"At 30, a man should know himself like the palm of his hand. Know the exact number of his defects and qualities, know how far he can go, foretell his failures, be what he is, and above all. Accept these things!" (Albert Camus)
The qoutes that I have within this blog are suppose to be empowering. The whole concept is suppose to be empowering. For anyone to take any infomation from here if they choose and apply it to themselves, in there own life. It was these quotes and this trashy common sense. That got me threw many of the burdensome times and my naive youth. With that said, I hope others can do the same. This is not meant, but can be implied for the 72,000 dollar higher educated. It's intended for those who are low rent. For the uneducated, who do have common sense. That's the reason why it so poorly written, with it's curses and foul language . It's so straight forward, that anyone. ANYONE...can comprehend and relate too. Cause I know, as much as anyone else. That there are many others, just like myself.
At times. I do remember from my past. Conversations from others, of me being phony. Or Narcissistic. This is all to common with poeple. Everyone has been threw this issue. It's so high schooler. As we know, anyone that says something like this. Has some Insecurities with themselves and that person. You would think that anyone that reads this blog would get a better perception of my personailty. Being phony, is more so a state of mind. At least to some individual and group logic. Fact of the matter, we are all phony in others perception and standards.
http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861725676/phony.html
Do I look up to myself? In a way, I could say yes. That I have faith in myself. This trust that I will pull threw. Being an astnostic, one who questions religion and it's many followers. I feel that I should be more forthright about this. I do find religion to be more or less courupted. It's up to the person to pick and choose what they want to learn or believe. "IF" there is a such unseen force or realm. I will find out when I get there. I am opening to it, but these are just my opinions. And, like the old saying goes. Opinions are like assholes. Everyone got one.
This does sounds insane, and I wish I was suffering from Dementia. It would make things a lot easier. This is not the case though. It's the coming to terms and the wising up. It one thing to wise up to one event. It's another to see everything for what it is. In a recent blog, I asked if anyone saw a pattern. I going to post two more hospital records, from two different hospitals. All together, that is four different hospitalization documents. This should indcate, what I am seeing. I asked this, if I was such a problem or there was a serious issue here. Don't you think someone would have caught it by now. The blog, "Hospital Records". Will get more into depth. In 3 different parts.
Not to mention, I already tried therapy. I am not that objecting to it, but I can say, I don't think it's going to work right now. With the many hostipals and the many attempts. This is the only step that I think will work. I have to do something about it. The patterns that are here. Shows one that is troubled, but also can see that it wasn't just me. Everyone was troubled. Let's put it this way, after getting out of jail. I could have went after the people I blamed. Doing something which would have resulted far worst. Now for those who disagree, here is an article that I think many can understand.
Mental Disorders in America
Mental disorders are common in the United States and internationally. An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.1 When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people.2 Even though mental disorders are widespread in the population, the main burden of illness is concentrated in a much smaller proportion — about 6 percent, or 1 in 17 — who suffer from a serious mental illness.1 In addition, mental disorders are the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and Canada.3 Many people suffer from more than one mental disorder at a given time. Nearly half (45 percent) of those with any mental disorder meet criteria for 2 or more disorders, with severity strongly related to comorbidity.1
In the U.S., mental disorders are diagnosed based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV).4
Mood Disorders
Mood disorders include major depressive disorder, dysthymic disorder, and bipolar disorder.
Approximately 20.9 million American adults, or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, have a mood disorder.1,2
The median age of onset for mood disorders is 30 years.5
Depressive disorders often co-occur with anxiety disorders and substance abuse.5
Major Depressive Disorder
Major Depressive Disorder is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15-44.3
Major depressive disorder affects approximately 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.1, 2
While major depressive disorder can develop at any age, the median age at onset is 32.5
Major depressive disorder is more prevalent in women than in men.6
Dysthymic Disorder
Symptoms of dysthymic disorder (chronic, mild depression) must persist for at least two years in adults (one year in children) to meet criteria for the diagnosis. Dysthymic disorder affects approximately 1.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.1, This figure translates to about 3.3 million American adults.2
The median age of onset of dysthymic disorder is 31.1
Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million American adults, or about 2.6 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.1, 2
The median age of onset for bipolar disorders is 25 years.5
Suicide
In 2006, 33,300 (approximately 11 per 100,000) people died by suicide in the U.S.7
More than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable mental disorder, most commonly a depressive disorder or a substance abuse disorder.8
The highest suicide rates in the U.S. are found in white men over age 85.9
Four times as many men as women die by suicide9; however, women attempt suicide two to three times as often as men.10
Schizophrenia
Approximately 2.4 million American adults, or about 1.1 percent of the population age 18 and older in a given year,11, 2 have schizophrenia.
Schizophrenia affects men and women with equal frequency.12
Schizophrenia often first appears in men in their late teens or early twenties. In contrast, women are generally affected in their twenties or early thirties.12
Anxiety Disorders
Anxiety disorders include panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and phobias (social phobia, agoraphobia, and specific phobia).
Approximately 40 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 18.1 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have an anxiety disorder.1,2
Anxiety disorders frequently co-occur with depressive disorders or substance abuse.1
Most people with one anxiety disorder also have another anxiety disorder. Nearly three-quarters of those with an anxiety disorder will have their first episode by age 21.5 5
Panic Disorder
Approximately 6 million American adults ages 18 and older, or about 2.7 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have panic disorder.1, 2
Panic disorder typically develops in early adulthood (median age of onset is 24), but the age of onset extends throughout adulthood.5
About one in three people with panic disorder develops agoraphobia, a condition in which the individual becomes afraid of being in any place or situation where escape might be difficult or help unavailable in the event of a panic attack.12
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Approximately 2.2 million American adults age 18 and older, or about 1.0 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have OCD.1, 2
The first symptoms of OCD often begin during childhood or adolescence, however, the median age of onset is 19.5
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Approximately 7.7 million American adults age 18 and older, or about 3.5 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have PTSD.1, 2
PTSD can develop at any age, including childhood, but research shows that the median age of onset is 23 years.5
About 19 percent of Vietnam veterans experienced PTSD at some point after the war.13 The disorder also frequently occurs after violent personal assaults such as rape, mugging, or domestic violence; terrorism; natural or human-caused disasters; and accidents.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Approximately 6.8 million American adults, or about 3.1 percent of people age 18 and over, have GAD in a given year.1, 2
GAD can begin across the life cycle, though the median age of onset is 31 years old.5
Social Phobia
Approximately 15 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 6.8 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have social phobia.1
Social phobia begins in childhood or adolescence, typically around 13 years of age.5
Agoraphobia
Agoraphobia involves intense fear and anxiety of any place or situation where escape might be difficult, leading to avoidance of situations such as being alone outside of the home; traveling in a car, bus, or airplane; or being in a crowded area.5
Approximately 1.8 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 0.8 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have agoraphobia without a history of panic disorder.1, 2
The median age of onset of agoraphobia is 20 years of age.5
Specific Phobia
Specific phobia involves marked and persistent fear and avoidance of a specific object or situation.
Approximately 19.2 million American adults age 18 and over, or about 8.7 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have some type of specific phobia.1, 2
Specific phobia typically begins in childhood; the median age of onset is seven years.5
Eating Disorders
The three main types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder.
In their lifetime, an estimated 0.6 percent of the adult population in the U.S. will suffer from anorexia, 1.0 percent from bulimia, and 2.8 percent from a binge eating disorder. 14
Women are much more likely than males to develop an eating disorder. They are three times as likely to experience anorexia (0.9 percent of women vs. 0.3 percent of men) and bulimia (1.5 percent of women vs. 0.5 percent of men) during their life. They are also 75 percent more likely to have a binge eating disorder (3.5 percent of women vs. 2.0 percent of men).14
The mortality rate among people with anorexia has been estimated at 0.56 percent per year, or approximately 5.6 percent per decade, which is about 12 times higher than the annual death rate due to all causes of death among females ages 15-24 in the general population.15
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
ADHD, one of the most common mental disorders in children and adolescents, also affects an estimated 4.1 percent of adults, ages 18-44, in a given year.1
ADHD usually becomes evident in preschool or early elementary years. The median age of onset of ADHD is seven years, although the disorder can persist into adolescence and occasionally into adulthood.5
Autism
Autism is part of a group of disorders called autism spectrum disorders (ASDs), also known as pervasive developmental disorders. ASDs range in severity, with autism being the most debilitating form while other disorders, such as Asperger syndrome, produce milder symptoms.
Estimating the prevalence of autism is difficult and controversial due to differences in the ways that cases are identified and defined, differences in study methods, and changes in diagnostic criteria. A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported the prevalence of autism among 8 year-olds to be about 1 in 110.16
Autism and other ASDs develop in childhood and generally are diagnosed by age three.17
Autism is about four times more common in boys than girls. Girls with the disorder, however, tend to have more severe symptoms and greater cognitive impairment.16,17
Personality Disorders
Personality disorders represent "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it."4 These patterns tend to be fixed and consistent across situations and are typically perceived to be appropriate by the individual even though they may markedly affect their day-to-day life in negative ways. Among American adults ages 18 and over, an estimated 9.1% have a diagnosable personality disorder.18 Several more common personality disorders include:
Antisocial Personality Disorder
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by an individual's disregard for social rules and cultural norms, impulsive behavior, and indifference to the rights and feelings of others.
Approximately 1.0 percent of people aged 18 or over have antisocial personality disorder.18
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social inhibition, sensitivity to negative evaluation, and feelings of inadequacy. Individuals with avoidant personality disorder frequently avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, or disliked.
An estimated 5.2 percent of people age 18 or older have an avoidant personality disorder.18
Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is defined by the DSM-IV as "a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.”
Approximately 1.6 percent of Americans age 18 or older have BPD.18
For More Information
Mental Health Information and Organizations from NLM's MedlinePlus (en Español).
References
1. Kessler RC, Chiu WT, Demler O, Walters EE. Prevalence, severity, and comorbidity of twelve-month DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005 Jun;62(6):617-27.
2. U.S. Census Bureau Population Estimates by Demographic Characteristics. Table 2: Annual Estimates of the Population by Selected Age Groups and Sex for the United States: April 1, 2000 to July 1, 2004 (NC-EST2004-02) Source: Population Division, U.S. Census Bureau Release Date: June 9, 2005. http://www.census.gov/popest/national/asrh/
3. The World Health Organization. The global burden of disease: 2004 update, Table A2: Burden of disease in DALYs by cause, sex and income group in WHO regions, estimates for 2004. Geneva, Switzerland: WHO, 2008. http://www.who.int/healthinfo/global_burden_disease/GBD_report_2004update_AnnexA.pdf.
4. American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual on Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press, 1994.
5. Kessler RC, Berglund PA, Demler O, Jin R, Walters EE. Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives of General Psychiatry. 2005 Jun;62(6):593-602.
6. Kessler RC, Berglund P, Demler O, Jin R, Koretz D, Merikangas KR, Rush AJ, Walters EE, Wang PS. The epidemiology of major depressive disorder: results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Journal of the American Medical Association, 2003; Jun 18;289(23):3095-105.
7. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System (WISQARS) : www.cdc.gov/ncipc/wisqars accessed April 2010.
8. Conwell Y, Brent D. Suicide and aging I: patterns of psychiatric diagnosis. International Psychogeriatrics, 1995; 7(2): 149-64.
9. Kochanek KD, Murphy SL, Anderson RN, Scott C. Deaths: final data for 2002. National Vital Statistics Reports. 2004 Oct 12;53 (5):1-115.
10. Weissman MM, Bland RC, Canino GJ, et al. Prevalence of suicide ideation and suicide attempts in nine countries. Psychological Medicine, 1999; 29(1): 9-17.
11. Regier DA, Narrow WE, Rae DS, Manderscheid RW, Locke BZ, Goodwin FK. The de facto mental and addictive disorders service system. Epidemiologic Catchment Area prospective 1-year prevalence rates of disorders and services. Archives of General Psychiatry. 1993 Feb;50(2):85-94.
12. Robins LN, Regier DA, eds. Psychiatric disorders in America: the Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study. New York: The Free Press, 1991.
13. Dohrenwend BP, Turner JB, Turse NA, Adams BG, Koen KC, Marshall R. The psychological risk of Vietnam for U.S. veterans: A revist with new data and methods. Science. 2006; 313(5789):979-982.
14. Hudson JI, Hiripi E, Pope HG, Kessler RC. The prevalence and correlates of eating disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Biol Psychiatry. 2007; 61:348-58.
15. Sullivan PF. Mortality in anorexia nervosa. American Journal of Psychiatry. 1995 Jul;152(7):1073-4.
16. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Prevalence of Autism Spectrum Disorders―Autism and Developmental Disabilities Monitoring Network, United States, 2006. MMWR Surveillance Summaries 2009;58(SS-10)
17. Fombonne E. Epidemiology of autism and related conditions. In: Volkmar FR, ed. Autism and pervasive developmental disorders. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press, 1998; 32-63.
18. Lenzenweger, M.F., Lane, M.C., Loranger, A.W., Kessler, R.C. (2007). DSM-IV personality disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Biological Psychiatry, 62(6), 553-564.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml
57.7 million people with a alarming trend that is increasing and that is in only 2004! That is alot of fucked up people! A book I touched upon is, Suggestions of Abuse. Which was interesting and informative. In one chapter, the author states. That 98 precent of people suffer from 3 or 4 traumas within there life span. I can believe that. This book talks about various topics. That I do and do not agree to. But here is what the library journal said.
Finally, a work of popular psychology whose purpose is not to convince readers that they are victims but to illuminate one of the most fascinating and distressing occurrences in recent years-the increase in sexual abuse accusations resulting from the recollection of repressed memories. While clinical psychologist Yapko asserts that memories of horrible events can indeed be repressed, so little is understood about both memory and the mind's receptivity to suggestion that it can be virtually impossible to distinguish genuine memories from false ones. In some instances, therapists are able to convince susceptible clients that they are victims of sexual abuse that may have never occurred. This book is recommended for all public libraries, and while it is not scholarly in the strictest sense, it would not be an inappropriate purchase for academic libraries.
Jennifer Amador, Central State Hosp. Medical Lib., Petersburg, Va.
