There are many versions to this small drama. This has gotten out of control. My story will always be on debate. I also understand this. I don't blame this incident on anyone but myself. I broke the law. Simple as that. I can tell my version over an over again. But what's use. I will let the paperwork speak for itself. There was so much going on for anyone involved, that obtaining infomation was almost impossible. I say this to anyone who wants to listen. Please take this as knowledge. I said this before. If I'm the actor in this situation, why am I suffering the victims side of PTSD.
There are 45 pages of this report. ( DOWN BELOW ) I am not going after the police department. THEY DID THERE JOB! Pointing out mistakes. Saying that the officers were in the wrong. Would be petty. It's bullshit. What I want to say, is stupid shit like my name being forged. Well, it's dumb little things, like that. In which spiteful people would take advantage of. John Halm and Cliff Mulkey made the police department look like assholes after they took his side. In my opinion.
With that said and I will repeat again. THE PAPERWORK SPEAKS FOR ITSELF! I could go on how it really was. But why? If this is an open and shut case. Don't you think they would have pressed charges. The Howell Incident is on the paper work too. Which was brought to the judges attention. Don't you think if anyone, dug a bit deeper. My ADOPTION would have came to light! There is a lot of sayings back and forth, questions which I could see why someone would get lost. I mean, really! I had a FUCKING MENTAL BRAKEDOWN, AGAIN!
This is a short entry for today. No comments or qoutes. No bitching or complaining. I'm just pointing here, right now. looking at that picture. A great Drivers License photo. Right. Have to own it! I was ready for the mental ward! Kicking, Screaming, and handcuffed to a fucking hospital bed all night. 10 fun filled hours of screams. Being video taped. Ripping out my hair, and well... etc. But that would be another blog. Hospital Records. Vol. Three!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Slap on the wrist and it's "AFTERMATH"
"There are crimes of passion and crimes of logic. The boundary between them is not clearly defined."
— Albert Camus
SOCIETY PUNISHES EX-CONVICTS FOR LIFE
America punishes its criminals harshly. Beyond rapidly rising rates of
imprisonment, offenders leave jail or prison only to be subjected to a
variety of continuing restrictions, some lasting for life.
In certain cases these restrictions reflect reasonable concerns. Who,
for example, would argue that convicted child molesters should be
allowed to work in schools or day-care centers?
But many other restrictions on ex-offenders seem aimed more at
extending punishment than serving society. Take the Higher Education
Act of 1998, which bars ex-felons from eligibility for Pell Grants,
the largest type of federal student loans.
How can ex-offenders build better lives for themselves if they are not
allowed to compete for the same kinds of educational opportunities as
everyone else?
Many of the legal barriers that extend beyond the completion of a
prison sentence were adopted by Congress or state governments as part
of the "war" on crime and drugs. These include restrictions on
occupational licensing that prevent work in many types of jobs; access
to public housing and other types of social programs aimed at the
poorest Americans, and a variety of political rights (such as the
right to vote, to serve on juries and to hold public office).
The unintended consequence of these policies can be to promote the
very circumstances that led to crime in the first place.
In fact, with a growing majority of states now making a criminal
record public information, ex-offenders are effectively being branded
for life. Much of this information is easily accessible through the
Internet or from a number of private services.
Politicians point to the cases of murderers, terrorists and serial
rapists as the frightening menace that such laws and the profusion of
information about offenders protect us from. Yet such violent
offenders account for only a tiny fraction of the people being
released from prison each year. The majority are non-violent
offenders, many convicted for the first time.
Crime policy in recent decades has emphasized harsh punishment over
rehabilitation, and the problems of prisoner re-entry have become
increasingly difficult to ignore.
The sheer number of Americans ending up in prison is
staggering.
Last year alone, more than 600,000 Americans were released from
prison. More than 14 million Americans now carry a felony conviction
on their records.
The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world, 6
to 10 times higher than that of most European countries. This
remarkable number of prisoners has led to growing bipartisan concerns
about how to help former offenders reintegrate into their
communities.
Even "tough on crime" President Bush included in his most recent State
of the Union address a surprising proposal to help ex-inmates. Dubbed
the Prisoner Re-Entry Initiative, Bush proposed to spend $300 million
over four years to help returning inmates find stable jobs and housing.
"If they can't find work, or a home, or help, they are much more
likely to commit crime and return to prison," Bush said.
The president is on the right track. Developing a more-successful
re-entry program would benefit prisoners and their families as well as
increasing public safety. Expanding job training and placement
assistance, providing help with transitional housing, and support for
counseling services would all help make reintegration much easier and
reduce the impetus to return to crime.
But the president's proposal does not go nearly far enough.
Helping ex-inmates find jobs, reconnect with their families and become
full citizens requires changes in the laws that prevent them from
achieving such goals.
Hundreds of jobs become off-limits to ex-offenders due to bonding or
licensure requirements. In many states, for example, a felony
conviction prohibits barbers, social workers, optometrists and even
car sellers from practicing their trade. Some of the largest sources
of stable employment, including the medical industry and the public
sector, impose extensive restrictions on people with criminal records.
If the goal is to move offenders from criminal activity to legitimate
employment, the proliferation of occupational restrictions serves the
wrong purpose.
Aside from the problems of finding steady work, ex-offenders face
serious challenges in securing stable housing. According to federal
housing policies, all public-housing authorities, Section 8 providers
and federally assisted housing programs are permitted or required to
deny housing to people with criminal convictions.
Private housing isn't much easier. In addition to the problem convicts
have accumulating a down payment or security deposit, many landlords
require references and criminal-history information from prospective
tenants.
For custodial parents who are sentenced to prison, loss of parental
rights becomes an increasingly common form of punishment. Two-thirds
of incarcerated women and more than half of incarcerated men are the
parents of children younger than 18. These numbers translate into more
than 1.5 million children with a parent behind bars.
Family reunification upon release is by no means guaranteed. The 1997
Adoption and Safe Families Act, for example, mandates termination of
parental rights for children who spend 15 months or more in foster
care. With average time served standing at more than 18 months, the
threat of permanent family dissolution is very real. Research has
shown foster care to be associated with a high risk of juvenile
delinquency and criminal activity, so our "protective" policies may
themselves be contributing to the next generation of offenders.
Even more alarming, people convicted of public-order offenses, drug
crimes and petty theft are thrown in with the most serious criminals
in the growing pool of ex-prisoners. In some cases the least serious
offenders are the worst off. Special provisions enacted as part of the
war on drugs impose restrictions on drug offenders that apply to no
other class of criminals. Certain restrictions on cash assistance and
food stamps, public-housing eligibility and student loans are targeted
at drug offenders.
Finally, millions of ex-offenders are also denied the most basic right
of citizenship in a democratic society: the right to vote. While we
expect ex-offenders to abide by the law, most states prevent those out
on probation or parole from voting, and 14 states prevent some or all
ex-offenders from voting for life. These restrictions are ironic
considering that almost all ex-offenders are citizens, and the Supreme
Court has repeatedly ruled that no one can be stripped of citizenship
because of a criminal offense.
Given the overwhelming problems that ex-offenders face, it is no
surprise that recidivism rates (that is, the likelihood of committing
further crimes) are so high. The costs for society, both financially
and in terms of public safety, are enormous.
http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55179
I do not have much to say today, I think the article explains alot. This is just to show some insight. What I have been fighting, and facing. This blog is my outlet. Can this be fixed? I do not know, but this is what I am leaving behind. Some sort of Low Rent Legacy. It's better then nothing!
— Albert Camus
SOCIETY PUNISHES EX-CONVICTS FOR LIFE
America punishes its criminals harshly. Beyond rapidly rising rates of
imprisonment, offenders leave jail or prison only to be subjected to a
variety of continuing restrictions, some lasting for life.
In certain cases these restrictions reflect reasonable concerns. Who,
for example, would argue that convicted child molesters should be
allowed to work in schools or day-care centers?
But many other restrictions on ex-offenders seem aimed more at
extending punishment than serving society. Take the Higher Education
Act of 1998, which bars ex-felons from eligibility for Pell Grants,
the largest type of federal student loans.
How can ex-offenders build better lives for themselves if they are not
allowed to compete for the same kinds of educational opportunities as
everyone else?
Many of the legal barriers that extend beyond the completion of a
prison sentence were adopted by Congress or state governments as part
of the "war" on crime and drugs. These include restrictions on
occupational licensing that prevent work in many types of jobs; access
to public housing and other types of social programs aimed at the
poorest Americans, and a variety of political rights (such as the
right to vote, to serve on juries and to hold public office).
The unintended consequence of these policies can be to promote the
very circumstances that led to crime in the first place.
In fact, with a growing majority of states now making a criminal
record public information, ex-offenders are effectively being branded
for life. Much of this information is easily accessible through the
Internet or from a number of private services.
Politicians point to the cases of murderers, terrorists and serial
rapists as the frightening menace that such laws and the profusion of
information about offenders protect us from. Yet such violent
offenders account for only a tiny fraction of the people being
released from prison each year. The majority are non-violent
offenders, many convicted for the first time.
Crime policy in recent decades has emphasized harsh punishment over
rehabilitation, and the problems of prisoner re-entry have become
increasingly difficult to ignore.
The sheer number of Americans ending up in prison is
staggering.
Last year alone, more than 600,000 Americans were released from
prison. More than 14 million Americans now carry a felony conviction
on their records.
The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world, 6
to 10 times higher than that of most European countries. This
remarkable number of prisoners has led to growing bipartisan concerns
about how to help former offenders reintegrate into their
communities.
Even "tough on crime" President Bush included in his most recent State
of the Union address a surprising proposal to help ex-inmates. Dubbed
the Prisoner Re-Entry Initiative, Bush proposed to spend $300 million
over four years to help returning inmates find stable jobs and housing.
"If they can't find work, or a home, or help, they are much more
likely to commit crime and return to prison," Bush said.
The president is on the right track. Developing a more-successful
re-entry program would benefit prisoners and their families as well as
increasing public safety. Expanding job training and placement
assistance, providing help with transitional housing, and support for
counseling services would all help make reintegration much easier and
reduce the impetus to return to crime.
But the president's proposal does not go nearly far enough.
Helping ex-inmates find jobs, reconnect with their families and become
full citizens requires changes in the laws that prevent them from
achieving such goals.
Hundreds of jobs become off-limits to ex-offenders due to bonding or
licensure requirements. In many states, for example, a felony
conviction prohibits barbers, social workers, optometrists and even
car sellers from practicing their trade. Some of the largest sources
of stable employment, including the medical industry and the public
sector, impose extensive restrictions on people with criminal records.
If the goal is to move offenders from criminal activity to legitimate
employment, the proliferation of occupational restrictions serves the
wrong purpose.
Aside from the problems of finding steady work, ex-offenders face
serious challenges in securing stable housing. According to federal
housing policies, all public-housing authorities, Section 8 providers
and federally assisted housing programs are permitted or required to
deny housing to people with criminal convictions.
Private housing isn't much easier. In addition to the problem convicts
have accumulating a down payment or security deposit, many landlords
require references and criminal-history information from prospective
tenants.
For custodial parents who are sentenced to prison, loss of parental
rights becomes an increasingly common form of punishment. Two-thirds
of incarcerated women and more than half of incarcerated men are the
parents of children younger than 18. These numbers translate into more
than 1.5 million children with a parent behind bars.
Family reunification upon release is by no means guaranteed. The 1997
Adoption and Safe Families Act, for example, mandates termination of
parental rights for children who spend 15 months or more in foster
care. With average time served standing at more than 18 months, the
threat of permanent family dissolution is very real. Research has
shown foster care to be associated with a high risk of juvenile
delinquency and criminal activity, so our "protective" policies may
themselves be contributing to the next generation of offenders.
Even more alarming, people convicted of public-order offenses, drug
crimes and petty theft are thrown in with the most serious criminals
in the growing pool of ex-prisoners. In some cases the least serious
offenders are the worst off. Special provisions enacted as part of the
war on drugs impose restrictions on drug offenders that apply to no
other class of criminals. Certain restrictions on cash assistance and
food stamps, public-housing eligibility and student loans are targeted
at drug offenders.
Finally, millions of ex-offenders are also denied the most basic right
of citizenship in a democratic society: the right to vote. While we
expect ex-offenders to abide by the law, most states prevent those out
on probation or parole from voting, and 14 states prevent some or all
ex-offenders from voting for life. These restrictions are ironic
considering that almost all ex-offenders are citizens, and the Supreme
Court has repeatedly ruled that no one can be stripped of citizenship
because of a criminal offense.
Given the overwhelming problems that ex-offenders face, it is no
surprise that recidivism rates (that is, the likelihood of committing
further crimes) are so high. The costs for society, both financially
and in terms of public safety, are enormous.
http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55179
I do not have much to say today, I think the article explains alot. This is just to show some insight. What I have been fighting, and facing. This blog is my outlet. Can this be fixed? I do not know, but this is what I am leaving behind. Some sort of Low Rent Legacy. It's better then nothing!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
THRASHING JUSTIFICATION AND "FUCKING" COMPOSURE / Medical Records Volume Two
What I had to say so far, most would see it as poor taste. If I was just an on looker, I would have to agree. Judging the same way. The fortitude that has gone into this blog is absurd. Just a glance, most would think this is someone wailing out, saying I was abuse. Fuck that! I have a hard time with people who use crutchs. Example, I don't mind people who use. To each there own. Go right ahead, as long as it consensual and its adult. My issue, is when people have the luxurys to get out of there own addictions. Yet, they do it over and over again. Then give everyone a lame explanation.
You ever see those programs, where you see a reform drug addict on TV. Blaming the substance. "I had the white picket fence, the three story house, the BMW, two kids, a husband and a dog and I lost it to my addiction. "BULLSHIT!" You lost everything because you believed in a lie. Your husband loves being fisted by other men, your kids molesting each other or by the fucking mail man. One is pregnant for a third time. Your in fucking debt up to your eye balls and you needed an outlet from life. So you over indulged in your substance. That's why you crashed the damn BMW threw the white picket fence. Threw the three story house, which caused a fire and killed the family fucking dog.
I feel like saying, "You do this because you don't want to deal with reality!" Which I have to say. Life does suck, but come on take some accountability for yourself. When someone reads this whole entire blog, by now a person should know where the hell I am coming from. To be able to step back and see it for what it is. I take burden for what I have done. Of course, I don't see anyone else taking their mature affairs. What the hell was I suppose to think. From what I have been threw, what I have seen. What I have obtain as knowledge. Hello! There were and still are, too many consequences.
I believe what I have to say on here is the best it going to get. Why? I had to step back yet again and reavalute the whole premise. Going threw all this crap. The Courts. The Anger management. The chaos of the state of New Jersey. Threw hospitals, and doctors. Embracing the Emotional and Psychological Trauma. For almost 4 years, I have been screaming on top of my lungs, at a camera on my netbook. Recording myself. Using this as an outlet. As my own self help therapy. So anyone who says, that it didn't work, fuck them. I said, in the old blog. The worst is yet to come. Cause I knew this was going to happen. Any person with logical common sense could predict this. I have done this before . A way of coping. I knew I would have to do this by myself. With little or no support. Face up and go threw my repression. Yet again. Knowing that there was a discernment for others spiteful intentions.
There are many situations I can divulge, the peices of dirty laundry. These are just a few aspects of what I am babbling about. I don't think sharing all my life problems, is the answer. This is not a fucking auto biography. I just want the reader to get the notion. I am just like anyone else who was forced to live in someone else's shadow. It works for some and others it does not. I had to fake it for a long time. Now looking back at it, I'm glad I took this road. I did have alot to learn. I was naive and some what simple minded. I fell down so many times. By my own hands and others. From those failures and those lessons. I did learn what the true definiton of respect and what it really meant. Also, why that these three people. Didn't not obtain that from me. The over all lesson here is. You have to keep perceived obligations and issues on good terms, no matter how small it is.
Long ago I blogged, " Your secerts are yours and mine to keep, until you fuck me over. Then our secerts become everyones else's business!" I have heard these three, banter the ten thousand and one excuses. I have never seen one of them try to fix the many problems. These three talk their game and their smack, saying whatever they wanted. Thinking they could just walk away from the problems. They had there chance in a damn court room and yet never fucking press chrages! They chicken out when it came to being an adult and taking the responablity for there own actions. Two going on a verge of a third, (Documented) break downs.
Here I am blaming myself for everything and almost deem the notion of it. To come back from those predicaments and trying to secure and solve this all by myself. To be so precise. Shangela is very accurate. When people talk bad about you, it's because they know that you are in the right. I said that in the last blog. But didn't give them the recognition, at that time. The influence of that line holds power of authority. I want to show how anything can be taken from life, from pop culture. From politic debates, etc. How something so small as a word or a sentence can be used. To help out someone. Even if the person has to take it out of context. I did say this in another blog. But hey, were always acquiring information as people. As I said before, take what you can learn. Embrace it and leave the rest behind. So thanks memebers of Drag race. I am charmed by everything said and done on the show. Also, to Shangela. Please take this as a comp. You are the man and you are the woman!
Individuals will come across these problems and issues in life. This is a fact. I am just denoting what I had to do. To either, get out of it. Or go threw it without much support. To do all of this without an addiction, as well. YES WITHOUT AN ADDICTION. NOT BIG USER HERE, there is a difference. Saying right now by thirty years old. I did considerably good. Yet, still staying true to myself and was able to morph into an entity that is more so adult. This process of mature development, in which domain and era changes. Not to mention and how a person adapts to there atmostphere and what habits they pick up. Should be to no one's surprise. But for me to be so adept to pin point my epoch period. Should say something! So if anyone can do this by themselves, without or with minor connerstone of help. Pat yourself on the back.
So for me to speak this way, to be so blunt. This is satisfactory. Remember, I have been exposed to correctional facilities and mental wards. Been around human beings who have killed for inferior motives. Not the most educated person in the vicinity. I do speak out of life experience though. My life experience. The low rent experience. As I like to call it. Anybody can do the same as well. There are far more abominable issues going on. Cancer, Aids, Etc. I find mounds of people helping with grand issues such like the ones I have stipulated and no one concentrating on the small stuff. Like themselves.
Pick yourself up, find an outlet that you can cope and control. Easier said, then done. I know. Do your means to fight back at reality and to keep your sanity. This what I have to say is volger, and a bit straight forward. I find it's exceptional for someone else to depic this as an example and comprehend from it. Knowing that sometimes assistance from groups and support systems do not always help. That your community will not have the answers, and will not be there. It happens sometimes. That's is not there fault. They are humans as well. You and you alone will have to find new ways of survival. Something like this blog maybe would have prevented many individuals from jumpping off a bridge. Or doing something far more worst. Which we all know has been accomplished by many characters. As malicious as it is to say, it's true. Why am I so equivalent because I came from that kind of product as well.
My way is not the right for everyone. I don't expect anyone to go ahead and beat the shit out of someone. No matter how much I feel the person richly deseverd it. Though to say something like this is better then me being some low primate in a jail cell ready to kill. Also, faking it along the way. ( I will tell that tragic story another time during jail records. ) So if I'm the next Bristol Palin, for gay low rent experience. (SNAP!) Then I am.
