Schooling Records / Trashy Formulas

I have been concentrating all my energy on bartending school. FYI, I got and 85% on my written exam and a 19 out of 21 out of my pour test. Happy? Yes. It's not much but at least I have something under my belt. Back to the main objective, this blog. I always have a qoute to begin or end these blogs. Some doctrine that I got from philosophers, films, culture. ETC. ETC. ETC. This quote comes from, Dolores Claiborne. A movie that I don't compare myself to. I asked for a copy of this book at my abhorrent halt at middlesex county adult correction center. We will get more into my stay later. Ridiculous as it may sound, someone got me a copy. The cover torned off but still in good condition. I was looking for this specific entity. " Sometimes you have to be a high ridding bitch to survive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a women has to hold onto!" Last time, I checked. I still had a dick. So as I do with most qoutes and comments. I take it. Let it work for me, and leave the rest behind. "Sometimes you have to be a high ridding bitch to surive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a cocksucker has to hold onto!" Thank you, Stephen King. Thank you.



First, of all. I said something about a plan. Which was to get these three people to put there foot in there mouths. Also, knowing that Cliff, John, and my mother. Would not take it to court. They had there chance before. Even with the last blog. They could have sued. It's been over three years now. I'm going to post the transcript from Howell township court. From the first time, I had the mental break at my parents place. I had to take the charges for my responsibility but the factor that gets to me. Is it went to Monmouth County Superior Court, first! Then got knocked down to Howell township court. Which my mother never even showed up for. A waste of tax payers money, in my personal opinion. I had to take a guilty plea for criminal mischief and breach of peace. I heard the excuse before that "someone" felt sorry for me. That's the reason why they didn't press charges. HELLO, CHARGES WERE ALREADY PRESSED. By the state and township.



Anyway, If this was true. Don't you think someone would have been by my bed side at the many hospitals. Make a genuine attempt to be sympathic. Some sort of authentic human compassion. Like I did. I guess, that was too much to ask for. BE THE BIGGER MAN, as most people told me I should be. To be honest, I didn't know what was really going on at the time. I was still naive. It not an excuse, but it is good reasoning. I took the plea and did what I had to do. Before, I go more into this drama. I'm going to imply something else that came to my realization.



SIGNS. I don't mean the movie. In which, most people saw but either didn't do anything about it, or could not do anything about. This blog here. This entry will show at least some of those signs. Not to point out actuations or to say that they are fully to blame. It just to state the obvious. I am to blame for my own naive actions in which I didn't understand or didn't want to understand. This is the groing up process in which was slowed down. Prolonged. Or even stunted. Two articles, and there web links are posted on this blog. To help prove my theroy, which is coming into question. It is, what it is. One student from bartending school used to say as her motto. No one can say, I'm not fucking trying.



Emotional Trauma and Memory Loss

Emotional or psychological trauma can also affect your memory. Memory loss is a natural survival skill and defense mechanism humans develop to protect themselves from psychological damage. Violence, sexual abuse and other emotionally traumatic events can lead to dissociative amnesia, which helps a person cope by allowing them to temporarily forget details of the event. A person will often suppress memories of a traumatic event until they are ready to handle them, which may never occur.

Emotional trauma can also lead to post-traumatic stress disorder, which can manifest itself in different ways including flashbacks of the event and intrusive, unwanted thoughts about the trauma.

To read the whole article, here is the web address.

http://www.casapalmera.com/articles/how-trauma-affects-your-memory/



Effects on Middle and High School Students

These students exposed to a traumatic event feel self-conscious about their emotional responses to the event. They often experience feelings of shame and guilt about the traumatic event and may express fantasies about revenge and retribution. A traumatic event for adolescents may foster a radical shift in the way these students think about the world. Some of these adolescents may begin to engage in self-destructive or accident-prone behaviors, and reckless behaviors. There may be a shift in their interpersonal relationships with family members, teachers, and classmates. These students may show a change in their school performance, attendance, and behavior.



Variations among Students

In spite of our ability to predict general responses to trauma depending on age and developmental level, there is still tremendous variability among students regarding post-traumatic symptoms and the extent to which learning and school behavior may be disrupted. The variety of individual responses to trauma is related to many factors, including a student?s prior history of trauma or loss, prior or current mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, or behavior problems, and individual differences in temperament.



Effects of Trauma on the Ability to Learn

A traumatic event can seriously interrupt the school routine and the processes of teaching and learning. There are usually high levels of emotional upset, potential for disruptive behavior, or loss of student attendance unless efforts are made to reach out to students and staff with additional information and services. Students traumatized by exposure to violence have been shown to have lower grade point averages, more negative remarks in their cumulative records, and more reported absences from school than other students. They may have increased difficulties concentrating and learning at school and may engage in unusually reckless or aggressive behavior. Click here for a vignette on the way a single event affected three students differently.

The involvement of the school is critical in supporting students through the emotional and physical challenges they may face following an exposure to a traumatic event. Click here for information on Readiness, Response, and Recovery.

To read the whole artricle, go to this web address.

http://www.nctsnet.org/resources/audiences/school-personnel/effects-of-trauma




For school records, I will be posting my education. Elementary, Middle, and High school records. Even my trade school records. Not to show what a great student I was. To indicate, the drop. From those great A's, B's, and C's to D's and F's. A parents worst nightmare to some. Here some insight that few did know and most did not.



Rose A Galvin school, I would find myself sitting on the blacktop. In the conner. The colossal metal chain link fence looming over me. Gazing out into the hectic noise filled street, during recess. Just wondering and watching. A social behavior that is common for troubled youths, such like myself. I did have my few childhood friends, here and there. I was a odd ball kid. I get into a fights. I ran away a couple times. I even set fire to a waste paper basket. Playing with matches. Yeah..I was that kid. Yes, gave my mother, her family, and anyone else something to worry about. I could even write about how many people fondled with my dick. TMI? Honey, you don't even know the half of it. Though, not pissed about that. Who gives a shit. What I am trying to imply here, is the signs. What more can I say?




When the family and I moved to Jackson Nj, started out in a new school. H.C. Johnson elementary school. Then, C.W. Goetz Middle school. As for my gardes, they were not so bad. I still ran away from this household. Gee, I wonder why? Signs were there. I can bitch and complain about when I had kids picking on me. Or the first time, I heard someone call me a fag. The many of times I had chewing gum thrown into my hair. Or when being spit upon by other kids. That was public school for you. A way to deal with life and how to grow.




The biggest sign was the radical drop when it came to high school. As I said before, high school was a bitch for anyone who has ever attended. No matter who you are. I don't blame the school system. Nor do I blame my parents or anyone else. We were all learning. Not to mention dealing with other issues in our lives. We all just had to deal with it. There were times I would find my locker cleaned out. Only my school books were there. Placed in the order that I went to class. The many whispers and not to mention remarks. When I got jumpped. (Knew it was going to happen sooner or later.) I went to work right afterwards. Well, after the cops taking the statements and then getting checked out by the doctor. Long story, short I was sent home. Even though, the walk to work was about an hour. Back and forth. I'm not trying to whine here, I'm saying. Keep going. Suck it up, mother fucker. Suck it up.



Anyone who knows this drill. Knows what I am talking about. Tredding around the school with black and blue bruises. Going to work where kids from school banged on the grocery store window and laughed. The jumping wasn't really a gay bashing but the intention was. It happens. Some silly rumor that someone said I mention. I rememeber, one day these two muscle queens came rushing into the Doley's thriftway where I worked as a cashier. A good looking couple who moved from NY to the Regency Club apartemnts. They used to come by once it awhile. The bigger one used to do some harmless flirting. When they heard, they came by. They would not leave. Another guy stared making fun of me and before I could even turn around this muscle queen ran out and scared the shit out of him. When I got off work that night. They were there to take me home. They pleaed with me to get in the car. Now, I said this before, in the old insane blog. Bravery and stupidy walk hand and hand. Here was one of those moments. I told them, "If I don't walk home and stick to my routine, they'll win!"



Nothing happend, nothing was taken to court. We ended moving to the next town over. New school again, and things died down a bit. I did have a few friends who helped. Try to get info at centers, or give me a bit of gay culture at that time. If you had not noticed already my family situation was well, going down hill. I blamed myself, for bring these problems thought. In a way, I did bring this on myself. Anyway, I could go on more but were rounding to the last two years of my high school life. At Freehold township. This is where the first mental break got really out of hand. The hospital records, I will put up later. Which I will hint, there were no drugs involed. Even though, I wish there fucking was.




After my mental fip out, I had to turn myself in to the police. Stay with friends for awhile. I had to quit both jobs that I was working because my mother told everyone about how horrible of a kid I was. Not to mention, it was taken to Monmouth County Superior Court. Everything was happening so fast. I remember a girlfriend of mine that I went to school with was there. Hence, more fucking talk. My senior year, started well. It was great. Like when, I was pulled out of middle of english class in front of everyone, to be summons by the cops. What the hell was that. Some old scared straight bullshit.




My last year of high school was pretty much sugar coated. I told people, to vote me for porm queen, instead of prom king. I showed up with my boyfriend sugar daddy...what ever anyone may want to call it. Everyone knew, my life was well going to be ... SHIT but I stayed in that bubble. Sepressing each memeory so I could live on each day. Hence the article , how trauma affects your memeory. I remember, when I walked into the bathrrom. A guy from a click that I never chatted with was taking a leak. I walked in, started to wash my hands. I felt the moment of dread, waiting for him to say something. What cunty come back will I have to say now, ran threw my head. When I was done, I heard him speak. How do you do it? Not what I was expecting. Huh? was my reply. Looking at him, I saw something different in his behavior. How do you do it? I though for a moment, my reply. I don't know, I just do.



There are alot more problems from my school years which I do not want to share, but like I said I'm writting this to show some signs. We all had are bad times. Some people are not to blame as more then others. They didn't understand at that time. Maybe the articles will help, or it might just help me cope. There were just somethings and issues I could not take the blame for. There is one thing, I can't wait to be apart of the Antidepressant taking nation, because this shit sucks.