Copyright 1994 Reed Business Information, Inc.
http://www.amazon.com/Suggestions-Abuse-Michael-Yapko-PhD/dp/0671874314
Now, I did point out that I did do drugs, in my lifetime. Well, here is something that should make others think before adding there own opinon though. I had a women comment to me, "This is what you get for doing drugs!" Okay well, if that is the case let me defend myself with this by this article.
Prescription Drugs Kill 300 Percent More Americans Than Illegal Drugs
Monday 10 November 2008
by: David Gutierrez | Natural News
A report by the Florida Medical Examiners Commission has concluded that prescription drugs have outstripped illegal drugs as a cause of death.
An analysis of 168,900 autopsies conducted in Florida in 2007 found that three times as many people were killed by legal drugs as by cocaine, heroin and all methamphetamines put together. According to state law enforcement officials, this is a sign of a burgeoning prescription drug abuse problem.
"The abuse has reached epidemic proportions," said Lisa McElhaney, a sergeant in the pharmaceutical drug diversion unit of the Broward County Sheriff's Office. "It's just explosive."
In 2007, cocaine was responsible for 843 deaths, heroin for 121, methamphetamines for 25 and marijuana for zero, for a total of 989 deaths. In contrast, 2,328 people were killed by opioid painkillers, including Vicodin and Oxycontin, and 743 were killed by drugs containing benzodiazepine, including the depressants Valium and Xanax.
Alcohol directly caused 466 deaths, but was found in the bodies of 4,179 cadavers in all.
While the number of dead bodies containing heroin jumped 14 percent from the prior year, to a total of 110, the number of deaths influenced by the painkiller oxycodone increased by 36 percent, to a total of 1,253.
Across the country, prescription drugs have become an increasingly popular alternative to the more difficult to acquire illegal drugs. Even as illegal drug use among teenagers have fallen, prescription drug abuse has increased. For example, while 4 percent of U.S. 12th graders were using Oxycontin in 2002, by 2005 that number had increased to 5.5 percent.
It's not hard for teens to come by prescription drugs, according to Sgt. Tracy Busby, supervisor of the Calaveras County, Calif., Sheriff's Office narcotics unit.
"You go to every medicine cabinet in the county, and I bet you're going to find some sort of prescription medicine in 95 percent of them," he said.
Adults can acquire prescriptions by faking injuries, or by visiting multiple doctors and pharmacies for the same health complaint. Some people get more drugs than they expect to need, then sell the extras.
"You have health care providers involved, you have doctor shoppers, and then there are crimes like robbing drug shipments," said Jeff Beasley of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. "There is a multitude of ways to get these drugs, and that's what makes things complicated."
And while some people may believe that the medicines' legality makes them less dangerous than illegal drugs, Tuolumne County, Calif., Sheriff's Office Deputy Dan Crow warns that this is not the case. Because everybody reacts differently to foreign chemicals, there is no way of predicting the exact response anyone will have to a given dosage. That is why prescription drugs are supposed to be taken under a doctor's supervision.
"All this stuff is poison," Crow said. "Your body will fight all of this stuff." Tuolumne County Health Officer Todd Stolp agreed. A prescription drug taken recreationally is "much like a firearm in the hands of someone who's not trained to use them," he said.
While anyone taking a prescription medicine runs a risk of negative effects, the drugs are even more dangerous when abused. For example, many painkillers are designed to have a delayed effect that fades out over time. This can lead recreational users to take more drugs before the old ones are out of their system, placing them at risk of an overdose. Likewise, the common practice of grinding pills up causes a large dose of drugs to hit the body all at once, with potentially dangerous consequences.
"A medication that was meant to be distributed over 24 hours has immediate effect," Stolp said.
Even more dangerous is the trend of mixing drugs with alcohol, which, like most popularly abused drugs, is a depressant.
"In the case of alcohol and drugs, one plus one equals more than two," said Tuolumne County Sheriff's Office spokesperson Lt. Dan Bressler.
Florida pays careful attention to drug-related deaths, and as such has significantly better data on the problem than any other state. But a recent study conducted by the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) suggests that the problem is indeed national. According to the DEA, the number of people abusing prescription drugs in the United States has jumped 80 percent in six years to seven million, or more than those abusing cocaine, Ecstasy, heroin, hallucinogens an inhalants put together.
Not surprisingly, there has been a corresponding increase in deaths. According to the Drug Abuse Warning Network, the number of emergency room visits related to painkillers has increased by 153 percent since 1995. And a 2007 report by the Justice Department National Intelligence Drug Center found that deaths related to the opioid methadone jumped from 786 in 1999 to 3,849 in 2004 - an increase of 390 percent.
Many experts attribute the trend to the increasing popularity among doctors of prescribing painkillers, combined with a leap in direct-to-consumer marketing by drug companies. For example, promotional spending on Oxycontin increased threefold between 1996 and 2001, to $30 million per year.
Sonora, Calif., pharmacist Eddie Howard reports that he's seen painkiller prescriptions jump dramatically in the last five years.
"I don't know that there is that much pain out there to demand such an increase," he said. The trend concerns Howard, and he tries to keep an eye out for patients who are coming in too frequently. But he admits that there is little he can do about the problem.
"When you have a lot of people waiting for prescriptions, it's hard to find time to play detective," he said.
Still, the situation makes Howard uncomfortable.
"It almost makes me a legalized drug dealer, and that's not a good position to be in," he said.
http://www.truth-out.org/111208HA
So for anyone that says I am jumping to conclusions. That I not thinking straight, or I am reading to much into it. Or who points out that this was about drugs. This is what I get. Wise up baby. Wise the fuck up. Get some insight. No one is any better. Spare me with the excuses. The problems were there with or without. Making this quote, very insightful. It's not the crazy ones you have out for, it the ones who consider themselves normal.
I am going jump off this subject because I think I said my peace. I noticed something that was very odd. Which I wonder why my motives are so different then most. Why don't I want to meet my biological father or my bother if there is any? Twin or half. The only thing I want to know. Who he is, his medical conditions or genetics. ( If anything was pasted down.) Also, if there is any truth to being a twin or half brother. That's all I want to know. I believe I stated this before. Not planning to add them to my x-mas card list. I don't want to be reunited nor that I blame him for what he did to my mother. I have no resentment towards him.
I feel that I have so many issues, that it is time for just myself. I don't want my issues onto bleed them. When they have such a life themselves to live. I find it wrong. Now, if there was a chance to rekinddle, I would keep an open mind. Maybe in the future but I do not see that happen anytime soon. That's the reason why I find this very strange. It's closure that I want, not saying that I am going to get it. To find out that your a resentment baby that came from a dishearting and emotional crazied mother. Is one thing. It's another thing though, that everyone was crazied in there own way. These inablers brought out something in me. In which, I do not want to tap into again.
I think this pretty much sums it up though, "Man is only normal in his natural environment, it is society that brings out his beast!" I believe it was Friedrich Nietzsche said something like this. Lastly, no one cares about your issues because they are to busy with there own. So why not do something about it.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Lies and Bullshit Theories
I can not say this is the higher road and majority of people may debate about this topic. Of course, I can say. I exhausted all other options without conforming. This book / blog has been in the works for years. At least the idea. Others would have given up by now. Seeing it as a lost cause. I felt that I had to do this. To get some closure and be able to finally put this behind me. I know for a fact though, I will never get over this fully. There was just no other way to go about it. I'm not sharpest tool in the shed but I'm pretty damn useful. A quote from my old blog.
There were times that I was paranoid, and maybe I'm still to this day. We can even say it was, Hypervigilance. Your call, I don't really give a shit. How many can say though. That paranoia / hypervigilancy was what saved them. I choose truth, instead of that Delusional lie of a life that I led before. Not into Kurt Cobain, but he said something that I think most people can relate to. Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you. Hopefully, you see what I mean.
This battle that I have been striving with. Has been a second rude awaking for all. Who would have thought that it would have gone this far. I am responsible for a lot of issues. What I can not comprehend. Is why nobody else couldn't do it either. To suck up there pride for just a bit. Anybody could have prevented this. Friends, family, etc. Instead they didn't want to get involved because there own problems. I understand that. So a note to those people. Please understand why I am doing this. This was plan. To discover the truth. Should have applied, "Murphys Law" though. The intent almost backfired on me too. ALMOST... being the key term here. I didn't apply all my emotions to it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law
The design for this book or blog was memoir, not autobiography. As for the scheme that I constructed. I was trying to get confessions from the three people I knew who were screwing me over. I had agenda. Most people would say that was the dumbest thing I could have done, but who was going to believe me. No one. I looked like the boy who cried wolf. Cut everyone off and let the snakes fall out. Is something that I thought of alot. Ever since Countryside Place. A low income apartment complex in Howell, NJ. I became almost anti social at times with anyone that was close to me. With very good reason though. Throwing myself into work and school.
I just knew that these few people. These inablers were hiding something. They would never amitt to there own faults. I knew this. I had to develop the tendencies of a Sociopath. But why not, I learned it from them. Why not flip the script. They didn't want see the bigger picture. That they were wrong too. They had to learn some how.
http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
Here is something that I went by, If you suffer your people to be ill educated and there manners corrupted from infancy. Then punish them for there crimes that they were first education was exposed to them. Then what of it, if you make theives and then dispose of them! No offence to Drew barrymore, but I took this out of context and made it work for me. My own trashy philosphy. Not a thief here, but a troubled youth turned into a troublesome man. So as you can see. People made the troubled youth. Then what of it, when people know how the troubled youth will turn out.
It may not make any sense but let me prepose why I thought there were issues here. What made me change my mind about these people. The first thing was my credit report. After sometime, living in Parlin, apart of Sayerville, NJ. Where most of my mother's family resided. Friends were urged me to forgive and forget. I noticed something very starnge. I only lived in NJ, but the address for my parents in PA was on the report. I asked the representative at Experian. Why would this would happen?
Two ways she told me. One , you lived there. Two, someone else used your Social Security number. Well we can honestly say, that number one was not the case. I flagged that bitch so fast. Then made nice, with my parents. They were the only ones who could explain it. Forgiveness could have happen but that was not my true intention. I mean, remember I didn't even know I was adopted at the time. Didn't find out till August 2010. Don't believe me, the Credit report is down below. Also isn't an criminal offence? Sorry, bit of air head here.
An addition to what I am stating. My sister had my home number, and I got a call from her. When answered I the phone. No one replied. It sounded like shuffling and I could here my mother talking. With my father or now we know him as adopted father. I listened, to there conversation. "Well if that fucking faggot thinks he's going to get one over on me he has another thing coming!" Nice huh! Well you could see why I stopped talking to them afterwards. So any theroies on me being jealous of my sister are crap.
Let's jump to another time. Where the letter below will help us. In this letter. She states that I abandon her. That they did not abandon me. I received this reply when I was in jail. This is where I have a problem. If I left them, why was I at the hospital. Centra State, to be exact. Maybe she meant, I left them mentally. Being sarcastic here. The paperwork states it, parents were called. Odd though, they never showed up.
You might ask, why did I have the break down. This will be mention in another blog. Having to do with hospital records. Right now, I can point out the trigger. Besides, having so much stress. Dealing with lifes many issues. Working two jobs and about to go into my senior year of high school. My sister and I had a little disagreement. Her friend was standing on the side lines of this great dabate. We had are squables before, but have to hand it to her. She won this disagreement. By saying this. "This is the reason why were are leaving you here!" You see my parents were in the process of moving again. Didn't know they made a group decision about leaving me in Howell though.
The great thirteen minute phone call. Was one of the hardest situation I ever had to go threw. Almost as hard as my two breakdowns. Also, it pushed me even more so. To do what I had to do. Long story short, I sent her a letter after I got out of jail. An eight page letter which had my cell number. She called. Pulliung over, I had bad gut feeling. So I held back. I was willing to hear her out. She rambled about there is no book on parenting, which my feeling were. Well there is fucking common sense. Then she lead to change the subject. Something about a child hood friend, Joseph. Being killed in a motorcycle accident. This is where I stopped her.
"Mother, what the fuck does this have to do with us!" I had to put my foot down. Stating that I wanted to see her face to face. Public place and we have dish it out there. I didn't care how cold hearted it sounded, or how crazy I was. She tells me the truth. To my face. No more hiding behind other people. What did I get? "Well.. you need to give me your respect!" Can you see why I was so unwilling. "Listen I'm giving you one more chance, the truth. Meet me face to face." She said no. The last words that came out of my mouth were. Well you know what, have a nice LIFE! I hung up the phone, and changed the number. Never heard from any relative again.
Can you understand where I was coming from. Does anyone see the one too many consequences here. If you don't well let me divulge this info, then you can tell me what you think. Anyone can place comments. When it came to Cliff, his bullshit was something I just dismissed. I didn't want to see it for what it was. The Roxy incident was one of them. Remembering Cliff's lines that he used, the bartender did it, or I was drinking to much. Was just ridiclous. Number one don't drink that much. Number two, mother was right about this. Never put your drink down and take your eyes off it. I always did that. As feble minded as that sounds. Anyway I will write more about the Roxy story later. The point. That he did it. Which ruined whatever you want to call this LTR but more so that he betrayed me. The most atrocious part is that I didn't blame him fully. I blamed myself for letting my guard down and for trusting him.
I'm not going to go into any of my cars being sabotage or at least in opinion they were. The only proof I have is that Cliff was the only one who worked on them. I will keep that short for now until another blog I planned to write about. The sexual escapades was another, his and mine. Difference though, it's okay for him to do it. But it's not for me. I will talk about this subject matter under the Countryside Place blog.
Cliff and John had a way of saying things non sholantly. Well, with Cliff partically. He used to say things such as. He had a twin. But only when I was in the room. Making a bigger deal out of it. Showing some picture of a guy that didn't have any resemblance to him whatsoever. I dismissed it, not thinking about it. Not agknowledging anything about my past. I only knew so much. Another thing, he pointed out was one time we were in his, "Lexus ES300". (The one John sold to him.)