I made myself look like an asshole in front a lot of people. Have done a few nude shots with photogarphers. I had no idea what I was doing. This was for me to feel myself out, not to mention to explore my sexuality. It happens in your twentys. Others, thirtys. Depends. Can I be honest. If I was going for strung out two dollar gay hooker. I hit the nail on the head. Also my ridiculous appearance in front of one of the biggest names in the gay porn was pathetic. I will not mention their name either. Don't think they would want associated with something some feeble and inadequate. Just for everyone to know, nothing happen. Professional as hell. But really come on, no one was going to touch me anyway with a twenty inch dildo. ( Laugh please, I am. ) There is an upside though. A commodity, to say the least.
It took me sometime to learn. I don't know if they use the qoute anymore. "Good publicity or bad publicity. It is still all publicity!" To understand concept fully but make it work for myself. Maybe way off the chart here but please follow my logic. These three assholes talked so much game, that I knew it would catch up to them. So if they made a big deal about it now. They will look like hypocrites. Oh shit, wait a minute. They already are. I had accept the negative feed back and those labels. Of course, knowing as well. They would not be able to take all that scrutiny. After awhile, I acknowledge I would sooner or later get to the other side of that spectrum. It was just going to take some time, some sanity, and some maturity.
They also did something that most people did not do. They were an arrogant bastard to my face. That's where I have to give the once over thank you. Safe to say, that porn was not the concept for me at that time, maybe it never will. I do have a baffling appreciation for someone like that and anyone else who comes into play of that after thought. Ha! Being a strong minded man. You gonna have to be. To put up with my crazy shit. Either your fucking mentally deranged or you must really love me. The person must really think I am worth their time. Also, I should conclude the same about them.
At the time, that I was throwing over fourty pills in my mouth, I went numb. I am not just talking about the after effects. Not because of what I have generally done in my past. Or that I was abused since the age of four years old. (wink, rolling eyes.) I wasn't even thinking about that. Everyone had given up on me and I had to review there reasons why. Not to mention why I was giving up on myself. My life bit hard. I was at my wits end. I had a weak moment, which this was not the first. Those who are at that point or feeling that temptation , will know what I am talking about. Anyone who says they never been at this point in there own existance, is lieing. It happens to EVERYONE! It is as normal as taken a shit. Don't let anyone tell you different. Now, let's hit the Roxy story one last time. Which was before my second apartment at country side place, the many photographs, making myself into a total asshole, or embracing majority all those brands as what people have placed upon me.
It's remarkable when a song triggers a memory. It is still displeasing to hear though.( Shiny disco balls. By Who da Funk. On the playlist.) The modest span of my club haydays. I was just a nobody. New Years Eve. This specific holiday, now hold me captive. I get wasted enough so I am ignorant to a count down and the rest of the night. That evening, I had two cheap one dollar drinks in my system which did not have that much of affect. Hollywood, Cliff, and I got to the club early. No one was there. I'd danced on the floor beening my naive self. After awhile, I started to get thirsty and went up to the bar. I wanted a bottle of water. Cliff gave me his instead. Which was already opened. There was my fatal mistake. Most boys and girls at this time period will learn this lesson in there own lives.
Now, I remember mother dearest 2.0's phrase." Never put your drink down or look away. Cause it's never going to be yours!" I was pretty good about it, until that dimday. I know that I'm not the first that this has happen too. Many guys my age have been threw the same. Some delete from there head. Others relive it. The rest even pride themselves on it. I just brush it off. Oh well comes with the turf. If it was anybody else, or even if I knew about it. Then I would gotten over it. Since I was sound about keeping my drinks with me though, and knew it came from his hand delibrately. Not to mention what happen afterwards. I do blame him. Within minutes, I lost track of time, never mind a count down. I was lucky to even stay balanced. The reader by now should be able to guess what happend on that balcony.
The whispered saying, " Welcome to New York! " Is still to this day, on debate by many. My claims and accuations the same. The dizzyness plus throwing up of water onto the dance floor. Also, by the entrance was not my highest point at very packed club. Does anyone get the picture yet. What pissed me off the most is how many times I confronted him on it. I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Afterwards of years of many different excuses. Like the bartender did it. Your being paranoid. You were Drunk! Excuse me! The fucking bartender looks like a dreamy Calvin Klein model. I high doubt that. I am not being paranoid, not to mention I was drunk. Yeah right!
After years of arguements, the many issues that happened afterwards, and the games he played. I'm surprised I didn't fucking kill him in his sleep. I have to say I do have a high tolerance for twisted insanity. Anyone who doesn't agree with me by now. Well gee.. don't be to shocked when you find my young ass with the bitter old queens at the end of the bar. Quoting Ethel Merman. " Here's ten dollars, ... GO FUCK YOURSELF! " The Roxy and those events were never the problem. I did had awesome time there. I was just stuck on an issue I could not comprehend. So please, if your bitch who can relate. Stop yourself and play this song on the playlist by Frankee. Fuck you right back. There some power there. Then continue on.
I am sorry to all of those people who had to hear my late night / early morning screams. It's hard to keep that kind of composure with not much support. Also trying to do your own treatment. For those who are lost, if this is your best way. Please learn from me. Or at least try. Another example of people who might not understand. Is Meridian Health care. Record is down below. It was over in Red Bank. At the time. Right across from the hospital. I was living by myself at countryside place. Cliff had me considering, that I need to get help. I still didn't fully trust my mother and not to mention that phone call with Marlena's cell phone.
I went into Meridian Behavioral Health Clinic, and filled out the forms. Saw this intake worker who was gay. Before I go any futher. To anyone who is about to do the same as I did. Take into consideration, when you go shooting your mouth off. Your going to be label. Be prepared and make sure you don't have any false hopes. I blabbed anything and everything that came to mind. You have to be open minded when it come to this line of work, I know. After the chat, I was told to sit outside in the waiting room. I was about to sit down. When the urge to suddenly piss, hit me. I walked to the front desk. Asked where the restroom was. The receptionist pointed me to the other hallway. Just as I rounded the conner, I saw the same in take worker walk into his Supervisors office. The rest room was a few doors down on the other side of that hallway. The door was a bit open. I just so happen to eavesdrop on what they were saying.
The laughter that came from that office was discouraging enough. Especially, when my name was involved. I pushed myself back, felt that moment of dread. That sinking feeling, that no one can help me now. I didn't have to piss anymore and my walk accelerated. Never returning to that hospital and vowing never to fully trust another medical professional as long as I live. Here is another kicker, a couple of days later. I got call from the intake worker. Saying that he would like me to come to one of his group sessions. Does anyone see the reason why, I didn't return the call. Rousseau and Dorthany Parker once said, This book is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. Well here I am, once again! Takening it out of context and making work for me. THIS BLOG IS NOT TO BE TOSSED LIGHTLY ASIDE. BUT TO BE HURLED WITH GREAT FORCE! Now, I leave it up to the reader to decide. Whom it will be metaphoricly be HURLED at?
There were two times in my era that I lived at the countryside place. A low income complex in Howell, New Jersey. Off the long strech of Route 9 and West Farms road. Behind the Home depot. Surrounded by tralier parks and farm land. Five o' clock in the morning you can hear the roasters crow and the birds chirp. Sometimes, before dawn, before work. With a cup of coffee in a cheap green cermaic mug. I'd sit on the cemment and watch the sun rise. With all the crazyness. The insanity. Of life and the many problems and issues. This was where things made sense. Where there was no complexity. Where I could enjoy myself. Be at peace, even for 15 minutes the most. I like to call this. My down time.
The first time I lived at countryside. Was with an ex boyfriend of mine. A vast decade older then me. I was basicly on my own by now. My parents had already left for PA. I still had to finish high school. Some friends did help me cope. Staying at there place. Until the issues subsided. The school borad understood what I was going threw. The white trash gay boy, who's parents left him. Cause of his own problems that he brought upon himself. Cliff did come around at this time, not to say there wasn't bliss but there is a price for such emotions. My ex had anger issues as well, since it was like taking care of a kid. Hell, like. It was. Since I was only a senior with no clue. Who had a mental collapse just a few months ago. Went threw court, etc. Of course, that is no excuse.
The companionship between my ex and I endded badly. Cliff did not break us up. I did. It was out of some gay melodramtic drama. Years later, I did meet my ex yet again. We did get a chance to squash the shit that was between us and put it behind. I would have gotten pissed too. I do hope he is doing well, and to those others that I left it on good or bad terms but we have reconciled. Thank you. For the many precious times and those few atrocious periods. To say you have to pick your own battles, is yet understatement but which ones to hold a grudge too. Is another. You 'll see what I mean.
The second time, I was at country side place. I lived in a small studio apt. Cliff and I had made our split and I did have somewhat contact with my mother. I already caught Cliff and Hollywood with the many excuses of fooling around with each other and other men. Not to mention the Roxy thing already happened. How I caught him was way simple. When I was living with him at the habour club. I went into his closet to get a shirt for work. One of his shirts in the way back of the of the closet started crinkled and crunched. It was coming from his shirt pocket. Grabbing it, I found 14 condoms.
Que in the dramatics. I did call my mother at the time. I ask for advice. We were somewhat on speaking terms. Then I came to the small plan of putting them back. Now there wouldn't such a problem, if he didn't have a shower bag full of over 30 or so condoms in his bathroom. There was no reason to hide the shirt, unless he was being dishonest. So to make a long story short. I went to work. Working for a company called Charlotte Russe. I made a call over to Cliff on my lunch break and Hollywood was over. The next day, Cliff went to work. I went into his closet, and pullled out the shirt. 11 condoms left.
Like any relationship, any person knows it's going to have it issues. But these, are where problems lie. The roxy story happened. Cliff is talking his game. Saying his many white trash phrases. Hollywood aka John Halm is manipulating the issue. Let alone, Cliff as well. Fucking codeine and cough syrup sociopath. Mother dearest 2.0 is still spiteful and trying to get back at me. Using my ssn number and talking her game as well. Everyone is being dishonest and pushing me to believe that I'm paraniod. Saying I'm the trouble maker, I'm insane, working on my insecuritys and I'm letting them. The bullshit had to stop somewhere. So when I write this shit. To those three, remember. What I have to say are just labels and words. IT WON'T FUCKING HURT YOU!
Anyway, I think the readers would also want to know why I have such a profound respect for prostitutes. Maybe it's because I did the same kind of work just for a few months. Another excuse for Cliff, Hollywood, and my mother to use against me. Here is the reason why it will not work. I was with Cliff before I started to do what he like to call, Hookering it! Mother dearest 2.0 already used my ssn number, and it's already stated and proved as a fact on my credit report. Picture down below.
How I got into it was pretty simple. My last job I was let go from. To say the least not the smartest lad of the bunch. I would see why they would push me out. I had bills to pay. I answer an ad in the newspaper for a driver. Surprise, it was for an escort business. This was around the early spring. The money was and easy. The only thing I had to do, was sit back and wait for the girl. If there was a sign of trouble, we had a code. she get out of there and we take off. I get small percentage, the girl would get her cut, and the pimp would get his.
One night, I got call from the pimp. ( Can I say this pimp was goodlooking, not model wise. But very good looking. ) He mention that he has a client who wants a guy. I asked him why didn't he do it himself. " He wants younger, you interested? ". I thought about it for a minute, the rent is due in a few days. Not to mention I was jobless. So fuck it. I told the pimp, which now he became my pimp. "I'll be ready in a hour!" I'm not going to go to much of what happened that evening or what I had to do. To say that it was degrating. Is bullshit. There was nothing degrading about it. Did I like it? Lets just say, I go back and forth. I can owned up to it with a chuckle. I still did the driver thing for a couple more weeks and a client here and there. Then I did something which made everything awkward. I slept with my good looking pimp. Let's just say, my inexperienece surrpasted me. Yet his did too. Afterwards, I debated about my placement in his company. It endded there.
By then, I started pimping myself out, now having no work what so ever. Oh I was ever so fucking clever. ( Sarcasm here. ) I would be more like a massage therapist. To be honest, let's drop the massage part. In calls and out calls. My little low rent ways did place some good looking clients to which I even had to ask myself, "Why are you even paying me?" I should be paying them. Some of the men that walked threw my doorway. Oh my lord if he exists. I had a nice small income as well. Leanred something too. They all need an outlet. Just for that hour. They needed to get away from the hysteria of the reality. From the world that they created. Hard to believe, for some yes. Others, no. You have to put yourself in that situation, to comprehend. Some of the stories I have heard were heart breaking. Others just pityful excuses. The whole idea about it, they all had there problems and felt they were at fault. Wether if they were or weren't. Their drug addict partner, doesn't give them that pleasure anymore. They are separated. Being around them makes them depressed and they tried working on it for years. They have different expections about money. Not just sexually, but mental and emotional too.
Cliff by now knew about what I was doing and lets just say the car problems started to happen again. So this is where abouts things stared to make a turn, and now I was fighting again. Struggling, money finally stopped. Cliff stared to appear more so, mother dearest and her daughters phone call. That's when I came to that conclusion. That one night, thinking about that phone call. The roxy story. The lies. The cars. The problems my mother put me threw. The ssn being used. Etc. Etc. Etc. Not to mention where I was at in life. See the patterns, see what I am talking about. For somweone to say I don't know people. Is bullshit! In my small era, I have gone threw my fair share of shit. The last point in my life at countryside, sitting at a cheap Ikea table. This is where the plan was kicked into effect. The book was born, even as an idea.
We all have defining moments in our lives. Those turning points. Sometimes, it's right in a court room. Others, when we wake up from a nightmare. Even when it's on the brink of death. I remember I said to someone. Death is the inevitable. I hope that person figured the rest out like I had too when he pasted a comment to me. "So live it for what it is!" Stupid but true. I think this moment was mine. To turn the tables and make them eat there words. No matter what the cost was. So to say this is done in poor taste. I don't think so. I would rather be a Chemically induced drug mule in the most low rent revolting gay snuff film. Then go back to these three assholes. It is very well, extreme. But here is the reason I say this. There is nothing like freewill and being knowledgeable, and knowing where you come from. At least. Now, I know why. Compared to being with those three. Who kept me in the dark about everything. Who have denied me, from who I am. Not to mention, manipulating me into something that was not true from the get go. What I had to indure to find out the truth myself and to be overall right. PLEASE! ( Snap! ) It's the fucking principle of this matter that pisses me off. So why the hell, should I let it go.
So, I might have a askew preception on sex industry, drugs, people, therapy, life etc. Hey, at least I have an improved appreciatation, then most. We can say a lot didn't work out for me but it makse me a bit more confidant in myself. To at least struggle to live to the next day. Which I am proud to amitt that. Also, this will help with the next partner if there maybe one. Cause he might feel those overall emotions but at least he knows what he's is getting into. Also, I conclude he will know just like anyone else who crosses my path. Why am I so guarded and I believe such a statement holds so much truth. No man is ever a man complete without his bitch! Meaning, you are nothing without your fucking partner. Period!
You ever see those programs, where you see a reform drug addict on TV. Blaming the substance. "I had the white picket fence, the three story house, the BMW, two kids, a husband and a dog and I lost it to my addiction. "BULLSHIT!" You lost everything because you believed in a lie. Your husband loves being fisted by other men, your kids molesting each other or by the fucking mail man. One is pregnant for a third time. Your in fucking debt up to your eye balls and you needed an outlet from life. So you over indulged in your substance. That's why you crashed the damn BMW threw the white picket fence. Threw the three story house, which caused a fire and killed the family fucking dog.
I feel like saying, "You do this because you don't want to deal with reality!" Which I have to say. Life does suck, but come on take some accountability for yourself. When someone reads this whole entire blog, by now a person should know where the hell I am coming from. To be able to step back and see it for what it is. I take burden for what I have done. Of course, I don't see anyone else taking their mature affairs. What the hell was I suppose to think. From what I have been threw, what I have seen. What I have obtain as knowledge. Hello! There were and still are, too many consequences.
I believe what I have to say on here is the best it going to get. Why? I had to step back yet again and reavalute the whole premise. Going threw all this crap. The Courts. The Anger management. The chaos of the state of New Jersey. Threw hospitals, and doctors. Embracing the Emotional and Psychological Trauma. For almost 4 years, I have been screaming on top of my lungs, at a camera on my netbook. Recording myself. Using this as an outlet. As my own self help therapy. So anyone who says, that it didn't work, fuck them. I said, in the old blog. The worst is yet to come. Cause I knew this was going to happen. Any person with logical common sense could predict this. I have done this before . A way of coping. I knew I would have to do this by myself. With little or no support. Face up and go threw my repression. Yet again. Knowing that there was a discernment for others spiteful intentions.
There are many situations I can divulge, the peices of dirty laundry. These are just a few aspects of what I am babbling about. I don't think sharing all my life problems, is the answer. This is not a fucking auto biography. I just want the reader to get the notion. I am just like anyone else who was forced to live in someone else's shadow. It works for some and others it does not. I had to fake it for a long time. Now looking back at it, I'm glad I took this road. I did have alot to learn. I was naive and some what simple minded. I fell down so many times. By my own hands and others. From those failures and those lessons. I did learn what the true definiton of respect and what it really meant. Also, why that these three people. Didn't not obtain that from me. The over all lesson here is. You have to keep perceived obligations and issues on good terms, no matter how small it is.
Long ago I blogged, " Your secerts are yours and mine to keep, until you fuck me over. Then our secerts become everyones else's business!" I have heard these three, banter the ten thousand and one excuses. I have never seen one of them try to fix the many problems. These three talk their game and their smack, saying whatever they wanted. Thinking they could just walk away from the problems. They had there chance in a damn court room and yet never fucking press chrages! They chicken out when it came to being an adult and taking the responablity for there own actions. Two going on a verge of a third, (Documented) break downs.
Here I am blaming myself for everything and almost deem the notion of it. To come back from those predicaments and trying to secure and solve this all by myself. To be so precise. Shangela is very accurate. When people talk bad about you, it's because they know that you are in the right. I said that in the last blog. But didn't give them the recognition, at that time. The influence of that line holds power of authority. I want to show how anything can be taken from life, from pop culture. From politic debates, etc. How something so small as a word or a sentence can be used. To help out someone. Even if the person has to take it out of context. I did say this in another blog. But hey, were always acquiring information as people. As I said before, take what you can learn. Embrace it and leave the rest behind. So thanks memebers of Drag race. I am charmed by everything said and done on the show. Also, to Shangela. Please take this as a comp. You are the man and you are the woman!
Individuals will come across these problems and issues in life. This is a fact. I am just denoting what I had to do. To either, get out of it. Or go threw it without much support. To do all of this without an addiction, as well. YES WITHOUT AN ADDICTION. NOT BIG USER HERE, there is a difference. Saying right now by thirty years old. I did considerably good. Yet, still staying true to myself and was able to morph into an entity that is more so adult. This process of mature development, in which domain and era changes. Not to mention and how a person adapts to there atmostphere and what habits they pick up. Should be to no one's surprise. But for me to be so adept to pin point my epoch period. Should say something! So if anyone can do this by themselves, without or with minor connerstone of help. Pat yourself on the back.