Lets jump off this subject matter and into another. A few "Words" that most people use as a credo, to ones own self. Yet, I don't think they fully conceive. Which takes a endurance of considration. Stating these words, wanted these notions. Can make a person a HYPOCRITE. Even such a person like myself but as humans we all are. Showing one side of ourselves, and not the other. Example, your work life compared to your home life. Being one personality, and then another. Most people want Loyalty, Respect, Honesty, Trust, but forget the price that comes with it. Manipulation, Power, Control, Dishonesty. You can't have one without the other. This lies in the person, making those choices of what they are willing to Sacrifice . For what they hope will be a better outcome for themselves and what they covent and pride on.


http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrite



http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/credo




With the three people that I knew so well. Here are some of there sayings that stuck. Which I made it work for me. A talent that I have become so accustom too. As general as this may sound, it still affects me till this day.


The many sayings of Cliff Mulkey



1. It's my way or the highway!

My comment, Looks like someone didn't get his way.

2.It's the truth mixed with lies.

My comment, Yeah, until you have put the truth in to action.

3. Legend in his own little mind.

My comment, Someone has been watching to much fucking "Jawbreaker". Do I look like Julie Benz to you?

4. I'm a wed lock child too. You see here in this magazine. This guy I think he my twin.

My comment, none at this point.

5.You play, you pay.

My comment. I guess this blog would be the payment.

6. Incest in all realivtive.

My comment. Guess it takes one to know one right.

7. I want my LIFE back.

My comment. I WANT MY FUCKING YOUTH BACK!

8. Give them enough rope, they hang themselves.

My comment. Well, look who's hanging now. A victim of his own white trash philosophy.



The many sayings of John Halm



1. I'm going to sue for defamation of character.

My comment, This coming from the same person that proclaims how many lawsuits he has going on. But yet, nothing ever happens.

2. I like them young, dumb, and full of cum.

My comment, A motto that Cliff like to say as well but both agreed and joked about. ( Rolling eyes )

3. I have ties to the mob.

My comment, none what so ever. ( Rolling eyes, again! )

4. He's an escort.

My comment, This coming from a man that every boyfriend he had. Was an escort. Someone should really then take a good look at himself and ask why every man he's been with, was an escort.

5. He's a troll whore. ( Meaning Me.)

My comment, He's a home wrecking, walking pharmacy, drunk, pretentious, superficial, sociopathic, faggot ass, old whore. I'm just saying.


The next few sayings are from the police statements, picture down below.

6. Q you just learned his last name now?
A yeah i did.
Q How long have you been acquainted with them?
A I've been friends with cliff since 1989, around 1990, yeah.
Q how long have you know alex?
A the same time that cliff met him. How long ago, I don't know how long it's been.
Q And he's a roommate of cliff's i take it?
A Uh, he had no place to live and cliff took him in.
Q Alright.
A. We're all friends.

My comment. Would have been nice that he told the cops that Cliff and him were fucking too. But that was info everyone knew, even me.

7. Q do you have any idea why he was doing this to clifford?
A I'm not, this kid is a, a, believe he's a con artist, a BS-er, and he's been taking advantage of cliff's good nature, and he wouldn't leave his home and he's been a disaster for a long time. Just that cliff's a nice guy, you know, but what are you going to do. Try to tell him and get rid of him. But.

My comment...Put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel?

8. Q Alright. Is there anything you'd like to add to this statement?
A UM, 50 YEARS IN JAIL WOULD BE NICE!

My comment..Jail for 50 years, I guess he doesn't know that jail and prison are two different things but as my Public defender said after reading this aloud to me. " What a peice of work!"

9. Accidents will happen. You should get some life insurance.

My comment, SHADY BITCH. This saying was stated. When I sat in his car with him and Cliff. As I told them about the story a few days back when my gas pedal got stuck to the floor and flew down 287, going almost 90 miles per hour. The car Cliff fixed. He was the only one who worked on my cars too. Yes cars, this was not the first time this had happened. Must be a bad auto tech.



Now, somethings I do remember from my great mother of mine. These will always stick in my head now.

The many sayings of Marliyn Blodgett

1. Never put your drink down and walk away.

My comment. Thanks for the common sense tip.

2. I been treated worst by better fucking people.

My comment .. What a great gay come back.

3.Act your AGE, not your mother fucking shoe size.

My comment, I wish these 3 people who were so influential took this peice of advice.

4. The only thing you are good for is for sex. So you better learn how to cook.

My comment, well I'm off the chart nuts. Total kinky freak in bed. I think. ( Crazy bitch sex is the best! So I heard!) I cook okay as for comfort foods and bake a lot. Rachel Gay, I like to call myself. And I'm trying to get this insane blog published. Hell that one more then what my mother though I should be doing. GOALS.. GOALS.. GOALS!!!!! Nothing like setting the bar so high.

6. Show me who your friends are and I will tell you exactly who you are.

My comment. What happens when you have no friends. Then who are you really?

I think I said a mouthful of all sayings that were so inspiring to me. Really inspiring. That would be Sarcasm again. I'm going to leave this last saying for the over all. My mother use to say this all the time. I think anyone can relate but for those three, I hope they really take this to heart.

7. First time shame on you, second time shame on me!

My comment, First time shame on me...SECOND TIME ... SHAME ON YOU!

Faultline and Jackson Police Reports

There is an article down below that shows some key points about Adjustment disorder. This has been stated many of times as waste basket diagnosis. "DECLARATION OF INTEREST" and "LOOSE DEFINITION" have some rather fine points though. Some people might think I was suffering from a "Jan Brady Complex". "Marcia, Marcia, MARCIA!" Since I do have an older step sister and a younger sister. That is not the case here. In my opinion, it was "Norman Bates Syndrome". Without the motel. Think Anthony Perkins shouting out. "MOTHER!" Don't take any showers when I'm present. Please see humor in this. I do. Now, if I know this is hysterically gay. Which in a way, it is. Then I know, I'll be fine. Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional but I'll be fine. Another joke here.






Back to the editorial / article, please read it threw first. So you know what I am bitching about. The, "DECLARATION OF INTEREST" and "LOOSE DEFINITION" will point out that anyone who suffers from this scrutiny, will return to a sense of normalcy with a small duration of time. Read, " ACADEMIC NEGLECT ". What I see here, no one really gave a shit about this subject matter. Reason why, my opinion. You can't make much money off this disorder, when it's up to the person to get over it spontaneously. Look how many publications have been made in the last twenty five years. What I find really odd. Is the, "SYNTHESIS". That the answer lies in those who have suffered and moved on from such the disorder.






In the, Police reports from Jackson, NJ. I was already out in the open. Not to mention the Eddie Warner and Sam Manzie controversy. I do have to say one thing. It was a bad time to be an out kid. The tension sucked but this go's for anybody. Or who anyone who even heard about it. To those who were apart of it. My sympathises for even mentioning this horrible ordeal.



http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,987156,00.html



Teenage years are pretty much a living hell for anyone. We all had to deal with the clicks, social high school politics, the hormones, teenage rebellion stage. Acne! Experimentation. ETC. ETC. ETC. Maybe I should have just waited till prom to open my mouth. Yes had to go threw gay ordeals, one example having a lunch tray thrown at me. With a condom on it. White lotion pouring out of sides and someone saying, "That is the closes thing to a dick you are going to get!" In front of a whole cafeteria. Not to mention, many walk outs during classes. Guys acting like they were coming onto me. I seen the main office more, then I saw my own damn homeroom. Walking target or ticking time bomb. Your choice and what you want to use as a label. Hell looking back at those years, I even made fun of myself. Wait a minute I still do.






I will go more into my teen years and my child hood years later. Right now, lets get into the reports. Her story of the insane delinquent teenage rebellion. To say the least. Came more to a shock to me. What most do not know, is my version. Since I had to keep my mouth shut about this subject. This is just one example of many of the abuse situations that came into play. I did not want to be in that asylum called 1140 Aldrich road. I didn't want to see the crap for what it was. That day of 09/16/98, I was going to dye my hair. Buying the popular hair product that just came out by L'Oreal. A brunt auburn red. Fairy! Shit sorry, wrong product. Feria.








Instead, I got to take advantage of an invite to hang with two friends. We went to Avon by the Sea. Where my trashy flamboyant self danced and did cart wheels in the sand. It was get away for awhile. To have good time, and not think of the disaster which I called my fucking teenage dramatic life. We all had them. I think anyone can understand that. I didn't care what was the price was for staying out that whole night. I wanted the night to last. Even though, I knew there was going to be a price. When I came home , I did enter threw my window which was on the ground floor. I had no keys, because they were taken away from me. There was cheap alarm system that installed by my father. Wait a minute, adopted father. I really have to get use to that term now. But when the alarm the was off one day...I cut the wire by rubbing the window up and down on the it. So when it was alarm set, the connection would not take.








When I entered my bedroom, there was a letter and I tossed it out. Completely sober, hence what my mother said. I went to dye my hair. Well the time, to pay the piper. I though, it was going to be a bit of bitching and that was it. Maybe a grounding. Nope, I was wrong. After hearing her thrown a fit for over a half an hour. Also her becoming more aggressive and hostile, I ran upstairs to the phone. Which was in the kitchen. Where she had put a block on the phone. Meanwhile, the dye pasted it time limit. My mother embraced her hysteria by then. I told her, to unblock the phone so I could call the police. I could remember the screaming. Her voice like it was a car screeching halt. "Do it, Call them! Call them, god dammit! Call the fucking cops!" Well with all going on, and me not knowing better. I didn't know you could call the cops when there was a block on the phone. This was being the 90's and well me being a trashy degenerate.