He was trying to relate to me. And said, "Hey I'm a wed lock child too!" That made me think a bit. Since I never agknowledged that I was one. Another issue. Which worried me. Was a fight we were having. He mummbled something to me afterwards. "That's the reason why your parents are disowning you and had you taken off there will!" I asked, "How would you know that?" He simled and just walked away.
Anyone putting two and two together yet? I think, with what I know and facts that I have. Gives me a lot of reasonable doubt. That my mother and Cliff did chat it up with each other. Or he chatted with someone within the family. Now I really can't jump the gun about the twin thing or half brother issue. I would have never even though about a twin, if I didn't remember my grandmother saying to me as a teen. "Alex, pss meda. You have a cousin in Chicago that looks excatly like you!" Now looking at the doucments down below. You can see that my old birth cirticate compared to my recent. States two different last names. Rosario was my mother madien name. But if you look at the duration of my birth and how long it was to process. October 25, 1981 to November 4, 1981. Shows concern. Not to mention that I was a C section birth, with complications.
It's hard to shallow, and you can imagine why I feel it is necessary to find out as much I can. So no one can play these damn head games with me anymore. Nor take advantage. I wanted to keep this in the family and I had no problem doing so. That meant I had to conform to there standards. The main point was to show how these people went about attaining my respect, threw manipulation and control. They wanted trust. They wanted, respect. Fact of the matter, they only wanted to take advantage of my naive nature. To keep my mouth shut of as many immoral indiscretions and wicked secrets that I knew.
This was another form of there Betrayal. You see everyone had there reasons to cover up there lies and say I was the insane one. It was easy to blame me. So why not make it easier. Until they run out of excuses and have take the blame for themselves. Betrayal. This is what all these people have in common. Besides me.
As I said before I have no problem keeping within the family. At least back then. This women who told everyone else her bullshit theroys about me but had nothing to back it up. Now, if anyone else states that I should kept it in the family, why should I? Out of respect for her and others, so they could live a blissful life. Oh hell no! There was something that I learn from another movie which, I took out of context yet again. Something from Clea Duvall. Don't be nice, because the world is not nice. It is complicated and messy. Over flowing with arrogance, greedy, and uncertainty. A lot of shit. It's a world where bad wins out every single time. Now you might be to naive to believe that or stupid to learn it. If you believe in the good and mercy of others. You will lose. You will always be the victim. Then you will learn , you'll learn.
It's a motto that now I apply. I had do a lot of Sacrifices. Just to become me, and see the truth for what it was. To see the corruption that surrounded me. This had nothing to do with how many wrongs or traumas I went threw. How many times I was sexually abuse, or treated. Please! I said in the old blog. One time, I understand, Second time, I sympathise from a far. Third time, Tell it to fucking Oprah. Oh I forgot she's on farewell season! This was to show and expose those people. To show what there true nature. They thought they were in the right. These Sociopaths, are not. I may sounded paranoid from which I started this blog but I will leave you with this to ponder on. Paraniods are people too, they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you be paranoid too. D. J. Hicks.
There were times that I was paranoid, and maybe I'm still to this day. We can even say it was, Hypervigilance. Your call, I don't really give a shit. How many can say though. That paranoia / hypervigilancy was what saved them. I choose truth, instead of that Delusional lie of a life that I led before. Not into Kurt Cobain, but he said something that I think most people can relate to. Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you. Hopefully, you see what I mean.
This battle that I have been striving with. Has been a second rude awaking for all. Who would have thought that it would have gone this far. I am responsible for a lot of issues. What I can not comprehend. Is why nobody else couldn't do it either. To suck up there pride for just a bit. Anybody could have prevented this. Friends, family, etc. Instead they didn't want to get involved because there own problems. I understand that. So a note to those people. Please understand why I am doing this. This was plan. To discover the truth. Should have applied, "Murphys Law" though. The intent almost backfired on me too. ALMOST... being the key term here. I didn't apply all my emotions to it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law
The design for this book or blog was memoir, not autobiography. As for the scheme that I constructed. I was trying to get confessions from the three people I knew who were screwing me over. I had agenda. Most people would say that was the dumbest thing I could have done, but who was going to believe me. No one. I looked like the boy who cried wolf. Cut everyone off and let the snakes fall out. Is something that I thought of alot. Ever since Countryside Place. A low income apartment complex in Howell, NJ. I became almost anti social at times with anyone that was close to me. With very good reason though. Throwing myself into work and school.
I just knew that these few people. These inablers were hiding something. They would never amitt to there own faults. I knew this. I had to develop the tendencies of a Sociopath. But why not, I learned it from them. Why not flip the script. They didn't want see the bigger picture. That they were wrong too. They had to learn some how.
http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
Here is something that I went by, If you suffer your people to be ill educated and there manners corrupted from infancy. Then punish them for there crimes that they were first education was exposed to them. Then what of it, if you make theives and then dispose of them! No offence to Drew barrymore, but I took this out of context and made it work for me. My own trashy philosphy. Not a thief here, but a troubled youth turned into a troublesome man. So as you can see. People made the troubled youth. Then what of it, when people know how the troubled youth will turn out.
It may not make any sense but let me prepose why I thought there were issues here. What made me change my mind about these people. The first thing was my credit report. After sometime, living in Parlin, apart of Sayerville, NJ. Where most of my mother's family resided. Friends were urged me to forgive and forget. I noticed something very starnge. I only lived in NJ, but the address for my parents in PA was on the report. I asked the representative at Experian. Why would this would happen?
Two ways she told me. One , you lived there. Two, someone else used your Social Security number. Well we can honestly say, that number one was not the case. I flagged that bitch so fast. Then made nice, with my parents. They were the only ones who could explain it. Forgiveness could have happen but that was not my true intention. I mean, remember I didn't even know I was adopted at the time. Didn't find out till August 2010. Don't believe me, the Credit report is down below. Also isn't an criminal offence? Sorry, bit of air head here.
An addition to what I am stating. My sister had my home number, and I got a call from her. When answered I the phone. No one replied. It sounded like shuffling and I could here my mother talking. With my father or now we know him as adopted father. I listened, to there conversation. "Well if that fucking faggot thinks he's going to get one over on me he has another thing coming!" Nice huh! Well you could see why I stopped talking to them afterwards. So any theroies on me being jealous of my sister are crap.
Let's jump to another time. Where the letter below will help us. In this letter. She states that I abandon her. That they did not abandon me. I received this reply when I was in jail. This is where I have a problem. If I left them, why was I at the hospital. Centra State, to be exact. Maybe she meant, I left them mentally. Being sarcastic here. The paperwork states it, parents were called. Odd though, they never showed up.
You might ask, why did I have the break down. This will be mention in another blog. Having to do with hospital records. Right now, I can point out the trigger. Besides, having so much stress. Dealing with lifes many issues. Working two jobs and about to go into my senior year of high school. My sister and I had a little disagreement. Her friend was standing on the side lines of this great dabate. We had are squables before, but have to hand it to her. She won this disagreement. By saying this. "This is the reason why were are leaving you here!" You see my parents were in the process of moving again. Didn't know they made a group decision about leaving me in Howell though.
The great thirteen minute phone call. Was one of the hardest situation I ever had to go threw. Almost as hard as my two breakdowns. Also, it pushed me even more so. To do what I had to do. Long story short, I sent her a letter after I got out of jail. An eight page letter which had my cell number. She called. Pulliung over, I had bad gut feeling. So I held back. I was willing to hear her out. She rambled about there is no book on parenting, which my feeling were. Well there is fucking common sense. Then she lead to change the subject. Something about a child hood friend, Joseph. Being killed in a motorcycle accident. This is where I stopped her.
"Mother, what the fuck does this have to do with us!" I had to put my foot down. Stating that I wanted to see her face to face. Public place and we have dish it out there. I didn't care how cold hearted it sounded, or how crazy I was. She tells me the truth. To my face. No more hiding behind other people. What did I get? "Well.. you need to give me your respect!" Can you see why I was so unwilling. "Listen I'm giving you one more chance, the truth. Meet me face to face." She said no. The last words that came out of my mouth were. Well you know what, have a nice LIFE! I hung up the phone, and changed the number. Never heard from any relative again.
Can you understand where I was coming from. Does anyone see the one too many consequences here. If you don't well let me divulge this info, then you can tell me what you think. Anyone can place comments. When it came to Cliff, his bullshit was something I just dismissed. I didn't want to see it for what it was. The Roxy incident was one of them. Remembering Cliff's lines that he used, the bartender did it, or I was drinking to much. Was just ridiclous. Number one don't drink that much. Number two, mother was right about this. Never put your drink down and take your eyes off it. I always did that. As feble minded as that sounds. Anyway I will write more about the Roxy story later. The point. That he did it. Which ruined whatever you want to call this LTR but more so that he betrayed me. The most atrocious part is that I didn't blame him fully. I blamed myself for letting my guard down and for trusting him.
I'm not going to go into any of my cars being sabotage or at least in opinion they were. The only proof I have is that Cliff was the only one who worked on them. I will keep that short for now until another blog I planned to write about. The sexual escapades was another, his and mine. Difference though, it's okay for him to do it. But it's not for me. I will talk about this subject matter under the Countryside Place blog.
Cliff and John had a way of saying things non sholantly. Well, with Cliff partically. He used to say things such as. He had a twin. But only when I was in the room. Making a bigger deal out of it. Showing some picture of a guy that didn't have any resemblance to him whatsoever. I dismissed it, not thinking about it. Not agknowledging anything about my past. I only knew so much. Another thing, he pointed out was one time we were in his, "Lexus ES300". (The one John sold to him.)
He was trying to relate to me. And said, "Hey I'm a wed lock child too!" That made me think a bit. Since I never agknowledged that I was one. Another issue. Which worried me. Was a fight we were having. He mummbled something to me afterwards. "That's the reason why your parents are disowning you and had you taken off there will!" I asked, "How would you know that?" He simled and just walked away.
Anyone putting two and two together yet? I think, with what I know and facts that I have. Gives me a lot of reasonable doubt. That my mother and Cliff did chat it up with each other. Or he chatted with someone within the family. Now I really can't jump the gun about the twin thing or half brother issue. I would have never even though about a twin, if I didn't remember my grandmother saying to me as a teen. "Alex, pss meda. You have a cousin in Chicago that looks excatly like you!" Now looking at the doucments down below. You can see that my old birth cirticate compared to my recent. States two different last names. Rosario was my mother madien name. But if you look at the duration of my birth and how long it was to process. October 25, 1981 to November 4, 1981. Shows concern. Not to mention that I was a C section birth, with complications.
It's hard to shallow, and you can imagine why I feel it is necessary to find out as much I can. So no one can play these damn head games with me anymore. Nor take advantage. I wanted to keep this in the family and I had no problem doing so. That meant I had to conform to there standards. The main point was to show how these people went about attaining my respect, threw manipulation and control. They wanted trust. They wanted, respect. Fact of the matter, they only wanted to take advantage of my naive nature. To keep my mouth shut of as many immoral indiscretions and wicked secrets that I knew.
This was another form of there Betrayal. You see everyone had there reasons to cover up there lies and say I was the insane one. It was easy to blame me. So why not make it easier. Until they run out of excuses and have take the blame for themselves. Betrayal. This is what all these people have in common. Besides me.
As I said before I have no problem keeping within the family. At least back then. This women who told everyone else her bullshit theroys about me but had nothing to back it up. Now, if anyone else states that I should kept it in the family, why should I? Out of respect for her and others, so they could live a blissful life. Oh hell no! There was something that I learn from another movie which, I took out of context yet again. Something from Clea Duvall. Don't be nice, because the world is not nice. It is complicated and messy. Over flowing with arrogance, greedy, and uncertainty. A lot of shit. It's a world where bad wins out every single time. Now you might be to naive to believe that or stupid to learn it. If you believe in the good and mercy of others. You will lose. You will always be the victim. Then you will learn , you'll learn.
It's a motto that now I apply. I had do a lot of Sacrifices. Just to become me, and see the truth for what it was. To see the corruption that surrounded me. This had nothing to do with how many wrongs or traumas I went threw. How many times I was sexually abuse, or treated. Please! I said in the old blog. One time, I understand, Second time, I sympathise from a far. Third time, Tell it to fucking Oprah. Oh I forgot she's on farewell season! This was to show and expose those people. To show what there true nature. They thought they were in the right. These Sociopaths, are not. I may sounded paranoid from which I started this blog but I will leave you with this to ponder on. Paraniods are people too, they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you be paranoid too. D. J. Hicks.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Acceptance / Goodtimes AND A LOT OF FUCKING QUOTES
My apology for the delay. I have been having some difficulties keeping up with this blog. I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed to write this entry. Not to mention the hoilday season is finally here. So, I am finally getting more work. Anyway, Rousseau delivered this qoute. "It is not the criminal things which are hardest to confess, but the ridiculous and shameful!" Now, I did mention I would do this blog in a way of chrological order. Come to think of it, fuck that! I listen too many poeple tell me what I should do. There criticism.
Let alone I did take some of there advice, but not all of it was best for me. I'm going to do this my way, because this is for myself. Not anyone else. Not to mention that it is your choice wether you want to understand this or not. To sympathize from a far. But here is another qoute by Rousseau. Which a have to say, this enlighten man had very great intuitiveness. "We pity in others only those evils which we have ourselves experienced!"
Now, there is a photograph that is down below of this blog, from the book Robert Franks, "The Americans". It was taken in New York City around 1955 to 1956. There was also an exhibit at the The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I just so happen to stumble upon it. I went there by myself for a day trip. Just to get a little culture. The website is down below, if you care to check it out.
http://www.metmuseum.org/special/se_event.asp?OccurrenceId={1FD57D4D-FE17-41FA-9025-E2667E36AD27}
One photo that caught my eye, which is NOT the one below. Was of three gay men walking across the street. They were walking in such a way, that it was inspiring to me. Like models on project runway. Completely adrift and not giving a care of the coruption that surrounded them. These bitches worked it, and were going to be who they were no matter what. It wasn't because they were prostitutes or because they were gay. It was because they were just being them at that given time. With what little they had. These men had to do. What they had to do to surive.
They put up with each others shit, because all they had was an understanding of each other. The scurtiny these bitches had to go threw. Even in that heighten era. I felt drawn to this specific picture and the rest of the photos. That were about them. I sort of looked at them like they were forefathers. It was compelling in someway. I felt I knew what they went threw.