So for me to speak this way, to be so blunt. This is satisfactory. Remember, I have been exposed to correctional facilities and mental wards. Been around human beings who have killed for inferior motives. Not the most educated person in the vicinity. I do speak out of life experience though. My life experience. The low rent experience. As I like to call it. Anybody can do the same as well. There are far more abominable issues going on. Cancer, Aids, Etc. I find mounds of people helping with grand issues such like the ones I have stipulated and no one concentrating on the small stuff. Like themselves.
Pick yourself up, find an outlet that you can cope and control. Easier said, then done. I know. Do your means to fight back at reality and to keep your sanity. This what I have to say is volger, and a bit straight forward. I find it's exceptional for someone else to depic this as an example and comprehend from it. Knowing that sometimes assistance from groups and support systems do not always help. That your community will not have the answers, and will not be there. It happens sometimes. That's is not there fault. They are humans as well. You and you alone will have to find new ways of survival. Something like this blog maybe would have prevented many individuals from jumpping off a bridge. Or doing something far more worst. Which we all know has been accomplished by many characters. As malicious as it is to say, it's true. Why am I so equivalent because I came from that kind of product as well.
My way is not the right for everyone. I don't expect anyone to go ahead and beat the shit out of someone. No matter how much I feel the person richly deseverd it. Though to say something like this is better then me being some low primate in a jail cell ready to kill. Also, faking it along the way. ( I will tell that tragic story another time during jail records. ) So if I'm the next Bristol Palin, for gay low rent experience. (SNAP!) Then I am.
I made myself look like an asshole in front a lot of people. Have done a few nude shots with photogarphers. I had no idea what I was doing. This was for me to feel myself out, not to mention to explore my sexuality. It happens in your twentys. Others, thirtys. Depends. Can I be honest. If I was going for strung out two dollar gay hooker. I hit the nail on the head. Also my ridiculous appearance in front of one of the biggest names in the gay porn was pathetic. I will not mention their name either. Don't think they would want associated with something some feeble and inadequate. Just for everyone to know, nothing happen. Professional as hell. But really come on, no one was going to touch me anyway with a twenty inch dildo. ( Laugh please, I am. ) There is an upside though. A commodity, to say the least.
It took me sometime to learn. I don't know if they use the qoute anymore. "Good publicity or bad publicity. It is still all publicity!" To understand concept fully but make it work for myself. Maybe way off the chart here but please follow my logic. These three assholes talked so much game, that I knew it would catch up to them. So if they made a big deal about it now. They will look like hypocrites. Oh shit, wait a minute. They already are. I had accept the negative feed back and those labels. Of course, knowing as well. They would not be able to take all that scrutiny. After awhile, I acknowledge I would sooner or later get to the other side of that spectrum. It was just going to take some time, some sanity, and some maturity.
They also did something that most people did not do. They were an arrogant bastard to my face. That's where I have to give the once over thank you. Safe to say, that porn was not the concept for me at that time, maybe it never will. I do have a baffling appreciation for someone like that and anyone else who comes into play of that after thought. Ha! Being a strong minded man. You gonna have to be. To put up with my crazy shit. Either your fucking mentally deranged or you must really love me. The person must really think I am worth their time. Also, I should conclude the same about them.
At the time, that I was throwing over fourty pills in my mouth, I went numb. I am not just talking about the after effects. Not because of what I have generally done in my past. Or that I was abused since the age of four years old. (wink, rolling eyes.) I wasn't even thinking about that. Everyone had given up on me and I had to review there reasons why. Not to mention why I was giving up on myself. My life bit hard. I was at my wits end. I had a weak moment, which this was not the first. Those who are at that point or feeling that temptation , will know what I am talking about. Anyone who says they never been at this point in there own existance, is lieing. It happens to EVERYONE! It is as normal as taken a shit. Don't let anyone tell you different. Now, let's hit the Roxy story one last time. Which was before my second apartment at country side place, the many photographs, making myself into a total asshole, or embracing majority all those brands as what people have placed upon me.
It's remarkable when a song triggers a memory. It is still displeasing to hear though.( Shiny disco balls. By Who da Funk. On the playlist.) The modest span of my club haydays. I was just a nobody. New Years Eve. This specific holiday, now hold me captive. I get wasted enough so I am ignorant to a count down and the rest of the night. That evening, I had two cheap one dollar drinks in my system which did not have that much of affect. Hollywood, Cliff, and I got to the club early. No one was there. I'd danced on the floor beening my naive self. After awhile, I started to get thirsty and went up to the bar. I wanted a bottle of water. Cliff gave me his instead. Which was already opened. There was my fatal mistake. Most boys and girls at this time period will learn this lesson in there own lives.
Now, I remember mother dearest 2.0's phrase." Never put your drink down or look away. Cause it's never going to be yours!" I was pretty good about it, until that dimday. I know that I'm not the first that this has happen too. Many guys my age have been threw the same. Some delete from there head. Others relive it. The rest even pride themselves on it. I just brush it off. Oh well comes with the turf. If it was anybody else, or even if I knew about it. Then I would gotten over it. Since I was sound about keeping my drinks with me though, and knew it came from his hand delibrately. Not to mention what happen afterwards. I do blame him. Within minutes, I lost track of time, never mind a count down. I was lucky to even stay balanced. The reader by now should be able to guess what happend on that balcony.
The whispered saying, " Welcome to New York! " Is still to this day, on debate by many. My claims and accuations the same. The dizzyness plus throwing up of water onto the dance floor. Also, by the entrance was not my highest point at very packed club. Does anyone get the picture yet. What pissed me off the most is how many times I confronted him on it. I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Afterwards of years of many different excuses. Like the bartender did it. Your being paranoid. You were Drunk! Excuse me! The fucking bartender looks like a dreamy Calvin Klein model. I high doubt that. I am not being paranoid, not to mention I was drunk. Yeah right!
After years of arguements, the many issues that happened afterwards, and the games he played. I'm surprised I didn't fucking kill him in his sleep. I have to say I do have a high tolerance for twisted insanity. Anyone who doesn't agree with me by now. Well gee.. don't be to shocked when you find my young ass with the bitter old queens at the end of the bar. Quoting Ethel Merman. " Here's ten dollars, ... GO FUCK YOURSELF! " The Roxy and those events were never the problem. I did had awesome time there. I was just stuck on an issue I could not comprehend. So please, if your bitch who can relate. Stop yourself and play this song on the playlist by Frankee. Fuck you right back. There some power there. Then continue on.
I am sorry to all of those people who had to hear my late night / early morning screams. It's hard to keep that kind of composure with not much support. Also trying to do your own treatment. For those who are lost, if this is your best way. Please learn from me. Or at least try. Another example of people who might not understand. Is Meridian Health care. Record is down below. It was over in Red Bank. At the time. Right across from the hospital. I was living by myself at countryside place. Cliff had me considering, that I need to get help. I still didn't fully trust my mother and not to mention that phone call with Marlena's cell phone.
I went into Meridian Behavioral Health Clinic, and filled out the forms. Saw this intake worker who was gay. Before I go any futher. To anyone who is about to do the same as I did. Take into consideration, when you go shooting your mouth off. Your going to be label. Be prepared and make sure you don't have any false hopes. I blabbed anything and everything that came to mind. You have to be open minded when it come to this line of work, I know. After the chat, I was told to sit outside in the waiting room. I was about to sit down. When the urge to suddenly piss, hit me. I walked to the front desk. Asked where the restroom was. The receptionist pointed me to the other hallway. Just as I rounded the conner, I saw the same in take worker walk into his Supervisors office. The rest room was a few doors down on the other side of that hallway. The door was a bit open. I just so happen to eavesdrop on what they were saying.
The laughter that came from that office was discouraging enough. Especially, when my name was involved. I pushed myself back, felt that moment of dread. That sinking feeling, that no one can help me now. I didn't have to piss anymore and my walk accelerated. Never returning to that hospital and vowing never to fully trust another medical professional as long as I live. Here is another kicker, a couple of days later. I got call from the intake worker. Saying that he would like me to come to one of his group sessions. Does anyone see the reason why, I didn't return the call. Rousseau and Dorthany Parker once said, This book is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. Well here I am, once again! Takening it out of context and making work for me. THIS BLOG IS NOT TO BE TOSSED LIGHTLY ASIDE. BUT TO BE HURLED WITH GREAT FORCE! Now, I leave it up to the reader to decide. Whom it will be metaphoricly be HURLED at?
There were two times in my era that I lived at the countryside place. A low income complex in Howell, New Jersey. Off the long strech of Route 9 and West Farms road. Behind the Home depot. Surrounded by tralier parks and farm land. Five o' clock in the morning you can hear the roasters crow and the birds chirp. Sometimes, before dawn, before work. With a cup of coffee in a cheap green cermaic mug. I'd sit on the cemment and watch the sun rise. With all the crazyness. The insanity. Of life and the many problems and issues. This was where things made sense. Where there was no complexity. Where I could enjoy myself. Be at peace, even for 15 minutes the most. I like to call this. My down time.
The first time I lived at countryside. Was with an ex boyfriend of mine. A vast decade older then me. I was basicly on my own by now. My parents had already left for PA. I still had to finish high school. Some friends did help me cope. Staying at there place. Until the issues subsided. The school borad understood what I was going threw. The white trash gay boy, who's parents left him. Cause of his own problems that he brought upon himself. Cliff did come around at this time, not to say there wasn't bliss but there is a price for such emotions. My ex had anger issues as well, since it was like taking care of a kid. Hell, like. It was. Since I was only a senior with no clue. Who had a mental collapse just a few months ago. Went threw court, etc. Of course, that is no excuse.
The companionship between my ex and I endded badly. Cliff did not break us up. I did. It was out of some gay melodramtic drama. Years later, I did meet my ex yet again. We did get a chance to squash the shit that was between us and put it behind. I would have gotten pissed too. I do hope he is doing well, and to those others that I left it on good or bad terms but we have reconciled. Thank you. For the many precious times and those few atrocious periods. To say you have to pick your own battles, is yet understatement but which ones to hold a grudge too. Is another. You 'll see what I mean.
The second time, I was at country side place. I lived in a small studio apt. Cliff and I had made our split and I did have somewhat contact with my mother. I already caught Cliff and Hollywood with the many excuses of fooling around with each other and other men. Not to mention the Roxy thing already happened. How I caught him was way simple. When I was living with him at the habour club. I went into his closet to get a shirt for work. One of his shirts in the way back of the of the closet started crinkled and crunched. It was coming from his shirt pocket. Grabbing it, I found 14 condoms.
Que in the dramatics. I did call my mother at the time. I ask for advice. We were somewhat on speaking terms. Then I came to the small plan of putting them back. Now there wouldn't such a problem, if he didn't have a shower bag full of over 30 or so condoms in his bathroom. There was no reason to hide the shirt, unless he was being dishonest. So to make a long story short. I went to work. Working for a company called Charlotte Russe. I made a call over to Cliff on my lunch break and Hollywood was over. The next day, Cliff went to work. I went into his closet, and pullled out the shirt. 11 condoms left.
Like any relationship, any person knows it's going to have it issues. But these, are where problems lie. The roxy story happened. Cliff is talking his game. Saying his many white trash phrases. Hollywood aka John Halm is manipulating the issue. Let alone, Cliff as well. Fucking codeine and cough syrup sociopath. Mother dearest 2.0 is still spiteful and trying to get back at me. Using my ssn number and talking her game as well. Everyone is being dishonest and pushing me to believe that I'm paraniod. Saying I'm the trouble maker, I'm insane, working on my insecuritys and I'm letting them. The bullshit had to stop somewhere. So when I write this shit. To those three, remember. What I have to say are just labels and words. IT WON'T FUCKING HURT YOU!
Anyway, I think the readers would also want to know why I have such a profound respect for prostitutes. Maybe it's because I did the same kind of work just for a few months. Another excuse for Cliff, Hollywood, and my mother to use against me. Here is the reason why it will not work. I was with Cliff before I started to do what he like to call, Hookering it! Mother dearest 2.0 already used my ssn number, and it's already stated and proved as a fact on my credit report. Picture down below.
How I got into it was pretty simple. My last job I was let go from. To say the least not the smartest lad of the bunch. I would see why they would push me out. I had bills to pay. I answer an ad in the newspaper for a driver. Surprise, it was for an escort business. This was around the early spring. The money was and easy. The only thing I had to do, was sit back and wait for the girl. If there was a sign of trouble, we had a code. she get out of there and we take off. I get small percentage, the girl would get her cut, and the pimp would get his.
One night, I got call from the pimp. ( Can I say this pimp was goodlooking, not model wise. But very good looking. ) He mention that he has a client who wants a guy. I asked him why didn't he do it himself. " He wants younger, you interested? ". I thought about it for a minute, the rent is due in a few days. Not to mention I was jobless. So fuck it. I told the pimp, which now he became my pimp. "I'll be ready in a hour!" I'm not going to go to much of what happened that evening or what I had to do. To say that it was degrating. Is bullshit. There was nothing degrading about it. Did I like it? Lets just say, I go back and forth. I can owned up to it with a chuckle. I still did the driver thing for a couple more weeks and a client here and there. Then I did something which made everything awkward. I slept with my good looking pimp. Let's just say, my inexperienece surrpasted me. Yet his did too. Afterwards, I debated about my placement in his company. It endded there.
By then, I started pimping myself out, now having no work what so ever. Oh I was ever so fucking clever. ( Sarcasm here. ) I would be more like a massage therapist. To be honest, let's drop the massage part. In calls and out calls. My little low rent ways did place some good looking clients to which I even had to ask myself, "Why are you even paying me?" I should be paying them. Some of the men that walked threw my doorway. Oh my lord if he exists. I had a nice small income as well. Leanred something too. They all need an outlet. Just for that hour. They needed to get away from the hysteria of the reality. From the world that they created. Hard to believe, for some yes. Others, no. You have to put yourself in that situation, to comprehend. Some of the stories I have heard were heart breaking. Others just pityful excuses. The whole idea about it, they all had there problems and felt they were at fault. Wether if they were or weren't. Their drug addict partner, doesn't give them that pleasure anymore. They are separated. Being around them makes them depressed and they tried working on it for years. They have different expections about money. Not just sexually, but mental and emotional too.
Cliff by now knew about what I was doing and lets just say the car problems started to happen again. So this is where abouts things stared to make a turn, and now I was fighting again. Struggling, money finally stopped. Cliff stared to appear more so, mother dearest and her daughters phone call. That's when I came to that conclusion. That one night, thinking about that phone call. The roxy story. The lies. The cars. The problems my mother put me threw. The ssn being used. Etc. Etc. Etc. Not to mention where I was at in life. See the patterns, see what I am talking about. For somweone to say I don't know people. Is bullshit! In my small era, I have gone threw my fair share of shit. The last point in my life at countryside, sitting at a cheap Ikea table. This is where the plan was kicked into effect. The book was born, even as an idea.
We all have defining moments in our lives. Those turning points. Sometimes, it's right in a court room. Others, when we wake up from a nightmare. Even when it's on the brink of death. I remember I said to someone. Death is the inevitable. I hope that person figured the rest out like I had too when he pasted a comment to me. "So live it for what it is!" Stupid but true. I think this moment was mine. To turn the tables and make them eat there words. No matter what the cost was. So to say this is done in poor taste. I don't think so. I would rather be a Chemically induced drug mule in the most low rent revolting gay snuff film. Then go back to these three assholes. It is very well, extreme. But here is the reason I say this. There is nothing like freewill and being knowledgeable, and knowing where you come from. At least. Now, I know why. Compared to being with those three. Who kept me in the dark about everything. Who have denied me, from who I am. Not to mention, manipulating me into something that was not true from the get go. What I had to indure to find out the truth myself and to be overall right. PLEASE! ( Snap! ) It's the fucking principle of this matter that pisses me off. So why the hell, should I let it go.
So, I might have a askew preception on sex industry, drugs, people, therapy, life etc. Hey, at least I have an improved appreciatation, then most. We can say a lot didn't work out for me but it makse me a bit more confidant in myself. To at least struggle to live to the next day. Which I am proud to amitt that. Also, this will help with the next partner if there maybe one. Cause he might feel those overall emotions but at least he knows what he's is getting into. Also, I conclude he will know just like anyone else who crosses my path. Why am I so guarded and I believe such a statement holds so much truth. No man is ever a man complete without his bitch! Meaning, you are nothing without your fucking partner. Period!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The Paranoid Game / Overthinking it?
The last time I was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC, I tweeted a link of a certain illustration. Of all the wondrous representations that are located in the Asian Art section. I was drawed to this certain depiction called, Carpet of Male Effigy. I found myself asking," Why am I attract to this carpet? " Was it because of the taboo subject matter? A naked male, fasten and restricted by chains. The faded color secheme? Maybe, it's just on some deeper level of subconscious? I feel its the reader, who should deliberate what the grounds maybe. Only, "I," will know the true reasoning behind it.
The gallery's label reads. This is a rare example of a carpet depicting a chain-bound male figure (Tibetan: ling ga), here "imprisoned" within a triangular enclosure guarded by severed heads at the terminus of each projection. Such iconography is associated with the destruction of the effigy, during which surrogate imagery is sacrificed in rites that mimic the practices described in ritual texts, which dictate how one must "summon," "bind," and "destroy" internal "demons" and other negative forces that obstruct the attainment of advanced wisdom. The Tibetan sacrificial brazier used in fire ritual (Homa) is also triangular in form, similarly serving as both a prison for capturing destructive elements and a gateway to higher consciousness. The famous manuscript Secret Visions of the 5th Dalai Lama describes and illustrates such rites and the necessary ritual paraphernalia.
http://www.metmuseum.org/works_of_art/collection_database/all/carpet_of_male_effigy/objectview.aspx?page=1&sort=6&sortdir=asc&keyword=carpet of male effigy&fp=1&dd1=0&dd2=0&vw=1&collID=0&OID=60050155&vT=1&hi=0&ov=0
My enlighten insane ramblings now out of the way. I'm going to give some insight on the subject matter called, "The Paranoid Game". Which we all play as human beings.
(The Paranoid Game)
"The Objectives of the Game"
1) Is to get your opponent to react in such a way. That arises suspicion or comfirms. The opponent will do or say something which answers the benefactors assumptions.
2) Once the knowledge is obtain, The information can be use against the opposer.
3) The information can be use to control the opposer. It being mentally, physically, or emotionally. Or, all the above.
4) The Paranoid Game, can be applied to two or more players.
5) At the end, the person would say to their rival. "Your just being paranoid!" Obtaining that information needed but placing the seed of doubt, within the opponent.
EXAMPLE
One day after a heated debate. Cliff and I went to his car to go to the store. The arguement continued inside the car. His aberrant tone made me wonder a bit. He told me to move out. Yet again, this was not the first time he had said this. I remember him also using one of his favorite expessions. "Love it or leave it!" I was getting fed up with this shit. Which was his intention. Anyway, he turned on his CD player and played a song and exclaimed. "This is one of his favorite songs!" "Situation" by Yazoo. Giving me the stink eye while playing that song. So I asked, "What are you trying to say. You want me to move out? You have something to say, then just say it!" Cliff responded, "Oh no, your just being paranoid!"