Anyway, long story short. I gave up and decide to go over to the neighbors house because of her fit. She was not all stable and I was not going to leave my kid sister with this women. I said, "That's it, were leaving." Dashed to her room. I hated bring Marlena into this, but no one was safe in this household. Pushing the door open to her bedroom. Which was down the hallway from the kitchen. I said, "Get your shit, were going!" She didn't know what was going on. By face I could see she was confused. Let alone scared. I did grab her by the arm. I turned around and then was maced by my own mother. Screaming was the first reaction I had. The second reaction was to get my sister out of the room. I grabbed her by the shoulders and then swung her around out of harms way towards the door which was the only exit out of my sisters room.






Once she was in the hallway, the third reaction came to mind. Football players tackle. I brought my head down, and ran right into her. Making her lose her balance and stumble. Pushing forward. Out of my sisters room, into the hallway, into the master bedroom. The master bedroom door flew open where my mother fell backwards flipping over her own stair master. Hitting the floor, with a loud thud, which shook the fucking entire bedroom. I turned away screaming and blinded ...having only the lite hallway and a figure that looked like my sister. Screaming out for her to run to the neighbors, we both ran. Ran down the hallway, into the dinning room. Opening the sliding door and pushing are way to the stairs . Running down the stairs, threw the back yard, threw the gate to the neighbors who were tending to there lawn.





The neighbor, flushed my eyes out with the garden hose. By that time the red dye now cake into my hair was now coming out, almost looking like a gory mess. After the police and everything was out in the open. I was stuck in that moment, having no clue what was going to happen. Completely numb. My sister was to return to the house hold. As for me to stay outside. By this time , my new hair color was Ronald McDonald RED. A man came by that council and consoled to gay youths. He was a probation officer. After he talked with my mother he told what I had to do. Eat dinner, go to school. Stay out of her way and if she does something. Well I should know what I have to do. But overall, this comment stayed in my head for a long time. "Do yourself the favor. Get emancipated!"





http://www.larcc.org/pamphlets/children_family/teen_emancipation.htm





What was I going to do. No money, no answers, hardly any guidance. I was not ready. Shocked not from her actions but from what transpired. How much more shit did I have to fucking go threw. What was I going to do. Go to harbour house for 2 weeks and then get kicked out. Press charges. The questions of second doubts played threw my head. I just had let it subside and try to get a grip. Not saying I was the picture perfect kid here. I screwed up many times but was a OUT GAY TEENAGER with many issues. I put on this show, a flaming spectacle. Like it was my shield, the more people made fun of me. The louder I got and increased the gay. I believe I explain this before in a previous blog. I just didn't want people asking or seeing my home life for what really it was. This is just one of the many, many, many problems. I had to go threw with great old mother dearest... 2.0!







So does any think she deserves RESPECT? Now, there something that I noticed on these police reports which no one is going to see, but I will mention. Each police report had a different social security number for Mrs Marliyn Blodgett. Not to mention that one of the medical records, states another different social security number for Mrs Marilyn Blodgett. That is a total of 3 different social security number used by same women. Every document I obtain she never made a mistake, using my number. When it came to hers, there was room for error.





Irregular alert. Irregular alert. If I grabbed my sister around the neck like she said in the report. Wouldn't there be hand prints around my sister's neck. Finger prints. Something. As for Cat, Adam, Ginny, and Marlena this really has nothing to do with them. They just so happen to be there, or be mention. Sorry. Anyway, not to mention lets point out counseling. I did have to go, after all this bullshit. About 3 or 4 sessions, and each session I asked. "Why isn't my mother here?" The therapist replied, "Well the session are for you!" I pointed out that the problem was between her and I. And nothing was going to get accomplished until she was came to a session. So after the last session, my mother asked me. "Was the therapy working?" And I said, "No, because you not there!" She cancel therapy.






The next report had to do with me running away. I did run away numerous of times before that. That was my nature to run away from there problem before it became something far more worst happens. In this instance, I didn't know where to go but I did not want anyone following me. So I left a bus schedule and went the opposite direction. If seaside is south, where the hell do you think I'm going. I found my derlict ass hanging by the Howell park and ride on route 9. Stepping onto the first step of the NJ transit bus. Doubt played threw my head yet again. The second guessing. Now, if I had a crystal ball and been able to see the future of me being maced. Believe me, ten dollars and a blow job for the bus driver would have definitely gotten me to at least New York City. Who knows, never really push myself to be Jail Bate Prostitution Whore. Okay another poor joke but I think anyone can understand this issue.






MTV CROWD? Really? Really? REALLY? I have to say one thing. NO FUCKING COMMENT! ( while I roll my eyes ) You know, it's one thing to acknowledge that you might be that kid. It's another to find out, and accept that. YOU ARE THAT KID! I would like to see members of my family and those ex friends who could not stand me put there heads on the chopping block like I had too. Not saying I'm any better, because I'm not. Far from it, but no body else is either. Let them take the walk of shame, then walk the hallway of shame, and go threw the maze of shame. I mention something about my mother, who makes Joan Cawford look like a Fucking saint. She mention something her deserving respect. Albert Camus said, Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear. Now I might be mean in saying this but, READ IT AND WEEP BITCH! .

Defensive, Phony, or Outspoken?

"At 30, a man should know himself like the palm of his hand. Know the exact number of his defects and qualities, know how far he can go, foretell his failures, be what he is, and above all. Accept these things!" (Albert Camus)


The qoutes that I have within this blog are suppose to be empowering. The whole concept is suppose to be empowering. For anyone to take any infomation from here if they choose and apply it to themselves, in there own life. It was these quotes and this trashy common sense. That got me threw many of the burdensome times and my naive youth. With that said, I hope others can do the same. This is not meant, but can be implied for the 72,000 dollar higher educated. It's intended for those who are low rent. For the uneducated, who do have common sense. That's the reason why it so poorly written, with it's curses and foul language . It's so straight forward, that anyone. ANYONE...can comprehend and relate too. Cause I know, as much as anyone else. That there are many others, just like myself.


At times. I do remember from my past. Conversations from others, of me being phony. Or Narcissistic. This is all to common with poeple. Everyone has been threw this issue. It's so high schooler. As we know, anyone that says something like this. Has some Insecurities with themselves and that person. You would think that anyone that reads this blog would get a better perception of my personailty. Being phony, is more so a state of mind. At least to some individual and group logic. Fact of the matter, we are all phony in others perception and standards.


http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861725676/phony.html


Do I look up to myself? In a way, I could say yes. That I have faith in myself. This trust that I will pull threw. Being an astnostic, one who questions religion and it's many followers. I feel that I should be more forthright about this. I do find religion to be more or less courupted. It's up to the person to pick and choose what they want to learn or believe. "IF" there is a such unseen force or realm. I will find out when I get there. I am opening to it, but these are just my opinions. And, like the old saying goes. Opinions are like assholes. Everyone got one.


This does sounds insane, and I wish I was suffering from Dementia. It would make things a lot easier. This is not the case though. It's the coming to terms and the wising up. It one thing to wise up to one event. It's another to see everything for what it is. In a recent blog, I asked if anyone saw a pattern. I going to post two more hospital records, from two different hospitals. All together, that is four different hospitalization documents. This should indcate, what I am seeing. I asked this, if I was such a problem or there was a serious issue here. Don't you think someone would have caught it by now. The blog, "Hospital Records". Will get more into depth. In 3 different parts.


Not to mention, I already tried therapy. I am not that objecting to it, but I can say, I don't think it's going to work right now. With the many hostipals and the many attempts. This is the only step that I think will work. I have to do something about it. The patterns that are here. Shows one that is troubled, but also can see that it wasn't just me. Everyone was troubled. Let's put it this way, after getting out of jail. I could have went after the people I blamed. Doing something which would have resulted far worst. Now for those who disagree, here is an article that I think many can understand.


Mental Disorders in America
Mental disorders are common in the United States and internationally. An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.1 When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people.2 Even though mental disorders are widespread in the population, the main burden of illness is concentrated in a much smaller proportion — about 6 percent, or 1 in 17 — who suffer from a serious mental illness.1 In addition, mental disorders are the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and Canada.3 Many people suffer from more than one mental disorder at a given time. Nearly half (45 percent) of those with any mental disorder meet criteria for 2 or more disorders, with severity strongly related to comorbidity.1

In the U.S., mental disorders are diagnosed based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV).4

Mood Disorders
Mood disorders include major depressive disorder, dysthymic disorder, and bipolar disorder.

Approximately 20.9 million American adults, or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, have a mood disorder.1,2
The median age of onset for mood disorders is 30 years.5
Depressive disorders often co-occur with anxiety disorders and substance abuse.5
Major Depressive Disorder
Major Depressive Disorder is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15-44.3
Major depressive disorder affects approximately 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.1, 2
While major depressive disorder can develop at any age, the median age at onset is 32.5
Major depressive disorder is more prevalent in women than in men.6
Dysthymic Disorder
Symptoms of dysthymic disorder (chronic, mild depression) must persist for at least two years in adults (one year in children) to meet criteria for the diagnosis. Dysthymic disorder affects approximately 1.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.1, This figure translates to about 3.3 million American adults.2
The median age of onset of dysthymic disorder is 31.1
Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million American adults, or about 2.6 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.1, 2
The median age of onset for bipolar disorders is 25 years.5
Suicide
In 2006, 33,300 (approximately 11 per 100,000) people died by suicide in the U.S.7
More than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable mental disorder, most commonly a depressive disorder or a substance abuse disorder.8
The highest suicide rates in the U.S. are found in white men over age 85.9
Four times as many men as women die by suicide9; however, women attempt suicide two to three times as often as men.10
Schizophrenia
Approximately 2.4 million American adults, or about 1.1 percent of the population age 18 and older in a given year,11, 2 have schizophrenia.
Schizophrenia affects men and women with equal frequency.12
Schizophrenia often first appears in men in their late teens or early twenties. In contrast, women are generally affected in their twenties or early thirties.12
Anxiety Disorders
Anxiety disorders include panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and phobias (social phobia, agoraphobia, and specific phobia).

