the legitimate. (The fine print, though.) It's just don't act on your emotions, right away!








Applying the above paragraphy to one person. WOW! Think when it comes to someone else. Lovers, friends, Kids, ETC. For I to be this way. I believe you have go threw the humane and imhumane. Stick to what you know, but willing to listen to someone's advice. Appreciate where they are coming from. Being opened minded. I should be able to move on to the next chapter. In my low rent life without anyone or anything in my past coming back to haunt me. You see, this is a growing up process. MY GROWING UP PROCESS! To be able to understand the concept but respect it as well. Conforming to what I felt was right! Not to mention, having others understand it as well. Of course, it is their choice for them to respect that. Don't like it, TAKE A FUCKING WALK! The Metaphorical line has been drawn.







As I said before, remember these are just aspects of my life. Not full story. There are just some things in life which we do not TALK about or want to as well! I still have those trying periods. Where I still manipuate and angle what I have to say. It's is just socially tolerable, everyone does this. Just others are not so blunt. Once I'm able to finish what I have to say. Then I can close my mouth and be able to past the low rent scepter to someone else.








To get off the thrown, to extent this low rent legacy. It is very doubtful that you find people being so honest, because they have their own intentions behind it. It has to favor them. For me, this all I have. This has been my reward, therapy, closure. My everything. This is what I have to pass down. My knowledge of my twenties, the teens, and childhood years. To hope to live comfortable for awhile. Knowing I did what I could. Made every effort. My past if it does come back. I will be expecting it and it will not knock me off guard. My morals are askew a bit, to certain indiviuals. That is because, I had to under go life's many termoils that those people did not want to conceive. By my own choice or not. Then to be able to adapt. I know, I exhausted all other options. I push my ablities to a known end. May not seem like much to someone but thats how you know when someone is telling the truth. They have "THAT" drive. Passion. Ambition. SOME FUCKING EFFORT!









I don't see these three people trying to make a difference. The only thing I saw was others trying to save their own ass. As pathetic as this blog maybe, as simple minded. As lonesome, it is effort behind this. Thats stand out the most. The conviction, but also the rationalization. Or at least, emotional attempt. The concept, "No guts, No glory!" comes to mind. The psychology dysfunctional damage is absurd. My mother used to say, when she did strike me as a kid. "You think that is abuse!" Abuse is when you have welts on your back and bleeding all over the place, that is abuse!" Well, I guess I proved that theory wrong, didn't I. WOW! I am amazed. If you would have told me at sixteen. This was who I was going to become. I would have laughed right at you. I remember, The label of being. Hearing people saying, Oh great, here comes trouble! The problem, they didn't understand is that they ingaged it. To make a problem / conflict, one party has to have an issue with the other party! There has to be two Opposing views. I hope something I say sticks to someone's head. Thinking for one second. Even if they have doubt. To what I have to say. Questionting the logic behind it. I know I have done my part.









At the end of my twenties, I can honestly say. I have built my stable foundation of life, my standards, my opinions, my system of beliefs. ETC. This is the end of MY ERA! This period of MY L.I.F.E. LONG ILLED FATELESS ERAS. I have losted everything, Sacrifice everything. Just to be like this. To follow threw this, to live this stanrdard, to which I see fit. Adapted to its social standards, and still make people go. WHOA! I hope I can now pick a lifestyle which I will be able to be comfortable. But also, someone will be able to pick me as well! To have that choice and no one too much control it.








Now, I remember stating that I would be talking about "Hospital Records Vol. 4" and "Jail Records". Well, things change! Instead of telling everything about the records and stating the obvious. Skip all that. My process, blew hard because I had to do this alone. Also, without much memory. I could remember my name and my address. Asked me where my adoptive father worked. Street, or location. I would go blank. Phone numbers were jummbled. I wasn't dumbfounded, it just the little details were wrong. It was diffcult to recuperate from something like that. Actually, it was a bitch!