Now, here is the kicker. Remember, I said something about being two steps ahead in a previous blog. There was a bar friend that Cliff, John, and I had in common. This "Friend," worked at the same mall as I did. He was trying to enquirer info about Cliff and all that drama. You know, the gossiping trash that people talk about. My gut instinct, told me NOT to trust this guy. So to settle the issue. I told him about a few disagreements and how I played songs with lyrics. That matched my feelings of what I felt at that moment. I figured, that there were going to be two ways that this was going to play out. This "Friend," would stay quite and turn out to be genuine. Or, that he would blab and it would get back to Cliff and John. Confirming everything, that I felt and already knew.
How low rent and childish is this game. Yet, it's not uncommon at all. Here is a website that breaks down about mind games. I hope this explains a lot more about the people I had to live with and the games that they played. Also, sheds light on the reason why I had to do what I did.
Psychological Mind Games -- Serious Business, Serious Players
Psychological mind games are habitual patterns and methods of structuring time and obtaining Strokes.
Games are interpersonal time structuring options sandwiched in between the safer, more superficial option of engaging in Pasttimes and the riskier, more candid option of authentic Intimacy.
Psychological games were first identified and cataloged by Eric Berne M.D., founder of Transactional Analysis in his classic book from the mid 1960's Games People Play.
Berne defined a "Game" as: A patterned and predictable series of transactions which are superficially plausible but actually conceal motivations and lead to a well-defined predictable outcome.
Subconscious Repetitive Programs or Patterns of Behavior
These psychological mind games are habitual [neural networked] programs of behavior that exist in the implicit memory and run subconsciously - beneath the awareness of even the initiator of the game.
In other words, we don't intentionally engage in these games... In fact, many of us have expressed and/or heard this friendly warning early in a relationship..."I don't play games".
It's not a good thing to have a reputation as a "player" or a "tease". But since healthy intimacy, 24/7, with everyone we know is not possible in our society we have little choice but to engage in various games.
These psychological mind games are not played for fun...They are dysfunctional subconscious programs that have been created by our Little Professor in order to adapt to the dysfunction of our family and obtain strokes -- even negative strokes are better than no strokes at all.
The games we play are also, at least partly, the result of the role-modeling of our parents. When we watch them play certain games over and over again we develop the network for that program (Intensity and Repetition). They become part of our Love Map.
Many times our parents (subconsciously) even teach us the rules and how to play the games. These teachings are apparent in the Injunctions and Attributions we carry within us throughout life.
Even though many psychological mind games can be harmful, there is always a secondary gain or "payoff" for playing -- also known as a positive intention in Parts Integration Therapy. Here is a partial list of possible Payoffs...
•To structure time
•To obtain strokes -- either negative or positive attention
•To protect one from experiences that are believed to cause pain -- e.g., trusting others or risking intimacy
•To maintain belief systems in a steady-state
•To maintain the experience of familiar emotional themes -- e.g., a steady-state of abandonment, shame, & contempt
•To confirm and maintain an Existential or Psychological Position -- e.g., "I'm not ok...you're ok"
•To block intimacy while receiving enough strokes to "get by" -- it takes a LOT more negative strokes to get by than positive ones.
•To make life and other people predictable
Angular & Duplex Complimentary Transactions
Psychological mind games are played on two levels...the social level (represented by the solid lines) and the psychological level (represented by the dotted lines).
With games, more than two ego states are involved in two complimentary transactions occurring simultaneously...one on a conscious (social) level the other on a subconscious (psychological) level.
•Duplex Transactions involve four ego states. (Diagram - Right)
•Angular Transactions involve three ego states. (Diagram - Below)
On the social level everything appears to be above board, honest Adult-to-Adult communication... but on the psychological level a subconscious program stored in implicit memory is sending a hidden message.
The hidden message is the invitation... or "bait"... from a Child Ego State designed to "hook" a perceived limitation in a Parent or Child Ego State of the receiver of the message.
Key Point: "It takes two to tango"... The partner we choose must know how to play the games we play.
Perceived limitations are identified and "cataloged" through subconscious perception in the partner or mate selection process -- what I call the subconscious synchronization of compatible neural networks.
So, on a conscious level Person A... the initiator... appears to be sending a socially acceptable message -- while on a subconscious level a game is being played.
When the receiver -- Person B -- responds by taking the bait there is a "switch" in ego states by Person A who gets a surprise feeling or experience (the payoff).
Angular transactions are consciously employed by tele-marketers, bill collectors, and door-to-door salesman in order to get the sale or collect the money (payoff). This is probably where the phrase... "What's your angle?" came from. Perhaps the following will illustrate...•Salesman A - Social or conscious Level... "I think this is the best model, but you probably can't afford it". (Verbal message from Adult-to-Adult)
Psychological or subconscious level..."It's not for you". (Non-verbal para-message from Adult-to-Child)
•Customer B - Social or conscious Level... "I'll take it." (Verbal message from Adult-to-Adult)
Psychological or subconscious level..."I'll show you! I'm as good as anyone else!" (Non-verbal para-message from Child-to-Adult)
Duplex transactions, those involving four ego states, are the psychological mind games that we are concerned with here... They are played by innocent people on a subconscious, or mostly subconscious level.
Let's take the following example to show how games are passed on from parent to child...(Diagram - Below)
Context: Billy's mother sat in the living room, talking on the phone with a friend... Suddenly there was a loud crash in the next room... upon entering the room Billy's mother found the cookie jar had been knocked off the table and onto the floor -- Billy was standing next to it.
•Mother (M) - Social or conscious Level... "Who did that?". (Verbal inquiry from Adult-in-the-Adult to the Adult-in-the-Child -- aka Little Professor)
Psychological or subconscious level... Mother knew that Billy broke the jar and she discounted that she should have child-proofed the room... Her social "fact-finding" question was a subconscious invitation for Billy to lie.
•Billy (B) - Social or conscious level..."Sissy did it".
Psychological or subconscious level... Having been witness to mother's anger before, Billy's Little Professor creatively came up with a way out...except for one thing, Sissy had left the house with her father to run errands 30 minutes earlier.
•Mother (M) - Social or conscious Level... Slaps Billy and yells..."I can't stand a liar!". (Switch from Adult to Adapted Child -- specifically the Critical Parent ego state to Billy's Vulnerable Child)
Psychological or subconscious level... Mother's payoff was a surprise feeling of righteous anger that confirmed her strongly held belief that "males cannot be trusted"(M).
When her anger had passed the game was over... When she was able to re-activate her Adult and Parent ego states, she felt terrible for "over-reacting".
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In the above example mother was playing a Persecutor game called "Now I've Got You, You SOB!"(M) and Billy was learning a Victim game called "Kick Me"(B).
All Billy had to do was say "I did it" and his mother couldn't play her game. But the Little Professor goes on instinct since it does not yet have the wisdom of experience... the instinct for self-preservation says "stay out of harms way".
Key Point: The sudden shift in ego states by mother provides intensity which, combined with the repetition of playing the game over and over again, will burn the game instructions into a neural network that Billy will likely carry with him into his adult relationships and mate selection process.
In other words, Billy may subconsciously search out and find a partner who knows how to play "Now I've Got You, You SOB!" so he can continue to play the "Kick Me" game. It's in the courtship phase that the subconscious auditions are done -- with the use of subconscious perception.
Psychological mind games fit easily into the framework of the Drama Triangle and always include a Victim, Rescuer, and/or Persecutor. They may be played with mild, moderate or severe intensity.
Check out the common relationship mind games to explore further.
http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/psychological_mind_games.html
Well, I think that stated a mouthful. At this time, I have to mention. I did get some feed back. Comments that I heard before. The samantics. In a way, Linguistic development. Which most poeple have heard before in there own lives. Grow up, shut up , your being retarded. Or some other form undermining. It's to be expected. Of course, I take it and view it as. Any comment that is negative or has a negative passive undertone is just an reaction becasue they know that I am in the right.
I also, did some recon about mental schemas. This was pretty insightful but yet, does not really apply to me.
Subjugation
This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these clients fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Clients who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent.
Self-Sacrifice
This schema refers to the excessive sacrifice of one's own needs in order to help others. When these clients pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own. Often people whom self-sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.
http://www.cognitivetherapy.me.uk/schema_therapy.htm
http://www.lucreid.com/?p=2331
The reason why these do not work out in my theroy. Number one, I was right. Mother dearest 2.0 was holding something back. Cliff and John were hiding something too. Number two. I summited myself into that propaganda. I gave up that control, knowing there would be negative bullshit and backlash. The truth was, I did sacrifice. I did it more then enough. Not to mention, I didn't want to be overall right. I just wanted to be correct about Cliff and John. Putting that all aside. I was accurate about everything. I do feel guilty that it had to come to something like this. In the matter of speaking. My low rent eloquent phrases and the preponderance of these intentional head games has placed me on the edge of my humanity.
Why would anyone do such a thing and place themselves in that way. For a higher consciousness? Cause they enjoyed it? Or got tried of it? Many excuses here can be used. My motive, I just wanted to hear him tell me to my face. I felt I should have gotten that much respect. Not like it was going to make me feel better but at least some closeure. As for mother dearest though. It always plauged in the back of my head, something was not right. Maybe it was the ssn number being used. Or the whole concept of school. Or that saying that rang in my head after our Thirteen minute conversation. "Well, you know..History repeats itself!" Or the many fights. Or the abuse. Etc, etc, etc.
Now, that I have opened my mouth about this. Also, how about this insanity comes into play and my mentality. I do have to show a couple of things that were left out. With in the past three years, I went threw the process of the system. My probation finally ended. In the month of march, of this year. Still trying to find a better job. Not to mention, writing this blog. Which shows patterns. Not to mention motives. I do believe that these three people have a lot more to own up too. That is my opinion. There is enough infomation to show, I am overall correct.
To say the least, I seen many tricks , friends, lovers, companions, etc. Go threw the same process. Not just with John and Cliff. With their friends too. This is way to common with most people. But there was a great difference, in this senerio. Having seen there true nature. I was not first that these two assholes have done this too. I seen it happen with many others, with my own eyes. I came to a point where I had enough. Concluding, that I was not the first but I was very well going to be the last. Not giving myself too much credit here thought. Beating up Cliff was not my intention. That was not part of my plan. I let emotions get the best of me. That was my fault. I believe I have stated this before. I was processed, judged, and served my sentence. Was that justifed? Some would say, yes. Others would say, no. That is on their own behalf. As for breaking societies rules. That is another story.
Was there a better way to go about this. No, who would listen to me. and thats where this comes into play. This would be my justice. To be able to be heard , no matter how crazy this sounds. I'm bequeathing the same common manner as did to me. Being able to talk smack about these three, only this time able to back it up.
The restraining orders. (Yes plural, more then one.) Come to my head. During this tragic event of my life. I had a Temporary restraining order placed on me by the police department. Which was signed by Cliff. As I stayed in jail. Within the two weeks time. I had to go to court to finalize that restraining order. Oh how I remember that allotment. To shorten this. I had to go to the family court. Just sitting there alone, hand cuffed. Waitng. Scraping my finger nails under the table that was in front of me. The empty court room stood quite expect for the police officers that were in the room. Cliff came in. I made every attempt to not look at him.
I wanted to jump out of that chair so bad and suffocate him. Instead, I sat there quite and looked at the judges chair. This document was processed rather quickly and explained. With all honesty, I really didn't give a flying fuck. As long as he stayed far away from me. I was happy. After the document was pushed threw. I was told to stay seated. Cliff was told to leave first. Without any warning, he walked over to me and was trying to resure me that everything was going to be okay. That my bills would be taken care of and that my car and my cutie of a chubby tabby cat, Snickers would be okay.I jumpped back from him so fast that I was from one end of the table to the other in a slpit second. This happened right in front of the judge and the two police officers. My heart was pounding out of my very own skin . Now worried about, what would happen to the belonging that were left behind. What he had acess too. There was that paranoia again.
Here's the another kicker. I beat the shit out of this guy, because of the many issues. The many problems he put me threw. I became uncivilized and was punished for it. I beat this man who was older and stronger then me. In the middle of the afternoon. In front of the many neighbors at his complex. Yet, I had to place a restraining order back on him. YES!!! HELLO!!!
First of all. For those haven't placed a restraining order in the great state of New Jersey. If someone places an order on another person. The person who placed it can still contact the other one but that party can not contact the one who placed the restraining document. A peice of infomation which I think is valueable to anyone. Most people think that a restraining order goes both ways. It does not. I had to go back to family court and place one back out on Cliff. How he contacted me was by e-mail. The first time, telling me that I had mail still coming to his place.
WHAT THE FUCK! I mean are people that dumb or subconsciously did he want me to respond. Really. I felt that he was trying to find out where I was at. Give it back to the fucking post office and tell them I don't live there anymore. I was so petrified that he would find me. Being that two people took a chance on me, and bailed me out. Now, I had to worry that my drama would be coming and affect these people as well. At that period, I was so scared. Not of him but I was afraid that he did find me. And approuched me. I would have finished what I had started, this time endding his extistance. Losing my myself completely and letting some primimal force take over.
I didn't respond to that email. I just saved it. Then try to move on. Maybe it was just me and I was looking to deep into it. Of course, was not going to give him a benefit of a doubt. I considered changing the screen name. Then I started to realize that by doing this I was cutting myself off. I could have made a new name but that premise bother me . What was next? Hide underneath a rock. I was stuck in New jersey by law for awhile. So there really wasn't much that I could do.
I just had to suck it up. Just deal and hope that was the last e-mail. I was wrong. He contacted me again. This time to say, Happy Birthday. When I got that e-mail, I collapse again. This man scared me so much. Cause him, just like my mother could bring out the worst in me. Looking back, throwing the restraining order back on him. Suffering the hyperventing, evevry time I though he might find me. Threw people or friends. Parties. My Anxiety threw the roof. Jumping up, when hearing the slightest noise. Having knives and other weaponry by my bedside. You know, just in case.
My paranoia was amplified, highten to hypervilgency which I felt I could not get a grasp on. Having mininal support, because others did not know what to do, or did not want to get involve. I attempted anything and everything to get few bits of help. Help lines. Joining programs and expermentations for disorders. Going to medical behavior centers. Hospitals, clinics. I was a hot crazy mess. Actually, just a crazy mess. There is that low self esteem again. Actually, still a crazy mess. Just a bit more tolerable.
After seeing all those doctors, going threw all this process. I think I could honestly say, that therpy and going to get treatment was not going to overall help. I was going to have to do this by myself. Doesn't help either that I couldn't afford medical, with recession going on. To boot being in a catch 22 situation. Please read blog, "Catch 22." I understand I was acting out in a way that society would see as abnormal. Give me some kudos though, at least I could recognize that. If someone can say that to themselves, recognize and believe that. Then they have some hope. Remember the old saying. "Real crazy people don't know that there crazy!"
Not saying, I am the sanest person in the room either, but if I can amitt that, know that, and feel that. Even accept it. I'm a lot better off then most. The truth about normalcy, in my opinion is pretty simple. Is to show one persona for one enivorment or atmostphere. Then another, at another time. I touched this subject before about the work persona and the home persona. It's basic Pych 101 really. We all know this. It's how we are to maintain a social acceptance. Sometimes I feel its like being in the "CLOSET" again.
Forbid that if we show are true overall selves. Inner Freak and all. There are just some things that we as people keep behind close doors or in the cloest. Which people love to find out and use for there own benefit. Better to do that, then to think of their own bullshit. Now I'm sounding crazy again. Oh shit! Wait a minute! TOO LATE! Anticipated it too much. Hey, I would rather overthink everything. then not consider it. At least then, I feel better knowing that I tried and made sure to not leave any stone unturned. A last I do have to leave my qoute. Something that I now say and know it holds true. At least, I think! (Smile) "You have to be a strong man to stand next to me...A strong minded man!"
The gallery's label reads. This is a rare example of a carpet depicting a chain-bound male figure (Tibetan: ling ga), here "imprisoned" within a triangular enclosure guarded by severed heads at the terminus of each projection. Such iconography is associated with the destruction of the effigy, during which surrogate imagery is sacrificed in rites that mimic the practices described in ritual texts, which dictate how one must "summon," "bind," and "destroy" internal "demons" and other negative forces that obstruct the attainment of advanced wisdom. The Tibetan sacrificial brazier used in fire ritual (Homa) is also triangular in form, similarly serving as both a prison for capturing destructive elements and a gateway to higher consciousness. The famous manuscript Secret Visions of the 5th Dalai Lama describes and illustrates such rites and the necessary ritual paraphernalia.
http://www.metmuseum.org/works_of_art/collection_database/all/carpet_of_male_effigy/objectview.aspx?page=1&sort=6&sortdir=asc&keyword=carpet of male effigy&fp=1&dd1=0&dd2=0&vw=1&collID=0&OID=60050155&vT=1&hi=0&ov=0
My enlighten insane ramblings now out of the way. I'm going to give some insight on the subject matter called, "The Paranoid Game". Which we all play as human beings.
(The Paranoid Game)
"The Objectives of the Game"
1) Is to get your opponent to react in such a way. That arises suspicion or comfirms. The opponent will do or say something which answers the benefactors assumptions.
2) Once the knowledge is obtain, The information can be use against the opposer.
3) The information can be use to control the opposer. It being mentally, physically, or emotionally. Or, all the above.
4) The Paranoid Game, can be applied to two or more players.
5) At the end, the person would say to their rival. "Your just being paranoid!" Obtaining that information needed but placing the seed of doubt, within the opponent.
EXAMPLE
One day after a heated debate. Cliff and I went to his car to go to the store. The arguement continued inside the car. His aberrant tone made me wonder a bit. He told me to move out. Yet again, this was not the first time he had said this. I remember him also using one of his favorite expessions. "Love it or leave it!" I was getting fed up with this shit. Which was his intention. Anyway, he turned on his CD player and played a song and exclaimed. "This is one of his favorite songs!" "Situation" by Yazoo. Giving me the stink eye while playing that song. So I asked, "What are you trying to say. You want me to move out? You have something to say, then just say it!" Cliff responded, "Oh no, your just being paranoid!"
Now, here is the kicker. Remember, I said something about being two steps ahead in a previous blog. There was a bar friend that Cliff, John, and I had in common. This "Friend," worked at the same mall as I did. He was trying to enquirer info about Cliff and all that drama. You know, the gossiping trash that people talk about. My gut instinct, told me NOT to trust this guy. So to settle the issue. I told him about a few disagreements and how I played songs with lyrics. That matched my feelings of what I felt at that moment. I figured, that there were going to be two ways that this was going to play out. This "Friend," would stay quite and turn out to be genuine. Or, that he would blab and it would get back to Cliff and John. Confirming everything, that I felt and already knew.