Approximately 40 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 18.1 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have an anxiety disorder.1,2
Anxiety disorders frequently co-occur with depressive disorders or substance abuse.1
Most people with one anxiety disorder also have another anxiety disorder. Nearly three-quarters of those with an anxiety disorder will have their first episode by age 21.5 5
Panic Disorder
Approximately 6 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 2.7 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have panic disorder.1, 2
Panic disorder typically develops in early adulthood (median age of onset is 24), but the age of onset extends throughout adulthood.5
About one in three people with panic disorder develops agoraphobia, a condition in which the individual becomes afraid of being in any place or situation where escape might be difficult or help unavailable in the event of a panic attack.12
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Approximately 2.2 million American adults age 18 and older, or about 1.0 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have OCD.1, 2
The first symptoms of OCD often begin during childhood or adolescence, however, the median age of onset is 19.5
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Approximately 7.7 million American adults age 18 and older, or about 3.5 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have PTSD.1, 2
PTSD can develop at any age, including childhood, but research shows that the median age of onset is 23 years.5
About 19 percent of Vietnam veterans experienced PTSD at some point after the war.13 The disorder also frequently occurs after violent personal assaults such as rape, mugging, or domestic violence; terrorism; natural or human-caused disasters; and accidents.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Approximately 6.8 million American adults, or about 3.1 percent of people age 18 and over, have GAD in a given year.1, 2
GAD can begin across the life cycle, though the median age of onset is 31 years old.5
Social Phobia
Approximately 15 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 6.8 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have social phobia.1
Social phobia begins in childhood or adolescence, typically around 13 years of age.5
Agoraphobia
Agoraphobia involves intense fear and anxiety of any place or situation where escape might be difficult, leading to avoidance of situations such as being alone outside of the home; traveling in a car, bus, or airplane; or being in a crowded area.5

Approximately 1.8 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 0.8 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have agoraphobia without a history of panic disorder.1, 2
The median age of onset of agoraphobia is 20 years of age.5
Specific Phobia
Specific phobia involves marked and persistent fear and avoidance of a specific object or situation.

Approximately 19.2 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 8.7 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have some type of specific phobia.1, 2
Specific phobia typically begins in childhood; the median age of onset is seven years.5
Eating Disorders
The three main types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder.

In their lifetime, an estimated 0.6 percent of the adult population in the U.S. will suffer from anorexia, 1.0 percent from bulimia, and 2.8 percent from a binge eating disorder. 14
Women are much more likely than males to develop an eating disorder. They are three times as likely to experience anorexia (0.9 percent of women vs. 0.3 percent of men) and bulimia (1.5 percent of women vs. 0.5 percent of men) during their life. They are also 75 percent more likely to have a binge eating disorder (3.5 percent of women vs. 2.0 percent of men).14
The mortality rate among people with anorexia has been estimated at 0.56 percent per year, or approximately 5.6 percent per decade, which is about 12 times higher than the annual death rate due to all causes of death among females ages 15-24 in the general population.15
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
ADHD, one of the most common mental disorders in children and adolescents, also affects an estimated 4.1 percent of adults, ages 18-44, in a given year.1
ADHD usually becomes evident in preschool or early elementary years. The median age of onset of ADHD is seven years, although the disorder can persist into adolescence and occasionally into adulthood.5
Autism
Autism is part of a group of disorders called autism spectrum disorders (ASDs), also known as pervasive developmental disorders. ASDs range in severity, with autism being the most debilitating form while other disorders, such as Asperger syndrome, produce milder symptoms.

Estimating the prevalence of autism is difficult and controversial due to differences in the ways that cases are identified and defined, differences in study methods, and changes in diagnostic criteria. A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported the prevalence of autism among 8 year-olds to be about 1 in 110.16
Autism and other ASDs develop in childhood and generally are diagnosed by age three.17
Autism is about four times more common in boys than girls. Girls with the disorder, however, tend to have more severe symptoms and greater cognitive impairment.16,17
Personality Disorders
Personality disorders represent "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it."4 These patterns tend to be fixed and consistent across situations and are typically perceived to be appropriate by the individual even though they may markedly affect their day-to-day life in negative ways. Among American adults ages 18 and over, an estimated 9.1% have a diagnosable personality disorder.18 Several more common personality disorders include:

Antisocial Personality Disorder
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by an individual's disregard for social rules and cultural norms, impulsive behavior, and indifference to the rights and feelings of others.

Approximately 1.0 percent of people aged 18 or over have antisocial personality disorder.18
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social inhibition, sensitivity to negative evaluation, and feelings of inadequacy. Individuals with avoidant personality disorder frequently avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, or disliked.

An estimated 5.2 percent of people age 18 or older have an avoidant personality disorder.18
Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is defined by the DSM-IV as "a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.”

Approximately 1.6 percent of Americans age 18 or older have BPD.18
For More Information
Mental Health Information and Organizations from NLM's MedlinePlus (en Español).

References
1. Kessler RC, Chiu WT, Demler O, Walters EE. Prevalence, severity, and comorbidity of twelve-month DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005 Jun;62(6):617-27.

2. U.S. Census Bureau Population Estimates by Demographic Characteristics. Table 2: Annual Estimates of the Population by Selected Age Groups and Sex for the United States: April 1, 2000 to July 1, 2004 (NC-EST2004-02) Source: Population Division, U.S. Census Bureau Release Date: June 9, 2005. http://www.census.gov/popest/national/asrh/

3. The World Health Organization. The global burden of disease: 2004 update, Table A2: Burden of disease in DALYs by cause, sex and income group in WHO regions, estimates for 2004. Geneva, Switzerland: WHO, 2008. http://www.who.int/healthinfo/global_burden_disease/GBD_report_2004update_AnnexA.pdf.

4. American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual on Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press, 1994.

5. Kessler RC, Berglund PA, Demler O, Jin R, Walters EE. Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives of General Psychiatry. 2005 Jun;62(6):593-602.

6. Kessler RC, Berglund P, Demler O, Jin R, Koretz D, Merikangas KR, Rush AJ, Walters EE, Wang PS. The epidemiology of major depressive disorder: results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Journal of the American Medical Association, 2003; Jun 18;289(23):3095-105.

7. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System (WISQARS) : www.cdc.gov/ncipc/wisqars accessed April 2010.

8. Conwell Y, Brent D. Suicide and aging I: patterns of psychiatric diagnosis. International Psychogeriatrics, 1995; 7(2): 149-64.

9. Kochanek KD, Murphy SL, Anderson RN, Scott C. Deaths: final data for 2002. National Vital Statistics Reports. 2004 Oct 12;53 (5):1-115.

10. Weissman MM, Bland RC, Canino GJ, et al. Prevalence of suicide ideation and suicide attempts in nine countries. Psychological Medicine, 1999; 29(1): 9-17.

11. Regier DA, Narrow WE, Rae DS, Manderscheid RW, Locke BZ, Goodwin FK. The de facto mental and addictive disorders service system. Epidemiologic Catchment Area prospective 1-year prevalence rates of disorders and services. Archives of General Psychiatry. 1993 Feb;50(2):85-94.

12. Robins LN, Regier DA, eds. Psychiatric disorders in America: the Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study. New York: The Free Press, 1991.

13. Dohrenwend BP, Turner JB, Turse NA, Adams BG, Koen KC, Marshall R. The psychological risk of Vietnam for U.S. veterans: A revist with new data and methods. Science. 2006; 313(5789):979-982.

14. Hudson JI, Hiripi E, Pope HG, Kessler RC. The prevalence and correlates of eating disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Biol Psychiatry. 2007; 61:348-58.

15. Sullivan PF. Mortality in anorexia nervosa. American Journal of Psychiatry. 1995 Jul;152(7):1073-4.

16. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Prevalence of Autism Spectrum Disorders―Autism and Developmental Disabilities Monitoring Network, United States, 2006. MMWR Surveillance Summaries 2009;58(SS-10)

17. Fombonne E. Epidemiology of autism and related conditions. In: Volkmar FR, ed. Autism and pervasive developmental disorders. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press, 1998; 32-63.

18. Lenzenweger, M.F., Lane, M.C., Loranger, A.W., Kessler, R.C. (2007). DSM-IV personality disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Biological Psychiatry, 62(6), 553-564.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml

57.7 million people with a alarming trend that is increasing and that is in only 2004! That is alot of fucked up people! A book I touched upon is, Suggestions of Abuse. Which was interesting and informative. In one chapter, the author states. That 98 precent of people suffer from 3 or 4 traumas within there life span. I can believe that. This book talks about various topics. That I do and do not agree to. But here is what the library journal said.

Finally, a work of popular psychology whose purpose is not to convince readers that they are victims but to illuminate one of the most fascinating and distressing occurrences in recent years-the increase in sexual abuse accusations resulting from the recollection of repressed memories. While clinical psychologist Yapko asserts that memories of horrible events can indeed be repressed, so little is understood about both memory and the mind's receptivity to suggestion that it can be virtually impossible to distinguish genuine memories from false ones. In some instances, therapists are able to convince susceptible clients that they are victims of sexual abuse that may have never occurred. This book is recommended for all public libraries, and while it is not scholarly in the strictest sense, it would not be an inappropriate purchase for academic libraries.
Jennifer Amador, Central State Hosp. Medical Lib., Petersburg, Va.
Copyright 1994 Reed Business Information, Inc.

http://www.amazon.com/Suggestions-Abuse-Michael-Yapko-PhD/dp/0671874314



Now, I did point out that I did do drugs, in my lifetime. Well, here is something that should make others think before adding there own opinon though. I had a women comment to me, "This is what you get for doing drugs!" Okay well, if that is the case let me defend myself with this by this article.



Prescription Drugs Kill 300 Percent More Americans Than Illegal Drugs
Monday 10 November 2008

by: David Gutierrez | Natural News




A report by the Florida Medical Examiners Commission has concluded that prescription drugs have outstripped illegal drugs as a cause of death.