Now here starts the peevish bullshit. After I was leaving, The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I past by a bunch of gay youths. Around in there teens or early twenties. One made that comment, to say the least. He was not to first to say something like that to me. His comment, "It's guys like him that make the gay community look bad!" That came as a shock to me, but I still understood what they were talking about. Also why he felt, he had to say it. It was out of them being naive but also there lack of knowledge.
First of all, it's guys like me that always took those denouncing remarks. Those slings and arrows. If it wasn't for men like those in the photo below and guys such like myself. Gay youths today wouldn't even be able to afford to say those sort of comments out loud. Just to say this , I'm not letting it all go to my head because there are many more such like myself. Who been threw the same and even worst scenarios then me. Even when I was young, I use to scrape the back of my class ring on the lockers at school when coming down the hallway. Just to pre warn anyone I was coming, hence for anyone that hated me.
Not to mention if anyone else was getting picking on. Those bullies would turn there bullshit out on me. I would use my flamboyant ways as a shield. The more they gave dirty looks and called me names. The more I increase the flamer in me. My defence mechanism. Anyway, I knew my problems that I had were bigger then the ones that I faced at school. College acceptance, was the last thing I was thinking of. As the the bitches from Ab Fab would say, Boo hoo squish squish.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism
It's was guys like myself. Also, men like the ones in in that photograph down below that knew what the price was to be this way. To be themselves. To be this outspoken and have that will and think for themselves. No matter what anybody else said or did. It wasn't just about the acceptance. It was the self acceptance. Knowing that anyone elses approval and tolrance was not desired nor fucking required. How to wong foo of me. It might sound wrong, it might sound spiteful. Of course, I can afford to talk that way because I have been threw that run of the mill. Just like anyone who has been threw this kind of treatment.
Why am I stating this, well I'm noticing this alarming trend. With many homosexual people in there twenties or early thirties. The ones say, my parents accepted me. Now, I am only being general. Maybe I'm not seeing threw there eyes. Remembering that everyones case is just a bit different. Hopefully I'm wrong but to define it, acceptance.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance
Acceptance is when a person agrees to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.
The Acceptances
coming to terms with something: the realization of a fact or truth and the process of coming to terms with it
toleration: the toleration of something without protest
social tolerance: willingness to treat somebody as a member of a group or social circle
http://www.bing.com/Dictionary/search?q=define+acceptance&FORM=DTPDIA&qpvt=Acceptance+Definition
Tolerate
3. accept existence of different views: to recognize other people's right to have different beliefs or practices without attempting to suppress them
That is a lot to ask for from any person. The process is slow and the duration of time can be lenghty. I don't think most people understand this. I think people just say this to make themselves feel justitied in polite settings. It's just the right thing to say. But after awhile, we do need to talk about the elephant in the room. With that said, most poeple would just wait off till the problem becomes worst. Or blows up in everyones face. Hence, The Thanksgiving senerio. Mom, I suck dick. Can you please pass the gravy!
It's not the coming out, which is hard enough. But everything else that comes with it. The problems, the situations. Not to mention that stigma which is not just about you or your partner. You have to think of others as well too. Let face it, most people have there own problems, and don't want to be bother with yours. This we all should know, but afarid to amitt. Or not recognize it. Maybe secertly we do. You know what, who gives a flying fuck. When it came to me , my issue was a little more extreme. After awhile, I started to notice that if this is what its all about. Those people who said that they did care but bit there tounge. Then I need to start practicing some self acceptance, but also start being more realistic. Which I find most people are not.
I do not want to be around people who have been tolorating for years. If thats there attitude, then why make it more uncomfortable for them and I. Why even bother? The sad thing here to say , you are going to have to think for yourself sooner or later. To be able to see what right in front of you, besides what lies are all around you. It's like doing the hokie pokie, around people. It's exausting.
I had someone say to me. "Glad to see that you have no hope!" Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe he didn't understand where I was coming from. Or it was little bit of both, who knows. But as I see it. It's not that I have no hope. I'm just being more realistic. Also, a bit more extreme. Perhaps, I'm finally coming to the end of the process of my own acceptance. Here is another qoute, which I heard from a TV show. "No hope, no family, no friends. What do you have left?"
Most people pride themselves, around these three things. Take those away and they fall apart. The real answer, is this. Yourself. Not saying that having these people in your life is such a awful thing. Be grateful for what you have. Just make a mental note. That these people that you pride yourself around with. Are not going to always be there for you. Literary. Some are going to be even resentful and vindictive. You might become so too. Not saying, I'm an enlighten being and it may come across that way. At least though, I can say. I'm pretty content with myself. No matter what lows and highs that I had in my past and what my future may hold. What lessons that are in life. Or as other people may see as regrets or mistakes. I mean, what is the point of living, if not to live.
Now, let me touch on this subject matter. Another person told me that all I do. On this blog is talk about the depressing times. Looking at this, he is right. As people we focus on the vile more then the pleasent. So I will point out the virtuous times that I had. Let me add a tip here though. That most people show there lives as happy extience. If you notice majority show a blissful photos of them skiing or doing family activies. Those fond memories. I did have those too. Not saying I didn't. If you ever seen, Factory Girl. The main lead pointed out the family potrait. Which everyone was happy but yet, what lies were behind that picture. That is the reality and the taboo subject matter we do not talk about.
It almost seems hypocritical. Actually, it is! You see, I can be up beat. During work and with those people that I think are worth my time. Even at times that I am alone. I'm happier by myself. Turning the music up loud, and toning out the issues. Dancing my little ass off. Just letting it go and shake it off for a few hours. That is what makes me ..... Me! That will never change. Unless I feel that it is necessary.
My childhood memories, pictures down below. At stafford apartments, were the very first memories I had. Poping my energetic perky head threw a small window into the kitchen, which had blue shutters. Sort of an irritating to anybody in the room. Watching the Smurfs on ice on the old wooden Quasar TV. Giggling like a small school girl. Having a cat named Moonshine with pierced ears that my mother tested on. Don't ask. Even at times that my adopted father, used to bathed me. Still getting use to the term adoptive father. There was one time that my father turned away to get the towel. He turned back, I endded up pissing onto my own face. Who knew I was into watersports in such an early age.
I rode plastic big wheels around the unit, and screamed out for ice cream when the truck came by in the summer. I had childhood playmates. One was a boy name Joseph, Rest in peace, from what I last heard. Other times, where at my grandmother house. On James street in Sayerville. Dancing, to the hispanic station and techno music on the old stereo. With my aunts and other relatives. Them cheering the name "Ally Ally!". We were a loud rambunctious bunch. Playing the regular kids games, as Hide and go seek. With my cousins. Which they lived a block over on Rose street.
We moved from the apartment, to a house in perth amboy. On the conner of Mary street and Krochmally. Which hello, can you see the gay pun here! There were good times there too. Birthdays celebrated, my aunts babysitting. Other kids on the street, which we play child hood games too. We also moved to Jackson and also Howell too. I was a odd ball, big time into the horror slasher films. Like the movie, Wes Craven A Nightmare on Elm Street, which I loved. Let just say movies had a big influence in my life. Which it does for everyone.
During my school years, I was very active. Doing such things as chours, band, yearbook, newspaper, track, taekwondo, going to the library.Being apart of such clubs, as Human rights committee and gay striaght allience. doing the fashion show, and coming with the idea for it. I had many good times. A lot of laughes. Smiles. Light hearted jokes with good people. I went school dances, I volunteered for two summer at the Menlo Park Vets home. The special needs unit. I hung at the mall, and shopped. I worked at such stores as Bang Bang when it was popular. Even Mc Donalds and Burger King.
Even supermarkets. Such as Path mark and Doyles Thirftway. I went to theme parks such as Great Adventure and rode rides , chilled with friends at the park. I was even on the prom court, for my senior year. It may have been a pity thing since everyone knew my parents had left me. I was happy for at least small duration and I will never forget that. I graduated, with out any of my relatives being there. Only just a few friends. It was the most liberating experience, because I did not think I was going to make it.
There were times I went to NYC with friends. Also, going to the beach, such as Avon by the Sea and dancing and doing cart wheels in the sand. I danced at gay clubs, and did the sence for a bit. Being airheaded and naive. Trying to be myself. Or who I was to become. I did not care about what the cost was, or what a delinquent I might have been to people. I was me and I was happy at that time. Not really seeing the reality for what it was.
I explored my sexuality doing things that would be shameful to other people and there social circles. I did drugs too. I was the stereo type. I willing to accept what was coming. With what lack of knowledge I really knew. With that said, I had to own up to those things, and knew there was consequence. I don't use that as a vice or excuse. I was dumb and naive, but what was everyone elses excuse. I mean, that is what your twenties are all about, right? Testing the waters and experimenting.
I want thank those people that were in my life, even the ones that were deceitful. I'm not happy with it but I'm content, because if I never went threw these splendid and damaging problems. These life issues. I would have never become the person I am today and I will never want to change that. So thanks to everyone, for making me who I am. It took some time but at least I'm happier to see the truth for what it is. Have this gift of knowledge about myself and human behavior. Not to mention this life, and what futrue there may be. I feel like I have been born, once again.
Let alone I did take some of there advice, but not all of it was best for me. I'm going to do this my way, because this is for myself. Not anyone else. Not to mention that it is your choice wether you want to understand this or not. To sympathize from a far. But here is another qoute by Rousseau. Which a have to say, this enlighten man had very great intuitiveness. "We pity in others only those evils which we have ourselves experienced!"
Now, there is a photograph that is down below of this blog, from the book Robert Franks, "The Americans". It was taken in New York City around 1955 to 1956. There was also an exhibit at the The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I just so happen to stumble upon it. I went there by myself for a day trip. Just to get a little culture. The website is down below, if you care to check it out.
http://www.metmuseum.org/special/se_event.asp?OccurrenceId={1FD57D4D-FE17-41FA-9025-E2667E36AD27}
One photo that caught my eye, which is NOT the one below. Was of three gay men walking across the street. They were walking in such a way, that it was inspiring to me. Like models on project runway. Completely adrift and not giving a care of the coruption that surrounded them. These bitches worked it, and were going to be who they were no matter what. It wasn't because they were prostitutes or because they were gay. It was because they were just being them at that given time. With what little they had. These men had to do. What they had to do to surive.
They put up with each others shit, because all they had was an understanding of each other. The scurtiny these bitches had to go threw. Even in that heighten era. I felt drawn to this specific picture and the rest of the photos. That were about them. I sort of looked at them like they were forefathers. It was compelling in someway. I felt I knew what they went threw.
Now here starts the peevish bullshit. After I was leaving, The Metropolitan Museum of Art. I past by a bunch of gay youths. Around in there teens or early twenties. One made that comment, to say the least. He was not to first to say something like that to me. His comment, "It's guys like him that make the gay community look bad!" That came as a shock to me, but I still understood what they were talking about. Also why he felt, he had to say it. It was out of them being naive but also there lack of knowledge.
First of all, it's guys like me that always took those denouncing remarks. Those slings and arrows. If it wasn't for men like those in the photo below and guys such like myself. Gay youths today wouldn't even be able to afford to say those sort of comments out loud. Just to say this , I'm not letting it all go to my head because there are many more such like myself. Who been threw the same and even worst scenarios then me. Even when I was young, I use to scrape the back of my class ring on the lockers at school when coming down the hallway. Just to pre warn anyone I was coming, hence for anyone that hated me.
Not to mention if anyone else was getting picking on. Those bullies would turn there bullshit out on me. I would use my flamboyant ways as a shield. The more they gave dirty looks and called me names. The more I increase the flamer in me. My defence mechanism. Anyway, I knew my problems that I had were bigger then the ones that I faced at school. College acceptance, was the last thing I was thinking of. As the the bitches from Ab Fab would say, Boo hoo squish squish.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism
It's was guys like myself. Also, men like the ones in in that photograph down below that knew what the price was to be this way. To be themselves. To be this outspoken and have that will and think for themselves. No matter what anybody else said or did. It wasn't just about the acceptance. It was the self acceptance. Knowing that anyone elses approval and tolrance was not desired nor fucking required. How to wong foo of me. It might sound wrong, it might sound spiteful. Of course, I can afford to talk that way because I have been threw that run of the mill. Just like anyone who has been threw this kind of treatment.
Why am I stating this, well I'm noticing this alarming trend. With many homosexual people in there twenties or early thirties. The ones say, my parents accepted me. Now, I am only being general. Maybe I'm not seeing threw there eyes. Remembering that everyones case is just a bit different. Hopefully I'm wrong but to define it, acceptance.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance
Acceptance is when a person agrees to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.
The Acceptances
coming to terms with something: the realization of a fact or truth and the process of coming to terms with it
toleration: the toleration of something without protest
social tolerance: willingness to treat somebody as a member of a group or social circle
http://www.bing.com/Dictionary/search?q=define+acceptance&FORM=DTPDIA&qpvt=Acceptance+Definition
Tolerate
3. accept existence of different views: to recognize other people's right to have different beliefs or practices without attempting to suppress them
That is a lot to ask for from any person. The process is slow and the duration of time can be lenghty. I don't think most people understand this. I think people just say this to make themselves feel justitied in polite settings. It's just the right thing to say. But after awhile, we do need to talk about the elephant in the room. With that said, most poeple would just wait off till the problem becomes worst. Or blows up in everyones face. Hence, The Thanksgiving senerio. Mom, I suck dick. Can you please pass the gravy!
It's not the coming out, which is hard enough. But everything else that comes with it. The problems, the situations. Not to mention that stigma which is not just about you or your partner. You have to think of others as well too. Let face it, most people have there own problems, and don't want to be bother with yours. This we all should know, but afarid to amitt. Or not recognize it. Maybe secertly we do. You know what, who gives a flying fuck. When it came to me , my issue was a little more extreme. After awhile, I started to notice that if this is what its all about. Those people who said that they did care but bit there tounge. Then I need to start practicing some self acceptance, but also start being more realistic. Which I find most people are not.