How low rent and childish is this game. Yet, it's not uncommon at all. Here is a website that breaks down about mind games. I hope this explains a lot more about the people I had to live with and the games that they played. Also, sheds light on the reason why I had to do what I did.
Psychological Mind Games -- Serious Business, Serious Players
Psychological mind games are habitual patterns and methods of structuring time and obtaining Strokes.
Games are interpersonal time structuring options sandwiched in between the safer, more superficial option of engaging in Pasttimes and the riskier, more candid option of authentic Intimacy.
Psychological games were first identified and cataloged by Eric Berne M.D., founder of Transactional Analysis in his classic book from the mid 1960's Games People Play.
Berne defined a "Game" as: A patterned and predictable series of transactions which are superficially plausible but actually conceal motivations and lead to a well-defined predictable outcome.
Subconscious Repetitive Programs or Patterns of Behavior
These psychological mind games are habitual [neural networked] programs of behavior that exist in the implicit memory and run subconsciously - beneath the awareness of even the initiator of the game.
In other words, we don't intentionally engage in these games... In fact, many of us have expressed and/or heard this friendly warning early in a relationship..."I don't play games".
It's not a good thing to have a reputation as a "player" or a "tease". But since healthy intimacy, 24/7, with everyone we know is not possible in our society we have little choice but to engage in various games.
These psychological mind games are not played for fun...They are dysfunctional subconscious programs that have been created by our Little Professor in order to adapt to the dysfunction of our family and obtain strokes -- even negative strokes are better than no strokes at all.
The games we play are also, at least partly, the result of the role-modeling of our parents. When we watch them play certain games over and over again we develop the network for that program (Intensity and Repetition). They become part of our Love Map.
Many times our parents (subconsciously) even teach us the rules and how to play the games. These teachings are apparent in the Injunctions and Attributions we carry within us throughout life.
Even though many psychological mind games can be harmful, there is always a secondary gain or "payoff" for playing -- also known as a positive intention in Parts Integration Therapy. Here is a partial list of possible Payoffs...
•To structure time
•To obtain strokes -- either negative or positive attention
•To protect one from experiences that are believed to cause pain -- e.g., trusting others or risking intimacy
•To maintain belief systems in a steady-state
•To maintain the experience of familiar emotional themes -- e.g., a steady-state of abandonment, shame, & contempt
•To confirm and maintain an Existential or Psychological Position -- e.g., "I'm not ok...you're ok"
•To block intimacy while receiving enough strokes to "get by" -- it takes a LOT more negative strokes to get by than positive ones.
•To make life and other people predictable
Angular & Duplex Complimentary Transactions
Psychological mind games are played on two levels...the social level (represented by the solid lines) and the psychological level (represented by the dotted lines).
With games, more than two ego states are involved in two complimentary transactions occurring simultaneously...one on a conscious (social) level the other on a subconscious (psychological) level.
•Duplex Transactions involve four ego states. (Diagram - Right)
•Angular Transactions involve three ego states. (Diagram - Below)
On the social level everything appears to be above board, honest Adult-to-Adult communication... but on the psychological level a subconscious program stored in implicit memory is sending a hidden message.
The hidden message is the invitation... or "bait"... from a Child Ego State designed to "hook" a perceived limitation in a Parent or Child Ego State of the receiver of the message.
Key Point: "It takes two to tango"... The partner we choose must know how to play the games we play.
Perceived limitations are identified and "cataloged" through subconscious perception in the partner or mate selection process -- what I call the subconscious synchronization of compatible neural networks.
So, on a conscious level Person A... the initiator... appears to be sending a socially acceptable message -- while on a subconscious level a game is being played.
When the receiver -- Person B -- responds by taking the bait there is a "switch" in ego states by Person A who gets a surprise feeling or experience (the payoff).
Angular transactions are consciously employed by tele-marketers, bill collectors, and door-to-door salesman in order to get the sale or collect the money (payoff). This is probably where the phrase... "What's your angle?" came from. Perhaps the following will illustrate...•Salesman A - Social or conscious Level... "I think this is the best model, but you probably can't afford it". (Verbal message from Adult-to-Adult)
Psychological or subconscious level..."It's not for you". (Non-verbal para-message from Adult-to-Child)
•Customer B - Social or conscious Level... "I'll take it." (Verbal message from Adult-to-Adult)
Psychological or subconscious level..."I'll show you! I'm as good as anyone else!" (Non-verbal para-message from Child-to-Adult)
Duplex transactions, those involving four ego states, are the psychological mind games that we are concerned with here... They are played by innocent people on a subconscious, or mostly subconscious level.
Let's take the following example to show how games are passed on from parent to child...(Diagram - Below)
Context: Billy's mother sat in the living room, talking on the phone with a friend... Suddenly there was a loud crash in the next room... upon entering the room Billy's mother found the cookie jar had been knocked off the table and onto the floor -- Billy was standing next to it.
•Mother (M) - Social or conscious Level... "Who did that?". (Verbal inquiry from Adult-in-the-Adult to the Adult-in-the-Child -- aka Little Professor)
Psychological or subconscious level... Mother knew that Billy broke the jar and she discounted that she should have child-proofed the room... Her social "fact-finding" question was a subconscious invitation for Billy to lie.
•Billy (B) - Social or conscious level..."Sissy did it".
Psychological or subconscious level... Having been witness to mother's anger before, Billy's Little Professor creatively came up with a way out...except for one thing, Sissy had left the house with her father to run errands 30 minutes earlier.
•Mother (M) - Social or conscious Level... Slaps Billy and yells..."I can't stand a liar!". (Switch from Adult to Adapted Child -- specifically the Critical Parent ego state to Billy's Vulnerable Child)
Psychological or subconscious level... Mother's payoff was a surprise feeling of righteous anger that confirmed her strongly held belief that "males cannot be trusted"(M).
When her anger had passed the game was over... When she was able to re-activate her Adult and Parent ego states, she felt terrible for "over-reacting".
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In the above example mother was playing a Persecutor game called "Now I've Got You, You SOB!"(M) and Billy was learning a Victim game called "Kick Me"(B).
All Billy had to do was say "I did it" and his mother couldn't play her game. But the Little Professor goes on instinct since it does not yet have the wisdom of experience... the instinct for self-preservation says "stay out of harms way".
Key Point: The sudden shift in ego states by mother provides intensity which, combined with the repetition of playing the game over and over again, will burn the game instructions into a neural network that Billy will likely carry with him into his adult relationships and mate selection process.
In other words, Billy may subconsciously search out and find a partner who knows how to play "Now I've Got You, You SOB!" so he can continue to play the "Kick Me" game. It's in the courtship phase that the subconscious auditions are done -- with the use of subconscious perception.
Psychological mind games fit easily into the framework of the Drama Triangle and always include a Victim, Rescuer, and/or Persecutor. They may be played with mild, moderate or severe intensity.
Check out the common relationship mind games to explore further.
http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/psychological_mind_games.html
Well, I think that stated a mouthful. At this time, I have to mention. I did get some feed back. Comments that I heard before. The samantics. In a way, Linguistic development. Which most poeple have heard before in there own lives. Grow up, shut up , your being retarded. Or some other form undermining. It's to be expected. Of course, I take it and view it as. Any comment that is negative or has a negative passive undertone is just an reaction becasue they know that I am in the right.
I also, did some recon about mental schemas. This was pretty insightful but yet, does not really apply to me.
Subjugation
This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these clients fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Clients who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent.
Self-Sacrifice
This schema refers to the excessive sacrifice of one's own needs in order to help others. When these clients pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own. Often people whom self-sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.
http://www.cognitivetherapy.me.uk/schema_therapy.htm
http://www.lucreid.com/?p=2331
The reason why these do not work out in my theroy. Number one, I was right. Mother dearest 2.0 was holding something back. Cliff and John were hiding something too. Number two. I summited myself into that propaganda. I gave up that control, knowing there would be negative bullshit and backlash. The truth was, I did sacrifice. I did it more then enough. Not to mention, I didn't want to be overall right. I just wanted to be correct about Cliff and John. Putting that all aside. I was accurate about everything. I do feel guilty that it had to come to something like this. In the matter of speaking. My low rent eloquent phrases and the preponderance of these intentional head games has placed me on the edge of my humanity.
Why would anyone do such a thing and place themselves in that way. For a higher consciousness? Cause they enjoyed it? Or got tried of it? Many excuses here can be used. My motive, I just wanted to hear him tell me to my face. I felt I should have gotten that much respect. Not like it was going to make me feel better but at least some closeure. As for mother dearest though. It always plauged in the back of my head, something was not right. Maybe it was the ssn number being used. Or the whole concept of school. Or that saying that rang in my head after our Thirteen minute conversation. "Well, you know..History repeats itself!" Or the many fights. Or the abuse. Etc, etc, etc.
Now, that I have opened my mouth about this. Also, how about this insanity comes into play and my mentality. I do have to show a couple of things that were left out. With in the past three years, I went threw the process of the system. My probation finally ended. In the month of march, of this year. Still trying to find a better job. Not to mention, writing this blog. Which shows patterns. Not to mention motives. I do believe that these three people have a lot more to own up too. That is my opinion. There is enough infomation to show, I am overall correct.
To say the least, I seen many tricks , friends, lovers, companions, etc. Go threw the same process. Not just with John and Cliff. With their friends too. This is way to common with most people. But there was a great difference, in this senerio. Having seen there true nature. I was not first that these two assholes have done this too. I seen it happen with many others, with my own eyes. I came to a point where I had enough. Concluding, that I was not the first but I was very well going to be the last. Not giving myself too much credit here thought. Beating up Cliff was not my intention. That was not part of my plan. I let emotions get the best of me. That was my fault. I believe I have stated this before. I was processed, judged, and served my sentence. Was that justifed? Some would say, yes. Others would say, no. That is on their own behalf. As for breaking societies rules. That is another story.
Was there a better way to go about this. No, who would listen to me. and thats where this comes into play. This would be my justice. To be able to be heard , no matter how crazy this sounds. I'm bequeathing the same common manner as did to me. Being able to talk smack about these three, only this time able to back it up.
The restraining orders. (Yes plural, more then one.) Come to my head. During this tragic event of my life. I had a Temporary restraining order placed on me by the police department. Which was signed by Cliff. As I stayed in jail. Within the two weeks time. I had to go to court to finalize that restraining order. Oh how I remember that allotment. To shorten this. I had to go to the family court. Just sitting there alone, hand cuffed. Waitng. Scraping my finger nails under the table that was in front of me. The empty court room stood quite expect for the police officers that were in the room. Cliff came in. I made every attempt to not look at him.
I wanted to jump out of that chair so bad and suffocate him. Instead, I sat there quite and looked at the judges chair. This document was processed rather quickly and explained. With all honesty, I really didn't give a flying fuck. As long as he stayed far away from me. I was happy. After the document was pushed threw. I was told to stay seated. Cliff was told to leave first. Without any warning, he walked over to me and was trying to resure me that everything was going to be okay. That my bills would be taken care of and that my car and my cutie of a chubby tabby cat, Snickers would be okay.I jumpped back from him so fast that I was from one end of the table to the other in a slpit second. This happened right in front of the judge and the two police officers. My heart was pounding out of my very own skin . Now worried about, what would happen to the belonging that were left behind. What he had acess too. There was that paranoia again.
Here's the another kicker. I beat the shit out of this guy, because of the many issues. The many problems he put me threw. I became uncivilized and was punished for it. I beat this man who was older and stronger then me. In the middle of the afternoon. In front of the many neighbors at his complex. Yet, I had to place a restraining order back on him. YES!!! HELLO!!!
First of all. For those haven't placed a restraining order in the great state of New Jersey. If someone places an order on another person. The person who placed it can still contact the other one but that party can not contact the one who placed the restraining document. A peice of infomation which I think is valueable to anyone. Most people think that a restraining order goes both ways. It does not. I had to go back to family court and place one back out on Cliff. How he contacted me was by e-mail. The first time, telling me that I had mail still coming to his place.
WHAT THE FUCK! I mean are people that dumb or subconsciously did he want me to respond. Really. I felt that he was trying to find out where I was at. Give it back to the fucking post office and tell them I don't live there anymore. I was so petrified that he would find me. Being that two people took a chance on me, and bailed me out. Now, I had to worry that my drama would be coming and affect these people as well. At that period, I was so scared. Not of him but I was afraid that he did find me. And approuched me. I would have finished what I had started, this time endding his extistance. Losing my myself completely and letting some primimal force take over.
I didn't respond to that email. I just saved it. Then try to move on. Maybe it was just me and I was looking to deep into it. Of course, was not going to give him a benefit of a doubt. I considered changing the screen name. Then I started to realize that by doing this I was cutting myself off. I could have made a new name but that premise bother me . What was next? Hide underneath a rock. I was stuck in New jersey by law for awhile. So there really wasn't much that I could do.
I just had to suck it up. Just deal and hope that was the last e-mail. I was wrong. He contacted me again. This time to say, Happy Birthday. When I got that e-mail, I collapse again. This man scared me so much. Cause him, just like my mother could bring out the worst in me. Looking back, throwing the restraining order back on him. Suffering the hyperventing, evevry time I though he might find me. Threw people or friends. Parties. My Anxiety threw the roof. Jumping up, when hearing the slightest noise. Having knives and other weaponry by my bedside. You know, just in case.
My paranoia was amplified, highten to hypervilgency which I felt I could not get a grasp on. Having mininal support, because others did not know what to do, or did not want to get involve. I attempted anything and everything to get few bits of help. Help lines. Joining programs and expermentations for disorders. Going to medical behavior centers. Hospitals, clinics. I was a hot crazy mess. Actually, just a crazy mess. There is that low self esteem again. Actually, still a crazy mess. Just a bit more tolerable.
After seeing all those doctors, going threw all this process. I think I could honestly say, that therpy and going to get treatment was not going to overall help. I was going to have to do this by myself. Doesn't help either that I couldn't afford medical, with recession going on. To boot being in a catch 22 situation. Please read blog, "Catch 22." I understand I was acting out in a way that society would see as abnormal. Give me some kudos though, at least I could recognize that. If someone can say that to themselves, recognize and believe that. Then they have some hope. Remember the old saying. "Real crazy people don't know that there crazy!"
Not saying, I am the sanest person in the room either, but if I can amitt that, know that, and feel that. Even accept it. I'm a lot better off then most. The truth about normalcy, in my opinion is pretty simple. Is to show one persona for one enivorment or atmostphere. Then another, at another time. I touched this subject before about the work persona and the home persona. It's basic Pych 101 really. We all know this. It's how we are to maintain a social acceptance. Sometimes I feel its like being in the "CLOSET" again.
Forbid that if we show are true overall selves. Inner Freak and all. There are just some things that we as people keep behind close doors or in the cloest. Which people love to find out and use for there own benefit. Better to do that, then to think of their own bullshit. Now I'm sounding crazy again. Oh shit! Wait a minute! TOO LATE! Anticipated it too much. Hey, I would rather overthink everything. then not consider it. At least then, I feel better knowing that I tried and made sure to not leave any stone unturned. A last I do have to leave my qoute. Something that I now say and know it holds true. At least, I think! (Smile) "You have to be a strong man to stand next to me...A strong minded man!"
Monday, March 28, 2011
"Medical Records Volume One " / Voicing Accusations
Juvenile delinquency
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Juvenile delinquency refers to abnormal social or legal behavior by children or adolescents, for dealing with juveniles, such as juvenile detention centers. There are a multitude of different theories on the causes of crime, most if not all of which can be applied to the causes of youth crime.
A Juvenile Delinquent is one who repeatedly commits crime. These juvenile delinquents sometimes have mental disorders/behavioral issues such as post traumatic stress disorder or bipolar disorder, and are sometimes diagnosed with conduct disorder[1] partially as a result of their delinquent behaviors.
Contents
1 Juvenile sex crimes
2 Social disorganization
3 Differential association
4 Labeling
5 Male phenomenon
6 Risk factors
6.1 Individual risk factors
6.2 Mental disorders
6.3 Family environment
6.4 Prevention
7 Societal consequences
Juvenile sex crimes
Minor commit sexual crimes refer to individuals adjudicated in a criminal court for a sexual crimes are defined as sexually abusive behavior committed by a person under the age of 18 that is perpetrated “against the victim’s will, without consent, and in an aggressive, exploitative, manipulative, or threatening manner."
Examining prevalence data and the characteristics of juvenile sex offenders is a fundamental component to obtain a precise understanding of this heterogeneous group. With mandatory reporting laws in place, it became a necessity for providers to report any incidents of disclosed sexual abuse.
Social disorganization
Current positivist approaches generally focus on the culture. A type of criminological theory attributing variation in crime and delinquency over time and among territories to the absence or breakdown of communal institutions (e.g. family, school, church and social groups.) and communal relationships that traditionally encouraged cooperative relationships among people.
Merton's suggests five adaptations to this dilemma:
1.Innovation: individuals who accept socially approved goals, but not necessarily the socially approved means.
2.Retreatism: those who reject socially approved goals and the means for acquiring them.
3.Ritualism: those who buy into a system of socially approved means, but lose sight of the goals. Merton believed that drug users are in this category.
4.Conformity: those who conform to the system's means and goals.
5.Rebellion: people who negate socially approved goals and means by creating a new system of acceptable goals and means.
A difficulty with strain theory is that it does not explore why children of low-income families would have poor educational attainment in the first place. More importantly is the fact that much youth crime does not have an economic motivation. Strain theory fails to explain violent crime, the type of youth crime which causes most anxiety to the public.
Differential association
The theory of Differential association also deals with young people in a group context, and looks at how peer pressure and the existence of gangs could lead them into crime. It suggests young people are motivated to commit crimes by delinquent peers, and learn criminal skills from them. The diminished influence of peers after men marry has also been cited as a factor in desisting from offending. There is strong evidence that young people with criminal friends are more likely to commit crimes themselves[citation needed]. However it may be the case that offenders prefer to associate with one another, rather than delinquent peers causing someone to start offending. Furthermore there is the question of how the delinquent peer group became delinquent initially.
Labeling
Labeling theory states that once young people have been labelled as criminal they are more likely to offend. (Eadie & Morley: 2003 p. 552) The idea is that once labelled as deviant a young person may accept that role, and be more likely to associate with others who have been similarly labelled. (Eadie & Morley: 2003 p. 552) Labelling theorists say that male children from poor families are more likely to be labelled deviant, and that this may partially explain why there are more lower-class young male offenders.(Walklate: 2003 p. 24)
Male phenomenon
Youth crime is disproportionately male: theorists and others have examined why this is the case. One suggestion is that ideas of masculinity may make young men more likely to offend. Being tough and reckless may be a way young men attempt to express their masculinity. Acting out these ideals may make young men more likely to engage in antisocial and criminal behaviour. Alternatively, rather than young men acting as they do because of societal pressure to conform to masculine ideals; young men may actually be naturally more aggressive, daring etc. As well as biological or psychological factors, the way young men are treated by their parents may make them more susceptible to offending. According to a study, adolescent males who possess a certain type of variation in a specific gene are more likely to flock to delinquent peers.