An analysis of 168,900 autopsies conducted in Florida in 2007 found that three times as many people were killed by legal drugs as by cocaine, heroin and all methamphetamines put together. According to state law enforcement officials, this is a sign of a burgeoning prescription drug abuse problem.

"The abuse has reached epidemic proportions," said Lisa McElhaney, a sergeant in the pharmaceutical drug diversion unit of the Broward County Sheriff's Office. "It's just explosive."

In 2007, cocaine was responsible for 843 deaths, heroin for 121, methamphetamines for 25 and marijuana for zero, for a total of 989 deaths. In contrast, 2,328 people were killed by opioid painkillers, including Vicodin and Oxycontin, and 743 were killed by drugs containing benzodiazepine, including the depressants Valium and Xanax.

Alcohol directly caused 466 deaths, but was found in the bodies of 4,179 cadavers in all.

While the number of dead bodies containing heroin jumped 14 percent from the prior year, to a total of 110, the number of deaths influenced by the painkiller oxycodone increased by 36 percent, to a total of 1,253.

Across the country, prescription drugs have become an increasingly popular alternative to the more difficult to acquire illegal drugs. Even as illegal drug use among teenagers have fallen, prescription drug abuse has increased. For example, while 4 percent of U.S. 12th graders were using Oxycontin in 2002, by 2005 that number had increased to 5.5 percent.

It's not hard for teens to come by prescription drugs, according to Sgt. Tracy Busby, supervisor of the Calaveras County, Calif., Sheriff's Office narcotics unit.

"You go to every medicine cabinet in the county, and I bet you're going to find some sort of prescription medicine in 95 percent of them," he said.

Adults can acquire prescriptions by faking injuries, or by visiting multiple doctors and pharmacies for the same health complaint. Some people get more drugs than they expect to need, then sell the extras.

"You have health care providers involved, you have doctor shoppers, and then there are crimes like robbing drug shipments," said Jeff Beasley of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. "There is a multitude of ways to get these drugs, and that's what makes things complicated."

And while some people may believe that the medicines' legality makes them less dangerous than illegal drugs, Tuolumne County, Calif., Sheriff's Office Deputy Dan Crow warns that this is not the case. Because everybody reacts differently to foreign chemicals, there is no way of predicting the exact response anyone will have to a given dosage. That is why prescription drugs are supposed to be taken under a doctor's supervision.

"All this stuff is poison," Crow said. "Your body will fight all of this stuff." Tuolumne County Health Officer Todd Stolp agreed. A prescription drug taken recreationally is "much like a firearm in the hands of someone who's not trained to use them," he said.

While anyone taking a prescription medicine runs a risk of negative effects, the drugs are even more dangerous when abused. For example, many painkillers are designed to have a delayed effect that fades out over time. This can lead recreational users to take more drugs before the old ones are out of their system, placing them at risk of an overdose. Likewise, the common practice of grinding pills up causes a large dose of drugs to hit the body all at once, with potentially dangerous consequences.

"A medication that was meant to be distributed over 24 hours has immediate effect," Stolp said.

Even more dangerous is the trend of mixing drugs with alcohol, which, like most popularly abused drugs, is a depressant.

"In the case of alcohol and drugs, one plus one equals more than two," said Tuolumne County Sheriff's Office spokesperson Lt. Dan Bressler.

Florida pays careful attention to drug-related deaths, and as such has significantly better data on the problem than any other state. But a recent study conducted by the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) suggests that the problem is indeed national. According to the DEA, the number of people abusing prescription drugs in the United States has jumped 80 percent in six years to seven million, or more than those abusing cocaine, Ecstasy, heroin, hallucinogens an inhalants put together.

Not surprisingly, there has been a corresponding increase in deaths. According to the Drug Abuse Warning Network, the number of emergency room visits related to painkillers has increased by 153 percent since 1995. And a 2007 report by the Justice Department National Intelligence Drug Center found that deaths related to the opioid methadone jumped from 786 in 1999 to 3,849 in 2004 - an increase of 390 percent.

Many experts attribute the trend to the increasing popularity among doctors of prescribing painkillers, combined with a leap in direct-to-consumer marketing by drug companies. For example, promotional spending on Oxycontin increased threefold between 1996 and 2001, to $30 million per year.

Sonora, Calif., pharmacist Eddie Howard reports that he's seen painkiller prescriptions jump dramatically in the last five years.

"I don't know that there is that much pain out there to demand such an increase," he said. The trend concerns Howard, and he tries to keep an eye out for patients who are coming in too frequently. But he admits that there is little he can do about the problem.

"When you have a lot of people waiting for prescriptions, it's hard to find time to play detective," he said.

Still, the situation makes Howard uncomfortable.

"It almost makes me a legalized drug dealer, and that's not a good position to be in," he said.

http://www.truth-out.org/111208HA


So for anyone that says I am jumping to conclusions. That I not thinking straight, or I am reading to much into it. Or who points out that this was about drugs. This is what I get. Wise up baby. Wise the fuck up. Get some insight. No one is any better. Spare me with the excuses. The problems were there with or without. Making this quote, very insightful. It's not the crazy ones you have out for, it the ones who consider themselves normal.

I am going jump off this subject because I think I said my peace. I noticed something that was very odd. Which I wonder why my motives are so different then most. Why don't I want to meet my biological father or my bother if there is any? Twin or half. The only thing I want to know. Who he is, his medical conditions or genetics. ( If anything was pasted down.) Also, if there is any truth to being a twin or half brother. That's all I want to know. I believe I stated this before. Not planning to add them to my x-mas card list. I don't want to be reunited nor that I blame him for what he did to my mother. I have no resentment towards him.



I feel that I have so many issues, that it is time for just myself. I don't want my issues onto bleed them. When they have such a life themselves to live. I find it wrong. Now, if there was a chance to rekinddle, I would keep an open mind. Maybe in the future but I do not see that happen anytime soon. That's the reason why I find this very strange. It's closure that I want, not saying that I am going to get it. To find out that your a resentment baby that came from a dishearting and emotional crazied mother. Is one thing. It's another thing though, that everyone was crazied in there own way. These inablers brought out something in me. In which, I do not want to tap into again.

I think this pretty much sums it up though, "Man is only normal in his natural environment, it is society that brings out his beast!" I believe it was Friedrich Nietzsche said something like this. Lastly, no one cares about your issues because they are to busy with there own. So why not do something about it.

Lies and Bullshit Theories

I can not say this is the higher road and majority of people may debate about this topic. Of course, I can say. I exhausted all other options without conforming. This book / blog has been in the works for years. At least the idea. Others would have given up by now. Seeing it as a lost cause. I felt that I had to do this. To get some closure and be able to finally put this behind me. I know for a fact though, I will never get over this fully. There was just no other way to go about it. I'm not sharpest tool in the shed but I'm pretty damn useful. A quote from my old blog.



There were times that I was paranoid, and maybe I'm still to this day. We can even say it was, Hypervigilance. Your call, I don't really give a shit. How many can say though. That paranoia / hypervigilancy was what saved them. I choose truth, instead of that Delusional lie of a life that I led before. Not into Kurt Cobain, but he said something that I think most people can relate to. Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you. Hopefully, you see what I mean.



This battle that I have been striving with. Has been a second rude awaking for all. Who would have thought that it would have gone this far. I am responsible for a lot of issues. What I can not comprehend. Is why nobody else couldn't do it either. To suck up there pride for just a bit. Anybody could have prevented this. Friends, family, etc. Instead they didn't want to get involved because there own problems. I understand that. So a note to those people. Please understand why I am doing this. This was plan. To discover the truth. Should have applied, "Murphys Law" though. The intent almost backfired on me too. ALMOST... being the key term here. I didn't apply all my emotions to it.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law



The design for this book or blog was memoir, not autobiography. As for the scheme that I constructed. I was trying to get confessions from the three people I knew who were screwing me over. I had agenda. Most people would say that was the dumbest thing I could have done, but who was going to believe me. No one. I looked like the boy who cried wolf. Cut everyone off and let the snakes fall out. Is something that I thought of alot. Ever since Countryside Place. A low income apartment complex in Howell, NJ. I became almost anti social at times with anyone that was close to me. With very good reason though. Throwing myself into work and school.



I just knew that these few people. These inablers were hiding something. They would never amitt to there own faults. I knew this. I had to develop the tendencies of a Sociopath. But why not, I learned it from them. Why not flip the script. They didn't want see the bigger picture. That they were wrong too. They had to learn some how.



http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html




Here is something that I went by, If you suffer your people to be ill educated and there manners corrupted from infancy. Then punish them for there crimes that they were first education was exposed to them. Then what of it, if you make theives and then dispose of them! No offence to Drew barrymore, but I took this out of context and made it work for me. My own trashy philosphy. Not a thief here, but a troubled youth turned into a troublesome man. So as you can see. People made the troubled youth. Then what of it, when people know how the troubled youth will turn out.



It may not make any sense but let me prepose why I thought there were issues here. What made me change my mind about these people. The first thing was my credit report. After sometime, living in Parlin, apart of Sayerville, NJ. Where most of my mother's family resided. Friends were urged me to forgive and forget. I noticed something very starnge. I only lived in NJ, but the address for my parents in PA was on the report. I asked the representative at Experian. Why would this would happen?


Two ways she told me. One , you lived there. Two, someone else used your Social Security number. Well we can honestly say, that number one was not the case. I flagged that bitch so fast. Then made nice, with my parents. They were the only ones who could explain it. Forgiveness could have happen but that was not my true intention. I mean, remember I didn't even know I was adopted at the time. Didn't find out till August 2010. Don't believe me, the Credit report is down below. Also isn't an criminal offence? Sorry, bit of air head here.