I do not want to be around people who have been tolorating for years. If thats there attitude, then why make it more uncomfortable for them and I. Why even bother? The sad thing here to say , you are going to have to think for yourself sooner or later. To be able to see what right in front of you, besides what lies are all around you. It's like doing the hokie pokie, around people. It's exausting.
I had someone say to me. "Glad to see that you have no hope!" Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe he didn't understand where I was coming from. Or it was little bit of both, who knows. But as I see it. It's not that I have no hope. I'm just being more realistic. Also, a bit more extreme. Perhaps, I'm finally coming to the end of the process of my own acceptance. Here is another qoute, which I heard from a TV show. "No hope, no family, no friends. What do you have left?"
Most people pride themselves, around these three things. Take those away and they fall apart. The real answer, is this. Yourself. Not saying that having these people in your life is such a awful thing. Be grateful for what you have. Just make a mental note. That these people that you pride yourself around with. Are not going to always be there for you. Literary. Some are going to be even resentful and vindictive. You might become so too. Not saying, I'm an enlighten being and it may come across that way. At least though, I can say. I'm pretty content with myself. No matter what lows and highs that I had in my past and what my future may hold. What lessons that are in life. Or as other people may see as regrets or mistakes. I mean, what is the point of living, if not to live.
Now, let me touch on this subject matter. Another person told me that all I do. On this blog is talk about the depressing times. Looking at this, he is right. As people we focus on the vile more then the pleasent. So I will point out the virtuous times that I had. Let me add a tip here though. That most people show there lives as happy extience. If you notice majority show a blissful photos of them skiing or doing family activies. Those fond memories. I did have those too. Not saying I didn't. If you ever seen, Factory Girl. The main lead pointed out the family potrait. Which everyone was happy but yet, what lies were behind that picture. That is the reality and the taboo subject matter we do not talk about.
It almost seems hypocritical. Actually, it is! You see, I can be up beat. During work and with those people that I think are worth my time. Even at times that I am alone. I'm happier by myself. Turning the music up loud, and toning out the issues. Dancing my little ass off. Just letting it go and shake it off for a few hours. That is what makes me ..... Me! That will never change. Unless I feel that it is necessary.
My childhood memories, pictures down below. At stafford apartments, were the very first memories I had. Poping my energetic perky head threw a small window into the kitchen, which had blue shutters. Sort of an irritating to anybody in the room. Watching the Smurfs on ice on the old wooden Quasar TV. Giggling like a small school girl. Having a cat named Moonshine with pierced ears that my mother tested on. Don't ask. Even at times that my adopted father, used to bathed me. Still getting use to the term adoptive father. There was one time that my father turned away to get the towel. He turned back, I endded up pissing onto my own face. Who knew I was into watersports in such an early age.
I rode plastic big wheels around the unit, and screamed out for ice cream when the truck came by in the summer. I had childhood playmates. One was a boy name Joseph, Rest in peace, from what I last heard. Other times, where at my grandmother house. On James street in Sayerville. Dancing, to the hispanic station and techno music on the old stereo. With my aunts and other relatives. Them cheering the name "Ally Ally!". We were a loud rambunctious bunch. Playing the regular kids games, as Hide and go seek. With my cousins. Which they lived a block over on Rose street.
We moved from the apartment, to a house in perth amboy. On the conner of Mary street and Krochmally. Which hello, can you see the gay pun here! There were good times there too. Birthdays celebrated, my aunts babysitting. Other kids on the street, which we play child hood games too. We also moved to Jackson and also Howell too. I was a odd ball, big time into the horror slasher films. Like the movie, Wes Craven A Nightmare on Elm Street, which I loved. Let just say movies had a big influence in my life. Which it does for everyone.
During my school years, I was very active. Doing such things as chours, band, yearbook, newspaper, track, taekwondo, going to the library.Being apart of such clubs, as Human rights committee and gay striaght allience. doing the fashion show, and coming with the idea for it. I had many good times. A lot of laughes. Smiles. Light hearted jokes with good people. I went school dances, I volunteered for two summer at the Menlo Park Vets home. The special needs unit. I hung at the mall, and shopped. I worked at such stores as Bang Bang when it was popular. Even Mc Donalds and Burger King.
Even supermarkets. Such as Path mark and Doyles Thirftway. I went to theme parks such as Great Adventure and rode rides , chilled with friends at the park. I was even on the prom court, for my senior year. It may have been a pity thing since everyone knew my parents had left me. I was happy for at least small duration and I will never forget that. I graduated, with out any of my relatives being there. Only just a few friends. It was the most liberating experience, because I did not think I was going to make it.
There were times I went to NYC with friends. Also, going to the beach, such as Avon by the Sea and dancing and doing cart wheels in the sand. I danced at gay clubs, and did the sence for a bit. Being airheaded and naive. Trying to be myself. Or who I was to become. I did not care about what the cost was, or what a delinquent I might have been to people. I was me and I was happy at that time. Not really seeing the reality for what it was.
I explored my sexuality doing things that would be shameful to other people and there social circles. I did drugs too. I was the stereo type. I willing to accept what was coming. With what lack of knowledge I really knew. With that said, I had to own up to those things, and knew there was consequence. I don't use that as a vice or excuse. I was dumb and naive, but what was everyone elses excuse. I mean, that is what your twenties are all about, right? Testing the waters and experimenting.
I want thank those people that were in my life, even the ones that were deceitful. I'm not happy with it but I'm content, because if I never went threw these splendid and damaging problems. These life issues. I would have never become the person I am today and I will never want to change that. So thanks to everyone, for making me who I am. It took some time but at least I'm happier to see the truth for what it is. Have this gift of knowledge about myself and human behavior. Not to mention this life, and what futrue there may be. I feel like I have been born, once again.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
SURMISED FORTHCOMINGS
James V. Smith, JR. Author of, "You Can Write A Novel". Implicate in his book, cardinal rule number three. Begin the end in mind. It's gay agknowledging that notion. Since I always did that for some unknown reason. Maybe it was schooling. Anyway, after putting away. Directional and Delusion Aspects. The purpose was to come back to it. Not just to show a difference. Or if there was any, but more so the process of coming to terms. I wanted to ajoin both Directional and Delusion Aspects and Low Rent Sabbatical together. Not saying this was going to happen but it was a general concept. Beginning with the sentence, "Is it worth it?"
There were jokes in my blog. But the nature of it's content was taken very literary . No one knew what to do or think. Not to mention, no knew me for who I was. My personality. Also, I did sound a little. What is the word I am looking for here? Oh yes, INSANE! The comments I got from people were. A complex person. Or very misunderstood. With a childish essence, or outlook. I could blame this on myself. Of course, no one wanted to take the time out to understand. Which is all to common with people. They had there own problems or issues to worry about. To self involved to even bother.
To describe me a bit, if you haven't gotten the jist already! By reading this blog. I use humor to deflect any given tragedy. My sarcastic character can be seen on my wish list provied on this profile. Even though, the low self esteem jokes about myself seem a bit distasteful. It's the only way I knew how to process tragedy. Not to mention, I feel that if I agknowledge it. That no one can use it againt me, because it's already known. I have already beaten them to it.
Examples, I always use to say. "I am half hispanic and half white trash. Destined to be low income for the rest of my life!" Now with all the knowledge that I have. I can't even say that joke anymore. I don't know who my real father is. Not to mention, what his genetics are. Or if there is any living relatives, like a twin brother or half brother. I will chat more about that subject matter later. So, to be honest, maybe it's a good thing. I don't tell that joke.
Another dispicable joke, which a lot of people could not believe that this came out of my mouth. Was the, "All I ever wanted in life" antic. Now, this one always put anyone in awarkward place. But first, lets give credit to where it's due. Remember the movie. Josh Whedons, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." The one with Luke Perry and Kristy Swanson. Remember the scene where she points out what she want's in life. Well, that where I got that joke from. "All I ever wanted in life. Was to write a book, go see Italy, Marry my retired gay porn star boyfriend, Have three houseboi's, two cats, a dog and DIE! Now you might not think that is so great but I think it's perfect. I mean at least the sex would be decent!
The point of that joke was to show how low my expectations were. Not how high, if there were any high expections there. Not to mention. I did have a low rent version of a porn star boyfriend. Also does the web cam model count too? Hell, looking back at my life. I realized that I should have set my goals just a bit higher. I should have went for a Treasure Island Media model instead. Joking here!!! No offence to anyone either in T.I.M. or the company. I mean really it's not like I was setting my sites higher then what they were suppose to be. Like a lawyer or a doctor. Anyway, the point of the joke has made clear.
There are only three true intentions that I really want to come out of all this. Number three, to point out that I'm not trying to milk this cry baby story for money. If any money ever came my way for this idea. I would want it all to go to charity. Any charity, that is at least gay affiliated. Now, there is sub reasoning behind that. Just in case. Since I know how these people really are. If anyone sewed, the money would be already gone. I would rather stay in welfare hell. Then let anyone get it, especially those who contributed to my downfalling. At least with a charity, it will go to someone else who can benefit from it.
Number two, influence. For anyone who wants to listen or learn from it. Or not. The point is that in one way or another, the person who even reads a few sentences. Will be influenced. Wether they choose to believe it or not.
The number one reason and it is a bit selfish. Is for myself. To be able to open a book or open a web site. Look at the dedication page, and be able to read. "This is for myself. For once, you finally did something right! In your whole fucked up life!" This is not my way of turning my shit into gold. It's my way of just turning my shit into bronze.
So I will repeat it one more time, "Is it really worth it?" Well, by the time that I start from the beginning, and go threw some aspects in a way of Chronological order. At least I hope, it will make more sense. To place doubt and to show a pattern that I can only see. Also, anyone who reads this will have the endding already in mind. "WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?"
There were jokes in my blog. But the nature of it's content was taken very literary . No one knew what to do or think. Not to mention, no knew me for who I was. My personality. Also, I did sound a little. What is the word I am looking for here? Oh yes, INSANE! The comments I got from people were. A complex person. Or very misunderstood. With a childish essence, or outlook. I could blame this on myself. Of course, no one wanted to take the time out to understand. Which is all to common with people. They had there own problems or issues to worry about. To self involved to even bother.
To describe me a bit, if you haven't gotten the jist already! By reading this blog. I use humor to deflect any given tragedy. My sarcastic character can be seen on my wish list provied on this profile. Even though, the low self esteem jokes about myself seem a bit distasteful. It's the only way I knew how to process tragedy. Not to mention, I feel that if I agknowledge it. That no one can use it againt me, because it's already known. I have already beaten them to it.
Examples, I always use to say. "I am half hispanic and half white trash. Destined to be low income for the rest of my life!" Now with all the knowledge that I have. I can't even say that joke anymore. I don't know who my real father is. Not to mention, what his genetics are. Or if there is any living relatives, like a twin brother or half brother. I will chat more about that subject matter later. So, to be honest, maybe it's a good thing. I don't tell that joke.
Another dispicable joke, which a lot of people could not believe that this came out of my mouth. Was the, "All I ever wanted in life" antic. Now, this one always put anyone in awarkward place. But first, lets give credit to where it's due. Remember the movie. Josh Whedons, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." The one with Luke Perry and Kristy Swanson. Remember the scene where she points out what she want's in life. Well, that where I got that joke from. "All I ever wanted in life. Was to write a book, go see Italy, Marry my retired gay porn star boyfriend, Have three houseboi's, two cats, a dog and DIE! Now you might not think that is so great but I think it's perfect. I mean at least the sex would be decent!
The point of that joke was to show how low my expectations were. Not how high, if there were any high expections there. Not to mention. I did have a low rent version of a porn star boyfriend. Also does the web cam model count too? Hell, looking back at my life. I realized that I should have set my goals just a bit higher. I should have went for a Treasure Island Media model instead. Joking here!!! No offence to anyone either in T.I.M. or the company. I mean really it's not like I was setting my sites higher then what they were suppose to be. Like a lawyer or a doctor. Anyway, the point of the joke has made clear.
There are only three true intentions that I really want to come out of all this. Number three, to point out that I'm not trying to milk this cry baby story for money. If any money ever came my way for this idea. I would want it all to go to charity. Any charity, that is at least gay affiliated. Now, there is sub reasoning behind that. Just in case. Since I know how these people really are. If anyone sewed, the money would be already gone. I would rather stay in welfare hell. Then let anyone get it, especially those who contributed to my downfalling. At least with a charity, it will go to someone else who can benefit from it.
Number two, influence. For anyone who wants to listen or learn from it. Or not. The point is that in one way or another, the person who even reads a few sentences. Will be influenced. Wether they choose to believe it or not.
The number one reason and it is a bit selfish. Is for myself. To be able to open a book or open a web site. Look at the dedication page, and be able to read. "This is for myself. For once, you finally did something right! In your whole fucked up life!" This is not my way of turning my shit into gold. It's my way of just turning my shit into bronze.
So I will repeat it one more time, "Is it really worth it?" Well, by the time that I start from the beginning, and go threw some aspects in a way of Chronological order. At least I hope, it will make more sense. To place doubt and to show a pattern that I can only see. Also, anyone who reads this will have the endding already in mind. "WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?"
Saturday, October 16, 2010
DREAMS. YOU DECIDE WHAT THEY MEAN.
To wander off or away from the topic is something I should do once in awhile. To show what's in my head and what on my unconscious mind. Since I been around only a certain type of intellect. I can tell you how certain people like to play deceptive practices. But to say the least, that is part of the human condition. To get others to amitt things. Or how they play these games to get others to change there ways. For there own favors or benefits. Well here is one instances. Why we don't play with other people's heads. In a nut shell, it's turns back on them. Or it back fires.
As for this blog, if I tell everything at once. Say what's on top of my head. It will comsume me. So I figured. If I write a rough copy of what the topic is and then come back to it a week or two later. It would refrain me from looking like a total mess. Oh, too late! I tired not to look into the meanings of these dreams. Or to go to much in depth. But these dreams do have to do with my subconscious mind. So someone who knows me very well, could try but I have to say. "GOOD LUCK! YOUR GOING TO NEED IT!".