Risk factors
Individual risk factorsIndividual psychological or behavioural risk factors that may make offending more likely include intelligence, impulsiveness or the inability to delay gratification, aggression, empathy, and restlessness. (Farrington: 2002) Children with low intelligence are likely to do worse in school. This may increase the chances of offending because low educational attainment, a low attachment to school, and low educational aspirations are all risk factors for offending in themselves. (Walklate: 2003 p. 2) Children who perform poorly at school are also more likely to truant, which is also linked to offending. (Farrington: 2002 p. 682) If strain theory or subcultural theory are valid poor educational attainment could lead to crime as children were unable to attain wealth and status legally. However it must be born in mind that defining and measuring intelligence is troublesome. Young males are especially likely to be impulsive which could mean they disregard the long-term consequences of their actions, have a lack of self-control, and are unable to postpone immediate gratification.
Mental disorders
Conduct disorder usually develops during childhood and manifests itself during an adolescence life. Some juvenile behavior is attributed to the diagnosable disorder known as conduct disorder. Juvenile delinquents who have recurring encounters with the criminal justice system are sometimes diagnosed with conduct disorders because they show a continuous disregard for their own and others safety and property. Once the juvenile continues to exhibit the same behavioral patterns and turns eighteen he is then at risk of being diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and much more prone to become a serious criminal offender. One of the main components used in diagnosing an adult with antisocial personality disorder consists of presenting documented history of conduct disorder before the age of 15. These two personality disorders are analogous in their erratic and aggressive behavior. This is why habitual juvenile offenders diagnosed with conduct disorder are likely to exhibit signs of antisocial personality disorder as they mature. Once the juveniles reach maturation their socially unacceptable behavior has grown into a life style and they develop into career criminals. "Career criminals begin committing antisocial behavior before entering grade school and are versatile in that they engage in an array of destructive behaviors, offend at exceedingly high rates, and are less likely to quit committing crime as they age.
Family environment
Family factors which may have an influence on offending include; the level of parental supervision, the way parents discipline a child, parental conflict or separation, criminal parents or siblings, and the quality of the parent-child relationship Children brought up by lone parents are more likely to start offending than those who live with two natural parents, however once the attachment a child feels towards their parent(s) and the level of parental supervision are taken into account, children in single parent families are no more likely to offend than others. Conflict between a child's parents is also much more closely linked to offending than being raised by a lone parent. If a child has low parental supervision they are much more likely to offend. Many studies have found a strong correlation between a lack of supervision and offending, and it appears to be the most important family influence on offending.When parents commonly do not know where their children are, what their activities are, or who their friends are, children are more likely to truant from school and have delinquent friends, each of which are linked to offending. A lack of supervision is connected to poor relationships between children and parents, as children who are often in conflict with their parents may be less willing to discuss their activities with them. Children with a weak attachment to their parents are more likely to offend.
Prevention Delinquency
Prevention is the broad term for all efforts aimed at preventing youth from becoming involved in criminal, or other antisocial, activity. Increasingly, governments are recognizing the importance of allocating resources for the prevention of delinquency. Because it is often difficult for states to provide the fiscal resources necessary for good prevention, organizations, communities, and governments are working more in collaboration with each other to prevent juvenile delinquency.
With the development of delinquency in youth being influenced by numerous factors, prevention efforts are comprehensive in scope. Prevention services include activities such as substance abuse education and treatment, family counseling, youth mentoring, parenting education, educational support, and youth sheltering.
- Reductionism - e.g. over-simplifying complex experiences and circumstances by converting them to simple quantities, relying on a psychosocial focus whilst neglecting potential socio-structural and political influences;
- Determinism - e.g. characterizing young people as passive victims of risk experiences with no ability to construct, negotiate or resist risk;
- Imputation - e.g. assuming that risk factors and definitions of offending are homogeneous across countries and cultures, assuming that statistical correlations between risk factors and offending actually represent causal relationships, assuming that risk factors apply to individuals on the basis of aggregated data.
Societal consequences
Once the juvenile offender reaches maturation he or she is likely to continue exhibiting maladaptive behaviors and increases his risk of being cycled through the criminal justice system as an adult offender. Due to the small population of habitual adult and juvenile offenders attributing for the large percentage of violent crimes (i.e. murder and aggravated assault) the criminal justice system should supervise the small population of career criminals in an effort to prevent the spawning of serious violent offenders. If mental disorders such as conduct disorder go undiagnosed and untreated the juvenile offender has the increased potential to later develop antisocial personality disorder and continue his life as a career criminal. The majority of violent offenders exhibit characteristics of antisocial personality disorder and exhibit it no later than age 15. Antisocial personality disorder is a common diagnosis for a serial killer. Authors Alvarez and Bachman found that one similarity among serial killers was their prior criminal convictions. In this case conduct disorder can become a probable constituent to serial murder if not diagnosed and treated before it fully develops in adulthood as antisocial personality disorder. Both conduct disorder and antisocial personality disorder are categorized as personality disorders under the DSM-IV-TR and share extremely similar definitions as explained above in 'Mental Disorders'. Some of the common characteristics include consistent violation of societal norms, aggressive behavior towards people,and a disassociation to the emotion of empathy. These traits are also common amongst serial killers and if the maladaptive behaviors are not treated they have the potential to conceive a person that fantasizes about killing several victims and then fulfills their impulsivity when they are no longer capable of suppressing it
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juvenile_delinquency#Societal_consequences
Above is the definition for Juvenile delinquency. Not saying I wasn't one. It's the extreme matter that comes to thought. If I was this mental case. It would have been foreseen. Like in the paperwork that is applied at the bottom of this blog. Also, I would have exhibited these behaviors afterwards, through my adult years. Going through the criminal justice system, over and over again. Remember, I still went to work, volenteered, applied myself to social groups and going to other hospitals or medical centers for help. I pushed myself to make tons of efford, with little result.
Recently, I got an e-mail from someone that read the blog and said they understood. They also mention, I condem myself for issues that were beyond my control. Taking the blame for other peoples responsibilities. I wrote back, telling him. I am to blame cause I gave those beings in my life that control. It's the reason why I am so hard on myself. Why I let those people drive me to the edge of my sanity. I wanted to let it go, but it wasn't about that. It was about them letting go. Which was not going to happen.
Accusations and Excuses
I stayed slient, because I did not see the croruption that surrounded me. Being naive at the time, but still not a full excuse. I always heard people talk game, gossip, rumors. Which as anyone would know, sometimes has a ripple effect. My mother and the two others. Cliff and John were no different. No one wanted to believe me because I was labeled the trouble maker. After while of having this reputation for so many years, I started to see where it was coming from. We all like to ask about the latest gossip, but do not ask where it's coming from. Most of all, are they a reliable source.
A women who knew of my situation, a co worker. Advised, that I should write an angry memoir. This was around the time when I was living at Countryside. Working at the Home depot as a cashier. In Edison Nj. The idea. The seed. Hence my sinster plan! Whoa! The plot thickens. That would be a saracastic undertone. Everytime, I reminisce about my mother, that phone call. All our problems, not to mention using my ssn number. The info that Cliff knew. It made no sense to me, at that time. I could not go back to her. She kept running her mouth to anyone. Since I knew Cliff and John so well, pasted experience. Them being messes themselves. It would not be hard to get a confession out of them. At least, so I thought.
I had to do something, so I took the co workers idea. I would write a book about my issues. Just two or three dud copies. Showing my experiences. Using name's as Broadway, aka Hollywood aka John Halm. I called it, Fast Forward Faggot. Pathic but I found it funny. LOL. The plan was to go back to Cliff, which was what he wanted. He was at my apartment most of the time. When his deed was done, he would leave. Why would anyone keep this going? He was all I had at the time. I did love him. Not to mention, he was there at the times when my family was not. I could not get past that Betrayal though. I could not get past his lies, the paraniod game( mutter something under your breath so the other person could barely here you. Mind games.)His other flings, with John. Not to mention the the cars that were, "FIXED." Also, the Roxy issue.So I moved back in with him. Sleeping in the guest bedroom/office. I seprate myself from him, but kept a close watch. Playing a head game till he cofessed to the roxy issue. I printed up copies, and placed them under the cheap walmart shelf system. Also, another false draft on his computer.
There was no intention to harm Cliff. None whatsoever, just to get him to confess. Having the motto from cruel intentions. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!" Always trying to be two steps ahead. Not to mention, to see how much infomation mother had told them. This was exhausting. Always showing this false appearance. Working two full time jobs, security guard and the delivery job. Going to school part time. Lincoln tech. Not to mention, going out to the club Roxy. To spark up what happen that New years. It wasn't what happen that night that bothered me, ticked me off. Yes. It was everything that was in between. There was even the time, Cliff and I went to the Roxy for the holloween party, I went as some dumbass angel and him a werewolf. We even had our picture taken for HX mag or was it Next. Anyway, I brought Cliff back up to the balcony where it went down. Turned to him, got close and whispered. "Remember this SPOT?" he looked into my eyes with a panic and walked away.
Now, that I look back at that moment. I should have pushed him off the balcony. Whatever. In my opinion, my mother did have something to do with this. For her reasons, well look at the records down below. She bad mouth me as much as she could to get Respect. Blackballed here. Or it was 90's Tough LOVE. Someone took tough love a little too far. Why? Well, control and power. Does anybody think that she was really going to tell me that I was adopted. This was her way of leverage over me. I would had to come back sooner or later.
Another issue, the many Accusations. So here is 50,000.00 question. If what these three people have to say is true. Why didn't they do anything before. They took it for granted and though it was going to go away. It's easier taking advantage of the naive one, then it was for them to take the blame for themselves. So as a lesson here, before anyone can talk smack. Make sure you have some reasonable doubt behind it. Some proof. Suffer some Symptoms from a tramatic events. I had mine, why can't they be that forward? Do I smell bullshit? Reputations are at stake and no one wants a scandal . Also, here is another question. Why am I so convicted on doing this. Answer. Cause my life and sanity were at stake. And that is a fact, which is proven right here. I put this on myself. I made a choice, to take the ugly truth. Instead of the fabricated lie. You see, I made a ultimatum here. Either they tell the truth about themselves or I will do it for them. By showing what has happen to me. Fact of the matter. They will never be this truthful with out using some excuse.
Freehold Centra State
I really can't say much about that hospital records. I think when someone looks over them. They will see what I mean. All that bullshit from that past. Blaming myself for what happend. Knowing I was driving my family away. My sister tell me that they were leaving me behind. That just set things motion, like a ticking time bomb ready to go off. It was the summer of 2000. Working two part time jobs, at a local supermarket and the burger king right out in front of the friendship shopping plaza in howell nj. My last year of high school coming up.
When this incident happend, I just got home. Found a letter, taped to my bedroom door. Written from my mother damanding money for rent. It was suppose to teach responablity. Which didn't mind that but what made me crack, was the way she said it. I could go on more about this but I will not. The bomb went off. My anger got the best of me. I flipped. Kicking in a grandmother clock window. Throwing a dinning room chair threw the window the front. Another chair threw the kitchen/dinning room window in the back. The rage was boiling threw me, till I saw I was bleeding. I had puncture my left ankle.
I could go on more, how I was singing, and laughing inappropriately like a child. "Do you think your better off alone, do you think your better off alone!" Being rushed into the ER. Everything was a daze, so many emotions all at once. This was not me at all. This nightmare, was a new beginng for my adult years. Something that I don't want to remember. The paperwork anyone can see when I came in, how I was treated. What was in my system, which was nothing. But last, how I was dischraged. Abrasions/Muitiple Stress.
To be honest with anyone right now. This is getting harder and harder for me to write. Reliving all these issues, and the reasons why and what I thought I was to blame for. Taking this label, and embracing it but never dealing with it fully. The label of being trouble maker, a Juvenile Delinquent, a whore, etc. etc. etc. These stigmas are what poeple used. The insecurities. Which majority of people pry on. Once someone embraces these labels, forced to take it. It's easier to place the blame on that person. Anyway, I will end this matter. I will go back to some damn qoute. It's from a TV show. Point Pleasent. "Crazy people see the truth for what it is. That's the reason why the go crazy, because they can't handle the truth!"
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Juvenile delinquency refers to abnormal social or legal behavior by children or adolescents, for dealing with juveniles, such as juvenile detention centers. There are a multitude of different theories on the causes of crime, most if not all of which can be applied to the causes of youth crime.
A Juvenile Delinquent is one who repeatedly commits crime. These juvenile delinquents sometimes have mental disorders/behavioral issues such as post traumatic stress disorder or bipolar disorder, and are sometimes diagnosed with conduct disorder[1] partially as a result of their delinquent behaviors.
Contents
1 Juvenile sex crimes
2 Social disorganization
3 Differential association
4 Labeling
5 Male phenomenon
6 Risk factors
6.1 Individual risk factors
6.2 Mental disorders
6.3 Family environment
6.4 Prevention
7 Societal consequences
Juvenile sex crimes
Minor commit sexual crimes refer to individuals adjudicated in a criminal court for a sexual crimes are defined as sexually abusive behavior committed by a person under the age of 18 that is perpetrated “against the victim’s will, without consent, and in an aggressive, exploitative, manipulative, or threatening manner."
Examining prevalence data and the characteristics of juvenile sex offenders is a fundamental component to obtain a precise understanding of this heterogeneous group. With mandatory reporting laws in place, it became a necessity for providers to report any incidents of disclosed sexual abuse.
Social disorganization
Current positivist approaches generally focus on the culture. A type of criminological theory attributing variation in crime and delinquency over time and among territories to the absence or breakdown of communal institutions (e.g. family, school, church and social groups.) and communal relationships that traditionally encouraged cooperative relationships among people.
Merton's suggests five adaptations to this dilemma:
1.Innovation: individuals who accept socially approved goals, but not necessarily the socially approved means.
2.Retreatism: those who reject socially approved goals and the means for acquiring them.
3.Ritualism: those who buy into a system of socially approved means, but lose sight of the goals. Merton believed that drug users are in this category.
4.Conformity: those who conform to the system's means and goals.
5.Rebellion: people who negate socially approved goals and means by creating a new system of acceptable goals and means.
A difficulty with strain theory is that it does not explore why children of low-income families would have poor educational attainment in the first place. More importantly is the fact that much youth crime does not have an economic motivation. Strain theory fails to explain violent crime, the type of youth crime which causes most anxiety to the public.
Differential association
The theory of Differential association also deals with young people in a group context, and looks at how peer pressure and the existence of gangs could lead them into crime. It suggests young people are motivated to commit crimes by delinquent peers, and learn criminal skills from them. The diminished influence of peers after men marry has also been cited as a factor in desisting from offending. There is strong evidence that young people with criminal friends are more likely to commit crimes themselves[citation needed]. However it may be the case that offenders prefer to associate with one another, rather than delinquent peers causing someone to start offending. Furthermore there is the question of how the delinquent peer group became delinquent initially.
Labeling
Labeling theory states that once young people have been labelled as criminal they are more likely to offend. (Eadie & Morley: 2003 p. 552) The idea is that once labelled as deviant a young person may accept that role, and be more likely to associate with others who have been similarly labelled. (Eadie & Morley: 2003 p. 552) Labelling theorists say that male children from poor families are more likely to be labelled deviant, and that this may partially explain why there are more lower-class young male offenders.(Walklate: 2003 p. 24)
Male phenomenon
Youth crime is disproportionately male: theorists and others have examined why this is the case. One suggestion is that ideas of masculinity may make young men more likely to offend. Being tough and reckless may be a way young men attempt to express their masculinity. Acting out these ideals may make young men more likely to engage in antisocial and criminal behaviour. Alternatively, rather than young men acting as they do because of societal pressure to conform to masculine ideals; young men may actually be naturally more aggressive, daring etc. As well as biological or psychological factors, the way young men are treated by their parents may make them more susceptible to offending. According to a study, adolescent males who possess a certain type of variation in a specific gene are more likely to flock to delinquent peers.
Risk factors
Individual risk factorsIndividual psychological or behavioural risk factors that may make offending more likely include intelligence, impulsiveness or the inability to delay gratification, aggression, empathy, and restlessness. (Farrington: 2002) Children with low intelligence are likely to do worse in school. This may increase the chances of offending because low educational attainment, a low attachment to school, and low educational aspirations are all risk factors for offending in themselves. (Walklate: 2003 p. 2) Children who perform poorly at school are also more likely to truant, which is also linked to offending. (Farrington: 2002 p. 682) If strain theory or subcultural theory are valid poor educational attainment could lead to crime as children were unable to attain wealth and status legally. However it must be born in mind that defining and measuring intelligence is troublesome. Young males are especially likely to be impulsive which could mean they disregard the long-term consequences of their actions, have a lack of self-control, and are unable to postpone immediate gratification.
Mental disorders
Conduct disorder usually develops during childhood and manifests itself during an adolescence life. Some juvenile behavior is attributed to the diagnosable disorder known as conduct disorder. Juvenile delinquents who have recurring encounters with the criminal justice system are sometimes diagnosed with conduct disorders because they show a continuous disregard for their own and others safety and property. Once the juvenile continues to exhibit the same behavioral patterns and turns eighteen he is then at risk of being diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and much more prone to become a serious criminal offender. One of the main components used in diagnosing an adult with antisocial personality disorder consists of presenting documented history of conduct disorder before the age of 15. These two personality disorders are analogous in their erratic and aggressive behavior. This is why habitual juvenile offenders diagnosed with conduct disorder are likely to exhibit signs of antisocial personality disorder as they mature. Once the juveniles reach maturation their socially unacceptable behavior has grown into a life style and they develop into career criminals. "Career criminals begin committing antisocial behavior before entering grade school and are versatile in that they engage in an array of destructive behaviors, offend at exceedingly high rates, and are less likely to quit committing crime as they age.
Family environment
Family factors which may have an influence on offending include; the level of parental supervision, the way parents discipline a child, parental conflict or separation, criminal parents or siblings, and the quality of the parent-child relationship Children brought up by lone parents are more likely to start offending than those who live with two natural parents, however once the attachment a child feels towards their parent(s) and the level of parental supervision are taken into account, children in single parent families are no more likely to offend than others. Conflict between a child's parents is also much more closely linked to offending than being raised by a lone parent. If a child has low parental supervision they are much more likely to offend. Many studies have found a strong correlation between a lack of supervision and offending, and it appears to be the most important family influence on offending.When parents commonly do not know where their children are, what their activities are, or who their friends are, children are more likely to truant from school and have delinquent friends, each of which are linked to offending. A lack of supervision is connected to poor relationships between children and parents, as children who are often in conflict with their parents may be less willing to discuss their activities with them. Children with a weak attachment to their parents are more likely to offend.
Prevention Delinquency
Prevention is the broad term for all efforts aimed at preventing youth from becoming involved in criminal, or other antisocial, activity. Increasingly, governments are recognizing the importance of allocating resources for the prevention of delinquency. Because it is often difficult for states to provide the fiscal resources necessary for good prevention, organizations, communities, and governments are working more in collaboration with each other to prevent juvenile delinquency.