An addition to what I am stating. My sister had my home number, and I got a call from her. When answered I the phone. No one replied. It sounded like shuffling and I could here my mother talking. With my father or now we know him as adopted father. I listened, to there conversation. "Well if that fucking faggot thinks he's going to get one over on me he has another thing coming!" Nice huh! Well you could see why I stopped talking to them afterwards. So any theroies on me being jealous of my sister are crap.



Let's jump to another time. Where the letter below will help us. In this letter. She states that I abandon her. That they did not abandon me. I received this reply when I was in jail. This is where I have a problem. If I left them, why was I at the hospital. Centra State, to be exact. Maybe she meant, I left them mentally. Being sarcastic here. The paperwork states it, parents were called. Odd though, they never showed up.



You might ask, why did I have the break down. This will be mention in another blog. Having to do with hospital records. Right now, I can point out the trigger. Besides, having so much stress. Dealing with lifes many issues. Working two jobs and about to go into my senior year of high school. My sister and I had a little disagreement. Her friend was standing on the side lines of this great dabate. We had are squables before, but have to hand it to her. She won this disagreement. By saying this. "This is the reason why were are leaving you here!" You see my parents were in the process of moving again. Didn't know they made a group decision about leaving me in Howell though.



The great thirteen minute phone call. Was one of the hardest situation I ever had to go threw. Almost as hard as my two breakdowns. Also, it pushed me even more so. To do what I had to do. Long story short, I sent her a letter after I got out of jail. An eight page letter which had my cell number. She called. Pulliung over, I had bad gut feeling. So I held back. I was willing to hear her out. She rambled about there is no book on parenting, which my feeling were. Well there is fucking common sense. Then she lead to change the subject. Something about a child hood friend, Joseph. Being killed in a motorcycle accident. This is where I stopped her.


"Mother, what the fuck does this have to do with us!" I had to put my foot down. Stating that I wanted to see her face to face. Public place and we have dish it out there. I didn't care how cold hearted it sounded, or how crazy I was. She tells me the truth. To my face. No more hiding behind other people. What did I get? "Well.. you need to give me your respect!" Can you see why I was so unwilling. "Listen I'm giving you one more chance, the truth. Meet me face to face." She said no. The last words that came out of my mouth were. Well you know what, have a nice LIFE! I hung up the phone, and changed the number. Never heard from any relative again.



Can you understand where I was coming from. Does anyone see the one too many consequences here. If you don't well let me divulge this info, then you can tell me what you think. Anyone can place comments. When it came to Cliff, his bullshit was something I just dismissed. I didn't want to see it for what it was. The Roxy incident was one of them. Remembering Cliff's lines that he used, the bartender did it, or I was drinking to much. Was just ridiclous. Number one don't drink that much. Number two, mother was right about this. Never put your drink down and take your eyes off it. I always did that. As feble minded as that sounds. Anyway I will write more about the Roxy story later. The point. That he did it. Which ruined whatever you want to call this LTR but more so that he betrayed me. The most atrocious part is that I didn't blame him fully. I blamed myself for letting my guard down and for trusting him.


I'm not going to go into any of my cars being sabotage or at least in opinion they were. The only proof I have is that Cliff was the only one who worked on them. I will keep that short for now until another blog I planned to write about. The sexual escapades was another, his and mine. Difference though, it's okay for him to do it. But it's not for me. I will talk about this subject matter under the Countryside Place blog.


Cliff and John had a way of saying things non sholantly. Well, with Cliff partically. He used to say things such as. He had a twin. But only when I was in the room. Making a bigger deal out of it. Showing some picture of a guy that didn't have any resemblance to him whatsoever. I dismissed it, not thinking about it. Not agknowledging anything about my past. I only knew so much. Another thing, he pointed out was one time we were in his, "Lexus ES300". (The one John sold to him.)



He was trying to relate to me. And said, "Hey I'm a wed lock child too!" That made me think a bit. Since I never agknowledged that I was one. Another issue. Which worried me. Was a fight we were having. He mummbled something to me afterwards. "That's the reason why your parents are disowning you and had you taken off there will!" I asked, "How would you know that?" He simled and just walked away.



Anyone putting two and two together yet? I think, with what I know and facts that I have. Gives me a lot of reasonable doubt. That my mother and Cliff did chat it up with each other. Or he chatted with someone within the family. Now I really can't jump the gun about the twin thing or half brother issue. I would have never even though about a twin, if I didn't remember my grandmother saying to me as a teen. "Alex, pss meda. You have a cousin in Chicago that looks excatly like you!" Now looking at the doucments down below. You can see that my old birth cirticate compared to my recent. States two different last names. Rosario was my mother madien name. But if you look at the duration of my birth and how long it was to process. October 25, 1981 to November 4, 1981. Shows concern. Not to mention that I was a C section birth, with complications.



It's hard to shallow, and you can imagine why I feel it is necessary to find out as much I can. So no one can play these damn head games with me anymore. Nor take advantage. I wanted to keep this in the family and I had no problem doing so. That meant I had to conform to there standards. The main point was to show how these people went about attaining my respect, threw manipulation and control. They wanted trust. They wanted, respect. Fact of the matter, they only wanted to take advantage of my naive nature. To keep my mouth shut of as many immoral indiscretions and wicked secrets that I knew.



This was another form of there Betrayal. You see everyone had there reasons to cover up there lies and say I was the insane one. It was easy to blame me. So why not make it easier. Until they run out of excuses and have take the blame for themselves. Betrayal. This is what all these people have in common. Besides me.



As I said before I have no problem keeping within the family. At least back then. This women who told everyone else her bullshit theroys about me but had nothing to back it up. Now, if anyone else states that I should kept it in the family, why should I? Out of respect for her and others, so they could live a blissful life. Oh hell no! There was something that I learn from another movie which, I took out of context yet again. Something from Clea Duvall. Don't be nice, because the world is not nice. It is complicated and messy. Over flowing with arrogance, greedy, and uncertainty. A lot of shit. It's a world where bad wins out every single time. Now you might be to naive to believe that or stupid to learn it. If you believe in the good and mercy of others. You will lose. You will always be the victim. Then you will learn , you'll learn.




It's a motto that now I apply. I had do a lot of Sacrifices. Just to become me, and see the truth for what it was. To see the corruption that surrounded me. This had nothing to do with how many wrongs or traumas I went threw. How many times I was sexually abuse, or treated. Please! I said in the old blog. One time, I understand, Second time, I sympathise from a far. Third time, Tell it to fucking Oprah. Oh I forgot she's on farewell season! This was to show and expose those people. To show what there true nature. They thought they were in the right. These Sociopaths, are not. I may sounded paranoid from which I started this blog but I will leave you with this to ponder on. Paraniods are people too, they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you be paranoid too. D. J. Hicks.

Acceptance / Goodtimes AND A LOT OF FUCKING QUOTES

My apology for the delay. I have been having some difficulties keeping up with this blog. I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed to write this entry. Not to mention the hoilday season is finally here. So, I am finally getting more work. Anyway, Rousseau delivered this qoute. "It is not the criminal things which are hardest to confess, but the ridiculous and shameful!" Now, I did mention I would do this blog in a way of chrological order. Come to think of it, fuck that! I listen too many poeple tell me what I should do. There criticism.

Let alone I did take some of there advice, but not all of it was best for me. I'm going to do this my way, because this is for myself. Not anyone else. Not to mention that it is your choice wether you want to understand this or not. To sympathize from a far. But here is another qoute by Rousseau. Which a have to say, this enlighten man had very great intuitiveness. "We pity in others only those evils which we have ourselves experienced!"

Now, there is a photograph that is down below of this blog, from the book Robert Franks, "The Americans". It was taken in New York City around 1955 to 1956. There was also an exhibit at the The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I just so happen to stumble upon it. I went there by myself for a day trip. Just to get a little culture. The website is down below, if you care to check it out.

http://www.metmuseum.org/special/se_event.asp?OccurrenceId={1FD57D4D-FE17-41FA-9025-E2667E36AD27}

One photo that caught my eye, which is NOT the one below. Was of three gay men walking across the street. They were walking in such a way, that it was inspiring to me. Like models on project runway. Completely adrift and not giving a care of the coruption that surrounded them. These bitches worked it, and were going to be who they were no matter what. It wasn't because they were prostitutes or because they were gay. It was because they were just being them at that given time. With what little they had. These men had to do. What they had to do to surive.

They put up with each others shit, because all they had was an understanding of each other. The scurtiny these bitches had to go threw. Even in that heighten era. I felt drawn to this specific picture and the rest of the photos. That were about them. I sort of looked at them like they were forefathers. It was compelling in someway. I felt I knew what they went threw.

Now here starts the peevish bullshit. After I was leaving, The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I past by a bunch of gay youths. Around in there teens or early twenties. One made that comment, to say the least. He was not to first to say something like that to me. His comment, "It's guys like him that make the gay community look bad!" That came as a shock to me, but I still understood what they were talking about. Also why he felt, he had to say it. It was out of them being naive but also there lack of knowledge.

First of all, it's guys like me that always took those denouncing remarks. Those slings and arrows. If it wasn't for men like those in the photo below and guys such like myself. Gay youths today wouldn't even be able to afford to say those sort of comments out loud. Just to say this , I'm not letting it all go to my head because there are many more such like myself. Who been threw the same and even worst scenarios then me. Even when I was young, I use to scrape the back of my class ring on the lockers at school when coming down the hallway. Just to pre warn anyone I was coming, hence for anyone that hated me.

Not to mention if anyone else was getting picking on. Those bullies would turn there bullshit out on me. I would use my flamboyant ways as a shield. The more they gave dirty looks and called me names. The more I increase the flamer in me. My defence mechanism. Anyway, I knew my problems that I had were bigger then the ones that I faced at school. College acceptance, was the last thing I was thinking of. As the the bitches from Ab Fab would say, Boo hoo squish squish.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism

It's was guys like myself. Also, men like the ones in in that photograph down below that knew what the price was to be this way. To be themselves. To be this outspoken and have that will and think for themselves. No matter what anybody else said or did. It wasn't just about the acceptance. It was the self acceptance. Knowing that anyone elses approval and tolrance was not desired nor fucking required. How to wong foo of me. It might sound wrong, it might sound spiteful. Of course, I can afford to talk that way because I have been threw that run of the mill. Just like anyone who has been threw this kind of treatment.