So I will disclose four of mental pictures. Anyone can comment on them if they desire. The first vision that adhere. Is one, that has to do when I was back in High school. My last year after my family abandon me. It was a couple of months before I graduated. I was in a class room staring at a book that laid on the desk in front of me. The class room was empty and there was nothing on the blackboard. The lights were on and the windows had blinds covering them.
The book that laided in front of me was thick and laden. The title of this hard covered copy. This light brown novel. Was, "My Future". In gold lettering. I opened the book and the pages were pure white. All of them. Nothing was written on them. They were just blank white pages. The novel was unwritten.
After the "Class of 2001", Graduated. I had the same dream again. This time when I opened the book, the pages were black. Pitch black, almost surreal. When I awoke from this dream. I knew that my future life was going to be very lurid. No matter how optimistic people were. Even if there were content times depending on the prespective. I knew, I was only lieing to myself. Like most humans do. If not all. Not saying I was doomed, but there were going to be a lot of nebulous times. That the extent in the past. That was so pure white. Were over now.
Now please, cast no bullshit compassion for that dream. That was long ago, not to mention a time when I was naive. No benevolence. Or forbearance. This next dream was around a half a year ago. A darken room with black sheets. I was on my hands and knees. Focusing at a intense gray cement wall. Completely stark naked, looking like something out a dark gay porn. No offence to gay porn. Just that how the dream was. Anyway,I felt someone loom over me and cup my balls. Rubbing them gently. As if someone would rub there pets head, who was starving attention. The hairs on my body stood up with pleasure and sudden fear.
Curiosity plauged my head, as his hands ran up my back, to my neck. It was gentle and slow, then with one swift motion. He grabbed me by the hair and yanked it back. My whole body swung to a falling motion . With a small yelp. I fell to the cement floor, hard. Collapsing right onto my face. It knocked the wind out of me. Tears fell from my eyes and my body laid paralized.
The darken figure loomed over me, and picked up my head with both hands. Blood started to pour from my broken nose. Spilling all over the floor and running down my face. Starting to sob the figured let my head go as it hit the floor once again with a "thud"! "Now stay there!" he griped. He walked over me. His foot steps made the room echoed.
A few minutes later, after some loud shuffeling and laughing. He came back, with something. The man set something right in front of me. As he stepped over me. My naked body started to shake more so then before. Almost to a point of trembling. I felt the man sit on my back and then pull my head up, once again. What I could make out. Besides the puddle of blood leaking all over. Dripping into a puddle I was lying at. Was a camcorder. It was on, I could see the red light blinking. Pulling my head back more so, the man whispered something into my ear. "Now, let everyone see!"
Maybe I should stop watching horror films for awhile! LOL. The next one is something a little less sinister. I'm in a white room, NOT PADDED! Sitiing on a white hospital bed. The lighting is bright, but I could see a door at one end of the room. With a gold knob. It was on my left hand side. Above the door was a loud speaker. I walked over to the door and tried it. Locked.
Turning back, I saw a two way mirror above the bed. Knowing there was someone behind that mirror. I walked up to it quickly. Not even, looking at my own reflection. I paided no attention to that. Odd don't you think? You would ponder. I would at least be a bit conceded in my dreams. That's when I heard them from the loud speaker. The voices, very quite. Whispers. Almost too faint to hear.
" Crazy, Psycho!" a voice whispered. Sounded like a male. Or was it a female?
"Crack, fucking tard!" A female voice said something. "Crack Already!" The voices on the speaker grew louder and louder. A buzzing from the speaker, grew too. They were doing it intentionality. So I would have to hear them. Covering my ears, I backed away from the mirror. To the middle of the white room, curling into a ball.
Over and over again. "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!"."Crazy, Psycho, CRACK!". It was almost turning into a chant. "Why wouldn't he break?". A female voice asked. " Don't worry about it, he'll break soon. He can't hold on much longer!". A male voice said with pride. "Keep it up, he'll break!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, CRACK!".
My knees started to shake, and then I finally let go. A loud rageful scream. The chanting stopped and the only thing I could hear was the loud buzzing from the speaker from above the doorway. The door opened a bit, and I could see darken figures whispering to each other. Male and females. "Did it work?" A female asked. I knew who these people were now. People from my past, ex - friends and family.The ones who betrayed me so long ago. "Did he break?"
That's when I turned and faced the door. Smiling to them and shot up my middle finger. With a sly smile, I said a loud. " WAS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?". I stood up and walked back to the bed and sat on it. Facing the doorway. Everyone was sticking there middle finger back at me, and I took both hands and did the same thing back to them. Only with more attitude.
This last dream was pretty resent. This was before I found out I was adopted but who would be able to tell away. Since it's my dream. In this one, I was in a car with some people and we went to this road house gay club out in the middle of nowhere. The parking lot was packed with cars and the music loud as hell too. The people in the car pushed me inside this club so fast I didn't even get the time to ask where we were.
They grabbed my jacket, my wallet, and cell phone. I was washed over by the sea of people on the dance floor and then I fell. To the dirty dismal ground. There was no one around. I looked at the clock which read 4:30am and ran outside. The parking lot was bare and I saw nothing. Just darken hills and pale moon light. Going back inside I sat down across from two drunking drag queens. One looked like a low rent version of Lady Bunny.
"Oh, he's so cute!" One of them said aloud as she dropped the empty cup. The other looked at me, checked me and then said. "Oh, NO HONEY! You do not want that one, he's got ISSUES! It's the reason why his freinds and family left him here. He's getting to close to the truth!" then they staggard away. I had no keys, no jacket, no phone, and no wallet. As the clubs lights cut off and left me in darkness.
Now after this sabbitical, after all the documentation. After all this bitching and complaining. I'm left with complexity. To do something about it, but it may seem resentful and spiteful. Like I'm getting back at these certain people. Let's face it. There is no higher road! Believe me, I have tired to find it. It's a illusion. We all get back each other somehow, in some way. The only thing I would want is to show the same common courtesy as those people showed me. Then after that I would never think of them again. But they can take every second of there fucking lives thinking about me. Until there existence comes to an end.
My life as I know it was all about people wanting to play mind games with my head. Not mention to have power and control. Threw manipulation. Well there is only one way to end this, take the fucking power back. There were so many rumors, half truths, and lies. Of course, no one was able to show a bit of Evidence what so ever. I had to throw myself back into the wolves den. Almost losing my sanity and life numberous times. Of course, this was by my own hand. Hoping, it didn't have to come down to this. I do have to blame myself.
But the question that comes to mind is. What am I so worried about? It's been over three years. If anybody wanted to. They could have sued by now. I know how these people think. How spiteful they really are. They would have done it already. They even pasted up the chance many times before. I know, they will not do it. WHY? Cause there "Reputation", is at stake. They wouldn't be able to come back from this. This late in there age. Victims of there own lies and I called there bluff. Cause if they could. They would be as forward as I am. So let's start again. Only this time, let's add some reasonable doubt. It's all down at the bottom of this blog people. And I will be adding more and more. Every time that I write a blog.
As for this blog, if I tell everything at once. Say what's on top of my head. It will comsume me. So I figured. If I write a rough copy of what the topic is and then come back to it a week or two later. It would refrain me from looking like a total mess. Oh, too late! I tired not to look into the meanings of these dreams. Or to go to much in depth. But these dreams do have to do with my subconscious mind. So someone who knows me very well, could try but I have to say. "GOOD LUCK! YOUR GOING TO NEED IT!".
So I will disclose four of mental pictures. Anyone can comment on them if they desire. The first vision that adhere. Is one, that has to do when I was back in High school. My last year after my family abandon me. It was a couple of months before I graduated. I was in a class room staring at a book that laid on the desk in front of me. The class room was empty and there was nothing on the blackboard. The lights were on and the windows had blinds covering them.
The book that laided in front of me was thick and laden. The title of this hard covered copy. This light brown novel. Was, "My Future". In gold lettering. I opened the book and the pages were pure white. All of them. Nothing was written on them. They were just blank white pages. The novel was unwritten.
After the "Class of 2001", Graduated. I had the same dream again. This time when I opened the book, the pages were black. Pitch black, almost surreal. When I awoke from this dream. I knew that my future life was going to be very lurid. No matter how optimistic people were. Even if there were content times depending on the prespective. I knew, I was only lieing to myself. Like most humans do. If not all. Not saying I was doomed, but there were going to be a lot of nebulous times. That the extent in the past. That was so pure white. Were over now.
Now please, cast no bullshit compassion for that dream. That was long ago, not to mention a time when I was naive. No benevolence. Or forbearance. This next dream was around a half a year ago. A darken room with black sheets. I was on my hands and knees. Focusing at a intense gray cement wall. Completely stark naked, looking like something out a dark gay porn. No offence to gay porn. Just that how the dream was. Anyway,I felt someone loom over me and cup my balls. Rubbing them gently. As if someone would rub there pets head, who was starving attention. The hairs on my body stood up with pleasure and sudden fear.
Curiosity plauged my head, as his hands ran up my back, to my neck. It was gentle and slow, then with one swift motion. He grabbed me by the hair and yanked it back. My whole body swung to a falling motion . With a small yelp. I fell to the cement floor, hard. Collapsing right onto my face. It knocked the wind out of me. Tears fell from my eyes and my body laid paralized.
The darken figure loomed over me, and picked up my head with both hands. Blood started to pour from my broken nose. Spilling all over the floor and running down my face. Starting to sob the figured let my head go as it hit the floor once again with a "thud"! "Now stay there!" he griped. He walked over me. His foot steps made the room echoed.
A few minutes later, after some loud shuffeling and laughing. He came back, with something. The man set something right in front of me. As he stepped over me. My naked body started to shake more so then before. Almost to a point of trembling. I felt the man sit on my back and then pull my head up, once again. What I could make out. Besides the puddle of blood leaking all over. Dripping into a puddle I was lying at. Was a camcorder. It was on, I could see the red light blinking. Pulling my head back more so, the man whispered something into my ear. "Now, let everyone see!"
Maybe I should stop watching horror films for awhile! LOL. The next one is something a little less sinister. I'm in a white room, NOT PADDED! Sitiing on a white hospital bed. The lighting is bright, but I could see a door at one end of the room. With a gold knob. It was on my left hand side. Above the door was a loud speaker. I walked over to the door and tried it. Locked.
Turning back, I saw a two way mirror above the bed. Knowing there was someone behind that mirror. I walked up to it quickly. Not even, looking at my own reflection. I paided no attention to that. Odd don't you think? You would ponder. I would at least be a bit conceded in my dreams. That's when I heard them from the loud speaker. The voices, very quite. Whispers. Almost too faint to hear.
" Crazy, Psycho!" a voice whispered. Sounded like a male. Or was it a female?
"Crack, fucking tard!" A female voice said something. "Crack Already!" The voices on the speaker grew louder and louder. A buzzing from the speaker, grew too. They were doing it intentionality. So I would have to hear them. Covering my ears, I backed away from the mirror. To the middle of the white room, curling into a ball.
Over and over again. "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!"."Crazy, Psycho, CRACK!". It was almost turning into a chant. "Why wouldn't he break?". A female voice asked. " Don't worry about it, he'll break soon. He can't hold on much longer!". A male voice said with pride. "Keep it up, he'll break!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, Crack!". "Crazy, Psycho, CRACK!".
My knees started to shake, and then I finally let go. A loud rageful scream. The chanting stopped and the only thing I could hear was the loud buzzing from the speaker from above the doorway. The door opened a bit, and I could see darken figures whispering to each other. Male and females. "Did it work?" A female asked. I knew who these people were now. People from my past, ex - friends and family.The ones who betrayed me so long ago. "Did he break?"
That's when I turned and faced the door. Smiling to them and shot up my middle finger. With a sly smile, I said a loud. " WAS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?". I stood up and walked back to the bed and sat on it. Facing the doorway. Everyone was sticking there middle finger back at me, and I took both hands and did the same thing back to them. Only with more attitude.
This last dream was pretty resent. This was before I found out I was adopted but who would be able to tell away. Since it's my dream. In this one, I was in a car with some people and we went to this road house gay club out in the middle of nowhere. The parking lot was packed with cars and the music loud as hell too. The people in the car pushed me inside this club so fast I didn't even get the time to ask where we were.
They grabbed my jacket, my wallet, and cell phone. I was washed over by the sea of people on the dance floor and then I fell. To the dirty dismal ground. There was no one around. I looked at the clock which read 4:30am and ran outside. The parking lot was bare and I saw nothing. Just darken hills and pale moon light. Going back inside I sat down across from two drunking drag queens. One looked like a low rent version of Lady Bunny.
"Oh, he's so cute!" One of them said aloud as she dropped the empty cup. The other looked at me, checked me and then said. "Oh, NO HONEY! You do not want that one, he's got ISSUES! It's the reason why his freinds and family left him here. He's getting to close to the truth!" then they staggard away. I had no keys, no jacket, no phone, and no wallet. As the clubs lights cut off and left me in darkness.
Now after this sabbitical, after all the documentation. After all this bitching and complaining. I'm left with complexity. To do something about it, but it may seem resentful and spiteful. Like I'm getting back at these certain people. Let's face it. There is no higher road! Believe me, I have tired to find it. It's a illusion. We all get back each other somehow, in some way. The only thing I would want is to show the same common courtesy as those people showed me. Then after that I would never think of them again. But they can take every second of there fucking lives thinking about me. Until there existence comes to an end.
My life as I know it was all about people wanting to play mind games with my head. Not mention to have power and control. Threw manipulation. Well there is only one way to end this, take the fucking power back. There were so many rumors, half truths, and lies. Of course, no one was able to show a bit of Evidence what so ever. I had to throw myself back into the wolves den. Almost losing my sanity and life numberous times. Of course, this was by my own hand. Hoping, it didn't have to come down to this. I do have to blame myself.
But the question that comes to mind is. What am I so worried about? It's been over three years. If anybody wanted to. They could have sued by now. I know how these people think. How spiteful they really are. They would have done it already. They even pasted up the chance many times before. I know, they will not do it. WHY? Cause there "Reputation", is at stake. They wouldn't be able to come back from this. This late in there age. Victims of there own lies and I called there bluff. Cause if they could. They would be as forward as I am. So let's start again. Only this time, let's add some reasonable doubt. It's all down at the bottom of this blog people. And I will be adding more and more. Every time that I write a blog.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
WAS THIS FATE?