Example. The couple I was staying with at 915 Kensington Ave, didn't know where I was at till about 2 weeks later. The letters I was sent were to 905 Kensington Ave. I had about 5 - 6 letters come back to me. All at one time. It was easy getting a hold of my mother. Right? No, it took me 5 days to find somebody that knew where my adoptive father worked and give me an address to that company. Found out from a "bunkie". I'm getting to ahead of myself. My processing, my strip search, took some time. Instead of going to the B pod, which is an overcrowded waiting area.(3 men to 1 cell) I was placed in the medical ward. I was on observation. For obvious reasons. Carrying a conversation, going into the general population of men. Being Miss Congenality of the Corrections? I don't think so! One Correction Officer, "CO" called us. Lower primates.











I was going to awake from this hallucination, right? The medical ward had two small wings. One for the insane. The other wing for those who were ill, and needed to be quarantine. I had to be honest with my answers to the best of my ability when talking to the intake worker. I think they got bewilderd with what I had to say. Meth and Methadone. It happens. The confusion. Of course, it's things like that which can screw up a lot of shit. Being on watch the workers were waiting for me to suffer from withdrawls. Nothing of the sorts. I remember reading such computer generated signage. " This isn't Burger King. You can not have it your way. Or even right away. Your way got you here!" That saying still makes me chuckle to this day. You have to see the humor in that. It's the only way to get threw the processing.








Another thing that plays in my head. Were two scenes that I found inspirational for myself. Double Jeopardy, with Ashley Judd. Funny, as it may seem. Roma Mafia, giving legal advice. Was one of those, empowering momments. "Your in prison. No wants to listen to anyone in prison! ( Cut some parts ) So you want my advice, you do your time!" I did the crime, I knew it but I had every valid reason to do it. This is before I could confirm. I just had to get my head right. Another scene, is with the chacter of Evelyn ( Davenia McFadden ) yelling out with a cig in the hand. " I have to hand it to you honey! It's just shear hate driving you on!" I'm sorry, but my story was not just an act. No one really understood the other side of why? To explain it, and to go threw it. To really see threw it, as well. All those repressed memories.








I knew, MY PROBLEMS WERE NOT INSIDE THAT JAIL, THEY WERE OUTSIDE THAT FACILITY! There was only one way to go about this. To get back out there. Then get my closure. I could put up with a lot of shit in my life but there is a PRICE TAG for my LOYALTY! I knew there was something up. I felt it. It was time to let my crazy out, once that came out. Well you could see threw the crybaby story on cryspace. Manifest into something bigger. This is what happens with time. I sat in my jail cell trying to collect my sanity. Trying to make sense of the complex thoughts that plagued me.








I when in B pod, I wrote self help therapy letters. I only shared to myself. 10 different anger letters. Before I even sent one out to my adoptive father. Which was much nicer. I told him not to tell my mother because I will get myself out. As you can see, that didn't work. Gave her away, as well. This was her chance and she blew it. The catch is one the first few paragraphs in her hand written letter. "We didn't leave you, you left us!" Which PISSED ME OFF! I knew that wasn't true. Only few knew that wasn't true either. I wrote more letters to other people. People that were in Cliff's and I's social circle. Trying to be at least the bigger man but still bititng my tounge. I tried to seeing others views. I even wrote one for the Harbour Club Association.








I also statred writng a journal inside the jail. Keeping records of what was happening. Just for myself. To remind me of those time. What I had to go through and why I pushed myself to go through all of this. The journal, was my very rough copy to a book, which started to grow. I had to stay in B pod and listening to a 42 year old black man. Pathological liar, talk about his girlfriend. Whom set him up. Another cell mate name "P" was in for robbery. His bail 125 thounsad dollars, I sat there on the floor. On a plastic bunk because of over crowding. Smelling piss and mold. Spider webs on the floor and in the conners. Trying to consider how was I going to obtain information. Writing on a peices of paper. What I could remember. At nights, I could hear that guy complain. Finally, someone had enough. Another momment.








"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Our cell mate "P" cried out. " Yo man, take a look at Alex down there. Boi can't even remember his own fucking phone number and doesn't have any friends or family to help him out. No support there and you don't see him crying like a bitch! He's in his 20's. YOUR A GROWN FUCKING MAN!" Talk about being under the spotlight. How I really wanted to cry like a bitch, though. Maybe I held my composure because I had to do it in front of a hospital camera. That is the one of the reason why I say, This is for the low rent. Don't you think men like that could use this as an example? Not me as a template, just that event. Anyway, no matter here.