Why am I stating this, well I'm noticing this alarming trend. With many homosexual people in there twenties or early thirties. The ones say, my parents accepted me. Now, I am only being general. Maybe I'm not seeing threw there eyes. Remembering that everyones case is just a bit different. Hopefully I'm wrong but to define it, acceptance.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance


Acceptance is when a person agrees to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.


The Acceptances


coming to terms with something: the realization of a fact or truth and the process of coming to terms with it


toleration: the toleration of something without protest


social tolerance: willingness to treat somebody as a member of a group or social circle


http://www.bing.com/Dictionary/search?q=define+acceptance&FORM=DTPDIA&qpvt=Acceptance+Definition


Tolerate


3. accept existence of different views: to recognize other people's right to have different beliefs or practices without attempting to suppress them




That is a lot to ask for from any person. The process is slow and the duration of time can be lenghty. I don't think most people understand this. I think people just say this to make themselves feel justitied in polite settings. It's just the right thing to say. But after awhile, we do need to talk about the elephant in the room. With that said, most poeple would just wait off till the problem becomes worst. Or blows up in everyones face. Hence, The Thanksgiving senerio. Mom, I suck dick. Can you please pass the gravy!


It's not the coming out, which is hard enough. But everything else that comes with it. The problems, the situations. Not to mention that stigma which is not just about you or your partner. You have to think of others as well too. Let face it, most people have there own problems, and don't want to be bother with yours. This we all should know, but afarid to amitt. Or not recognize it. Maybe secertly we do. You know what, who gives a flying fuck. When it came to me , my issue was a little more extreme. After awhile, I started to notice that if this is what its all about. Those people who said that they did care but bit there tounge. Then I need to start practicing some self acceptance, but also start being more realistic. Which I find most people are not.



I do not want to be around people who have been tolorating for years. If thats there attitude, then why make it more uncomfortable for them and I. Why even bother? The sad thing here to say , you are going to have to think for yourself sooner or later. To be able to see what right in front of you, besides what lies are all around you. It's like doing the hokie pokie, around people. It's exausting.



I had someone say to me. "Glad to see that you have no hope!" Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe he didn't understand where I was coming from. Or it was little bit of both, who knows. But as I see it. It's not that I have no hope. I'm just being more realistic. Also, a bit more extreme. Perhaps, I'm finally coming to the end of the process of my own acceptance. Here is another qoute, which I heard from a TV show. "No hope, no family, no friends. What do you have left?"



Most people pride themselves, around these three things. Take those away and they fall apart. The real answer, is this. Yourself. Not saying that having these people in your life is such a awful thing. Be grateful for what you have. Just make a mental note. That these people that you pride yourself around with. Are not going to always be there for you. Literary. Some are going to be even resentful and vindictive. You might become so too. Not saying, I'm an enlighten being and it may come across that way. At least though, I can say. I'm pretty content with myself. No matter what lows and highs that I had in my past and what my future may hold. What lessons that are in life. Or as other people may see as regrets or mistakes. I mean, what is the point of living, if not to live.

Now, let me touch on this subject matter. Another person told me that all I do. On this blog is talk about the depressing times. Looking at this, he is right. As people we focus on the vile more then the pleasent. So I will point out the virtuous times that I had. Let me add a tip here though. That most people show there lives as happy extience. If you notice majority show a blissful photos of them skiing or doing family activies. Those fond memories. I did have those too. Not saying I didn't. If you ever seen, Factory Girl. The main lead pointed out the family potrait. Which everyone was happy but yet, what lies were behind that picture. That is the reality and the taboo subject matter we do not talk about.

It almost seems hypocritical. Actually, it is! You see, I can be up beat. During work and with those people that I think are worth my time. Even at times that I am alone. I'm happier by myself. Turning the music up loud, and toning out the issues. Dancing my little ass off. Just letting it go and shake it off for a few hours. That is what makes me ..... Me! That will never change. Unless I feel that it is necessary.

My childhood memories, pictures down below. At stafford apartments, were the very first memories I had. Poping my energetic perky head threw a small window into the kitchen, which had blue shutters. Sort of an irritating to anybody in the room. Watching the Smurfs on ice on the old wooden Quasar TV. Giggling like a small school girl. Having a cat named Moonshine with pierced ears that my mother tested on. Don't ask. Even at times that my adopted father, used to bathed me. Still getting use to the term adoptive father. There was one time that my father turned away to get the towel. He turned back, I endded up pissing onto my own face. Who knew I was into watersports in such an early age.

I rode plastic big wheels around the unit, and screamed out for ice cream when the truck came by in the summer. I had childhood playmates. One was a boy name Joseph, Rest in peace, from what I last heard. Other times, where at my grandmother house. On James street in Sayerville. Dancing, to the hispanic station and techno music on the old stereo. With my aunts and other relatives. Them cheering the name "Ally Ally!". We were a loud rambunctious bunch. Playing the regular kids games, as Hide and go seek. With my cousins. Which they lived a block over on Rose street.

We moved from the apartment, to a house in perth amboy. On the conner of Mary street and Krochmally. Which hello, can you see the gay pun here! There were good times there too. Birthdays celebrated, my aunts babysitting. Other kids on the street, which we play child hood games too. We also moved to Jackson and also Howell too. I was a odd ball, big time into the horror slasher films. Like the movie, Wes Craven A Nightmare on Elm Street, which I loved. Let just say movies had a big influence in my life. Which it does for everyone.

During my school years, I was very active. Doing such things as chours, band, yearbook, newspaper, track, taekwondo, going to the library.Being apart of such clubs, as Human rights committee and gay striaght allience. doing the fashion show, and coming with the idea for it. I had many good times. A lot of laughes. Smiles. Light hearted jokes with good people. I went school dances, I volunteered for two summer at the Menlo Park Vets home. The special needs unit. I hung at the mall, and shopped. I worked at such stores as Bang Bang when it was popular. Even Mc Donalds and Burger King.


Even supermarkets. Such as Path mark and Doyles Thirftway. I went to theme parks such as Great Adventure and rode rides , chilled with friends at the park. I was even on the prom court, for my senior year. It may have been a pity thing since everyone knew my parents had left me. I was happy for at least small duration and I will never forget that. I graduated, with out any of my relatives being there. Only just a few friends. It was the most liberating experience, because I did not think I was going to make it.



There were times I went to NYC with friends. Also, going to the beach, such as Avon by the Sea and dancing and doing cart wheels in the sand. I danced at gay clubs, and did the sence for a bit. Being airheaded and naive. Trying to be myself. Or who I was to become. I did not care about what the cost was, or what a delinquent I might have been to people. I was me and I was happy at that time. Not really seeing the reality for what it was.


I explored my sexuality doing things that would be shameful to other people and there social circles. I did drugs too. I was the stereo type. I willing to accept what was coming. With what lack of knowledge I really knew. With that said, I had to own up to those things, and knew there was consequence. I don't use that as a vice or excuse. I was dumb and naive, but what was everyone elses excuse. I mean, that is what your twenties are all about, right? Testing the waters and experimenting.

I want thank those people that were in my life, even the ones that were deceitful. I'm not happy with it but I'm content, because if I never went threw these splendid and damaging problems. These life issues. I would have never become the person I am today and I will never want to change that. So thanks to everyone, for making me who I am. It took some time but at least I'm happier to see the truth for what it is. Have this gift of knowledge about myself and human behavior. Not to mention this life, and what futrue there may be. I feel like I have been born, once again.

SURMISED FORTHCOMINGS

James V. Smith, JR. Author of, "You Can Write A Novel". Implicate in his book, cardinal rule number three. Begin the end in mind. It's gay agknowledging that notion. Since I always did that for some unknown reason. Maybe it was schooling. Anyway, after putting away. Directional and Delusion Aspects. The purpose was to come back to it. Not just to show a difference. Or if there was any, but more so the process of coming to terms. I wanted to ajoin both Directional and Delusion Aspects and Low Rent Sabbatical together. Not saying this was going to happen but it was a general concept. Beginning with the sentence, "Is it worth it?"

There were jokes in my blog. But the nature of it's content was taken very literary . No one knew what to do or think. Not to mention, no knew me for who I was. My personality. Also, I did sound a little. What is the word I am looking for here? Oh yes, INSANE! The comments I got from people were. A complex person. Or very misunderstood. With a childish essence, or outlook. I could blame this on myself. Of course, no one wanted to take the time out to understand. Which is all to common with people. They had there own problems or issues to worry about. To self involved to even bother.

To describe me a bit, if you haven't gotten the jist already! By reading this blog. I use humor to deflect any given tragedy. My sarcastic character can be seen on my wish list provied on this profile. Even though, the low self esteem jokes about myself seem a bit distasteful. It's the only way I knew how to process tragedy. Not to mention, I feel that if I agknowledge it. That no one can use it againt me, because it's already known. I have already beaten them to it.

Examples, I always use to say. "I am half hispanic and half white trash. Destined to be low income for the rest of my life!" Now with all the knowledge that I have. I can't even say that joke anymore. I don't know who my real father is. Not to mention, what his genetics are. Or if there is any living relatives, like a twin brother or half brother. I will chat more about that subject matter later. So, to be honest, maybe it's a good thing. I don't tell that joke.