Someone once told me, "That we all have choices to make in our lives!" No offence, but I think they neglected to tell me about the fine print. "The rest is up to fate itself!" Now before anyone judges or criticizes, Let me try to explain what I mean by this. To make it simpler for others to understand. A vocabulary lesson that you might of learned back in grade school.
Fate
1 a.The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
b.The inevitable events predestined by this force.
2.A final result or consequence; an outcome.
3.Unfavorable destiny; doom.
4.Fates Greek & Roman Mythology. The three goddesses, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, who control human destiny. Used with the.
[Middle English, from Old French fat, from from Latin fātum, prophecy, doom, from neuter past participle of fārī, to speak.]
This definition can be found on this web site.
http://www.answers.com/topic/fate
What I think fate is. It's just the final result. An inevitable outcome. From the choices, we have made.Wether they are satisfying or substandard.It's almost like Newton's Third Law of Motion. For every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction. I'm not implying there is this mystical power or unseen force. Just rendering, that what choice you make. Will have and end result. Wether you disappove of it or not.So is there any questioning about my Locus of control?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control
There is a reason why, I titled one blog. Repression is a Beautiful thing. Well, it's pretty self explanatory.We as humans do not want to remember the atrocious shit from are past, We all just want to forget and move on. To break this cycle though, and make sure I do not repeat another meltdown. I had to find out the truth. So I can, "Let it go!" as most people tell me.
Besides having faith within myself and a deep complex feeling that plauged me for over three years. I kicked started this sabbatical into high gear the summer of 2010. I have been thinking of doing this for awhile. Ever since, I put down my blog. Completely sober and no parties what so ever. I went back into my past. Not just to kick start repressed memomries but to pull up any paperwork that might prove my damage past and show. I am telling the truth.
A movie qoute comes to my head from Scream three. "The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you."
http://scream.wikia.com/wiki/Scream_3
On this mind fuck of a journey, I went back to the few places I lived. Where I went to school at. Or where there was trouble.Hospitals also. Towns and cities like Freehold, Howell, Jackson, Lakewood, Red Bank,Aberdeen,Sayerville,South Amboy,Old Bridge,Parlin, and Perth Amboy.
What I found out was what I knew, but never had the proof for. Except for,two different types of documentation.One were the medical records from the first break down. My parents were called when it happened. Even though, they were never there. It was stated in the records. My parents affirming, I was very angry and was unable to control myself. With a pending diagnosis of schizophrenia, which had a question mark next to it.
When I was released, at 615pm the same night. The diagnosis was abrasion/multiple stress. But how would they know all this, if I was eighteen at the time. We will get into more detail about that afternoon and that night in another blog.
Another document that stood out was a letter. I came to find. When getting my transcripts from elementary school at Perth Amboy NJ. You see, the old school house was destoryed. So I went to the townships Board of Education, and they told me where to locate them. I was expecting transcripts and report cards. What I got was a heart to heart conversation from the pricipal. He told me he debated about giving me this letter.
Before I got this letter, I only had speculation and a few documents. Before I got this letter, I was a half white trash. Half hispanic. Destin to be low income for the rest of my life. A bad joke, which I used to tell most people. Before I got this letter, the only thing I knew. Was that I was a gay bastard wed lock child. After I got this letter and read it. Which was in my mother's handwritting. It confirmed, what a lieing CUNT she is!
After this letter, it explained a whole lot more. My father was not my real father. "Oh shit! Someone call Maury!" Cause I just found out, I'm adopted!
Fate
1 a.The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
b.The inevitable events predestined by this force.
2.A final result or consequence; an outcome.
3.Unfavorable destiny; doom.
4.Fates Greek & Roman Mythology. The three goddesses, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, who control human destiny. Used with the.
[Middle English, from Old French fat, from from Latin fātum, prophecy, doom, from neuter past participle of fārī, to speak.]
This definition can be found on this web site.
http://www.answers.com/topic/fate
What I think fate is. It's just the final result. An inevitable outcome. From the choices, we have made.Wether they are satisfying or substandard.It's almost like Newton's Third Law of Motion. For every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction. I'm not implying there is this mystical power or unseen force. Just rendering, that what choice you make. Will have and end result. Wether you disappove of it or not.So is there any questioning about my Locus of control?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control
There is a reason why, I titled one blog. Repression is a Beautiful thing. Well, it's pretty self explanatory.We as humans do not want to remember the atrocious shit from are past, We all just want to forget and move on. To break this cycle though, and make sure I do not repeat another meltdown. I had to find out the truth. So I can, "Let it go!" as most people tell me.
Besides having faith within myself and a deep complex feeling that plauged me for over three years. I kicked started this sabbatical into high gear the summer of 2010. I have been thinking of doing this for awhile. Ever since, I put down my blog. Completely sober and no parties what so ever. I went back into my past. Not just to kick start repressed memomries but to pull up any paperwork that might prove my damage past and show. I am telling the truth.
A movie qoute comes to my head from Scream three. "The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you."
http://scream.wikia.com/wiki/Scream_3
On this mind fuck of a journey, I went back to the few places I lived. Where I went to school at. Or where there was trouble.Hospitals also. Towns and cities like Freehold, Howell, Jackson, Lakewood, Red Bank,Aberdeen,Sayerville,South Amboy,Old Bridge,Parlin, and Perth Amboy.
What I found out was what I knew, but never had the proof for. Except for,two different types of documentation.One were the medical records from the first break down. My parents were called when it happened. Even though, they were never there. It was stated in the records. My parents affirming, I was very angry and was unable to control myself. With a pending diagnosis of schizophrenia, which had a question mark next to it.
When I was released, at 615pm the same night. The diagnosis was abrasion/multiple stress. But how would they know all this, if I was eighteen at the time. We will get into more detail about that afternoon and that night in another blog.
Another document that stood out was a letter. I came to find. When getting my transcripts from elementary school at Perth Amboy NJ. You see, the old school house was destoryed. So I went to the townships Board of Education, and they told me where to locate them. I was expecting transcripts and report cards. What I got was a heart to heart conversation from the pricipal. He told me he debated about giving me this letter.
Before I got this letter, I only had speculation and a few documents. Before I got this letter, I was a half white trash. Half hispanic. Destin to be low income for the rest of my life. A bad joke, which I used to tell most people. Before I got this letter, the only thing I knew. Was that I was a gay bastard wed lock child. After I got this letter and read it. Which was in my mother's handwritting. It confirmed, what a lieing CUNT she is!
After this letter, it explained a whole lot more. My father was not my real father. "Oh shit! Someone call Maury!" Cause I just found out, I'm adopted!
Friday, October 1, 2010
"CATCH 22 SITUATION"
Not to sound elementary or intended be enlighten, Albert Einstein once said. The defintion of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. In my given, "Catch 22 Situation". I found myself full of complex thoughts and mixed emotions. Knowing why so many people get lost in the system and become second offenders. A subject, or cycle that's citizens of the states know all to well. Or maybe they don't. Your opinion lies here. In a few words, which will be explained in futher detail later. I seeked out righteousness as I saw fit at that given time and point. Remembering what I said when I was on the stand. "I took justice into my own hands and I was wrong for it!" But sliently thinking to myself, "But, it sure did mother fucking help!" The judges ruling was pretty cut and dry. Since I was denied Pre trial Intervention.
http://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/criminal/crpti.htm
All the evidence was there, for all to see. For whoever was at this closed trial. Not to mention, three different restraining orders. The last restraining order. I had to place back on him for contacting me twice. I never contacted him when I was posted bail from Middlesex County Correctional Facility. Which I only spented thirty eight days behind bars. This matter fell under domestic violence and it was a slam dunk case. Yet, no one sued for restitution and out of my five charges that were pending. I had to plead guilty to only to two. Aggravated Assault # 3 and Criminal Mischieve. What I had to do afterwards was definitely a problem. Not to mention cause for concern.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assault
http://definitions.uslegal.com/c/criminal-mischief/
I would now be a convicted felon for the next ten years. Of course, I would have three years probation. So it would thirteen years before I can even be consider for expungement. I would have to tend an Anger Management course apointed by the State of New Jersey. Which has been already been completed. Numerous drugs screenings, not to mention, I have to maintain a job. Even with a recession going on. Let's just say the odds were againts me. This was a slap on the wrist compared to the five charges that I was facing. Ten to fifthteen years in prison and five years of patrol. All this done with a public defender. Which the only thing I had to do was supply the documents. Anything, I could get my hands on. Which I will be posting soon.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expungement
Now looking back at all of this. Knowing there only five months left in my probationary term. I shake my head and wonder in amazement. Content of what little I had. With what lack of knowledge and those who could help out only so much. What lied a head was this cycle I didn't expect. I had to get a job and maintain it, which finding a job for an Ex Con is not the easiest task. To say the least. Even though, still shaken up by the many issues of my past. That came flooding back like tidal wave. Therapy would be crucial.
I could not collect unemployment for I had to obey to the judges ruling about maintaining a job. The only work I could get were small time alloted projects that lasted a week or two. In a five or six month timed off period. No dental nor medical benefits. The only thing I could receive from the State of New Jersey was Food Stamps. Two hundred dollars a month. I stayed with a openly gay male couple who supplied me with room, in which I would do work around the house in return. Most people would see this as a houseman position.
My sanity was another thing. A total mess or a man on the edge. I will let you decide that. Almost completely broken as Wendy Williams once told me personally. I wonder why this couple would take such pity on me. Even still to this day. I think maybe one half of the couple was on some mission from, "GOD!" The other half wanting to suffer from punishment. I tried therapy where I could get it. Experimentive trials at Mount Sinai for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Fairleigh Dickerson too. For ADD. Which did not past. UCPC of Plainfield. ETC.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADD
You named it, I already have tried. The false diagnosis that other people said I might be. The doctors not taken a chance because I was suffering from one too many traumas. Then being referred to another hospital. Not to mention, no medical coverage because of the catch 22 cycle. It led to a dark dishearting road which many grow into a dispair. At my last interview at Fairleigh Dickerson. I remember that I told one of the doctors, "That sometimes I just feel like just taking a bottle of sleeping pills and going for the big sleep!" Trying to use laughter as a deflection. The bitch said to me, "That's a great idea!" With a sinster smile. Which finally broke me. I came home that day and tried to take my own life with a bottle of sleeping pills.
Nobody was around anymore because this was not the first time I had hit rock bottom. The one who found me, almost half pasted dead on study floor. Who suffered, from his many problems and issues himself. Saved my life. This couple, who bailed me out. I don't know what to say. Even when there are times we fight and bitch and moan at each other. They are the closes thing to family I have. How odd to say. Out of all the people in my life. It was these two trashy men, who pulled me out of this and I thank them and will ever be so loyal. No matter how much of a pain in the ass I am.
I started pulling my weight and then pushing myself to do things with such the time I had on my hands. Going to the library, and reading up on. Adjustment disorders, Identity Crisis, Double Life,Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, A.D.D., Schizophrenia,Bipolar disorder, Manic depressive,Multiple stress syndrome,Mania,Hypervigilance,Paranoid,Anti social...ETC. I think you get the point. All these things I just listed were to discribe me. Or I was called. Yet no one had any proof. Or was an expert.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypervigilance
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mania
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identity_Crisis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post_Traumatic_Stress_Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADHD_predominantly_inattentive
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adjustment_disorders
Someone once told me that society dictates who you are. Well after almost thirty years of all these mostly false diagnosis. Rumors. Gossip. No wonder why people think I'm so Anti social. Can you blame me?
I almost had to play incognito in a way. To hide this little boy with so many issues. Everything felt like a life or death choice. Even though, I dispise the word surivior. I had that complex up all the time. I stayed out from the club and bar scene. Hardly went out. No parties. The few times that I did. I was more jumpy and scared. Suffering more so from the victim's side of PTSD. Then the peratators. Which made no sense to anybody. Not to mention, I had to deal with Probation and legal fee's almost costing me over two grand. In which, I never had. Ten thousand dollars in student load debt, and my car repo.
The only thing I had when I walked out of my Ex's place. Was my cat, my out of date clothes, and my balls. Which I have to say, are pretty big now that I look back on this. I thank those people for giving me the benefit of a doubt. Giving me a few crumbs to spare. To stabilize. The rest was up to instinct and knowledge. Taking what I could get and what I could use. Not abuse to a point, or over indulge. Leaving the rest behind and take it as a lesson and not as a regret.
I did other things to keep myself busy but only so much. I didn't want it to look that I was trying to hard or that it would be taken as phony. Volunteering once a year, a lot of walking and jogging. Working out at home. Practicing taekwondo at home from what I could remember. Trying to keep active but not going overboard. Slowing down everthing that was around me wether it was by my hand or not.
I went to such groups that help ex cons. Like a place called, "Team 2000". Only to have it being thrown in my face. Chuckled at when I left. Trying another group, which helped ex cons get work which the turn over rate was less then five percent. I was lied to by many people or misguided. The basic run around. I was this running joke which was insufferable. This was the purpose. To kill my pride. Leaving very few options. To conform to religion. Or something much worst. For people to relish on this misery.
To have this subject matter of my life, laughed at many dinner conversations. Whispered into many ears of drunken fools over loud dance music. Pity and protaryed on the streets and at the few jobs I could obtain. I being an agnostic, didn't rely on religion. I find it to be pretentious and bogus. Knowing the little faith that I had was reserved and supplied for myself. Which most of us know the faith is just another form of trust. At least I hope we know.
With some experience under my belt. Also an abundance of knowledge better then most. I see why so many educated and uneducated. Not to mention the emotional and the mentally distressed get lost in this system. Then as a country wonder why we have second and third offenders. I remember back when I was a child. Watching cartoons and one of the charcters saying. "Justice isn't blind. She is crosseyed!" Now thinking about it. I see the truth in it. I have always said this and I wrote in my old blog. " We are all Victims, and we are all Villians!"