I remember around 1am. One night where two CO's brought in a someone. You could tell, he came from those neighborhoods where you have to be thicked skinned. To my suprized. When the officers tried to escort him to the cell. " Nah, nah, nah, nah! I ain't gonna in there! Fuck that ! I'm staying, right here! Fuck that shit." (By now your mind should have said, wrong move!) Not even a second later of trying to push away from the two officers. Also, not listening to the officers crys to sit down on the floor. Four more CO's rushed in and started to beat down the unruly inmate. I watched not in terror or shock but a abstruse haze. Watching the inmates face being smashed into the ground. The other officers holding him down. The screaming and fighting. Other lower primates awoke and started to shout out, "Police brutality!" Another shouted out "Someone get the chicken suit!" It was all most like being in grade school.









The reason why the lower primate flipped his shit. Was because he was a Crypt and the two men that were in the cell, were Bloods. (As rumor has it! Cell block gossip, What! Even in jail they have there water cooler station!) I happen to find this out, the next morning. There's a lot of hustle and bustle, with overcrowding jails. In this institution. B Pod lets you out for an hour. Eat, and shower. If your duration is longer then two weeks. D pod, Nicer quaters. Able to walk around. Watch TV. Go to Rec. or the library. It's like, grounds privileges. As long as you don't screw up.









Now, what is a chicken suit? Well a chicken suit is a yellow shear cotton rippable fabric. That most inmates wear if they are suicidal and try to harm themselves while in jail. The inmate can not hang themseleves with this fabric. I kept this in mind because of the certain time. I went to the the medical ward for a boil. Oh those were a bitch, but what was really an eye opener. Was to see a grown black man rip his chicken suit off. Wrap it around his neck in the metal ward cell and scream out in front of all. "I'm Superman!"











Now this is rediclious, this guy was 30 years old behaving like a 5 year old. Which might be cute then. Some would say the guy was doing this for attention, or just to get his own cell. What proved to me he need mental attention. Was the way he climb the bunk bed, to the top. Lunged off, falling flat onto the cemment floor naked. After the 5th time, with 15mins. My balls seized up and started to hurt! Doing it for attention or not. He may have not been superman, but hitting the cement ground that hard. He must have been a man of steel and most people say I'm crazy, HA!









When I came back from my trip to family court. The final restraing order being processed. I had been moved from B pod to another cell in the same pod. I would hear the talk, for trading. You would save food and trade it for someothing else. An inmate who could pass for a young Chris Rock, with mini dreads. Shouting out, "Yo, yo, cookies for juice!" Thinking about makes me giggle too. Right there, I understood that nickname. Lower primates. We were not judge yet, but we were going to be. No matter what we did. We were going to be societies scum for awhile. If not already. I need to mention that hidden meaning of respect, as well. You could tell the big leagues gang members vs the first year ones. One inmate replied to me. "You wouldn't see this in prison. Bloods and Crypts, playing together. Like their jummping rope or playing hop scotch!" I had to agree with the metaphor. You could tell. It's in the eyes. Not trying to sound spooky, or Psych out someone. You have to be preceptive.







Latin Kings and Queens of America, N.E.T.A., Bloods, Crypts. MS - 13. There is a hidden meaning of understanding that goes agknowledged. Some know this, other do not. To say that I was approached, for a gang. Was not said directly. It was more so asked within a favor. A lot knew what was going on with my situation but they also knew I was telling the truth why I did it. The only thing I had to say though was no to the favor, and that was that. As long as you don't cause trouble, you will be fine. One story that will stay in my mind. Is a 17 teen year old boy. Got put into B pod holding area. As rumors go. As they always do. He was suppose to have taken the rap for his brother who was a Latin King. The brother shot someone. Since his younger brother was a minor. Well, you get the picture. Don't know if that story is true.