Another dispicable joke, which a lot of people could not believe that this came out of my mouth. Was the, "All I ever wanted in life" antic. Now, this one always put anyone in awarkward place. But first, lets give credit to where it's due. Remember the movie. Josh Whedons, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." The one with Luke Perry and Kristy Swanson. Remember the scene where she points out what she want's in life. Well, that where I got that joke from. "All I ever wanted in life. Was to write a book, go see Italy, Marry my retired gay porn star boyfriend, Have three houseboi's, two cats, a dog and DIE! Now you might not think that is so great but I think it's perfect. I mean at least the sex would be decent!

The point of that joke was to show how low my expectations were. Not how high, if there were any high expections there. Not to mention. I did have a low rent version of a porn star boyfriend. Also does the web cam model count too? Hell, looking back at my life. I realized that I should have set my goals just a bit higher. I should have went for a Treasure Island Media model instead. Joking here!!! No offence to anyone either in T.I.M. or the company. I mean really it's not like I was setting my sites higher then what they were suppose to be. Like a lawyer or a doctor. Anyway, the point of the joke has made clear.

There are only three true intentions that I really want to come out of all this. Number three, to point out that I'm not trying to milk this cry baby story for money. If any money ever came my way for this idea. I would want it all to go to charity. Any charity, that is at least gay affiliated. Now, there is sub reasoning behind that. Just in case. Since I know how these people really are. If anyone sewed, the money would be already gone. I would rather stay in welfare hell. Then let anyone get it, especially those who contributed to my downfalling. At least with a charity, it will go to someone else who can benefit from it.

Number two, influence. For anyone who wants to listen or learn from it. Or not. The point is that in one way or another, the person who even reads a few sentences. Will be influenced. Wether they choose to believe it or not.

The number one reason and it is a bit selfish. Is for myself. To be able to open a book or open a web site. Look at the dedication page, and be able to read. "This is for myself. For once, you finally did something right! In your whole fucked up life!" This is not my way of turning my shit into gold. It's my way of just turning my shit into bronze.

So I will repeat it one more time, "Is it really worth it?" Well, by the time that I start from the beginning, and go threw some aspects in a way of Chronological order. At least I hope, it will make more sense. To place doubt and to show a pattern that I can only see. Also, anyone who reads this will have the endding already in mind. "WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?"

DREAMS. YOU DECIDE WHAT THEY MEAN.

To wander off or away from the topic is something I should do once in awhile. To show what's in my head and what on my unconscious mind. Since I been around only a certain type of intellect. I can tell you how certain people like to play deceptive practices. But to say the least, that is part of the human condition. To get others to amitt things. Or how they play these games to get others to change there ways. For there own favors or benefits. Well here is one instances. Why we don't play with other people's heads. In a nut shell, it's turns back on them. Or it back fires.

As for this blog, if I tell everything at once. Say what's on top of my head. It will comsume me. So I figured. If I write a rough copy of what the topic is and then come back to it a week or two later. It would refrain me from looking like a total mess. Oh, too late! I tired not to look into the meanings of these dreams. Or to go to much in depth. But these dreams do have to do with my subconscious mind. So someone who knows me very well, could try but I have to say. "GOOD LUCK! YOUR GOING TO NEED IT!".

So I will disclose four of mental pictures. Anyone can comment on them if they desire. The first vision that adhere. Is one, that has to do when I was back in High school. My last year after my family abandon me. It was a couple of months before I graduated. I was in a class room staring at a book that laid on the desk in front of me. The class room was empty and there was nothing on the blackboard. The lights were on and the windows had blinds covering them.

The book that laided in front of me was thick and laden. The title of this hard covered copy. This light brown novel. Was, "My Future". In gold lettering. I opened the book and the pages were pure white. All of them. Nothing was written on them. They were just blank white pages. The novel was unwritten.

After the "Class of 2001", Graduated. I had the same dream again. This time when I opened the book, the pages were black. Pitch black, almost surreal. When I awoke from this dream. I knew that my future life was going to be very lurid. No matter how optimistic people were. Even if there were content times depending on the prespective. I knew, I was only lieing to myself. Like most humans do. If not all. Not saying I was doomed, but there were going to be a lot of nebulous times. That the extent in the past. That was so pure white. Were over now.

Now please, cast no bullshit compassion for that dream. That was long ago, not to mention a time when I was naive. No benevolence. Or forbearance. This next dream was around a half a year ago. A darken room with black sheets. I was on my hands and knees. Focusing at a intense gray cement wall. Completely stark naked, looking like something out a dark gay porn. No offence to gay porn. Just that how the dream was. Anyway,I felt someone loom over me and cup my balls. Rubbing them gently. As if someone would rub there pets head, who was starving attention. The hairs on my body stood up with pleasure and sudden fear.

Curiosity plauged my head, as his hands ran up my back, to my neck. It was gentle and slow, then with one swift motion. He grabbed me by the hair and yanked it back. My whole body swung to a falling motion . With a small yelp. I fell to the cement floor, hard. Collapsing right onto my face. It knocked the wind out of me. Tears fell from my eyes and my body laid paralized.

The darken figure loomed over me, and picked up my head with both hands. Blood started to pour from my broken nose. Spilling all over the floor and running down my face. Starting to sob the figured let my head go as it hit the floor once again with a "thud"! "Now stay there!" he griped. He walked over me. His foot steps made the room echoed.

A few minutes later, after some loud shuffeling and laughing. He came back, with something. The man set something right in front of me. As he stepped over me. My naked body started to shake more so then before. Almost to a point of trembling. I felt the man sit on my back and then pull my head up, once again. What I could make out. Besides the puddle of blood leaking all over. Dripping into a puddle I was lying at. Was a camcorder. It was on, I could see the red light blinking. Pulling my head back more so, the man whispered something into my ear. "Now, let everyone see!"

Maybe I should stop watching horror films for awhile! LOL. The next one is something a little less sinister. I'm in a white room, NOT PADDED! Sitiing on a white hospital bed. The lighting is bright, but I could see a door at one end of the room. With a gold knob. It was on my left hand side. Above the door was a loud speaker. I walked over to the door and tried it. Locked.

Turning back, I saw a two way mirror above the bed. Knowing there was someone behind that mirror. I walked up to it quickly. Not even, looking at my own reflection. I paided no attention to that. Odd don't you think? You would ponder. I would at least be a bit conceded in my dreams. That's when I heard them from the loud speaker. The voices, very quite. Whispers. Almost too faint to hear.

" Crazy, Psycho!" a voice whispered. Sounded like a male. Or was it a female?
"Crack, fucking tard!" A female voice said something. "Crack Already!" The voices on the speaker grew louder and louder. A buzzing from the speaker, grew too. They were doing it intentionality. So I would have to hear them. Covering my ears, I backed away from the mirror. To the middle of the white room, curling into a ball.

Over and over again. "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!"."Crazy, Psycho, CRACK!". It was almost turning into a chant. "Why wouldn't he break?". A female voice asked. " Don't worry about it, he'll break soon. He can't hold on much longer!". A male voice said with pride. "Keep it up, he'll break!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, CRACK!".

My knees started to shake, and then I finally let go. A loud rageful scream. The chanting stopped and the only thing I could hear was the loud buzzing from the speaker from above the doorway. The door opened a bit, and I could see darken figures whispering to each other. Male and females. "Did it work?" A female asked. I knew who these people were now. People from my past, ex - friends and family.The ones who betrayed me so long ago. "Did he break?"

That's when I turned and faced the door. Smiling to them and shot up my middle finger. With a sly smile, I said a loud. " WAS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?". I stood up and walked back to the bed and sat on it. Facing the doorway. Everyone was sticking there middle finger back at me, and I took both hands and did the same thing back to them. Only with more attitude.

This last dream was pretty resent. This was before I found out I was adopted but who would be able to tell away. Since it's my dream. In this one, I was in a car with some people and we went to this road house gay club out in the middle of nowhere. The parking lot was packed with cars and the music loud as hell too. The people in the car pushed me inside this club so fast I didn't even get the time to ask where we were.

They grabbed my jacket, my wallet, and cell phone. I was washed over by the sea of people on the dance floor and then I fell. To the dirty dismal ground. There was no one around. I looked at the clock which read 4:30am and ran outside. The parking lot was bare and I saw nothing. Just darken hills and pale moon light. Going back inside I sat down across from two drunking drag queens. One looked like a low rent version of Lady Bunny.

"Oh, he's so cute!" One of them said aloud as she dropped the empty cup. The other looked at me, checked me and then said. "Oh, NO HONEY! You do not want that one, he's got ISSUES! It's the reason why his freinds and family left him here. He's getting to close to the truth!" then they staggard away. I had no keys, no jacket, no phone, and no wallet. As the clubs lights cut off and left me in darkness.

Now after this sabbitical, after all the documentation. After all this bitching and complaining. I'm left with complexity. To do something about it, but it may seem resentful and spiteful. Like I'm getting back at these certain people. Let's face it. There is no higher road! Believe me, I have tired to find it. It's a illusion. We all get back each other somehow, in some way. The only thing I would want is to show the same common courtesy as those people showed me. Then after that I would never think of them again. But they can take every second of there fucking lives thinking about me. Until there existence comes to an end.

My life as I know it was all about people wanting to play mind games with my head. Not mention to have power and control. Threw manipulation. Well there is only one way to end this, take the fucking power back. There were so many rumors, half truths, and lies. Of course, no one was able to show a bit of Evidence what so ever. I had to throw myself back into the wolves den. Almost losing my sanity and life numberous times. Of course, this was by my own hand. Hoping, it didn't have to come down to this. I do have to blame myself.

But the question that comes to mind is. What am I so worried about? It's been over three years. If anybody wanted to. They could have sued by now. I know how these people think. How spiteful they really are. They would have done it already. They even pasted up the chance many times before. I know, they will not do it. WHY? Cause there "Reputation", is at stake. They wouldn't be able to come back from this. This late in there age. Victims of there own lies and I called there bluff. Cause if they could. They would be as forward as I am. So let's start again. Only this time, let's add some reasonable doubt. It's all down at the bottom of this blog people. And I will be adding more and more. Every time that I write a blog.