Knowing how we all are superifical, materialistic,hypocritical,and pertentious. Thinking about an old movie qoute from, Steel Magnolias. "An ounce of pertention, is worth a pound of manure!" How, "gay" can I get. Anyway, you can see my, "Catch 22". A situation in which a person is frustrated by a paradoxical rule or set of circumstances that preclude any attempt to escape from them. This definition brought to you by The Free Dictionary. By FarLex.
http://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/criminal/crpti.htm
All the evidence was there, for all to see. For whoever was at this closed trial. Not to mention, three different restraining orders. The last restraining order. I had to place back on him for contacting me twice. I never contacted him when I was posted bail from Middlesex County Correctional Facility. Which I only spented thirty eight days behind bars. This matter fell under domestic violence and it was a slam dunk case. Yet, no one sued for restitution and out of my five charges that were pending. I had to plead guilty to only to two. Aggravated Assault # 3 and Criminal Mischieve. What I had to do afterwards was definitely a problem. Not to mention cause for concern.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assault
http://definitions.uslegal.com/c/criminal-mischief/
I would now be a convicted felon for the next ten years. Of course, I would have three years probation. So it would thirteen years before I can even be consider for expungement. I would have to tend an Anger Management course apointed by the State of New Jersey. Which has been already been completed. Numerous drugs screenings, not to mention, I have to maintain a job. Even with a recession going on. Let's just say the odds were againts me. This was a slap on the wrist compared to the five charges that I was facing. Ten to fifthteen years in prison and five years of patrol. All this done with a public defender. Which the only thing I had to do was supply the documents. Anything, I could get my hands on. Which I will be posting soon.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expungement
Now looking back at all of this. Knowing there only five months left in my probationary term. I shake my head and wonder in amazement. Content of what little I had. With what lack of knowledge and those who could help out only so much. What lied a head was this cycle I didn't expect. I had to get a job and maintain it, which finding a job for an Ex Con is not the easiest task. To say the least. Even though, still shaken up by the many issues of my past. That came flooding back like tidal wave. Therapy would be crucial.
I could not collect unemployment for I had to obey to the judges ruling about maintaining a job. The only work I could get were small time alloted projects that lasted a week or two. In a five or six month timed off period. No dental nor medical benefits. The only thing I could receive from the State of New Jersey was Food Stamps. Two hundred dollars a month. I stayed with a openly gay male couple who supplied me with room, in which I would do work around the house in return. Most people would see this as a houseman position.
My sanity was another thing. A total mess or a man on the edge. I will let you decide that. Almost completely broken as Wendy Williams once told me personally. I wonder why this couple would take such pity on me. Even still to this day. I think maybe one half of the couple was on some mission from, "GOD!" The other half wanting to suffer from punishment. I tried therapy where I could get it. Experimentive trials at Mount Sinai for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Fairleigh Dickerson too. For ADD. Which did not past. UCPC of Plainfield. ETC.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADD
You named it, I already have tried. The false diagnosis that other people said I might be. The doctors not taken a chance because I was suffering from one too many traumas. Then being referred to another hospital. Not to mention, no medical coverage because of the catch 22 cycle. It led to a dark dishearting road which many grow into a dispair. At my last interview at Fairleigh Dickerson. I remember that I told one of the doctors, "That sometimes I just feel like just taking a bottle of sleeping pills and going for the big sleep!" Trying to use laughter as a deflection. The bitch said to me, "That's a great idea!" With a sinster smile. Which finally broke me. I came home that day and tried to take my own life with a bottle of sleeping pills.
Nobody was around anymore because this was not the first time I had hit rock bottom. The one who found me, almost half pasted dead on study floor. Who suffered, from his many problems and issues himself. Saved my life. This couple, who bailed me out. I don't know what to say. Even when there are times we fight and bitch and moan at each other. They are the closes thing to family I have. How odd to say. Out of all the people in my life. It was these two trashy men, who pulled me out of this and I thank them and will ever be so loyal. No matter how much of a pain in the ass I am.
I started pulling my weight and then pushing myself to do things with such the time I had on my hands. Going to the library, and reading up on. Adjustment disorders, Identity Crisis, Double Life,Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, A.D.D., Schizophrenia,Bipolar disorder, Manic depressive,Multiple stress syndrome,Mania,Hypervigilance,Paranoid,Anti social...ETC. I think you get the point. All these things I just listed were to discribe me. Or I was called. Yet no one had any proof. Or was an expert.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypervigilance
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mania
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identity_Crisis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post_Traumatic_Stress_Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADHD_predominantly_inattentive
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adjustment_disorders
Someone once told me that society dictates who you are. Well after almost thirty years of all these mostly false diagnosis. Rumors. Gossip. No wonder why people think I'm so Anti social. Can you blame me?
I almost had to play incognito in a way. To hide this little boy with so many issues. Everything felt like a life or death choice. Even though, I dispise the word surivior. I had that complex up all the time. I stayed out from the club and bar scene. Hardly went out. No parties. The few times that I did. I was more jumpy and scared. Suffering more so from the victim's side of PTSD. Then the peratators. Which made no sense to anybody. Not to mention, I had to deal with Probation and legal fee's almost costing me over two grand. In which, I never had. Ten thousand dollars in student load debt, and my car repo.
The only thing I had when I walked out of my Ex's place. Was my cat, my out of date clothes, and my balls. Which I have to say, are pretty big now that I look back on this. I thank those people for giving me the benefit of a doubt. Giving me a few crumbs to spare. To stabilize. The rest was up to instinct and knowledge. Taking what I could get and what I could use. Not abuse to a point, or over indulge. Leaving the rest behind and take it as a lesson and not as a regret.
I did other things to keep myself busy but only so much. I didn't want it to look that I was trying to hard or that it would be taken as phony. Volunteering once a year, a lot of walking and jogging. Working out at home. Practicing taekwondo at home from what I could remember. Trying to keep active but not going overboard. Slowing down everthing that was around me wether it was by my hand or not.
I went to such groups that help ex cons. Like a place called, "Team 2000". Only to have it being thrown in my face. Chuckled at when I left. Trying another group, which helped ex cons get work which the turn over rate was less then five percent. I was lied to by many people or misguided. The basic run around. I was this running joke which was insufferable. This was the purpose. To kill my pride. Leaving very few options. To conform to religion. Or something much worst. For people to relish on this misery.
To have this subject matter of my life, laughed at many dinner conversations. Whispered into many ears of drunken fools over loud dance music. Pity and protaryed on the streets and at the few jobs I could obtain. I being an agnostic, didn't rely on religion. I find it to be pretentious and bogus. Knowing the little faith that I had was reserved and supplied for myself. Which most of us know the faith is just another form of trust. At least I hope we know.
With some experience under my belt. Also an abundance of knowledge better then most. I see why so many educated and uneducated. Not to mention the emotional and the mentally distressed get lost in this system. Then as a country wonder why we have second and third offenders. I remember back when I was a child. Watching cartoons and one of the charcters saying. "Justice isn't blind. She is crosseyed!" Now thinking about it. I see the truth in it. I have always said this and I wrote in my old blog. " We are all Victims, and we are all Villians!"
Knowing how we all are superifical, materialistic,hypocritical,and pertentious. Thinking about an old movie qoute from, Steel Magnolias. "An ounce of pertention, is worth a pound of manure!" How, "gay" can I get. Anyway, you can see my, "Catch 22". A situation in which a person is frustrated by a paradoxical rule or set of circumstances that preclude any attempt to escape from them. This definition brought to you by The Free Dictionary. By FarLex.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Quality of Being
By Alex Blodgett
As I look upon my name. Transcribe in bold lettering along the small
standard screen of a cheap net book.I realized that the name “Alex” is
something I am not living up too. In ways of the definition. Also, in
the eyes of societies standards. The label that I carry around. Was
given to me by an emotional distressed mother, who tried to raise a wed
lock bastard of a son. Making me feel that I am at this state of being.
Protector, Defender. One who defends, who supports, who protects and
vindicates. A champion, an advocate, a vindicator. ( Websters
Dictionary, 1943) Mankind, all of the living human inhabitants of the
earth. ( Word Net, Late 2000 ) Humanity, the state of being humane. (
Merriam - Webster Dictionary, 2010 ) All these words describe the name,
“Alex”. Which was coined by the Greeks as Protector of Man / Mankind.
Or Defender of Humanity. ( Name Lab, 2010) With all that being said, I
have to ask myself. “What the hell was this hysterical bitch thinking?”
Besides naming me after a great grandfather that I had no relationship
with. I see no reason why this stamp was placed upon me. This vile
cycle that I put my sanity threw leaves a preponderance. Which I
believe does not describe me. Yet, I can not get rid or change this
name because of my own naive faults and actions. The benefit factor of
this issue is. I have embrace the power that came with it and use it
for my own. In this quality of being humane. I feel that I have been
threw enough in this era to make me want to stop being one who
maintains and supports. One who protects for other living human
inhabitants that will never be advocates themselves.
Generally, speaking this comes from my perspective of how I see the
circle of the human condition. Knowing that we are all lower primates
with just a bit more intelligence. With moral corrupt standards. Social
and cultural view points from the old and the new generations. I yield
and wonder if anyone feels the same way. Knowing that this is true but
it’s a rarity to see anyone step forward without having some
intentional motive. Which comes back to the circle of the human
condition.
I being a gay man of over twenty-eight years. Am amazed that I even
have a concept of this. I wish I did not suffer from guilt. Able to use
my vices and indulge. To be like most of the human race. Using self
sabotaging situation as a crutch or an excuse. Being blissfully
ignorant. Like majority of the human race. My wannabe freshman writing
skills, my barely pasted high school education, and 10 years of the
working class environment. Not to mention the flamboyant gay culture of
the late 90's and early 2000's.
I find this stamp, this label, this name. Not to be fitting, not
suiting. Knowing that I have many more years to go. Decades. Knowing
what my future will look like. Do these sound like the words of a
vindicator. Or someone who protects. This small display of what’s on my
platter of humanness. Yet, as I know that the, “ Who am I? ” years are
coming to an end.
The benefits of being this self absorbed. Is how much I know myself.
Having that insight on others too. Being able to rip out all the
factors about myself. Putting out there for all to see and not being
scared of it. Unlike most men and women, who hide under false
pretenses. My perspective has grown as much as my strength and
character. Some people see this as pride. On the contrary, it is not.
As depressing as all this sounds. The trick is to see how people are
victims of there own lies and need someone to depend on or to give them
a will to live. Instead of being dependant for themselves. Guess that
is being realistic. Or on the other hand, as others have told me crazy.
Of course, as the old saying goes. “Crazy people don’t know that they
are crazy!” Go figure. I know I am after going threw all this.
But alas, I think I bitch and complained enough or spoke quite clearly
about this case. Why this name does not fit. Why it does not describe
me. At least not yet. The only thing I can do is take the meaning out
of context. Using only the noun, humanity and it’s definition. In the
quality of being. Humane.
By Alex Blodgett
As I look upon my name. Transcribe in bold lettering along the small
standard screen of a cheap net book.I realized that the name “Alex” is
something I am not living up too. In ways of the definition. Also, in
the eyes of societies standards. The label that I carry around. Was
given to me by an emotional distressed mother, who tried to raise a wed
lock bastard of a son. Making me feel that I am at this state of being.
Protector, Defender. One who defends, who supports, who protects and
vindicates. A champion, an advocate, a vindicator. ( Websters
Dictionary, 1943) Mankind, all of the living human inhabitants of the
earth. ( Word Net, Late 2000 ) Humanity, the state of being humane. (
Merriam - Webster Dictionary, 2010 ) All these words describe the name,
“Alex”. Which was coined by the Greeks as Protector of Man / Mankind.
Or Defender of Humanity. ( Name Lab, 2010) With all that being said, I
have to ask myself. “What the hell was this hysterical bitch thinking?”
Besides naming me after a great grandfather that I had no relationship
with. I see no reason why this stamp was placed upon me. This vile
cycle that I put my sanity threw leaves a preponderance. Which I
believe does not describe me. Yet, I can not get rid or change this
name because of my own naive faults and actions. The benefit factor of
this issue is. I have embrace the power that came with it and use it
for my own. In this quality of being humane. I feel that I have been
threw enough in this era to make me want to stop being one who
maintains and supports. One who protects for other living human
inhabitants that will never be advocates themselves.
Generally, speaking this comes from my perspective of how I see the
circle of the human condition. Knowing that we are all lower primates
with just a bit more intelligence. With moral corrupt standards. Social
and cultural view points from the old and the new generations. I yield
and wonder if anyone feels the same way. Knowing that this is true but
it’s a rarity to see anyone step forward without having some
intentional motive. Which comes back to the circle of the human
condition.
I being a gay man of over twenty-eight years. Am amazed that I even
have a concept of this. I wish I did not suffer from guilt. Able to use
my vices and indulge. To be like most of the human race. Using self
sabotaging situation as a crutch or an excuse. Being blissfully
ignorant. Like majority of the human race. My wannabe freshman writing
skills, my barely pasted high school education, and 10 years of the
working class environment. Not to mention the flamboyant gay culture of
the late 90's and early 2000's.
I find this stamp, this label, this name. Not to be fitting, not
suiting. Knowing that I have many more years to go. Decades. Knowing
what my future will look like. Do these sound like the words of a
vindicator. Or someone who protects. This small display of what’s on my
platter of humanness. Yet, as I know that the, “ Who am I? ” years are
coming to an end.
The benefits of being this self absorbed. Is how much I know myself.
Having that insight on others too. Being able to rip out all the
factors about myself. Putting out there for all to see and not being
scared of it. Unlike most men and women, who hide under false
pretenses. My perspective has grown as much as my strength and
character. Some people see this as pride. On the contrary, it is not.
As depressing as all this sounds. The trick is to see how people are
victims of there own lies and need someone to depend on or to give them
a will to live. Instead of being dependant for themselves. Guess that
is being realistic. Or on the other hand, as others have told me crazy.
Of course, as the old saying goes. “Crazy people don’t know that they
are crazy!” Go figure. I know I am after going threw all this.
But alas, I think I bitch and complained enough or spoke quite clearly
about this case. Why this name does not fit. Why it does not describe
me. At least not yet. The only thing I can do is take the meaning out
of context. Using only the noun, humanity and it’s definition. In the
quality of being. Humane.
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