With the development of delinquency in youth being influenced by numerous factors, prevention efforts are comprehensive in scope. Prevention services include activities such as substance abuse education and treatment, family counseling, youth mentoring, parenting education, educational support, and youth sheltering.
- Reductionism - e.g. over-simplifying complex experiences and circumstances by converting them to simple quantities, relying on a psychosocial focus whilst neglecting potential socio-structural and political influences;
- Determinism - e.g. characterizing young people as passive victims of risk experiences with no ability to construct, negotiate or resist risk;
- Imputation - e.g. assuming that risk factors and definitions of offending are homogeneous across countries and cultures, assuming that statistical correlations between risk factors and offending actually represent causal relationships, assuming that risk factors apply to individuals on the basis of aggregated data.
Societal consequences
Once the juvenile offender reaches maturation he or she is likely to continue exhibiting maladaptive behaviors and increases his risk of being cycled through the criminal justice system as an adult offender. Due to the small population of habitual adult and juvenile offenders attributing for the large percentage of violent crimes (i.e. murder and aggravated assault) the criminal justice system should supervise the small population of career criminals in an effort to prevent the spawning of serious violent offenders. If mental disorders such as conduct disorder go undiagnosed and untreated the juvenile offender has the increased potential to later develop antisocial personality disorder and continue his life as a career criminal. The majority of violent offenders exhibit characteristics of antisocial personality disorder and exhibit it no later than age 15. Antisocial personality disorder is a common diagnosis for a serial killer. Authors Alvarez and Bachman found that one similarity among serial killers was their prior criminal convictions. In this case conduct disorder can become a probable constituent to serial murder if not diagnosed and treated before it fully develops in adulthood as antisocial personality disorder. Both conduct disorder and antisocial personality disorder are categorized as personality disorders under the DSM-IV-TR and share extremely similar definitions as explained above in 'Mental Disorders'. Some of the common characteristics include consistent violation of societal norms, aggressive behavior towards people,and a disassociation to the emotion of empathy. These traits are also common amongst serial killers and if the maladaptive behaviors are not treated they have the potential to conceive a person that fantasizes about killing several victims and then fulfills their impulsivity when they are no longer capable of suppressing it
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juvenile_delinquency#Societal_consequences
Above is the definition for Juvenile delinquency. Not saying I wasn't one. It's the extreme matter that comes to thought. If I was this mental case. It would have been foreseen. Like in the paperwork that is applied at the bottom of this blog. Also, I would have exhibited these behaviors afterwards, through my adult years. Going through the criminal justice system, over and over again. Remember, I still went to work, volenteered, applied myself to social groups and going to other hospitals or medical centers for help. I pushed myself to make tons of efford, with little result.
Recently, I got an e-mail from someone that read the blog and said they understood. They also mention, I condem myself for issues that were beyond my control. Taking the blame for other peoples responsibilities. I wrote back, telling him. I am to blame cause I gave those beings in my life that control. It's the reason why I am so hard on myself. Why I let those people drive me to the edge of my sanity. I wanted to let it go, but it wasn't about that. It was about them letting go. Which was not going to happen.
Accusations and Excuses
I stayed slient, because I did not see the croruption that surrounded me. Being naive at the time, but still not a full excuse. I always heard people talk game, gossip, rumors. Which as anyone would know, sometimes has a ripple effect. My mother and the two others. Cliff and John were no different. No one wanted to believe me because I was labeled the trouble maker. After while of having this reputation for so many years, I started to see where it was coming from. We all like to ask about the latest gossip, but do not ask where it's coming from. Most of all, are they a reliable source.
A women who knew of my situation, a co worker. Advised, that I should write an angry memoir. This was around the time when I was living at Countryside. Working at the Home depot as a cashier. In Edison Nj. The idea. The seed. Hence my sinster plan! Whoa! The plot thickens. That would be a saracastic undertone. Everytime, I reminisce about my mother, that phone call. All our problems, not to mention using my ssn number. The info that Cliff knew. It made no sense to me, at that time. I could not go back to her. She kept running her mouth to anyone. Since I knew Cliff and John so well, pasted experience. Them being messes themselves. It would not be hard to get a confession out of them. At least, so I thought.
I had to do something, so I took the co workers idea. I would write a book about my issues. Just two or three dud copies. Showing my experiences. Using name's as Broadway, aka Hollywood aka John Halm. I called it, Fast Forward Faggot. Pathic but I found it funny. LOL. The plan was to go back to Cliff, which was what he wanted. He was at my apartment most of the time. When his deed was done, he would leave. Why would anyone keep this going? He was all I had at the time. I did love him. Not to mention, he was there at the times when my family was not. I could not get past that Betrayal though. I could not get past his lies, the paraniod game( mutter something under your breath so the other person could barely here you. Mind games.)His other flings, with John. Not to mention the the cars that were, "FIXED." Also, the Roxy issue.So I moved back in with him. Sleeping in the guest bedroom/office. I seprate myself from him, but kept a close watch. Playing a head game till he cofessed to the roxy issue. I printed up copies, and placed them under the cheap walmart shelf system. Also, another false draft on his computer.
There was no intention to harm Cliff. None whatsoever, just to get him to confess. Having the motto from cruel intentions. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!" Always trying to be two steps ahead. Not to mention, to see how much infomation mother had told them. This was exhausting. Always showing this false appearance. Working two full time jobs, security guard and the delivery job. Going to school part time. Lincoln tech. Not to mention, going out to the club Roxy. To spark up what happen that New years. It wasn't what happen that night that bothered me, ticked me off. Yes. It was everything that was in between. There was even the time, Cliff and I went to the Roxy for the holloween party, I went as some dumbass angel and him a werewolf. We even had our picture taken for HX mag or was it Next. Anyway, I brought Cliff back up to the balcony where it went down. Turned to him, got close and whispered. "Remember this SPOT?" he looked into my eyes with a panic and walked away.
Now, that I look back at that moment. I should have pushed him off the balcony. Whatever. In my opinion, my mother did have something to do with this. For her reasons, well look at the records down below. She bad mouth me as much as she could to get Respect. Blackballed here. Or it was 90's Tough LOVE. Someone took tough love a little too far. Why? Well, control and power. Does anybody think that she was really going to tell me that I was adopted. This was her way of leverage over me. I would had to come back sooner or later.
Another issue, the many Accusations. So here is 50,000.00 question. If what these three people have to say is true. Why didn't they do anything before. They took it for granted and though it was going to go away. It's easier taking advantage of the naive one, then it was for them to take the blame for themselves. So as a lesson here, before anyone can talk smack. Make sure you have some reasonable doubt behind it. Some proof. Suffer some Symptoms from a tramatic events. I had mine, why can't they be that forward? Do I smell bullshit? Reputations are at stake and no one wants a scandal . Also, here is another question. Why am I so convicted on doing this. Answer. Cause my life and sanity were at stake. And that is a fact, which is proven right here. I put this on myself. I made a choice, to take the ugly truth. Instead of the fabricated lie. You see, I made a ultimatum here. Either they tell the truth about themselves or I will do it for them. By showing what has happen to me. Fact of the matter. They will never be this truthful with out using some excuse.
Freehold Centra State
I really can't say much about that hospital records. I think when someone looks over them. They will see what I mean. All that bullshit from that past. Blaming myself for what happend. Knowing I was driving my family away. My sister tell me that they were leaving me behind. That just set things motion, like a ticking time bomb ready to go off. It was the summer of 2000. Working two part time jobs, at a local supermarket and the burger king right out in front of the friendship shopping plaza in howell nj. My last year of high school coming up.
When this incident happend, I just got home. Found a letter, taped to my bedroom door. Written from my mother damanding money for rent. It was suppose to teach responablity. Which didn't mind that but what made me crack, was the way she said it. I could go on more about this but I will not. The bomb went off. My anger got the best of me. I flipped. Kicking in a grandmother clock window. Throwing a dinning room chair threw the window the front. Another chair threw the kitchen/dinning room window in the back. The rage was boiling threw me, till I saw I was bleeding. I had puncture my left ankle.
I could go on more, how I was singing, and laughing inappropriately like a child. "Do you think your better off alone, do you think your better off alone!" Being rushed into the ER. Everything was a daze, so many emotions all at once. This was not me at all. This nightmare, was a new beginng for my adult years. Something that I don't want to remember. The paperwork anyone can see when I came in, how I was treated. What was in my system, which was nothing. But last, how I was dischraged. Abrasions/Muitiple Stress.
To be honest with anyone right now. This is getting harder and harder for me to write. Reliving all these issues, and the reasons why and what I thought I was to blame for. Taking this label, and embracing it but never dealing with it fully. The label of being trouble maker, a Juvenile Delinquent, a whore, etc. etc. etc. These stigmas are what poeple used. The insecurities. Which majority of people pry on. Once someone embraces these labels, forced to take it. It's easier to place the blame on that person. Anyway, I will end this matter. I will go back to some damn qoute. It's from a TV show. Point Pleasent. "Crazy people see the truth for what it is. That's the reason why the go crazy, because they can't handle the truth!"
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Schooling Records / Trashy Formulas
I have been concentrating all my energy on bartending school. FYI, I got and 85% on my written exam and a 19 out of 21 out of my pour test. Happy? Yes. It's not much but at least I have something under my belt. Back to the main objective, this blog. I always have a qoute to begin or end these blogs. Some doctrine that I got from philosophers, films, culture. ETC. ETC. ETC. This quote comes from, Dolores Claiborne. A movie that I don't compare myself to. I asked for a copy of this book at my abhorrent halt at middlesex county adult correction center. We will get more into my stay later. Ridiculous as it may sound, someone got me a copy. The cover torned off but still in good condition. I was looking for this specific entity. " Sometimes you have to be a high ridding bitch to survive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a women has to hold onto!" Last time, I checked. I still had a dick. So as I do with most qoutes and comments. I take it. Let it work for me, and leave the rest behind. "Sometimes you have to be a high ridding bitch to surive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a cocksucker has to hold onto!" Thank you, Stephen King. Thank you.
First, of all. I said something about a plan. Which was to get these three people to put there foot in there mouths. Also, knowing that Cliff, John, and my mother. Would not take it to court. They had there chance before. Even with the last blog. They could have sued. It's been over three years now. I'm going to post the transcript from Howell township court. From the first time, I had the mental break at my parents place. I had to take the charges for my responsibility but the factor that gets to me. Is it went to Monmouth County Superior Court, first! Then got knocked down to Howell township court. Which my mother never even showed up for. A waste of tax payers money, in my personal opinion. I had to take a guilty plea for criminal mischief and breach of peace. I heard the excuse before that "someone" felt sorry for me. That's the reason why they didn't press charges. HELLO, CHARGES WERE ALREADY PRESSED. By the state and township.
Anyway, If this was true. Don't you think someone would have been by my bed side at the many hospitals. Make a genuine attempt to be sympathic. Some sort of authentic human compassion. Like I did. I guess, that was too much to ask for. BE THE BIGGER MAN, as most people told me I should be. To be honest, I didn't know what was really going on at the time. I was still naive. It not an excuse, but it is good reasoning. I took the plea and did what I had to do. Before, I go more into this drama. I'm going to imply something else that came to my realization.
SIGNS. I don't mean the movie. In which, most people saw but either didn't do anything about it, or could not do anything about. This blog here. This entry will show at least some of those signs. Not to point out actuations or to say that they are fully to blame. It just to state the obvious. I am to blame for my own naive actions in which I didn't understand or didn't want to understand. This is the groing up process in which was slowed down. Prolonged. Or even stunted. Two articles, and there web links are posted on this blog. To help prove my theroy, which is coming into question. It is, what it is. One student from bartending school used to say as her motto. No one can say, I'm not fucking trying.
Emotional Trauma and Memory Loss
Emotional or psychological trauma can also affect your memory. Memory loss is a natural survival skill and defense mechanism humans develop to protect themselves from psychological damage. Violence, sexual abuse and other emotionally traumatic events can lead to dissociative amnesia, which helps a person cope by allowing them to temporarily forget details of the event. A person will often suppress memories of a traumatic event until they are ready to handle them, which may never occur.
Emotional trauma can also lead to post-traumatic stress disorder, which can manifest itself in different ways including flashbacks of the event and intrusive, unwanted thoughts about the trauma.
To read the whole article, here is the web address.
http://www.casapalmera.com/articles/how-trauma-affects-your-memory/
Effects on Middle and High School Students
These students exposed to a traumatic event feel self-conscious about their emotional responses to the event. They often experience feelings of shame and guilt about the traumatic event and may express fantasies about revenge and retribution. A traumatic event for adolescents may foster a radical shift in the way these students think about the world. Some of these adolescents may begin to engage in self-destructive or accident-prone behaviors, and reckless behaviors. There may be a shift in their interpersonal relationships with family members, teachers, and classmates. These students may show a change in their school performance, attendance, and behavior.
Variations among Students
In spite of our ability to predict general responses to trauma depending on age and developmental level, there is still tremendous variability among students regarding post-traumatic symptoms and the extent to which learning and school behavior may be disrupted. The variety of individual responses to trauma is related to many factors, including a student?s prior history of trauma or loss, prior or current mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, or behavior problems, and individual differences in temperament.
Effects of Trauma on the Ability to Learn
A traumatic event can seriously interrupt the school routine and the processes of teaching and learning. There are usually high levels of emotional upset, potential for disruptive behavior, or loss of student attendance unless efforts are made to reach out to students and staff with additional information and services. Students traumatized by exposure to violence have been shown to have lower grade point averages, more negative remarks in their cumulative records, and more reported absences from school than other students. They may have increased difficulties concentrating and learning at school and may engage in unusually reckless or aggressive behavior. Click here for a vignette on the way a single event affected three students differently.
The involvement of the school is critical in supporting students through the emotional and physical challenges they may face following an exposure to a traumatic event. Click here for information on Readiness, Response, and Recovery.
To read the whole artricle, go to this web address.
http://www.nctsnet.org/resources/audiences/school-personnel/effects-of-trauma
For school records, I will be posting my education. Elementary, Middle, and High school records. Even my trade school records. Not to show what a great student I was. To indicate, the drop. From those great A's, B's, and C's to D's and F's. A parents worst nightmare to some. Here some insight that few did know and most did not.
Rose A Galvin school, I would find myself sitting on the blacktop. In the conner. The colossal metal chain link fence looming over me. Gazing out into the hectic noise filled street, during recess. Just wondering and watching. A social behavior that is common for troubled youths, such like myself. I did have my few childhood friends, here and there. I was a odd ball kid. I get into a fights. I ran away a couple times. I even set fire to a waste paper basket. Playing with matches. Yeah..I was that kid. Yes, gave my mother, her family, and anyone else something to worry about. I could even write about how many people fondled with my dick. TMI? Honey, you don't even know the half of it. Though, not pissed about that. Who gives a shit. What I am trying to imply here, is the signs. What more can I say?
When the family and I moved to Jackson Nj, started out in a new school. H.C. Johnson elementary school. Then, C.W. Goetz Middle school. As for my gardes, they were not so bad. I still ran away from this household. Gee, I wonder why? Signs were there. I can bitch and complain about when I had kids picking on me. Or the first time, I heard someone call me a fag. The many of times I had chewing gum thrown into my hair. Or when being spit upon by other kids. That was public school for you. A way to deal with life and how to grow.
The biggest sign was the radical drop when it came to high school. As I said before, high school was a bitch for anyone who has ever attended. No matter who you are. I don't blame the school system. Nor do I blame my parents or anyone else. We were all learning. Not to mention dealing with other issues in our lives. We all just had to deal with it. There were times I would find my locker cleaned out. Only my school books were there. Placed in the order that I went to class. The many whispers and not to mention remarks. When I got jumpped. (Knew it was going to happen sooner or later.) I went to work right afterwards. Well, after the cops taking the statements and then getting checked out by the doctor. Long story, short I was sent home. Even though, the walk to work was about an hour. Back and forth. I'm not trying to whine here, I'm saying. Keep going. Suck it up, mother fucker. Suck it up.
Anyone who knows this drill. Knows what I am talking about. Tredding around the school with black and blue bruises. Going to work where kids from school banged on the grocery store window and laughed. The jumping wasn't really a gay bashing but the intention was. It happens. Some silly rumor that someone said I mention. I rememeber, one day these two muscle queens came rushing into the Doley's thriftway where I worked as a cashier. A good looking couple who moved from NY to the Regency Club apartemnts. They used to come by once it awhile. The bigger one used to do some harmless flirting. When they heard, they came by. They would not leave. Another guy stared making fun of me and before I could even turn around this muscle queen ran out and scared the shit out of him. When I got off work that night. They were there to take me home. They pleaed with me to get in the car. Now, I said this before, in the old insane blog. Bravery and stupidy walk hand and hand. Here was one of those moments. I told them, "If I don't walk home and stick to my routine, they'll win!"
Nothing happend, nothing was taken to court. We ended moving to the next town over. New school again, and things died down a bit. I did have a few friends who helped. Try to get info at centers, or give me a bit of gay culture at that time. If you had not noticed already my family situation was well, going down hill. I blamed myself, for bring these problems thought. In a way, I did bring this on myself. Anyway, I could go on more but were rounding to the last two years of my high school life. At Freehold township. This is where the first mental break got really out of hand. The hospital records, I will put up later. Which I will hint, there were no drugs involed. Even though, I wish there fucking was.
After my mental fip out, I had to turn myself in to the police. Stay with friends for awhile. I had to quit both jobs that I was working because my mother told everyone about how horrible of a kid I was. Not to mention, it was taken to Monmouth County Superior Court. Everything was happening so fast. I remember a girlfriend of mine that I went to school with was there. Hence, more fucking talk. My senior year, started well. It was great. Like when, I was pulled out of middle of english class in front of everyone, to be summons by the cops. What the hell was that. Some old scared straight bullshit.
My last year of high school was pretty much sugar coated. I told people, to vote me for porm queen, instead of prom king. I showed up with my boyfriend sugar daddy...what ever anyone may want to call it. Everyone knew, my life was well going to be ... SHIT but I stayed in that bubble. Sepressing each memeory so I could live on each day. Hence the article , how trauma affects your memeory. I remember, when I walked into the bathrrom. A guy from a click that I never chatted with was taking a leak. I walked in, started to wash my hands. I felt the moment of dread, waiting for him to say something. What cunty come back will I have to say now, ran threw my head. When I was done, I heard him speak. How do you do it? Not what I was expecting. Huh? was my reply. Looking at him, I saw something different in his behavior. How do you do it? I though for a moment, my reply. I don't know, I just do.
There are alot more problems from my school years which I do not want to share, but like I said I'm writting this to show some signs. We all had are bad times. Some people are not to blame as more then others. They didn't understand at that time. Maybe the articles will help, or it might just help me cope. There were just somethings and issues I could not take the blame for. There is one thing, I can't wait to be apart of the Antidepressant taking nation, because this shit sucks.