This is what I know and saw. Ever see the original Halloween. LOL The Dr. Loomis momlouge when he discribes Michael Myers. Well, it was just want I was thinking when I looked at this kids eyes. The blank face, full of rage. There was no way to describe this kid but pissed and crazied. This 17 teen year old who had his life set. Put the saying, "If looks can kill!" Into effect. How serious I think this kid was. Well. If the CO's threw a doverman pincher into cell, that had not been fed for a day or so. The kid would win 10 to 1. I think about that 17 year old time and time again. That is one story. I wish was not true. As well as the rumors. Content endding, I hope so.








I got transfered to D pod, which is cleaner. I watched from the windows, at night. Men throwing gang signs to each other. From one pod to another. My new cell mate, a guy that has been to prison for armed robber. Was now in jail. Waiting. I got library privileges, unlike when in B pod where I had to send out for materials. I got maybe two books. Which were irrealvant to the nature of what I requested. It keeped me occupied. Forced to read them out of boredom. It was that or nothing.








You see, when I was in jail. I could fall back and take orders. It not like I didn't understand them, nor that they were unfavorible either. i was there for a reason. The fact of the matter, even though it was lonely and I felt peeks of helplessness. By keeping myself occupied. It killed the time. Not like there wre "groups" to help us lower primates. At least not to my knowledge. The severity of the matter. I had an Aggravated assault which was about ten years prison time alone. Plus four other charges which were about 5 years all together. If found guilty of all five.









What's priceless. My bail was really 50 thousnda dollars, with no 10%. By the time the couple got to me. A week or so later. It would have been my time to face the judge. To lower my bail. I told them wait, might as well stick it threw for couple more days, so the bail can set at a lower amount. 25 thousand dollars with 10 %. Now if that doesn't scream out I'm taking advange of people I don't know what does. That was joke. It's not my nature to take advatage of anyone. When I need a favor to be cashed in, believe me I will call someone for that favor. I hardly ever ask though. When I was finally let go, "bailed out". After those 38 days in that instution. I remember saying to my bunkie at the time. " Hope to never see you again!" The way that i said that, was not in a harsh way, but more so an endear manner. The other guy knew that as well. I knew the problems were bigger then me. What I was facing, was now. Not to prove. Yet, own up little by little too. To the issues that were true. Also, the ones that were not. To set the record straight. This was my chance. This was the last 5 years of my life. Which I would have to own up too.









"At 30, a man should know himself like the palm of his hand. Know the exact number of his defects and qualities, know how far he can go, foretell his failures, be what he is, and above all. Accept these things!" (Albert Camus)








I say this not out of spite or thinking that I'm any better, because after looking at this. I am indeed not! I do know, there are a whole worst off beings that could not use me as example but the examples of what I went through. My dumb naive ways, I have learn this. The best way to get back at someone is to tell the truth about them, but make sure that they suffer from it. If they are prone to it then don't bother. With all this time has pasted. There is nothing else left but the truth, and as ridicliuos as it is. That's what makes it more believable.










There was this falsehood to my life in which, I felt like I didn't fit into. It just wasn't enough and I was unhappy about it. Not to mention, this took all this time to understand that concept. Many others feel the same way. In my opinion. Really what it comes down to, Is I had to completely destory what was left of my life in order to obtain a new one. Which didn't work for me. I destory whatver was left of my past. That I did and didn't know in order, to obtain a different outlook for my future. However small it maybe. I know now I can walk away. Having learned, choosing what I needed from it, and hoping I can leave the rest behind. Being able to create something new for me and MY FUTURE.












What I have lost in my life. Was security, money, the blanket, saftey, family friends, etc. What I gained is A preception. Rationality, Adaptabilty, Knowledge, Dignity, Loyalty, which some can aruge that is misguided. For myself and anyone else in my life if they feel I am worth there time. Which is now much to ask from anyone. You have to know yourself but as well as others. That comes with time and lessons. So as I stated before, "IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?" Well having come to the end of my twenties's. The end of my era. "WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?"









I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA......BUT IT WAS ONE HELL OF A "FUCKING LOW RENT RIDE!"






THE END




Good luck to all on your epoch ventrues. I will be placing the rest of D&D Aspects, with the coming days.