Lets jump off this subject matter and into another. A few "Words" that most people use as a credo, to ones own self. Yet, I don't think they fully conceive. Which takes a endurance of considration. Stating these words, wanted these notions. Can make a person a HYPOCRITE. Even such a person like myself but as humans we all are. Showing one side of ourselves, and not the other. Example, your work life compared to your home life. Being one personality, and then another. Most people want Loyalty, Respect, Honesty, Trust, but forget the price that comes with it. Manipulation, Power, Control, Dishonesty. You can't have one without the other. This lies in the person, making those choices of what they are willing to Sacrifice . For what they hope will be a better outcome for themselves and what they covent and pride on.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrite
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/credo
With the three people that I knew so well. Here are some of there sayings that stuck. Which I made it work for me. A talent that I have become so accustom too. As general as this may sound, it still affects me till this day.
The many sayings of Cliff Mulkey
1. It's my way or the highway!
My comment, Looks like someone didn't get his way.
2.It's the truth mixed with lies.
My comment, Yeah, until you have put the truth in to action.
3. Legend in his own little mind.
My comment, Someone has been watching to much fucking "Jawbreaker". Do I look like Julie Benz to you?
4. I'm a wed lock child too. You see here in this magazine. This guy I think he my twin.
My comment, none at this point.
5.You play, you pay.
My comment. I guess this blog would be the payment.
6. Incest in all realivtive.
My comment. Guess it takes one to know one right.
7. I want my LIFE back.
My comment. I WANT MY FUCKING YOUTH BACK!
8. Give them enough rope, they hang themselves.
My comment. Well, look who's hanging now. A victim of his own white trash philosophy.
The many sayings of John Halm
1. I'm going to sue for defamation of character.
My comment, This coming from the same person that proclaims how many lawsuits he has going on. But yet, nothing ever happens.
2. I like them young, dumb, and full of cum.
My comment, A motto that Cliff like to say as well but both agreed and joked about. ( Rolling eyes )
3. I have ties to the mob.
My comment, none what so ever. ( Rolling eyes, again! )
4. He's an escort.
My comment, This coming from a man that every boyfriend he had. Was an escort. Someone should really then take a good look at himself and ask why every man he's been with, was an escort.
5. He's a troll whore. ( Meaning Me.)
My comment, He's a home wrecking, walking pharmacy, drunk, pretentious, superficial, sociopathic, faggot ass, old whore. I'm just saying.
The next few sayings are from the police statements, picture down below.
6. Q you just learned his last name now?
A yeah i did.
Q How long have you been acquainted with them?
A I've been friends with cliff since 1989, around 1990, yeah.
Q how long have you know alex?
A the same time that cliff met him. How long ago, I don't know how long it's been.
Q And he's a roommate of cliff's i take it?
A Uh, he had no place to live and cliff took him in.
Q Alright.
A. We're all friends.
My comment. Would have been nice that he told the cops that Cliff and him were fucking too. But that was info everyone knew, even me.
7. Q do you have any idea why he was doing this to clifford?
A I'm not, this kid is a, a, believe he's a con artist, a BS-er, and he's been taking advantage of cliff's good nature, and he wouldn't leave his home and he's been a disaster for a long time. Just that cliff's a nice guy, you know, but what are you going to do. Try to tell him and get rid of him. But.
My comment...Put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel?
8. Q Alright. Is there anything you'd like to add to this statement?
A UM, 50 YEARS IN JAIL WOULD BE NICE!
My comment..Jail for 50 years, I guess he doesn't know that jail and prison are two different things but as my Public defender said after reading this aloud to me. " What a peice of work!"
9. Accidents will happen. You should get some life insurance.
My comment, SHADY BITCH. This saying was stated. When I sat in his car with him and Cliff. As I told them about the story a few days back when my gas pedal got stuck to the floor and flew down 287, going almost 90 miles per hour. The car Cliff fixed. He was the only one who worked on my cars too. Yes cars, this was not the first time this had happened. Must be a bad auto tech.
Now, somethings I do remember from my great mother of mine. These will always stick in my head now.
The many sayings of Marliyn Blodgett
1. Never put your drink down and walk away.
My comment. Thanks for the common sense tip.
2. I been treated worst by better fucking people.
My comment .. What a great gay come back.
3.Act your AGE, not your mother fucking shoe size.
My comment, I wish these 3 people who were so influential took this peice of advice.
4. The only thing you are good for is for sex. So you better learn how to cook.
My comment, well I'm off the chart nuts. Total kinky freak in bed. I think. ( Crazy bitch sex is the best! So I heard!) I cook okay as for comfort foods and bake a lot. Rachel Gay, I like to call myself. And I'm trying to get this insane blog published. Hell that one more then what my mother though I should be doing. GOALS.. GOALS.. GOALS!!!!! Nothing like setting the bar so high.
6. Show me who your friends are and I will tell you exactly who you are.
My comment. What happens when you have no friends. Then who are you really?
I think I said a mouthful of all sayings that were so inspiring to me. Really inspiring. That would be Sarcasm again. I'm going to leave this last saying for the over all. My mother use to say this all the time. I think anyone can relate but for those three, I hope they really take this to heart.
7. First time shame on you, second time shame on me!
My comment, First time shame on me...SECOND TIME ... SHAME ON YOU!
First, of all. I said something about a plan. Which was to get these three people to put there foot in there mouths. Also, knowing that Cliff, John, and my mother. Would not take it to court. They had there chance before. Even with the last blog. They could have sued. It's been over three years now. I'm going to post the transcript from Howell township court. From the first time, I had the mental break at my parents place. I had to take the charges for my responsibility but the factor that gets to me. Is it went to Monmouth County Superior Court, first! Then got knocked down to Howell township court. Which my mother never even showed up for. A waste of tax payers money, in my personal opinion. I had to take a guilty plea for criminal mischief and breach of peace. I heard the excuse before that "someone" felt sorry for me. That's the reason why they didn't press charges. HELLO, CHARGES WERE ALREADY PRESSED. By the state and township.
Anyway, If this was true. Don't you think someone would have been by my bed side at the many hospitals. Make a genuine attempt to be sympathic. Some sort of authentic human compassion. Like I did. I guess, that was too much to ask for. BE THE BIGGER MAN, as most people told me I should be. To be honest, I didn't know what was really going on at the time. I was still naive. It not an excuse, but it is good reasoning. I took the plea and did what I had to do. Before, I go more into this drama. I'm going to imply something else that came to my realization.
SIGNS. I don't mean the movie. In which, most people saw but either didn't do anything about it, or could not do anything about. This blog here. This entry will show at least some of those signs. Not to point out actuations or to say that they are fully to blame. It just to state the obvious. I am to blame for my own naive actions in which I didn't understand or didn't want to understand. This is the groing up process in which was slowed down. Prolonged. Or even stunted. Two articles, and there web links are posted on this blog. To help prove my theroy, which is coming into question. It is, what it is. One student from bartending school used to say as her motto. No one can say, I'm not fucking trying.
Emotional Trauma and Memory Loss
Emotional or psychological trauma can also affect your memory. Memory loss is a natural survival skill and defense mechanism humans develop to protect themselves from psychological damage. Violence, sexual abuse and other emotionally traumatic events can lead to dissociative amnesia, which helps a person cope by allowing them to temporarily forget details of the event. A person will often suppress memories of a traumatic event until they are ready to handle them, which may never occur.
Emotional trauma can also lead to post-traumatic stress disorder, which can manifest itself in different ways including flashbacks of the event and intrusive, unwanted thoughts about the trauma.
To read the whole article, here is the web address.
http://www.casapalmera.com/articles/how-trauma-affects-your-memory/
Effects on Middle and High School Students
These students exposed to a traumatic event feel self-conscious about their emotional responses to the event. They often experience feelings of shame and guilt about the traumatic event and may express fantasies about revenge and retribution. A traumatic event for adolescents may foster a radical shift in the way these students think about the world. Some of these adolescents may begin to engage in self-destructive or accident-prone behaviors, and reckless behaviors. There may be a shift in their interpersonal relationships with family members, teachers, and classmates. These students may show a change in their school performance, attendance, and behavior.
Variations among Students
In spite of our ability to predict general responses to trauma depending on age and developmental level, there is still tremendous variability among students regarding post-traumatic symptoms and the extent to which learning and school behavior may be disrupted. The variety of individual responses to trauma is related to many factors, including a student?s prior history of trauma or loss, prior or current mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, or behavior problems, and individual differences in temperament.
Effects of Trauma on the Ability to Learn
A traumatic event can seriously interrupt the school routine and the processes of teaching and learning. There are usually high levels of emotional upset, potential for disruptive behavior, or loss of student attendance unless efforts are made to reach out to students and staff with additional information and services. Students traumatized by exposure to violence have been shown to have lower grade point averages, more negative remarks in their cumulative records, and more reported absences from school than other students. They may have increased difficulties concentrating and learning at school and may engage in unusually reckless or aggressive behavior. Click here for a vignette on the way a single event affected three students differently.
The involvement of the school is critical in supporting students through the emotional and physical challenges they may face following an exposure to a traumatic event. Click here for information on Readiness, Response, and Recovery.
To read the whole artricle, go to this web address.
http://www.nctsnet.org/resources/audiences/school-personnel/effects-of-trauma
For school records, I will be posting my education. Elementary, Middle, and High school records. Even my trade school records. Not to show what a great student I was. To indicate, the drop. From those great A's, B's, and C's to D's and F's. A parents worst nightmare to some. Here some insight that few did know and most did not.
Rose A Galvin school, I would find myself sitting on the blacktop. In the conner. The colossal metal chain link fence looming over me. Gazing out into the hectic noise filled street, during recess. Just wondering and watching. A social behavior that is common for troubled youths, such like myself. I did have my few childhood friends, here and there. I was a odd ball kid. I get into a fights. I ran away a couple times. I even set fire to a waste paper basket. Playing with matches. Yeah..I was that kid. Yes, gave my mother, her family, and anyone else something to worry about. I could even write about how many people fondled with my dick. TMI? Honey, you don't even know the half of it. Though, not pissed about that. Who gives a shit. What I am trying to imply here, is the signs. What more can I say?
When the family and I moved to Jackson Nj, started out in a new school. H.C. Johnson elementary school. Then, C.W. Goetz Middle school. As for my gardes, they were not so bad. I still ran away from this household. Gee, I wonder why? Signs were there. I can bitch and complain about when I had kids picking on me. Or the first time, I heard someone call me a fag. The many of times I had chewing gum thrown into my hair. Or when being spit upon by other kids. That was public school for you. A way to deal with life and how to grow.
The biggest sign was the radical drop when it came to high school. As I said before, high school was a bitch for anyone who has ever attended. No matter who you are. I don't blame the school system. Nor do I blame my parents or anyone else. We were all learning. Not to mention dealing with other issues in our lives. We all just had to deal with it. There were times I would find my locker cleaned out. Only my school books were there. Placed in the order that I went to class. The many whispers and not to mention remarks. When I got jumpped. (Knew it was going to happen sooner or later.) I went to work right afterwards. Well, after the cops taking the statements and then getting checked out by the doctor. Long story, short I was sent home. Even though, the walk to work was about an hour. Back and forth. I'm not trying to whine here, I'm saying. Keep going. Suck it up, mother fucker. Suck it up.
Anyone who knows this drill. Knows what I am talking about. Tredding around the school with black and blue bruises. Going to work where kids from school banged on the grocery store window and laughed. The jumping wasn't really a gay bashing but the intention was. It happens. Some silly rumor that someone said I mention. I rememeber, one day these two muscle queens came rushing into the Doley's thriftway where I worked as a cashier. A good looking couple who moved from NY to the Regency Club apartemnts. They used to come by once it awhile. The bigger one used to do some harmless flirting. When they heard, they came by. They would not leave. Another guy stared making fun of me and before I could even turn around this muscle queen ran out and scared the shit out of him. When I got off work that night. They were there to take me home. They pleaed with me to get in the car. Now, I said this before, in the old insane blog. Bravery and stupidy walk hand and hand. Here was one of those moments. I told them, "If I don't walk home and stick to my routine, they'll win!"
Nothing happend, nothing was taken to court. We ended moving to the next town over. New school again, and things died down a bit. I did have a few friends who helped. Try to get info at centers, or give me a bit of gay culture at that time. If you had not noticed already my family situation was well, going down hill. I blamed myself, for bring these problems thought. In a way, I did bring this on myself. Anyway, I could go on more but were rounding to the last two years of my high school life. At Freehold township. This is where the first mental break got really out of hand. The hospital records, I will put up later. Which I will hint, there were no drugs involed. Even though, I wish there fucking was.
After my mental fip out, I had to turn myself in to the police. Stay with friends for awhile. I had to quit both jobs that I was working because my mother told everyone about how horrible of a kid I was. Not to mention, it was taken to Monmouth County Superior Court. Everything was happening so fast. I remember a girlfriend of mine that I went to school with was there. Hence, more fucking talk. My senior year, started well. It was great. Like when, I was pulled out of middle of english class in front of everyone, to be summons by the cops. What the hell was that. Some old scared straight bullshit.
My last year of high school was pretty much sugar coated. I told people, to vote me for porm queen, instead of prom king. I showed up with my boyfriend sugar daddy...what ever anyone may want to call it. Everyone knew, my life was well going to be ... SHIT but I stayed in that bubble. Sepressing each memeory so I could live on each day. Hence the article , how trauma affects your memeory. I remember, when I walked into the bathrrom. A guy from a click that I never chatted with was taking a leak. I walked in, started to wash my hands. I felt the moment of dread, waiting for him to say something. What cunty come back will I have to say now, ran threw my head. When I was done, I heard him speak. How do you do it? Not what I was expecting. Huh? was my reply. Looking at him, I saw something different in his behavior. How do you do it? I though for a moment, my reply. I don't know, I just do.
There are alot more problems from my school years which I do not want to share, but like I said I'm writting this to show some signs. We all had are bad times. Some people are not to blame as more then others. They didn't understand at that time. Maybe the articles will help, or it might just help me cope. There were just somethings and issues I could not take the blame for. There is one thing, I can't wait to be apart of the Antidepressant taking nation, because this shit sucks.
Lets jump off this subject matter and into another. A few "Words" that most people use as a credo, to ones own self. Yet, I don't think they fully conceive. Which takes a endurance of considration. Stating these words, wanted these notions. Can make a person a HYPOCRITE. Even such a person like myself but as humans we all are. Showing one side of ourselves, and not the other. Example, your work life compared to your home life. Being one personality, and then another. Most people want Loyalty, Respect, Honesty, Trust, but forget the price that comes with it. Manipulation, Power, Control, Dishonesty. You can't have one without the other. This lies in the person, making those choices of what they are willing to Sacrifice . For what they hope will be a better outcome for themselves and what they covent and pride on.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrite
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/credo
With the three people that I knew so well. Here are some of there sayings that stuck. Which I made it work for me. A talent that I have become so accustom too. As general as this may sound, it still affects me till this day.
The many sayings of Cliff Mulkey
1. It's my way or the highway!
My comment, Looks like someone didn't get his way.
2.It's the truth mixed with lies.
My comment, Yeah, until you have put the truth in to action.
3. Legend in his own little mind.
My comment, Someone has been watching to much fucking "Jawbreaker". Do I look like Julie Benz to you?
4. I'm a wed lock child too. You see here in this magazine. This guy I think he my twin.
My comment, none at this point.
5.You play, you pay.
My comment. I guess this blog would be the payment.
6. Incest in all realivtive.
My comment. Guess it takes one to know one right.
7. I want my LIFE back.
My comment. I WANT MY FUCKING YOUTH BACK!
8. Give them enough rope, they hang themselves.
My comment. Well, look who's hanging now. A victim of his own white trash philosophy.
The many sayings of John Halm
1. I'm going to sue for defamation of character.
My comment, This coming from the same person that proclaims how many lawsuits he has going on. But yet, nothing ever happens.
2. I like them young, dumb, and full of cum.
My comment, A motto that Cliff like to say as well but both agreed and joked about. ( Rolling eyes )
3. I have ties to the mob.
My comment, none what so ever. ( Rolling eyes, again! )
4. He's an escort.
My comment, This coming from a man that every boyfriend he had. Was an escort. Someone should really then take a good look at himself and ask why every man he's been with, was an escort.
5. He's a troll whore. ( Meaning Me.)
My comment, He's a home wrecking, walking pharmacy, drunk, pretentious, superficial, sociopathic, faggot ass, old whore. I'm just saying.
The next few sayings are from the police statements, picture down below.
6. Q you just learned his last name now?
A yeah i did.
Q How long have you been acquainted with them?
A I've been friends with cliff since 1989, around 1990, yeah.
Q how long have you know alex?
A the same time that cliff met him. How long ago, I don't know how long it's been.
Q And he's a roommate of cliff's i take it?
A Uh, he had no place to live and cliff took him in.
Q Alright.
A. We're all friends.
My comment. Would have been nice that he told the cops that Cliff and him were fucking too. But that was info everyone knew, even me.
7. Q do you have any idea why he was doing this to clifford?
A I'm not, this kid is a, a, believe he's a con artist, a BS-er, and he's been taking advantage of cliff's good nature, and he wouldn't leave his home and he's been a disaster for a long time. Just that cliff's a nice guy, you know, but what are you going to do. Try to tell him and get rid of him. But.
My comment...Put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel?
8. Q Alright. Is there anything you'd like to add to this statement?
A UM, 50 YEARS IN JAIL WOULD BE NICE!
My comment..Jail for 50 years, I guess he doesn't know that jail and prison are two different things but as my Public defender said after reading this aloud to me. " What a peice of work!"
9. Accidents will happen. You should get some life insurance.
My comment, SHADY BITCH. This saying was stated. When I sat in his car with him and Cliff. As I told them about the story a few days back when my gas pedal got stuck to the floor and flew down 287, going almost 90 miles per hour. The car Cliff fixed. He was the only one who worked on my cars too. Yes cars, this was not the first time this had happened. Must be a bad auto tech.
Now, somethings I do remember from my great mother of mine. These will always stick in my head now.
The many sayings of Marliyn Blodgett
1. Never put your drink down and walk away.
My comment. Thanks for the common sense tip.
2. I been treated worst by better fucking people.
My comment .. What a great gay come back.
3.Act your AGE, not your mother fucking shoe size.
My comment, I wish these 3 people who were so influential took this peice of advice.
4. The only thing you are good for is for sex. So you better learn how to cook.
My comment, well I'm off the chart nuts. Total kinky freak in bed. I think. ( Crazy bitch sex is the best! So I heard!) I cook okay as for comfort foods and bake a lot. Rachel Gay, I like to call myself. And I'm trying to get this insane blog published. Hell that one more then what my mother though I should be doing. GOALS.. GOALS.. GOALS!!!!! Nothing like setting the bar so high.
6. Show me who your friends are and I will tell you exactly who you are.
My comment. What happens when you have no friends. Then who are you really?
I think I said a mouthful of all sayings that were so inspiring to me. Really inspiring. That would be Sarcasm again. I'm going to leave this last saying for the over all. My mother use to say this all the time. I think anyone can relate but for those three, I hope they really take this to heart.
7. First time shame on you, second time shame on me!
My comment, First time shame on me...SECOND TIME ... SHAME ON YOU!
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